UK revokes US's Independence!



In a startling statement from the United Kingdom, the independence that the United States won in 1776 from its former colonial master has been officially revoked! The given reason was that the US proved itself incapable of self-governance by electing George W. Bush to a second term. This is great! I don't have to bother filing immigration forms for Canada now! Here's the entire statement:

OFFICIAL UK RESPONSE TO 2004 US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION (CLASSIFIED)
Dear America,
In the light of your recent failure to make a sensible choice in electing your President, and thus be in a position to effectively govern yourselves, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II hereby gives notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. This move is intended to save you from yourselves.
Her Majesty will resume monarchical duties over all states and your new Prime Minister (Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you are unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. Your so-called President will return to more suitable tea party duties at the local zoo.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "herb". Check the way it’s pronounced. See that “h”? Amazing, isn’t it? In fact, you will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing words compared to the rest of the English speaking world. You should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like", "whatever" and "you know" is an unacceptable and ineffective form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
* The term "US English" will cease to exist. There will just be "English" - note there are not, and never have been, such things as "UK English", "Australian English", "Outer Mongolian English" etc, etc (it's just been you versus the rest of the world). We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
* You should learn to distinguish between English, Scots, Welsh, Irish and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
* Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast non-American actors as the good guys.
* You will no longer be allowed to play 'American football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American football'. Instead you should play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is not a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to 'American football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full body armour (look up "armour") like nancy boys. For those who will insist on carrying on playing 'American football', note that the term will be illegal and the new name will be 'Nancy boy popcorn & hot dog show'.
* Take a tip from the Aussies (that's people from Australia for the uninitiated - look up "uninitiated"). You can actually be proud about having no culture. If you must make your mark on the rest of the world, do what they do by hammering cultured nations like England at sport (and by that we mean sport that everyone plays), out-drinking them or by taking the p*ss out of them. This is far better fun than blowing up tin pot nations.
* You must learn to drink properly and that the alcoholic content of beer is usually well over 4%, not around 1.5%. In future American strength beer will be referred to as 'nancy boy crap'.
* The term 'God bless America' will be outlawed. Every time you get an urge to say this you should alternatively use the equally heart-jerking phrase "Anyone coming down the pub?" This is an equivalent phrase commonly used in the rest of the English-speaking world.
* All American cars are hereby banned. We banned English cars long ago, and yours really aren’t’ any better. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
* The phrase 'American Dream' will be replaced by 'World Reality'. If you have a problem with this, simply utter those magic words "Anyone coming down the pub?"
* The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new public holiday. It will be called "Dumbass Day".
Thank you for your co-operation.
The United Kingdom

Posted: Sun - November 7, 2004 at 09:29 PM           |

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