Wed - March 16, 2005

Losing Neverland

The "King of Pop" May be Crazy, Broke, and Slowly Melting...But at Least he has Good Friends

Poor Michael Jackson. He can't seem to find any answers. Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientology, and the N.O.I...They all just wanted his money. Fortunately, however, Britney Spears has his back! Mrs. Federline offers the following remedy for all Jackson's troubles: "(Jackson) needs someone to be like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man." Wow. I wonder if that's what happened to Burt Reynolds. Not to mention that "moustache" line sounds like something Thriller Boy would hear INSIDE prison not out, Britney!!! Some pal she turned out to be. Anyway, I wish we could just forget all this crap and return to the days of Captain EO.

Spoiler McTaddle




Yeah. The mustache would totally hide all Michael's lunacy and defects.

Posted at 11:37 PM    

Tue - September 14, 2004

My Own Private Idaho

Journeying Into The Wonderful Unknown...At 80 MPH

Last week, disillusionment was in vogue...So I took a holiday. Where to go to escape it all? I highly recommend Preston, ID. My Napolean Dynamite obsession knowing no bounds (was filmed in Preston), I departed to this remote region of the Gem State on Thursday. During my travels, I observed many fantastic oddities...paramount of which was the town of Jerome, ID...A town named for the state's only black resident. Kidding aside, the drive through the wide open spaces was therapeutic...Unlike the hours of rants I experienced from Dr. Laura and her ilk via talk radio.
Preston itself remains unblemished by the outside world...Probably much like the Shire before it was scoured. Here a man may watch a film at the theater, fill himself with sweets, and wash it down with a soda all for 5 bucks. Had the pleasure of viewing Dynamite with the locals and learned many curious facts (The tether-ball pole is at an elementary school! No wonder I couldn't find it at the high school). All in all was a delightful adventure...Would like to thank the good people of Idaho for their hospitality. They are not the neo-Nazi wack-jobs that the media led me to believe.



Douche Larue


Building Permits Required!? Too many rules in Preston for a maverick like me to settle down.

Posted at 11:28 PM    

Mon - August 23, 2004

Crime Of The Century

Hey, The Century is Young and 50,000 Cans is a Lot of Beer!

While some other poor suckers were wasting their time swiping Munch's "The Scream," real criminal masterminds were perpetrating perhaps the most daring beer heist of all time in New Brunswick. The haul of over 50,000 cans of Moosehead is estimated to have a retail value of $75,000...Which sounds like a lot of money until you realize that it is Canadian. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police immediately began interrogating all fraternities within the vicinity, but, as yet, have no leads. Since the beer shipment was bound for Mexico (???), the cans are imprinted in Spanish and English...making them difficult to pass off among the French-speaking rabble of the Great White North.




Bob and Doug McKenzie: "Persons of interest" in the Mounties' investigation into the New Brunswick beer heist

Posted at 10:39 PM    

Sun - August 22, 2004

40 Acres and a Chicken

A Weekend in the Rose City Offers an Extra-Crispy Perspective on Life

In case you missed it, Portland, Oregon (two syllables not three) was the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE last weekend. Sure Bush and Kerry were in town...but that's page 2 news, folks (Although Kerry nearly ran over my friend on his speedy street cycle...oh well, guess he would have had another purple heart coming his way...bound to be a nasty scab).

Not even The Bite of Portland festival (celebrating food, drink, and washed up 70/80's bands) could compete with the spectacle unfolding on NE Weidler Street. Once again, the Northwest proletariat raised it's collective voice in anger toward The Man...This time expressing dismay at how he raises his chickens. That's right. Dozens of children of hallucinogens and free love unified in protest against the Colonel and his tasty chicken. At first, of course, I was frightened by the loud chants, poster board slogans, and graphic chicken slaughter images (courtesy of an LCD monitor on a woman's stomach)...But with time came education...and with education...Empowerment.

A gentleman in the guise of a blood soaked/feathered Colonel Sanders w/machete informed me that KFC murders millions of innocent chickens every day. "Murder!?" I choked. "I thought their chickens died of natural causes or old age." Suddenly, I felt my stomach turn...Blameless chicken blood tore at its lining and that of my intestines. Oh only the chicken adventures these hens and roosters might have enjoyed if not for the bloodthirsty appetite of Kentucky Fried Carnage! It was becoming quite clear that this fast-food empire was far worse than anything that Hitler, Stalin, and Saddam could have imagined for planet Earth.

In a world consumed by war, poverty, and hunger, it's easy to forget about the plight of our feathered brethren...Quite possibly perhaps because the slaughter of these creatures might help alleviate the poverty/hunger aspect of human misery...Wait a minute...Those damn hippies are full of shit

Douche Larue


Learn to brake, A-hole!

Posted at 07:43 PM    

Mon - December 22, 2003

Excuse Me While I Kiss The Sky...Through The Moonroof Of My Caddy

Al Gore III Puts Harvard Education To Use: Modifies Soda Can Into Makeshift Bong

I'm not sure which is more disturbing...This pic of Al Gore's son or the fact that pops ain't spotting junior enough dough to buy a REAL bong like the other kids.

Come to think of it, however, Big Al might have bigger worries on his hands. I'm pretty sure Gore III is that kid that Microsoft wants to send up the river for the "Blaster" virus. Fortunately, buffoonery has never kept anyone out of the Senate...Or White House for that matter. Expect to see young Gore (and the Dell Dude perhaps) representing some fine state, province, or clan no later than 2020.

Posted at 08:47 PM    

Tue - November 4, 2003