Thu - March 17, 2005

Curse Of The Bambino


The Ghost of the Babe Has Found a New Way to Torture Bostonians

By now I'm sure all you legions of Red Sox fans (whose population has exploded as of late) are aware of your heroes subjecting themselves to the "Queer Eye" makeover. While I'm sure the thought of Johnny "Flamin" Damon in capri pants will keep New England riveted to their TV sets, you have to know that Babe Ruth is chuckling somewhere. After all, it was probably his grand design to sabotage the Sox chances for almost a century only to let them win...Because that GREAT big-freakin-deal of a win bred complacency...And with complacency came metrosexuality. What bigger curse could one lay on a baseball franchise than have them field a bunch of fancy lads in defense of their title? Heck, the Red Sox will probably be wearing short pants this season. Once again, Yankee fans can hold their heads high at the expense of the Boston faithful. The curse continues..........

Spoiler McTaddle




No. That's not the king dude from Lord of the Rings...It's Johnny Damon: Shoe Fag

Posted at 11:33 PM    

Sun - November 21, 2004

Kill The Fans


Disco Demolition Night Is But a Fond Memory...

The NBA handed out some spankings today for the participants in "Motor City Melee 2004." But, upon further review, I think Stern and the boys were right in the first place. It's these damn iPods that are ruining the league. I know what I said before...But that was like 5 days ago. I mean is it really fair for anyone to expect Artest and his peers to behave like rationale and/or responsible adults? Most certainly the contemptible iPod is to blame for this hardwood brawl...and any other indiscretion committed by a professional athlete from this point forward. Shame on you, Steve Jobs...Shame on you.

Spoiler McTaddle




...Playlists > Songs To Break Someone's Face To > Beat It..."It" Meaning U - Ron Artest

Posted at 12:00 AM    

Tue - November 16, 2004

Kill The Music


The NBA Takes a Stand Against White Ear Buds

David Stern's Hardwood Gestapo is at it again. Vince Carter was informed by the league that listening to an iPod during warm-ups is a blatant violation of the league's "attire" guidelines. Apparently, however, having shorts hanging off one's ass and a myriad of the world's most moronic tatoos on one's body are not transgressions against the NBA's code of fashion and ethics. Sexual assault, drug abuse, dog fights, and rampant jackassery ...All acceptable. Just leave the digital music at home, ballers. There are kids watching!!!




A.I. after a 72 hour music binge with his 40 GB iPod

Posted at 11:01 PM    

Tue - August 24, 2004

But There Is No Joy In Baghdad...


The Iraqi National Soccer Team's Luck Ran Out

Hoosiers, Rocky, Bad News Bears, and that irrepressible Rudy...America loves an underdog...Too bad Team Iraq is simply a dog. Now I like a good Cinderella story as much as the next guy, but the whole Iraq Olympic soccer debacle reminded me of Magic Johnson's first All-Star Game after HIV...Everyone stepped out of the way to let him score and carry home the MVP. Further tarnishing the bedouins' "improbable" run were attitudes all too Kobe in nature. Some douchebag midfielder for "jihad on the pitch," for example, expressed his desire to kill American soldiers once his Olympic duties are fulfilled. Good luck with your soccer balls against those Apaches, Ahmed. Well, at least there is some justice in the world; the Raqis lost to another third-world country today 3-1. Lets see how fast "objective" and "politically neutral" sports journalists jump on the Paraguay bandwagon.

Douche Larue



Look at the bright side, green stockings...At least Uday can't burn you with cigarettes anymore.

Posted at 11:18 PM    

Sun - January 18, 2004

No American Idolatry in Philly


Looking For The Silver Lining in Eagles' NFC Championship Debacle

Like all Philadelphia fans, today's game left me with utter and relentless heartbreak...Yet we Eagle fans have much to be thankful for. I would like to take a moment to salute the home fans at the Linc today. With all America watching, you, my valiant compatriots, provided a reception worthy of Ruben Studdard (the AFC got LeAnn Rimes to sing their national anthem...what a raw deal). Thunderous boos cascaded...echoed from every recess of the stadium. Though this day witnessed defeat on the gridiron...Western Civilization proclaimed victory through the jeers of the Philadelphia faithful.

Douche Larue

Posted at 10:14 PM    

Tue - November 18, 2003

Lady Looks Like a Dude?


The International Olympic Committee (IOC) Embraces Transexual Athletes...San Francisco's Future Female Olympian Population Skyrockets!

Leave it to the IOC to waste a holiday in Sweden promoting transexual politics instead of hitting on busty blonde chicks. While this dramatic policy shift will allow Rick Fox to play for the U.S. Women's Basketball team, it still scores a perfect "10" in absurdity. Doesn't the IOC have more pressing matters on its plate...Like making sure the lazy Greeks get the venues completed for the start of the 2004 Games. Not that anyone notices the traditional Olympics anymore anyway...Heck, Eminem's silver medal in the Rap Olympics has garnered him more celebrity than Mark Spitz's 7 golds. Unless the IOC can manufacture a new Cold War pronto, in fact, expect to see the 2008 Olympiad on UPN.
Peace

Douche Larue

Posted at 07:16 PM    

Mon - November 3, 2003

Air Ball


Not Even The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh Can Help the NBA Now

It was a childhood dream realized...Magic, Bird, and the Harlem Globetrotters sharing the hardwood for an all-too-ephemeral moment in space and time. If only this true "Dream Team" could play forever...Squashing all the Shaqs, Kobes, and Sterns of this world and returning dignity to Dr. Naismith's game. I can still remember, if but vaguely, when the NBA was actually engaging. Players like Jordan, Magic, and even Bill Laimbeer played the game with passion and understood the importance of fundamentals and teamwork. Years of prosperity, Hype Williams videos, and Wu-Wear, however, seem to have sucked the life out of the spectacle once deemed "fantastic" (By Billy Crystal anyways). Even Lebron James much ballyhooed debut failed to transcend broadcast Nyquil. Perhaps David Stern and his corporate Nazis should enlist the aid of Twiggy Sanders and his long dormant bucket of confetti. Something drastic is needed before professional basketball goes the way of the buffalo (Not talking about the Bills either...Worse. Much worse).
Peace,

Douche Larue

Posted at 11:01 PM    

Tue - October 14, 2003

Dred Scott He's Not


Warren Sapp Is Sick and Tired Of Slaving in the NFL's Cotton Fields

Weeks after verbally blistering Rush Limbaugh, Warren Sapp suddenly finds himself kin to Rush in the fraternity of jackasses. Responding to a league fine, Sapp decries the NFL as having a "slave system." Hmmm...If being paid $10 million a year for playing a game is slavery, give me shackles and an auction block! I suppose Warren views the private jet that ushers him around the country as a "slave ship." Undoubtedly, Sapp is stirring little sympathy for his "plight" with his comments... Especially from real slaves past or present. Hell, probably half his designer clothes are manufactured by children in sweat shops. Sapp should concentrate on what he does best (blitzing buffets?) and leave social commentary to no-talent hacks of lesser means...Like me :(.
Peace

Douche Larue

Posted at 08:02 PM    

Wed - October 1, 2003

Powerful Commentary


Rush Resigns

Apparently...After reading my commentary from earlier this evening, Rush Limbaugh has called it quits at ESPN. Hopefully, my forthcoming Stuart Scott editorial will keep the streak alive! :)

Posted at 09:57 PM    

ESPN Sucks


Rush Limbaugh thinks Donovan McNabb is an affirmative action QB...Bullshit

If not allowing Michael Irvin to wear pajamas (like during his BDSSP days) on the set of Sunday NFL Countdown wasn't bad enough, ESPN is now providing a soapbox for "Never Seen a Pass" Rush Limbaugh. Now I'm as tired as the next sane person of all the racial squawking in America, but Limbaugh is just looking for attention, controversy, and all the cash that follows with his assault on Donovan. Besides being a bona-fide NFL superstar with a winning record, McNabb is also one of the NFL's class acts. Rush is always clamoring for self-initiative and responsibilty in America on his tired radio rants...Yet here he is bashing a guy who takes responsibility for losses on the field and embraces his position as a role model off of it. Seems like American sports would be a whole hell of lot better off with more Donovan McNabbs and fewer self-righteous political shills.
Peace

Douche Larue

Posted at 07:13 PM    

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