In the PROVINCE of RIDLEY, to our fellow-workers in the COLLEGE, RIGHT TRUSTY and well-beloved; GREETINGS.
As by DIVINE PERMISSION DEAN of CROQUET, duly appointed, it is our DUTY and PRIVILEGE to set forth herewith the RULES of CROQUET in the customary manner used since TIME IMMEMORIAL.
1. THE CROQUET SEASON shall begin when the CHAMBERLAIN of the HOUSEHOLD and such other persons as are of a SOBER LIFE and GOOD CONVERSATION shall issue their DISPENSATION and DECREE, permitting MEMBERS to play the QUAINT and CURIOUS game of CROQUET, in a meet and FITTING MANNER at the following times:
Monday to Friday 1.00 -- 2.30 pm and 6.30 pm unto dusk, EXCEPT during the HEAVY TRAVAIL and PERIL of the week of TRIPOS, when the hours after 6.30 pm shall be held INVIOLATUS, and play may be occasioned instead during the hours of 4.30 -- 5.50pm.
Weekends From the rising of theolgians unto dusk.
CROQUET at UNLAWFUL and ANTINOMIAN HOURS shall be FROWNED UPON by the DEAN and CHAPTER of CROQUET.
WHENSOEVER the LAWNS are not AGREEABLE to the PLAYING of the said SPORT, the PEGS shall be REMOVED by the CHAMBERLAIN of the HOUSEHOLD who shall remain STEADFAST and UNMOVED by any OUTCRY thereat.
2. THE USE OF THE LAWNS shall be open to all MEMBERS of the HALL, LODGERS, SOJOURNERS and all GUESTS.
If an HORDE shall stand about waiting upon such time as ye shall finish your game, tarry not, lest they seek ye out later to do MISCHIEF unto your PERSONS with a MALLET.
3. THE EQUIPMENT: as ye value your life MEDDLE NOT therewith, cause no BREAKAGE thereunto, as it is OF OLD and COSTLY. The following NAUGHTY ACTS shall incur a FROWN from the DEAN:
i the bringing down of a MALLET upon a HOOP.
ii the VENTURING of PERSONS upon the LAWNS in the RAIN.
iii the wearing of SPURS, BUSKINS, HIGH HEELS and OTHER UNFITTING or UNSEEMLY foot attire as may do OUTRAGE unto the TURF.
The EQUIPMENT shall be maintained upon "E" STAIRCASE, yea, and the BALLS and MALLETS shall be returned to the CORRECT boxes. Any DAMAGE or RUINATION shall be reported straightway to the DEAN, amid much gnashing and wailing of teeth.
Equipment DESIGNATED for TOURNAMENT use SHALL NOT be used for any OTHER purposes; NEITHER shall any OTHER equipment be used for TOURNAMENT MATCHES.
4. THE RULES OF PLAY: here followeth the ANCIENT, HISTORIC and INVIOLABLE RULES of PLAY as handed down in the QUAINT and CURIOUS ENGLISH of DEANS of CROQUET of ANCIENT DAYS:
a) Matches may be played singly or in pairs, all tournament matches are doubles. In singles matches each person uses two balls.
b) The aim is to be the first to score at least 8 points by hitting your ball through the hoops and hitting the pegs. Each hoop scores 1 point as does the first peg. The second peg scores 2 points.
c) The order of play is shown on the accompanying plan.
d) Players shall place their balls on the (imagined) line "a" and play off towards the (also imagined) line "b". The nearest to "b" shall be the first to play. Play then alternates between the teams with the order of play of the second team being again determined by proximity to "b".
e) The first ball to pass through the hoop from the correct side wins the point, after which ALL players aim for the next hoop. Any doubt as to whether a ball has gone through a hoop shall be resolved by running a mallet down the nearside of the hoop, and checking that its head does not make contact with the ball.
f) In the (extremely unlikely) event of two balls going through the hoop exactly together (i.e. one above the other) the striker's ball wins the point.
g) If a hoop or peg has not been won it must be played for. Overshooting a hoop that has not yet been won in order to gain an advantage on the next hoop or peg is cheating. (In tournament matches a pair adjudged by the umpire to be cheating will, on consultation with the croquet dean, be disqualified.)
h) One mallet may be used to strike another when a hoop hampers a clear shot. The shaft of the mallet being struck must remain on the far side of the hoop.
i) Tournament matches shall have priority over all others.
j) ASSOCIATION CROQUET, in accordance with the Laws and Traditions of the All England Club may be played in consultation with the Dean. Likewise all such manner of University inter-Collegiate Croquet, for which particulars shall surely follow.
5. THE TOURNAMENT: by the AUTHORITY of which our ANCIENT OFFICE is furnished withal, we do hereby ANNOUNCE and DECREE that the TOURNAMENT be OPEN to ALL MEMBERS of the HALL. Lots shall be drawn to determine PARTNERS and OPPONENTS. BE IT KNOWN that it is not customary for MARRIED COUPLES to play together. This abstention protects the TENDER CONSCIENCES of SINGLE members who might be offended by the OPEN display of MARITAL DISHARMONY in the very MIDST of the HALL. Be that as it may, any couple STRONGLY DESIROUS of playing together may make special application to the DEAN who shall likely refuse. SPECIAL MALLETS and BALLS reserved for the TOURNAMENT are CONCEALED in the CROQUET VESTRY upon "F" STAIRCASE. ROGUES and KNAVES found using them otherwise than for this purpose shall be IMMURED in the fires of the DRYING ROOM without MERCY. An UMPIRE shall be present at all TOURNAMENT MATCHES. In matters of DISPUTE, the DECREE of the DEAN of CROQUET shall be INFALLIBLE when speaking EX GRATIA (from the grass).
6. BYSTANDERS: persons watching the progress of play are requested to stand at the MARGINS of the lawn and maintain an attitude of PEACE and DECORUM. EXCEPTIONALLY SKILFUL play may be acknowledged by a cry of "SHOT".
7. CURSING AND RIBALDRY: should ye MISS the HOOP, a cry of "DESPERATE" is considered FITTING. Other IMPRECATIONS and EXPLETIVES may be submitted to the DEAN and CHAPTER in WRITING, to be APPROVED and CERTIFIED by the GREAT SEAL, under which this EPISTLE is GIVEN FORTH upon this day the FEAST of SAINT ATHANASIUS in the year of our LORD one thousand nine hundred and ninety five in the forty fourth year of the reign of our sovereign lady ELIZABETH and the first year of our decenial reign.
The Very Irreverent GORDON J. GILES
DEAN of CROQUET