Work, Grace, and the potential for release through forgiveness


I wrote this in response to a post by a friend of mine who is involved in the community forums on violence steering committee with me. I had posted to the group my entry for last Sunday's vocal ministry, and she asked me for the Quaker take on forgiveness. This was my reply.

There is no specific “Quaker take” on forgiveness. As with everything else theological (and non-), Quakers are all over the map.

My own is that we come to forgiveness in our own way and in our own time, and we cannot judge those whose journey has not yet brought them to that place. Some may never arrive.

My own journey has required me to forgive some pretty horrific things, specifically of family members. At one time in my life, in reference to forgiveness, I said, “I will not sacrifice myself on the altar of Quaker guilt.” I did not have to forgive the terrible things done unto me in order to be a good Quaker.

And yet, forgiveness came to me in a moment of grace a few days after 9/11.

I had already planned a trip back to California. I had decided, in my head, that at my age (then 53), it was time for me to let go of all that pain. I was going home for the first time after being estranged from my family for eight years. I was supposed to fly out 9/13.

And then, as we all know, hell broke loose.

I was able to rearrange my flight to leave a week later. In the meantime I dealt with the emotional aftermath of those historic events. I was on the verge of complete collapse. I could not face seeing my family with all that churning in me. My decision to go home had been an intellectual one. Emotionally I was not ready for it.

In order to take a break from all that, I rented the movie “Pay it Forward.” Now, all the promos for that movie presented it as a warm-fuzzy, sappy-happy movie. But it turned out not to be that at all. In the end, the child who has this wonderful idea for making the world a better place ends up beaten to death by bullies.

When I realized what was about to happen I burst into tears, crying not only for the boy but for all the people affected by 9/11. And I said out loud, “Please God, let them forgive.” All the sorrow over what had happened burst forth from me, and I cried and cried and cried.

And then suddenly I felt overcome by tremendous wave of energy and light. My prayer was answered, but differently from what I had asked. It was I who found forgiveness — I could forgive mySELF. And through the joy and energy that came of that, I was able to forgive my family.

When I was in California, my family — and in particular, my mother — behaved exactly as I expected they would, they same way they always had. A way that, had I not experienced what I had just experienced, would have inspired great rage in me.

But holding tight to this newfound center of gravity I could respond to whatever they said or did with love.

It is from that day in September 2001 that I count my rebirth. From that day I was released from the depression that bound me. From that day forward my own life began to change, preparing me for the work I am called to do now.

Of course, that “grace” came with an incredible amount of advance work, both through psychotherapy and through spiritual therapy. It did not happen “overnight!”

Finding our way to forgiveness requires both hard work and grace. The journey is worthwhile not so much on behalf of those whom we seek to forgive, but for ourselves -- to enable the light in our own eyes to shine brighter, so that our own energies can be released from the history that binds us.

I could not do what I am doing now had I not been released.

Posted: Thu - April 5, 2007 at 12:52 AM          

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