Wed - March 23, 2005

Running Of The Bullsh*t

Everyone's Favorite Fun-Phobes Are Attempting to Steer (hehehe) Public Opinion Toward Ugly, Fat Naked People in Pamplona

I've always enjoyed Hemingway's accounts of the "Running of the Bulls" in Spain. Though the inclusion of the said event in City Slickers, was a black-eye for the sport...I still hope to witness firsthand the spectacle that actually inspires the lazy Spaniards to run!!! At least such was my dream before the children of the Grinch decided to rain on Pamplona's gouge-fest. PETA is planning on staging a "running of the nudes" in protest of "big meany" behavior toward livestock. That's right, kids. All the weird people from your freshman dorm plodding along in their birthday suits. In protest to this debacle of a protest, I have formed a new humanitarian organization...PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Eyes). After all, no human or bull eye should ever have to gaze on the wretchedness that is PETA schlong. So for PETE's sake, let's form a mob and lynch those fur-hugging hippies!

Spoiler McTaddle




Does anyone really want to see Bob from PETA accounting disrobe?

Posted at 11:20 PM    

Tue - November 2, 2004

Beautiful Minds & Ugly Americans

From the Penthouse of Thought and Expression to the Gutter: Wolfe Vs. Moore

On the eve of the most hyperbolic election in recent history, I would like to offer the following wisdom from novelist Tom Wolfe.

"I would vote for Bush if for no other reason than to be at the airport waving off all the people who say they are going to London if he wins again. Someone has got to stay behind."

As for the antithesis to Wolfe's genius, Mr. Moore can do little more than perpetuate racial stereotypes in his latest "message."

After instructing Republicans, Democrats, Independents, new voters and old how to cast their ballots, Michael turns his attention to "African-Americans." Apparently, he doesn't consider blacks party to any of the aforementioned groups. He bellows, "I, and thousand of others, will be there to fight for you and protect you." Gee, Super Mikey and his Militia are gonna save the poor little black electorate from the big bad poll workers? Shocking as it may seem to Moore and his sycophants, African-American voters are capable of fighting their own battles and have no need for his candy, honky, fat ass on November 2 or any other day.

If the "Big One" didn't embarrass himself enough with racial pandering, his words for Senator Kerry give new meaning to "suck-ass." In addition to further solidifying his tool status, Moore reveals that he is a hand-fag. We all really could have done without knowing that, Mike.


"I like it when you vote, bitch." ~ P Diddy

Posted at 02:39 AM    

Thu - October 28, 2004

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNEMENT:

P DIDDY HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER. YOU WILL NOT "DIE" IF YOU FAIL TO VOTE. THANK YOU.

If you are considering voting on November 2...

*Because MTV, Arnold Schwartzenegger, the "Boss," Sesame Street, Oprah, Jessica Simpson, Jon Stewart, Andre 3000, a recorded telephone message, banner on a web-site, or a tool with a snappy "Vote!" button told you to

*And/Or you registered to vote at a mall, concert, or "Slacker Revolution" on campus

Do yourself, your country, and human-kind a big favor...Screw casting a ballot on Tuesday...Because face it...You're a moron.





First-time voter Marshall Mathers ponders the ethical quandaries presented by genetic engineering

Posted at 09:22 PM    

Fri - October 15, 2004

Stem Cell Or Padded Cell?

John Edwards is Either Really Good Friends With Jesus or E.T....Or He's Nuts

By now I'm sure all you information super-whores have heard about Senator Edward's unbridled optimism for his political daddy...What you probably haven't heard is that Johnny Boy was really selling JFK 2.0 short! That's right...In addition to healing the lame, diabetes, and Alzheimer's, it is believed that John Kerry with a swift boat full of embryonic stem cells could further provide America with eternal life, transporter beams, and 10 consecutive World Series titles for the Red Sox. Heck, I bet stem cells can replace gasoline...Take that Saudis!!! Of course, some uninformed people continue to ridicule true believers like Lil' John Edwards...But like the boy who traded his mother's good cow for some magic beans...He surely will get the last laugh...And kill a giant in the process.





Brought to you by the miracle-workers at the DNC.

Posted at 07:34 PM    

Fri - September 24, 2004

Later, Nader

In Case You Forgot That You Do Not Live in a Democracy...

Considering all the bleeding-heart, hippie, rabble-rousers on this planet, the suppression of Ralph Nader's name from appearing on many state's ballots has inspired very little outrage. Undoubtedly, this is merely an oversight...The ACLU, Michael Moore, and every Phish monger from here to Shangri La are likely mobilizing as I muse. Unless of course, they are really hypocritical, corporate sell-out tools...But we know that can't be true.
Yet I can't help but wonder what the sociopolitical climate would have been like in 1992 had Republican judges and stooges vigorously attempted to block Ross Perot's name from chadhood...Aside from burning cars, angry protests, film/news polemics, and early superstardom for Rage Against the Machine...I guess it would be probably be the same.
As a wise man once said..."There's nothing new under The Sun"...But I wonder if he ever read The New York Times.

Douche Larue




Dan Rather's "source" speaks out...

Posted at 09:30 PM    

Thu - June 3, 2004

Hmmmmm

Coincidence? ;)

Posted at 07:49 PM    

Tue - March 2, 2004

State of the Union

Eat Your Heart Out, Rosa Parks...Sure Beats What Rosie O'Donnell Is Eating

Of all the arguments against gay marriage...perhaps the most poignant are provided by the deviant couples themselves. Take Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin, for instance. Shouldn't our children be protected from the very thought of these two geriatric lovelies and cunnilingus? And don't even get me started on Rosie. Heck, she was scaring children long before the advent of sham weddings in Frisco. Let's all just hope that Elton John and Nathan Lane delay their nuptials long enough for homosexuality to regain its felony status.

Douche Larue


The blushing bride....or groom

Posted at 08:05 PM    

Mon - January 19, 2004

Martian Law

Our Fearless Leader Wants a Moon Colony AND a Man on Mars...And It's Only a Few Weeks After Christmas!

If you're like most Americans, you probably lost interest in the space program about the time that NASA discovered that the moon is not made of cheese. Quite the contrary, however, for good ole George W. He wants to squander...I mean invest even more tax dollars into the space nerds' coffers. While I'm all for NASA improving our DISH reception or building a space laser comparable to the Death Star, moon settlements and Mars-walking sound like a big waste of time and capital. These yawn-inducing missions will accomplish little more than inspiring Hollywood to create more boring films in the vein of Contact, 2001, Apollo 13, and Space Camp. Come to think of it...The Black Hole is the only decent space flick set in our universe. Maybe Bush should think about allocating those billions to eccentric scientists and the development of robots with power drills...One thing's for certain:It's gonna take a lot more than dust and rocks for the cosmos to regain sex appeal.



Dubya's Version of "The Promised Land"

Posted at 08:02 PM    

Thu - October 2, 2003

Goosestepping Back to 1975...

Schwartzenegger once aspired to become Hitler 2.0?

Gary Coleman is looking like a better celebrity candidate for Governor of California every day. Evidently, everyone's favorite poster-child for steroid abuse once dreamed of following in the footsteps of the late führer. Of course, Gray Davis and his cronies are gonna blow this "bombshell" out of proportion (comparing Schwartzenizzle's after-school programs to the Hitler Youth, etc.), but it does solidify Arnie's status as a prime-time meathead. Once again, the Kindergarten Cop claims he can't remember giving the interview...proving once again just how dangerous to brain tissue disco really was/is. Apparently, Arnold was in such a haze during the 70s that he confused ole Hitler with David Cassidy! He is quoted as admiring Hitler because "all those people scream at you and just being (in) total agreement (with) whatever you say." Sounds to me like Mr. Universe wanted groupies, and I seriously doubt some German dictator ever pulled the kind of skirts Mr. Cassidy was clocking circa 1975! Well, should be dirty politics as usual in Killer Cali. Maybe common sense will prevail, and McClintock will walk away captain of the shipwreck that is California...My bets, however, are on chaos...and lots of it.




Hitler disowns Schwartenegger after viewing Junior.

Posted at 08:54 PM