Kobe: Cry Me a River

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Kobe Dumped by Delicious Nut Spread!

"An injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere," gushed the Lakers star still heartbroken by his dismissal from Nutella. One only wishes that the late Dr. King could have been front and center at the Teen Choice Awards to witness Bryant's epic plagiarism. Apparently, the Civil Rights Movement wasn't about equality and brotherhood after all!... It was really about securing lucrative endorsements and impunity from sexual assault for douche-bags! (Let's hope Kobe has no plans of teaching history). Despite Bryant's jackassery, he was greeted by Teen Choice chants of "Kobe! Kobe!" Looks like anal sex is the big winner for 2003, kids!

Also kicking Kobe to the curb was Coca-Cola. That's right, folks. Much to the chagrin of blue collar Joe's everywhere, no more Sprite commercials telling us how hard Kobe Bryant "works" as a privileged NBA brat.

Kobe stops by the Teen Choice awards on his way to a costume party (He's the Fresh Prince of Bel Air of course!)

Why did Kobe go all the way to Colorado for butt-love when it was waiting only a few lockers away?

We Love L.A.

All kidding aside, we really can't be too hard on the Kobe-meister. After all, it wasn't long ago that he lost his brothers Uday and Qusay. Maybe humping 19 year-old small-town, blonde chicks is just his way of dealing with grief. Anyway, we can definitely look forward to a South Park episode celebrating all that is Kobe Bryant. Maybe that's what he was thinking about when he proclaimed, "the sun will rise and shine again" at the TCA. Preach on, Kobe...preach on.

Image Makeover?

As evidenced by his duds at the Teen Choice fiasco, Kobe appears to be reinventing himself as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air...Perhaps the "Queer Eye" treatment might be a better route. It's worked for Rick Fox!

People don't become multi-gazillionaires by frivolous spending. Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban, for instance, cuts his own hair to save a buck.