Sun - March 20, 2005

Scrap Metal

It's Good to Be Pixar

Having a six year old niece takes a guy to some pretty interesting places in the movie universe. The latest destination...Robots. Of course, my impressionable niece was pretty hyped to see this computer animated feature due to the millions of dollars dumped into advertising it on Nickelodeon. Spoiled by Pixar and the Shrek movies, I expected Robots to at least mildly entertain...It is mild alright, but far from entertaining.

The story of young robot Rodney Copperbottom's struggle against corporate greed might be more palatable if not for the voice presence of Robin Williams. Sure, he was great as Mork, but nowadays, he's a living, breathing Jar-Jar Binks. His character, Fender, offers the same old brand of cocaine-induced, over-the-top humor that has made many a film tedious of late. Coupled with Williams' tired antics is a story more disjointed than C3-PO in Chewbacca's backpack. In other words, unless you have irrepressible little kid to appease...Pass on Robots. There's a 20 minute show called Futurama that will better satiate your appetite for cartoon A.I.

Spoiler McTaddle



"Your Copperbottom is mine, Biatch!"

Posted at 07:03 PM    

Fri - March 18, 2005

Funny How Things Stay The Same

One Man's Quest to Sour Generation X

The year was 1999...I remember catching pneumonia after waiting 19 hours in drizzle for tickets to Star Wars: Episode I. "Is this the line for The Mummy?" I had joked as we joined the massive queue at the theater. Little did I know that the celluloid train wreck we were waiting in line for was comparable to Brendan Fraser playing Indiana Jones. Of course, my friends and I had suspected that Jar Jar Binks would suck to some degree and that the reliance on CGI and digital backdrops might detract from the story....We knew so little. There wasn't really a story to be had at all.

Here now we sit only weeks from the premiere of Revenge of the Sith. Hope abounds among the Star Wars faithful. Rumors of Wookie planets and dark Jedi battles have the uber-nerds running back from Middle Earth to a "galaxy far far away." Yet here's the rub. George Lucas (or George Luc as I like to call him....after all, most things that suck are French) refers to his latest creation as a "tearjerker." I don't know about anyone else, but "tearjerker" doesn't sound like the franchise that inspired me as a boy. I'm sensing more of a Terms of Endearment with lightsabers. George Luc himself compares Revenge to Titanic...Like it's a good thing. Ironically, I recall my best friend purchasing 2 "Titanic Wrecking Crew" t-shirts over the Internet prior to attending Episode I. We never received the shirts...And they charged him anyway. Somehow seems appropriate now.

Spoiler McTaddle




Come back, guys!!!...I'm sure there will be a Boba-Fett planet as well.

Posted at 10:07 PM    

Wed - October 20, 2004

Vote Or Die...A Horrible Puppet Death

Trey Parker and Matt Stone Save the World Once Again

An informed electorate is vital to the health of our selective democracy...It is the solemn duty of every responsible American, therefore, to make sure everyone he/she knows views Team America: World Police before November 2. Prior to experiencing Trey Parker's puppet opus, I was convinced that the "War on Terror" was worse than Hitler, Watergate and genital herpes combined...Blame it on the catchy musical numbers or the ham-stuffed-exploding Michael Moore...but somewhere on the drive home from the movie, I realized that I too was a pussy. Not as vaginal as Baldwin, Matt Damon, or those other Hollywood cock-fags...But a pussy nonetheless. Right then and there (somewhere on Multnomah) I decided to take a stand against the a-holes. From now on, I'm gonna be a dick...And there's nothing you puppet gore-hating hippies can do about it!


Douche Larue



Some pussies have more attractive human shields than others

Posted at 07:54 PM    

Wed - September 1, 2004

True To The Game

Don't be Fooled by the Rocks That I Got...

In the wake of my Napolean Dynamite review, some well-meaning readers have suggested that yours truly is a corporate shill. And you know what...They're at least 80 Proof correct. Big money beckoned and I prostituted my movie critic sensibilities in order to uphold the establishment. I hope you can all forgive me.
Will be returning the thousands of dollars and the shiny new Kia Sedona (talk about a smooth ride!) that the robber barons at Fandango and producers of Nappy D gave me. Just lost sight of who I am. Got caught up in the all-night parties, high-class hookers, and throwing televisions out of penthouse windows...Forgot that it's really all about the blogging...and the blog.
Thank you, concerned fans, who took the time away from your eHarmony searches and Yahoo Games to remind me what's really important. You are the Sancho Panza in my quixotic adventures throughout the World Wide Web. Muchas gracious, mis amigos!

Posted at 08:17 PM    

Sun - August 29, 2004

Best Way to Have a BLAST at the Movies? Add Dynamite...

Independent Gem Puts Hollywood to Shame

Another summer movie season is nearly behind us. Millions were squandered by the studios (Troy, The Alamo, Catwoman) and movie patrons alike (Fahrenheit 9/11, White Chicks, Harry Potter 3). Yet in all my forays into the multiplex, one film actually did connect with audience. With a whopping production budget hovering around $400,000, Napolean Dynamite is the ONLY movie from the 2004 summer crop that I would pay to see again. Admittedly, I enjoy quirky/independent cinema...But the amazing thing about this film is the theater full of MTV teens that I viewed it with resoundingly approved as well...And they said moon boots would never be chic again. So whether you're trying placate grandma or romance that really cute chick/guy at Starbucks, give Napoleon D a try.





Uncle Rico, Napolean, and brother Kip: 3 of 20,000 Americans who watch McEnroe on CNBC

Posted at 10:40 PM    

Fri - July 16, 2004

Moore Of What You Want

Fahrenheit 9/11 : The Temperature at Which Sanity Burns

Ever since my first magical viewing of Canadian Bacon, I knew Hollywood had something very special in Michael Moore...It's no surprise, therefore, that his latest motion picture experience is nothing less than sublime. Capturing the best elements of Reefer Madness, Birth of a Nation, and the works of Heinrich Himmler, Fahrenheit 9/11 has undoubtedly staked out its place in the annals of great documentary.
Prepare to have your presuppositions and values put to the fire in the cinematic pyromania that only Mr. Moore can supply. In addition to deconstructing the "lies" and "half-truths" that the proletariat have been brainwashed into accepting (via journalism, the Internet, rap music, personal experience, anecdotes), the true "people's champion" provides some startling revelations...For instance:

*There are TWO President Bushes!*
*During Saddam's reign, the Iraqi people lived in peace, flying kites*
*Most U.S. Congressmen cannot read* :(

Upon first hearing the title Fahrenheit 9/11, I have to admit I was a little skeptical. After all, Bradbury's book/film (trite account of utopian society where all books/independent thought are incinerated) of a similar name was a complete drag. But in true heroic fashion, Moore charges headlong into scandal, armed with nothing more than his girth, camcorder, legions of high-priced lawyers, and an ice cream truck. It's little wonder that some obscure British journalist called Mike "the most important living American." Such valor would normally warrant a Congressional Medal of Honor or an induction into the Justice League...But alas, a right wing conspiracy is in effect...Maybe in a better time...a better place...Moore will receive his just desserts. Until then, we can count on our furry filmmaker pal to preserve truth, justice, and the Canadian way.





Michael Moore offers encouragement to Mary Kate Olsen.

Posted at 07:19 PM    

Wed - May 26, 2004

Baseless Speculation

Bloom Fans Have Spoken...I'm a Big Jerk

My apologies go out to O-Town and the Orlando nation. It was pretentious and juvenile on my part to question the manhood of someone I have never met. I have no substantial evidence that suggests estrogen flows through Mr. Bloom's elfin veins.

Douche Larue

Posted at 08:20 PM    

Wed - May 19, 2004

Homer-Sexual

Something Funny Happened to the Illiad on the Way to the Silver Screen...

Despite shortcomings in dialogue, acting, story, and overall masculinity, Wolfgang Petersen's Troy is a virtual tour de force of homo-eroticism and fancy laddery. Like male nudity? Petersen's got your back (not to mention numerous shots of Brad Pitt's). Orlando Bloom's turn as Paris proves once again that he(?) should only be allowed to portray Peter Pan in all future endeavors. Honestly, Frodo from LOTR almost seems "rugged" juxtaposed to the fair(y) prince of Troy...Perhaps Wolfgang should have contemplated casting Bloom as Helen and Diane Kruger as Paris. Are we really supposed to believe this guy is the Hulk's brother?
Straight from his stint with Shakespeare in the Park (Akron, OH), Brian Cox steals the show as King Agamemnon. Not since Prince John in Disney's Robin Hood has a villain so inspired trembling by an audience! Not to say that the tyrant king's cunning and conspiring are unappreciated...The three hours of Troy would have expired even slower without Cox's comic relief.
Transcending the "warrior" stereotype, Brad Pitt adds a whole new dimension to the character of Achilles. When not slaying giants or hordes of Trojans, Achs transforms into a melancholy rock star (i.e. that shaggy singer from Matchbox Twenty)...Pondering immortality and the human condition. This is certainly NOT the Achilles who I paralleled to O-Dog from Menace II Society in a freshman English essay.
From a visual standpoint, Troy offers more than pretty boys and pastel loins. The CGI is absolutely incredible...I half expected Jar Jar Binks to jump out of one of the 1000 ships that look exactly the same!
So if you're looking for mindless entertainment or taut, tanned, hairless male bodies, give Troy a spin...And have yourself a gay ole' time.

Douche Larue



After viewing Achilles frolicking with his cousin amongst the columns, a mother is forced to confront her son's dubious sexuality.

Posted at 07:55 PM    

Wed - January 21, 2004

Shire Thing

America Embraces My Review of The Return of the King...With Minimal Dissent

Really want to thank everyone who took the time to e-mail best wishes and encouragement to yours truly. My review of The Return of the King was a labor of love, and I'm so pleased that it has been received so well. Here's a smattering of the feedback:

"Your review was entertaining and well written, even if you were on crack when you wrote it"
Smokey Miller, Portland, OR

"You, sir, are an imbecile and a threat to the arts"
Dr. Dill Franklin, Cornell University

"Style that would have the hardcore fans throwing their urine-filled Dasani bottles at you"
Nathaniel Hornblower, Sarasota, FL

"You suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Steve, Middle Earth Comics and Collectibles



Howard Dean reads a transcript of my review of The Return of the King

Posted at 07:59 PM    

Thu - January 15, 2004

Hobbit-Forming: Peter Jackson Captitalizes on a Winning Formula

Bigger, Prettier, and Way Longer Than Harry Potter...This film might revitalize the fantasy genre.
A Review of The Return of the King.

Courtesy of splendid merry-making scenes and breathtaking haberdashery, The Return of the King transcends a derivative and contrived story. If you're looking for a good excuse to eat buckets of popcorn or waste time while your wife/girlfriend shops, you can't go wrong with this film! Though lacking in originality, Return makes 3 hours and 20 minutes seem like 3 hours and 15 minutes...It's that good. The movie basically serves as celluloid melting-pot for such fantasy classics as The Legend of Zelda, Willow, The Princess Bride, and Clash of the Titans.
The film begins with a provocative look at friendship and sharing. An amiable fishing trip turns ugly between two trolls when a shiny trinket is introduced. Though the moral of the short is profound (capitalism will destroy humanity as well as trolldom), do we really need an after-school special at the theater? Start the movie already!!!!
As we immerse into the action, we find our hero, Link (Elijah Wood), journeying to a volcano with his trusty sidekick, Willow Ufgood (Warwick Davis). Strangely, however, Princess Zelda (Liv Tyler) seems to have spurned Link in favor of Madmartigan (Val Kilmer). Guess Link better grow some facial hair if he wants to compete for her fair hand again...Anyway, things get even more complicated as Buttercup (Robin Wright Penn) develops a crush on Madmartigan as well. Where's Wesley (Cary Elwes) you ask?...Appears he's pursuing a newfound passion for archery, horses, and a guy who looks like Haggar the Horrible. Eventually, Buttercup sheds her girlish fancies and disposes of Gannon (Ahmed Best) with a stout sword to the head. As for Link...He reaches the volcano (not without great annoyance from E.T.'s anorexic cousin). Hyrule is saved, and Willow marries a bar-mistress far above him.
You're probably wondering where Clash of the Titans comes in...And that's in the special effects, my friends. I haven't seen a film look so jaw-droppingly real since Pegasus soared across the silver screen. Wallace and Gromit, look out! Peter Jackson is the new king of clay.



Elijah Wood and Viggo Mortensen at the premiere of Return of the King

Posted at 10:00 PM    

Sun - October 5, 2003