Fear of an Ill Planet

Thu - April 7, 2005

!DISTURBING NEWS FLASH!

Double Dose of Bad News for Sci-Fi Geeks

*If you ever doubted Michael Bay's hatred for humanity (especially nerd-dom), now comes word of his sinister plan to direct a live-action Transformers movie!

*Turns out that all you idiots...I mean "super-devoted, hardcore fans" currently waiting in line for Revenge of the Sith at Grauman's Chinese Theatre...are at the wrong venue. But don't worry...I'm sure old George Luc will take care of his audience (insert Darth Vader chuckle).

Think maybe this guy is why the Empire lost?

Posted at 08:07 PM

Wed - March 30, 2005

Junk Science

Remember Frank Grimes from The Simpsons? Well, apparently he has a less attractive older brother.

Technology...My how it has changed our lives. Used to be that if you never wanted to see a channel (Lifetime, Bravo, etc.), you would program your remote or receiver to skip said channel(s). Well, thanks to Sam Kimery those days are a thing of the past. For a mere $8.95 plus shipping, you can install Kimery's amazing FOXBlocker filter on your very own television set! This clever device (that requires you to install it on the back of your TV...perfect for entertainment centers) blocks one channel (Fox News) 100% out of your life!!! Nearly one hundred customers incapable of programming remotes and/or receivers have already taken advantage of this stellar piece of nerd rage. So if you hate Fox News or just want to spot a miserable, lonely, middle-aged tool 9 bucks, pick one up now.

Spoiler McTaddle

Another satisfied Enzyte customer

Posted at 10:04 PM

Wed - March 23, 2005

Running Of The Bullsh*t

Everyone's Favorite Fun-Phobes Are Attempting to Steer (hehehe) Public Opinion Toward Ugly, Fat Naked People in Pamplona

I've always enjoyed Hemingway's accounts of the "Running of the Bulls" in Spain. Though the inclusion of the said event in City Slickers, was a black-eye for the sport...I still hope to witness firsthand the spectacle that actually inspires the lazy Spaniards to run!!! At least such was my dream before the children of the Grinch decided to rain on Pamplona's gouge-fest. PETA is planning on staging a "running of the nudes" in protest of "big meany" behavior toward livestock. That's right, kids. All the weird people from your freshman dorm plodding along in their birthday suits. In protest to this debacle of a protest, I have formed a new humanitarian organization...PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Eyes). After all, no human or bull eye should ever have to gaze on the wretchedness that is PETA schlong. So for PETE's sake, let's form a mob and lynch those fur-hugging hippies!

Spoiler McTaddle

Does anyone really want to see Bob from PETA accounting disrobe?

Posted at 11:20 PM

Sun - March 20, 2005

Scrap Metal

It's Good to Be Pixar

Having a six year old niece takes a guy to some pretty interesting places in the movie universe. The latest destination...Robots. Of course, my impressionable niece was pretty hyped to see this computer animated feature due to the millions of dollars dumped into advertising it on Nickelodeon. Spoiled by Pixar and the Shrek movies, I expected Robots to at least mildly entertain...It is mild alright, but far from entertaining.

The story of young robot Rodney Copperbottom's struggle against corporate greed might be more palatable if not for the voice presence of Robin Williams. Sure, he was great as Mork, but nowadays, he's a living, breathing Jar-Jar Binks. His character, Fender, offers the same old brand of cocaine-induced, over-the-top humor that has made many a film tedious of late. Coupled with Williams' tired antics is a story more disjointed than C3-PO in Chewbacca's backpack. In other words, unless you have irrepressible little kid to appease...Pass on Robots. There's a 20 minute show called Futurama that will better satiate your appetite for cartoon A.I.

Spoiler McTaddle

"Your Copperbottom is mine, Biatch!"

Posted at 07:03 PM

Fri - March 18, 2005

Funny How Things Stay The Same

One Man's Quest to Sour Generation X

The year was 1999...I remember catching pneumonia after waiting 19 hours in drizzle for tickets to Star Wars: Episode I. "Is this the line for The Mummy?" I had joked as we joined the massive queue at the theater. Little did I know that the celluloid train wreck we were waiting in line for was comparable to Brendan Fraser playing Indiana Jones. Of course, my friends and I had suspected that Jar Jar Binks would suck to some degree and that the reliance on CGI and digital backdrops might detract from the story....We knew so little. There wasn't really a story to be had at all.

Here now we sit only weeks from the premiere of Revenge of the Sith. Hope abounds among the Star Wars faithful. Rumors of Wookie planets and dark Jedi battles have the uber-nerds running back from Middle Earth to a "galaxy far far away." Yet here's the rub. George Lucas (or George Luc as I like to call him....after all, most things that suck are French) refers to his latest creation as a "tearjerker." I don't know about anyone else, but "tearjerker" doesn't sound like the franchise that inspired me as a boy. I'm sensing more of a Terms of Endearment with lightsabers. George Luc himself compares Revenge to Titanic...Like it's a good thing. Ironically, I recall my best friend purchasing 2 "Titanic Wrecking Crew" t-shirts over the Internet prior to attending Episode I. We never received the shirts...And they charged him anyway. Somehow seems appropriate now.

Spoiler McTaddle

Come back, guys!!!...I'm sure there will be a Boba-Fett planet as well.

Posted at 10:07 PM

Thu - March 17, 2005

Curse Of The Bambino

The Ghost of the Babe Has Found a New Way to Torture Bostonians

By now I'm sure all you legions of Red Sox fans (whose population has exploded as of late) are aware of your heroes subjecting themselves to the "Queer Eye" makeover. While I'm sure the thought of Johnny "Flamin" Damon in capri pants will keep New England riveted to their TV sets, you have to know that Babe Ruth is chuckling somewhere. After all, it was probably his grand design to sabotage the Sox chances for almost a century only to let them win...Because that GREAT big-freakin-deal of a win bred complacency...And with complacency came metrosexuality. What bigger curse could one lay on a baseball franchise than have them field a bunch of fancy lads in defense of their title? Heck, the Red Sox will probably be wearing short pants this season. Once again, Yankee fans can hold their heads high at the expense of the Boston faithful. The curse continues..........

Spoiler McTaddle

No. That's not the king dude from Lord of the Rings...It's Johnny Damon: Shoe Fag

Posted at 11:33 PM

Wed - March 16, 2005

Losing Neverland

The "King of Pop" May be Crazy, Broke, and Slowly Melting...But at Least he has Good Friends

Poor Michael Jackson. He can't seem to find any answers. Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientology, and the N.O.I...They all just wanted his money. Fortunately, however, Britney Spears has his back! Mrs. Federline offers the following remedy for all Jackson's troubles: "(Jackson) needs someone to be like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man." Wow. I wonder if that's what happened to Burt Reynolds. Not to mention that "moustache" line sounds like something Thriller Boy would hear INSIDE prison not out, Britney!!! Some pal she turned out to be. Anyway, I wish we could just forget all this crap and return to the days of Captain EO.

Spoiler McTaddle

Yeah. The mustache would totally hide all Michael's lunacy and defects.

Posted at 11:37 PM

Tue - February 1, 2005

Welcome To The Terrordome Of The Rock

Iraqi Insurgents Pinch First Fully-Posable Hostage

Those diabolical Islamic geniuses are at it again. From the people who brought you "crashing stuff into other stuff" combat now comes the kidnapping of G.I. Jerome! (See below). Sources close to the Pentagon, however, assure me that a crack commando unit including Woody the Cowboy, Buzz Lightyear, and Mr. Potato Head is on its way to Iraq to rescue our kung-fu gripping compatriot as I type. Have these barbarians no decency!? Who's next? Malibu Ken? He-Man? Sealed or open-box...terror does not discriminate.

Spoiler Mctaddle

This makes Abu Ghraib look like a picnic!

Posted at 11:49 PM

Tue - January 18, 2005

Kabbunk

Winter of Your Discontent is Another Man's Path to Enlightenment

I know it's been awhile. Guess you could call it a "mental hibernation"...Or whatever other hibernation entails addiction to online Texas Hold Em', gorging holiday treats, and blatant indifference to the blog-reading public.

Anyway, it's a new year, so what better way to start it off than by embracing the latest fame-whore fad religion. That's right. Yours truly has discovered the sublime Technicolor® magic that is Kabbalah. Sure, at first glance it seems like that Scientology crap that deluded John Travolta into dumping Battlefield Earth on humanity. But, trust me, Kaballah is nothing like that. While all you suckers are busy clamoring over some tidal wave, we Kabbalites are chanting up a storm to cure Chernobyl. Unreadable religious texts, "healing water," and the knowledge that "I belong to same cult as Madonna, Britney, Paris, and Demi...Isn't it AWESOME!" can all be yours too all for the low-low, call-now, welcome-to-2005 rate of $1500! That's right, for the cost of a week's supply of cocaine...YOU can change a forgotten Russian nuclear reactor's life. It's gonna be a fun year, kids.

Spoiler McTaddle

That's right, Billy Boy, sing the Kabbalah hymns. Fear the Kabbalah!!!!!!!!!

Posted at 10:41 PM

Sun - November 21, 2004

Kill The Fans

Disco Demolition Night Is But a Fond Memory...

The NBA handed out some spankings today for the participants in "Motor City Melee 2004." But, upon further review, I think Stern and the boys were right in the first place. It's these damn iPods that are ruining the league. I know what I said before...But that was like 5 days ago. I mean is it really fair for anyone to expect Artest and his peers to behave like rationale and/or responsible adults? Most certainly the contemptible iPod is to blame for this hardwood brawl...and any other indiscretion committed by a professional athlete from this point forward. Shame on you, Steve Jobs...Shame on you.

Spoiler McTaddle

...Playlists > Songs To Break Someone's Face To > Beat It..."It" Meaning U - Ron Artest

Posted at 12:00 AM

Tue - November 16, 2004

Kill The Music

The NBA Takes a Stand Against White Ear Buds

David Stern's Hardwood Gestapo is at it again. Vince Carter was informed by the league that listening to an iPod during warm-ups is a blatant violation of the league's "attire" guidelines. Apparently, however, having shorts hanging off one's ass and a myriad of the world's most moronic tatoos on one's body are not transgressions against the NBA's code of fashion and ethics. Sexual assault, drug abuse, dog fights, and rampant jackassery ...All acceptable. Just leave the digital music at home, ballers. There are kids watching!!!

A.I. after a 72 hour music binge with his 40 GB iPod

Posted at 11:01 PM

Tue - November 2, 2004

Beautiful Minds & Ugly Americans

From the Penthouse of Thought and Expression to the Gutter: Wolfe Vs. Moore

On the eve of the most hyperbolic election in recent history, I would like to offer the following wisdom from novelist Tom Wolfe.

"I would vote for Bush if for no other reason than to be at the airport waving off all the people who say they are going to London if he wins again. Someone has got to stay behind."

As for the antithesis to Wolfe's genius, Mr. Moore can do little more than perpetuate racial stereotypes in his latest "message."

After instructing Republicans, Democrats, Independents, new voters and old how to cast their ballots, Michael turns his attention to "African-Americans." Apparently, he doesn't consider blacks party to any of the aforementioned groups. He bellows, "I, and thousand of others, will be there to fight for you and protect you." Gee, Super Mikey and his Militia are gonna save the poor little black electorate from the big bad poll workers? Shocking as it may seem to Moore and his sycophants, African-American voters are capable of fighting their own battles and have no need for his candy, honky, fat ass on November 2 or any other day.

If the "Big One" didn't embarrass himself enough with racial pandering, his words for Senator Kerry give new meaning to "suck-ass." In addition to further solidifying his tool status, Moore reveals that he is a hand-fag. We all really could have done without knowing that, Mike.

"I like it when you vote, bitch." ~ P Diddy

Posted at 02:39 AM

Thu - October 28, 2004

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNEMENT:

P DIDDY HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER. YOU WILL NOT "DIE" IF YOU FAIL TO VOTE. THANK YOU.

If you are considering voting on November 2...

*Because MTV, Arnold Schwartzenegger, the "Boss," Sesame Street, Oprah, Jessica Simpson, Jon Stewart, Andre 3000, a recorded telephone message, banner on a web-site, or a tool with a snappy "Vote!" button told you to

*And/Or you registered to vote at a mall, concert, or "Slacker Revolution" on campus

Do yourself, your country, and human-kind a big favor...Screw casting a ballot on Tuesday...Because face it...You're a moron.

First-time voter Marshall Mathers ponders the ethical quandaries presented by genetic engineering

Posted at 09:22 PM

Fri - October 22, 2004

Moore Man To Love

College Voter Drive/Publicity Tour Puts Drain on Domestic Eateries

Was reflecting on last season's Lakers team...Kobe, Shaq, Rick Fox...Every player I ever held in low regard on one team. Allowed me to conveniently channel my disdain in a single direction. Michael Moore's "Slacker Tour" is a lot like that...I'm also pretty sure that he and Tom Arnold really are the same person. Look at him with Roseanne!

A photo op with Roseanne Barr provides a sobering perspective on Moore's girth.

Posted at 07:27 PM

Kung Pao Chicken Wings

China Continues to Import the Best of American Culture

Hooters in China? I know...Sounds like one of the biggest oxymorons ever, but the illustrious U.S. soft-core porn chain recently opened in Shanghai. Wonder if you can get pan-fried noodles with that..........