Mom's Gradeschool/highschool picture book her teacher made
This
booklet of pictures was created by Mothers high-school teacher Miss Lee in 1939.
I re-created it in Keynote (like powerpoint) and was saved as a QuickTime Movie.
Shows Mom in her high-school years prior to meeting Dad.
This is a large (2.4 MB) file I
created for Mom ... DO NOT attempt to open if you are only on dial up modem. If
you have broadband should be OK, but may take some time. Let me know if you can
view it. thanks, Dave
Well
heck, I checked the site and the movie does not work, and I don't know why. Will
work on it when I get time.
The Poem below, written by Mom's
teacher is in the quicktime movie above, but hard to read,
so here it is full size. Have a great
day.
Dave
Posted at 01:48 PM
Sun - November 2, 2003
Moms end is Her new beginning!
Our
beloved Mother, and friend has passed on this Saturday evening -- November 1,
2003 approximately 10:55 p.m. "ALL SAINTS
DAY"
It is the end of this earthly
life here, but the beginning of a new one -- somewhere else. Somewhere better,
somewhere safer, somewhere where she will suffer no more. Her presence and
loving kind ways will be sorely missed by all of us .. I know she worried about
us all to the end. A mom till the very end, unconcerned about herself, even unto
death.
I am glad she is not suffering
any more. Near the end there I prayed that God would take her poor soul
peacefully.
I want to share a prayer and
some thoughts Mom wanted me to add to her memorial.
You can
shed tears that she is gone,
or you
can smile because she has lived.
O
You can
close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you
can open your eyes and see all she's left.
O
Your
heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you
can be full of the love you shared.
O
You can
turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you
can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
O
You can
remember her and only that she's gone,
or you
can cherish her memory and let it live on.
O
You can
cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your
back,
or you can do what she'd want:
O
Smile,
open your eyes, love, and go on.
O
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss
Me but Let Me Go When I come
to the end of the road and the
sun has set for me, I want no
rites in a gloom filled room, why
cry for a soul set
free?
Miss me a
little...but not too
long,
and not with your
head bowed low. Remember the love
that once was shared,
miss
me...but then let me
go.
For this is a journey
we all must take and each must go
alone. It's all part of the
Master's plan, a step on the road
to home. When you are lonely and
sick of heart go to the friends
we know, and bury your sorrows in
doing good deeds.
Miss
me...but let me
go.
George R.
Monseur
O
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O
Please, I beg you, do not call to offer me your
condolences just yet. It will be much to hard for me to hear now! I will need
some time to mourn my Mother in my own way, which is in solitude and silent
reflection of who my Mom this wonder lady was. I must deal with this loss in my
own private way. Thank all of you for your
prayers and concerns. I will try to keep you posted on news as anything
develops. Mom wishes were to cremated like
Dad, there will be no services held. Hold them in your own hearts. Lets all do
what Mom would want.
O
You can
cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
or you
can do what she'd want:
smile,
open your eyes, love, and go
on. Love -- Betty Ann
Fitzgerald
O Don't
Grieve
Don't Grieve For Me, For Now I'm
Free. I'm Following The Path God Laid For Me. I Took His Hand When I Heard
His Call, I Turned My Back And Left It All. I Could Not Stay Another Day, To
Love, To Laugh, To Work Or Play. Tasks Left Undone Must Stay That Way. I've
Found That Peace At The Close Of Day. If My Parting Has Left A Void, Then
Fill It With Remembered Joy, A Love And Friendship Shared, A Laugh, A Kiss.
Ah, Yes, These Things I Too Will Miss. Be Not Burdened With Times Of Sorrow,
I Wish You The Sunshine Of Tomorrow. My Life's Been Full, I Savored Much;
Good Friends, Good Times, A Loved One's Touch. Perhaps My Time Seemed All Too
Brief. Don't Lengthen It With Undue Grief. God Wanted Me Now; He Set Me Free.
O Together
again!
O ~~ It
has been a privilege, an honor and my sacred duty to care for my
Mother. Love you
Mom, thanks for all you gave to me . . . Dave
O
Posted at 01:13 AM
Sat
- November 1, 2003
Turning Purple and heavy breathing
Mom is
really a mess again tonight. I was told by Hospice nurse to move Mom onto her
side every 2-3 hours, and not her back anymore as the bedsores are terrible
there. Mostly due to the dam catheter leaking and Moms thin skin. As I mentioned
on the earlier posting, the nurse thinks mom is having spasms that cause the
urine to be expelled.
I turned mom back
onto her back briefly tonight to give her liquid meds (morphine and anxiety) and
waited another 20mins or so then proceeded to move her onto her right side. She
started to make throaty noises then threw up very dark brown, feces smelling
vomit. Moms feet and knees have purple mottling all over now also. God
please
take this poor woman and let her suffer no more!
I called Hospice and explained what
happened. They said to insert a suppository as she may be nauseous. Did that and
will wait now at least another 1/2 hour before I attempt more Morphine and
anxiety medicine. Hope that works. She is breathing very heavily as well. Need
to go, I am so miserably sorry Mom has to go through all this shit. Time to give
Mom her Morphine and anxiety medicine, pray she does not lose it.
Dave
Posted at 07:24 PM
I feel quilty!
Mother is
completely unresponsive and out of it today. Both eyes are now half closed. It
may be her last day on this earth. Although I have been wrong many times
before!
I had the Nurse at my request
come visit Mother this morning and advise me if anything else can be done for
Mom from my end and to fix the dam catheter problem. Last night before I went to
bed I check the bag and diaper area and they were drenched. I changed the
blotters and diaper, but had no dam badges for Moms bedsore area. It was soaked
as well! The nurse say they cannot fix the catheter because Mom is having SPASMS
that cause the leakage, a common problem at this stage and with some people.
The nurse checked Mom over very
thoroughly, especially the Bag. Adjusting it and so forth. Moms blood pressure
was a little up, but not out of range. Her heart was beating a little faster.
Normal at this stage the nurse
said.
She says I am doing all that can
be done for her and a good job. I don't feel like it. We changed the dressing of
her bedsores which were stuck, and they left me 4 more bandages with
instructions on use to last me awhile. We have Mom on her side now after a good
cleaning and she is resting -- "fretfully". Her breathing is becoming heavy and
more rapid. She actually had a small BM while the hospice aid was cleaning her.
Finally after almost a month a BM. Mom cannot even take in water now, that is
how bad she has gotten. She has not even uttered a word today, other than moans
of pain while we moved and rolled her to put new bed-sheets and diapers on and
new nighty. The aid Darlette will visit more often. She has been coming every
other day and does a superb job cleaning Mom
up.
They assured me the bedsores are
usually a cause of people like Mom with very thin skin. The fact that the cat
bag is leaking due to the spasms, does not help either. They also pointed out
the purplish discoloration in Mothers feet are signs of her body shutting down.
I remember Dr. Orlowski thinking that Mom had a slow growing cancer, unlike dads
more aggressive one. Maybe I did not move her
enough at the beginning also was a problem for the sores. Mom always wanted to
lay on her back. I told the nurse that perhaps they need to go over these things
more frequently with us unprofessional and unaware caregivers. I think I may
have read about it a long time ago, but forgot. I feel shitty about it, as if
it's all my fault.
I was told my
brother Steve was suppose to come up and I pray he does as I really need the
help. I will have him go buy some more wash cloths, bleach, tissues and other
items Mom needs.
Hospice has been doing
fine, I guess I just had to be more demanding of more frequent nurse visits.
They told me I would not want Mom to go into a home because Mom would get even
less help than she is now
receiving.
Need to attend and watch
over Mom, She is moaning again... Dave
Posted at 02:05 PM
Fri - October 31, 2003
What am I suppose to do?
Poor Mom,
what a mess her catheter bag has become. Even with a diaper on the urine manages
to miss the diaper and soak the underneath sheets. I spent an hour again
changing her diaper and trying to patch up her bedsores. They are just terrible
looking. There are three large red bedsores eating a whole in her delicate
underside. The patches they put on hopelessly become saturated with concentrated
urine as well. I had no more to apply. I washed her as well I could all the
while Mom moaning in pain. Anyone have any suggestions I'd appreciated it. I am
at my wits end. I feel sometimes like
I’m not doing all I can for her, and seriously wondering if I am doing the
right thing now. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone along with Mom and Hospice so
soon. Maybe given Mom more time to see how she would progress without
Hospice.
Tomorrow I will call Hospice
and demand some alternative treatment for Mom. She may go any day now. Any
minute but I cannot stand to see her in such a mess. There must be a better
solution for the catheter bag
situation. Anyone have any ideas I would
truly appreciate it. What am I suppose to do? Thanks,
Dave
Posted at 10:53 PM
Where will we go?
Mom said
to me this morning after her face
cleaning, "I want physical
therapy." I knew she meant to move her
arms and legs! Each arm and leg was moved up and down and sideways, and I rub
her legs and feet until she finally says, enough! I tell you, THIS precious
little lady will fight this death stuff to the final bitter end. Obviously or
unfortunately she will not win, but she's not going to go easily. I am so
impressed with her strong, stubborn will. Most people would have given up weeks
ago. I am not sure although if someone along the way gave her some thoughts that
just maybe there is nothing beyond death. I know we had talked of it on
occasion when we were still taking short walks. Thoughts of that nagging,
questioning doubt
perchance that
can't help but cross your mind from time-to-time. Especially when death so near,
comes a knocking in your face. Is there an
afterlife?
Last night as we were
preparing for bed, Mom said again,
"I am
scared" all I could do was say
"I know
Mom!" Kneeling at her bedside I laid my head down
next to hers, we stayed head to head for awhile until I could hear her
breathing restfully again. Mom is really too sick to say -- but I am sure it
would be ... See you on the other side everyone! The Good Side!
:)
Last night was pretty easy for both
of us. More for me I am sure than her. But our sleep was fairly uneventful. I
finally got the trick down to sleeping on the lounge chair -- 2 pillows side by
side seemed to help tremendously. I arose about 6:30 and started the morning
rituals. Mom wanted coffee she had said late last night. We only had caffeinated
so I did not need to give her any that late at night. But as promised, I fixed
her some when we awoke. Boy I tell you, unlike when it is med time or for a
drink of just plain old H2o, when I came to her and said
"here's your coffee
Mom," her mouth opened in an instant. She only
had a sip or two from a spoon before she quit. Said the coffee tasted burnt. At
least that is what I thought she said. It was freshly brewed per her
instructions, I promise folks.
Well, I
await the Anxiety medication I spilt last night to arrive. It should be coming
via FedEX soon. I wrote a large sign attaching to the front door instructing
them to knock once softly and leave between the doors. We'll see what happens
this time. Mom is asleep and hate to see her awake. I dread tonight's little
goblins and hope it is a quite
night!
The day waits for news of Mom.
Should anything change I will
try
to write ASAP. Have a good day, Dave
Posted at 08:47 AM
Thu - October 30, 2003
Back to diapers today!
Not to
much to report today. Moms condition still worsening minute-by-minute. The
silver thread growing thinner by the
hour!
After a fretful rest last night,
Mom was (after her meds) sleeping peacefully this morning. So I laid down about
9-am and did not awake until the knock on the door. It awoke both of us. It was
the hospice people. It was noon already? I had asked the nurse and aid from
Hospice to come by today to assist me with changing all of Mothers bed-sheets.
After lasts nights problems I needed some professional help.
We changed Moms bed-sheets, put a
diaper on her to help absorb the strong ammonia smell of the concentrated urine.
Maybe we both will sleep better tonight! We
had discussed the prospect early on of taking the catheter out completely, but
the nurse now thinks after seeing all the urine in the bag, that I would be up
all night changing diapers if we removed it. We had stopped using the diapers
and instead just positioned flat absorbent sheets under Mom.
The catheter is leaking at the entry
point, backing up the nurse thinks, but still catching most of the urine. I
agreed to leave it in, as after my few diaper changes I learned it is not easy
to do with Moms weight and unresponsive condition. Babies are easy, not grown
adults. I have a newfound appreciation for the nurses profession. It is not for
the weak backed for sure. I will still have
to change diapers, but not as often.
After Hospice left, I cleaned all the
soiled laundry and had some food.
I
then asked the lady again next door to please watch Mom while I took a nap later
today. She has volunteered many a time. I like to use her as Mom liked her, but
I worry because she has a hearing problem, she may not hear Mom even sitting 3
feet away. My TN was beginning to bother me
again. Although I am sure the stress doesn't help, sleeping on a lounge chair
all night close to mom and this morning on the futon couch just hurts my weak
back too much. I usually awake and the back muscles just ache. That is why I
needed Rene to watch Mom while I sleep in the other room on the GOOD bed.
Speaking of which I need to get to bed (lounge chair) before Mom wakes
up!
Oops to late. Mom just woke up,
changed her diaper, gave her some water and spilled the dam liquid anxiety
medicine all over the floor. I will have to try to give her the anxiety pill at
2 or 3 am now. That will be a trick.
Mom most the day could not speak at
all, only nonsense. But just now, after her water sips, in her whispered voice
... she asked me "What's wrong
with me" it shocked me sadly for a moment,
I told her the truth, "you have cancer
Mom" ...
"But I am here to be with you!"
She just closed her eyes, and continued in her
semi-sleep mode.
Well that is where I
need to go, into my semi-sleep mode as well.
I can't open the window for the temperatures
at night now are around 40 -50 degrees. I checked the temperature before I
started this entry and it was about 69 degrees in the house, it is now 66 just
opening the window a 1/4". Burrrr it is getting cold fast. Closed the
window!
Goodnight to you all, pray that
God will take our Mother soon. Mom's awake again, got to go.
Dave
Posted at 10:37 PM
Wed - October 29, 2003
A very long Silver thread!
Our dear
Mother is still here with us! Still hanging on to whatever little life she has
in her. Not much, but she is still here! Can't tell you much today, pretty much
the same as yesterday. Her sleep is fretful when she manages some. Each time she
awakes she lets out a scared cry and both her arms come up in the air. Both her
arms and legs are completely limp otherwise, and with no meat at all on them. I
pick them up and slowly rotate a little at her request of about a week ago. She
says it feels good to be able to move
them.
She is still suffering dementia
and hallucinations most of the time. Sometimes she'll come out of it just for a
minute, but still has difficulty recognizing who I am.
It is raining most steadily today, and
the coolness penetrates everything. The wonderful days of Oregon winter rain I
fear are here for the season. I can't think of anything else to say. I will ask
the lady next door if she would watch Mom while I shower and take a small nap.
Till later, Dave
Posted at 02:56 PM
Tue - October 28, 2003
Hanging onto a Silver thread!
I don't
know what to say! Mom has been literally hanging on to a thread all day now. I
was so certain she would pass away and so were two Hospice nurses. With her eyes
constantly rolled back, and her haggard look and pale waxy complexion she just
looks as if she is dead lying in bed! I slept by her bed all night (we
only got up 3-4 times) and since 4:30 am sat by her side most the day. She just
could not go back to sleep. She will be near sleep, but never really hold on to
it. She awakes and wants a few sips of water about every 10 mins, which I still
have to put in using the syringe. She is to weak to suck on the straw.
Mom is moaning and groaning much more than
usual. So I have not been able to write anything yet. She asks to have her arms
rubbed when she could half talk. Then when she was half awake I told her how she
was the best Mom and I loved her and so forth and Mom just said
"Ok, that's enough"
I see she is Very frustrated, she wants to
die and can't. At one point I forget her exact words, she speaks in such a dying
whisper of a voice -- but it was something to the effect --
"Why can't I go?"
I feel so bad for
her.
Mike is this how Dad
went!?
We had to change her catheter
bag because it was leaking. A nurse came by from Hospice to change it Monday
late. Her urine is extremely concentrated and comes out very dark reddish brown.
The new bag we noticed now today is also
leaking!
Today a Hospice aid came by to
try to give Mom a bath and Mom just said no.
"What's the
use" and later, when we were checking her
bed sore bandage and trying to reposition her, she
said "Why bother"
we cleaned her as much as possible, made
her comfortable and left her
alone.
Chaplain Phil of Hospice came by
Monday, earlier in the evening and gave Betty the Eucharist. We prayed over
Betty and I swear I thought Mom was going to leave us
then.
Well time for more medicine, the
liquid Morphine and liquid anxiety med. That's all ... Dave
Posted at 04:45 PM
Mon - October 27, 2003
Mom and death are holding hands now!
Poor Mom
is still hanging on, and I just don't know how she does it! She told me this
morning, very weakly, as I was trying to get her to drink, and I was talking to
her about giving her her pain pills next. She said,
"No more
drugs" as if she knows they are
responsible for her being so out of touch with reality. Even with all the pills
required she is now experiencing pain in the area where the cancer is most
prevalent. I am going back to adding an ice bag to the inflicted area, as that
helped a lot even before all the
pills.
Her ankles were swollen
yesterday, because I had the bed elevated the wrong direction. Moms feet were
one cold and the other warm, so I figured if I kept her legs down the
circulation would improved her condition. Wrong, the Nurse last night said,
you'd think so but it is just the opposite. They need to be elevated up, and
sure enough this morning they looked a lot
better.
God please spare her any more
agony. As I sit here trying to update you as quickly as I can at 35 wpm, Mom
moans a terrible moan so I run to her only to see her eyes rolled back and heavy
breathing. I stroke her head and tell her I am here, but I don't know what else
I can do. I attempted to rotate her a little this morning, as the nurse
instructed, for Mom has also a bed sour on her bottom. Mom screamed if you could
call it that and said please not now. I still tried a few more times, but she
was in to much pain. They told me to listen to them, so I did and gave up the
attempts but I worry about what can happen to her bottom sore if left on it to
long. The nurse and I cleaned it last night and covered it good.
Her pulse was 116 this morning and her blood
pressure low. I made a nurse come out yesterday to look Mom over, because I was
uncertain if I was doing all I could for her.
They think Mom if she hangs on much
longer will need to have her catheter bag replaced or flushed regularly as it is
being plugged by her concentrated urine. They will teach me how it is done. I
have to go Mom is quite now, but I need to check her. Later,
Dave
Posted at 11:36 AM
Sun - October 26, 2003
Closing slow to the Finish Line!
Hi
everyone, Mom seems to be closing in on the finish line. Last night I asked
brother Dick if I could sleep in the folks room as I needed some extra winks.
Mom though as usual Dick learns was up and down again most the night, but around
12pm & 4:45am Mom threw up. The first time in a very long time. Could it be
having to look at brother Dicks puss? I only
wish it were the case, but fear the cancer is the main cause of her latest
problems. Mom's temp is 97.4 degrees this morning and still some blood in her
urine.
Dick and I have done what we can
to make her comfortable. A Hospice aid will be by today to give Mom a bath. I
hope that makes her feel even better. Dick has been a God send, allowing me some
down time. I went to do the groceries and took a small nap Saturday. Dick has
pretty much caught me up on some of the chores. Dick visited Joe saturday to get
beat at Cribbage. Then he got me caught up with Moms bills that needed to be
paid, and laundry piles up of course. Thanks Dick - - Now that just leaves my
pile of bills I need to go
through.
That's all for now, Dick is
preparing to return to Medford and work, around 12 or 1pm, so signing off for
now. Steve is suppose to come up this Wednesday thru Monday, which would be
really great, but I really doubt Mom will ever make it that long. Though I have
been wrong before. This precious lady, she just keeps going and going, and
going!
This is the slowest dam race I
ever have witnessed.
Mom just said,
"I have the greatest boys!"
and Dick said
"That's because we had the greatest
Mom!" Dick and Dave
out!
Posted at 10:06 AM
Sat
- October 25, 2003
I want to Say Every Flower!
Want does
the headline mean, you ask!? I don't know folks. Mom wouldn't say. Hospice never
gave me a translation book. I'll have to talk to them about that! I asked Mom
this morning, after some OJ, eggs, yes eggs, and even a few sips of Coffee,
would she like me to say something to all her friends and family on the Weblog
journal. She says "I want to say
every Flower" It is pretty I think, maybe
some poetry of the dying.
I personally
think it means She wants to say hello to everybody! And probably
this death stuff
sucks. But then it is really hard to
understand half of what she says these days. It is my best guess. Oh, except
this one message came in loud and clear this morning. I was fixing her scrambled
eggs and giving her some OJ, then asked her
--"Mom anything else I can do for
you" I must really set myself up for these.
She says "Yes, sit down, shut up
and feed me some more breakfast" --
completely blew me away folks!
After
feeding her some more breakfast (in silence) I cleaned her mouth out good, then
I got a warm washcloth and bathed her faced good. After I finished, she stopped
gazing at the ceiling a moment, reached for my hand -- gentle I held it as she
looked right at me and said so sweet and softly -- in almost a whisper,
"I love
you!"It's so nice to hear that sometimes she
emerges from her darkness, awake just long enough to recognize me. Moms are so
precious a gift!
Oh good, brother Dick
just drove up ... Mom will be happy, as I have been reminding her the past two
days your number one born son is coming to visit. After visiting a bit with
Dick, I heard Mom ask him, "When
it is dark at night and no one is around and I don't have a
fly-swatter..." It ends abruptly with Mom
wondering what she had just said herself. Dick just looks at me, one eyebrow
raised! I am glad I am not the only one having deciphering difficulties. Poor
Mom I know it is so hard on her sometimes not knowing even herself what she says
and so difficult for her to express her needs, wants or just thoughts. I can see
the frustration in Moms wrinkled, frowning face as she struggles, usually in
vein, to explain herself. At least with Dick here I know now I am not the
only hearing her challenged person in the
room.
Addendum:
12:15pm Sorry it takes some time to finish
these entries when Mom needs our attention. Up and
down! Mom has started to voice her concerns
about BMs. A new worry for the day! First time in a long time. Although I have
been giving her nightly Laxative med which is suppose to work, plus remove the
impurities in her system, (per Hospice) Mom has still had no BM for at least a
month now. Most likely due to lack of food, the body shutting down, and the main
cause ... the dam Cancer that is smashing her colon flat. I gave her a small
amount of the laxative medicine to calm her down and a little liquid Morphine as
Mom was complaining of pain in the area of the cancer. That is all I can do for
her now. She has blood in her urine the first sign this morning, a concern I
will speak of when calling the Hospice
nurse.
I need to sign off, call the
nurse and get some more sleep. Last night was better, but I still have some
catch-up to do! Dicks turn to care awhile. Poor Mom I can hear her saying to
Dick, still talking about flowers and little girls.
"Give them to
people" she says as
"I can't to this day put them in
my mouth." "and I need a drink of
water!"Just Listen to her Dick and pray for
her.
Later for now, Dick and Dave!,
Flowers from One and Two boys!
And flowers from all the
rest!
Posted at 10:55 AM
Fri - October 24, 2003
Mom takes a 180 degree turn!
Rotated
Moms bed 180 degrees just now so she faces the window and can see the sky and
some trees and bushes -- well there are some ugly cars to see also, but hey this
is Oregon. What's a few old ugly cars amongst friends. Alas, it's not so
exciting for her as I thought. She pretty much keeps her eyes closed most the
time. We had the bed facing the TVs boring old white wall, but since it was nice
outside I thought she'd like. Tried, maybe if she wakens more
later.
Gee I take a hour nape and I
want to re-arrange the house. No more energy so I sat to jot down a few
thoughts. I know you're wondering Wheres the thoughts! Well, It was only
an hour nap. Insufficient to re-spark the
juices. Later, Dave
Posted at 04:18 PM
To Sleep or not to Sleep!
Mom had a
pretty good night, only awoke 3-4 times thirsty for
water.
This morning after the morning
pill ritual, OJ and bed position shifting Mom says she is afraid if she closes
her eyes she thinks they won't open again. I told her yes they will Mom, I
promise. Then later again she reiterates saying
"I'm scared they wont
open" I say
"Yes they will open again Mom, either
here with pesky ole me or in heaven with your beloved
Donald." She smile her little smile, and
closed her eyes! Gee! ... I don't know ...
should I be offended or what? :-)
Well
I have some work to do, so signing off, pesky Dave
Posted at 11:27 AM
Thu - October 23, 2003
Degeneres and Full Bath Day!
Mom slept
well last night, awoke only once or twice. Have Mom finally awake late about
8:30am. Tried to wake her slowly. Gave her some pain pills removed her diaper
gave her some OJ and little Toast she requested, rubbed her legs and arms, took
her blood pressure, repositioned her in bed and of course talked to her
throughout the whole process. Asked if she wanted any more food now and she said
NO. THEN I asked her
"MOM
anything else I can do for you?" AND she says
--
"Yes
BE quite."
I almost cracked up laughing, but smiled at
her and said" yes
Momma!"
We
even watch Ellen Degeneres on TV this morning. Sometimes when Mom is awake
enough I will turn on her favorite news channel with Katy Couric for her to
watch. Degeneres came on afterward while I was busy doing other things like
dishes and such, not really paying attention to TV and heard Mom say
"Do you know who this
is?" I went over and said,
"Sure of course Mom but didn't know she
had a TV show.""Do you want to watch"
and Mom enthusiastically says
"Yes!"
That's when I remembered that Mom likes her. If she comes on every day I will
have to try to notice and put her on for Mom from now
on.
Mom
later looked right at me today and even said thanks Davie
and
smiled. The best gift I have ever received from her! I love to see her rare
smiles now and times when she can talk to me. She seems to have come around this
morning a bit. I know they will come less and less so I treasure each moment I
can with her.
Hospice
aid Darlette is coming by at 2:30 to give Mom a bath. I think I will start to
wake her about 2 so she can be awake and enjoy her
bath.
Well
Mom has gone back to her dreamland, so I have the time to write these thoughts
for you and I to read now and whenever we need to remember this beautiful lady.
Thanks all for your prayers. I see
they must be working!
Posted at 11:35 AM
Wed - October 22, 2003
Another day, another Setback!
Mom has
suffered a setback again today. Earlier in the day she was so-so, (half good,
some bad) but now ... I mean she is back to being just gone mentally. Staring at
the ceiling, not speaking. Guess this is just the way it will
go.
I will need to fight hard for the
strength at the end. I have been very close to my Mom over the years, we would
go shopping together, talk or take in a movie now and then. Movies like driving
miss Daisy. Things like that.
I think
as we are growing up we tend to naturally lead our own lives and sometimes we
can grow distant from our parents. They are always in our hearts of course, but
not always in our minds each minute of the day, so to speak as we go about our
daily lives.
Lately this last year though and especially
the last 9 months, Mom and I have grown inseparable. With Dads passing, I went
to Florida to help out, giving brother Mike a break. He was there when Dad died,
so he knows what it's like ... right Mike. I would spend time with Mom cleaning
the house and caring for her illness, doctor trips and the like. Mike had almost
used up all his vacation time and needed to get back to work full-time. We could
joke, when we drove Mom to her appointments and such, that we weren't driving
miss daisy ... we were driving miss Betty. That darn movie must have given her
some ideas. :) I feel that is what will make
her passing so hard on me now. I tend to grow very attached to those I love and
care for. To think of them not being around any more just racks at my heart so.
Who am I going to drive around now!?
:)
Well, I just spent the last 1/2 hour
or so rubbing Moms arms and legs giving her water and trying to talk to her. We
use to watch her favorite show, the Bachelor and it was on tonight. I was trying
to talk to her and explain what was going on, but she did not appear to care. So
I asked her ... "Mom you don't care
huh!?" She barely nodded her head yes, and
with a slight frown continued to stare at the ceiling. It was cute in a way. It
was like she was saying ... "I
don't give a @%it son, I'm dying you
schmuck!"
She can't talk back
very often, (gee no one to argue with anymore) but I think she hears me. I think
she is down for the evening, at least until she awakes and forgets she has the
catheter and gets nervous because she has to pee! I have to calm her down and
remind her, Mom you have a catheter. I usually will give an anxiety pill once
early am about 2 ish.
Well I guess all
this gut spilling is suppose to be good for me, and since my driving duties are
done, I have lots of time to sit and ponder with the
pen.
Well pondering all that, I think I
am tired and need to get some rest. say, goodnight
Dave!
Posted at 11:39 PM
Almost doesn't Count!
As I
requested yesterday, nurse Sonya came by this morning (9am) to check on Moms
condition. Mom was WAY better this morning than yesterday. We were actually up
most of last night drinking water and taking some meds, and talking somewhat.
Where all day yesterday she was just plain GONE. This morning Mom seems fine. I
mean as fine as one can be under her condition. Her eyes are not rolled back all
the time. She's not Un-responsive etc. She just scared the hell out of me. The
aid that gave Mom her bath had told the nurse about Moms cloudy thick urine and
overall condition as well. The nurse thought she was very close to death
yesterday and thought her kidneys had shut down just from mine and the aids
descriptions.
Sonya told me that Mom
had asked her if "isn't this the way it's
suppose to be", as if Mom thinks this is the
way she's suppose to act or be!? Well I can tell you that was no act yesterday.
I guess I will just have to try to accept
that this will be the way for Mom for
some time yet to come. There will be days
she's sure to look and act like death warmed over and then days she will snap
out of it! I will have to be strong!
I
fixed Mom some toast biscuits, which she ate a few bites. She had a sip or two
of OJ and then fixed her some Carnation Instant Breakfast and a sip or three of
that. That is what I usually feed Mom with she's capable to accept. Yesterday I
had to squirt water into her. Not good! The nurse said it is good to get liquids
other than water back into her to replenish her electorites (sp). Water alone
just doesn't cut it. She had that little breakfast and then grew tired and is
sleeping again.
As they say.
Almost doesn't Count (except in horseshoes
& hand-grenades) That's it for now.
Scared Dave somewhat relieved for the moment!
Posted at 10:00 AM
Tue - October 21, 2003
It Feels Very Near!
I am
writing this now to all of you with a very heavy heart, as I don't know if I
will be able to later when Mom leaves us. Today I feel Mom is so close to death
and I really feel like I'm going to fall apart. I have been watching her all day
and she does not respond at all. I can't even get her to drink when she does
arose. I squirt a little water in her mouth with a plastic syringe they gave me
from one of the medicines. Her eyes just roll back into her sockets and she
continues with very shallow breathing. Then she's out
again!
I just called the nurse Sonya to
ask her what can I do. I feel so dam helpless. I want Moms suffering to stop and
yet I don't want to just pump her full of
morphine.
I feel so sad and helpless
and lost, and weak. She has not even spoken much at all today. We had a hospice
aid Darlette come and give Mom a bath and Mom was almost totally out of it even
then.
Thanks! love,
Dave
Addendum
5:45pm: While I was writing this, the lady
next door Rene came by to ask if I wanted to go for a walk. I almost refused,
because I am so worried something will happen when I go somewhere, but I decided
to go. You know Murphy's law ... well it did happen. I went for a ten minute
walk, and when I came back, Rene said she had just woke up and more or less
talking. All day asleep, and then she awakes when I take a walk. Anyway I was
able to give her a little water AND even talk to her a little bit, although
one-sided. I then gave her some liquid pain
medication.
I asked her then, Mother do
you know who this is, referring to myself, and Mom said in the weakest voice
"Yes, you are my beloved David"
I was so happy she still has something
left in there. She then went back into sleep mode.
Lord, be gentle with her
and let her go peacefully without pain. Amen,
Dave
Posted at 04:54 PM
Mon - October 20, 2003
And the beat goes on, on, on!
Well the
good folks from Hospice have come and gone today. Nurse Sonya, April and Marie
the massage person. So Mom has been checked over, talked to and massaged. Almost
... repeat
almost
makes dying a lot less painful. Well actually it does. Mom is much more relaxed
afterward, than before sometimes. Hey it's not like I'm not doing a good job,
but I think Mom gets tired of looking at the same ole puss everyday
:)
I need to stop and relax a bit
myself. Just finished a project this morning on the computer and my eyes are
starting to bother me. Seeing double! You know how as a kid when you crossed
your eyes to make a funny face and you kind of seen double for a minute? Come
on, how many of you were really kids if you didn't do that at least once a week?
Let see a raise of hands, oh wow look at all those hands. Except gee ... I
forgot, I have to count only half of those. Well anyway, it's really not all
that Bad, Bad. Sometimes it comes, comes and goes, goes, you know what, what I
mean, mean?? I think it's the meds for the TN
pain.
Well, a cold cloth on the eyes
(all four of them) and some rest, rest and I, I will be as good, good as new,
new. Later, later you all, all. Dave. Dave. Bye, Bye!
Posted at 01:46 PM
Sun - October 19, 2003
Mom Soon will be Safe!
Well I
have been trying to see if I could get through to Mom to converse with me and
she is still there folks. We talked about where she was, and what she was
dreaming about. She's ready to go she insists and doesn't want me to feel sad
but good for her. I assured her that I will miss her so terribly much but also I
did not want to see her suffer so. If she was ready I told her God would take
her gently in his arms and lead her down her final path. I said that Dad had
surely got his shoes polished by now and his tie on straight and is ready as
well to accept her in his open arms.
I
could not get her to eat anything now, but earlier she did have some of her
favorite blueberry yogurt.
Brother
Richard left today around 1am I think, thanks for the help Bro! Didn't get all I
need to do done, but oh well. I just received an email last night for 3 more
business cards so I should start on those
soon.
Many of you I am certain have
heard of Josh Groban. He sings a song
...The
Prayer (With Charlotte Church) first done
by Andrea Bocelli. It is a beautiful song. I was playing some pretty soft music
for Mother and typing this when this song and these words echoed to me. I want
to pass on to you.
"Lead us to
a place, guide us with your grace ... To a place where we'll be
safe." "Lead us to a place, guide
us with your grace ... Give us faith so we'll be
safe."
Moms
final Path!
Thanks,
Dave
I hope God through his
grace, will lead you all to a place where you will be
safe. ________________________________________________________________
Addendum:
5:15pm Mom
stirred so I went to her and tried to give her water, but she refused. Mom just
asked where was Dad, I told her he was getting ready to see her. She says I'm so
tired, to tired to go to him ... he will have to come to me. I told her just
close your eyes Mother and He will come to you. Just rest Mom. God I pray to you
... please, if you must take her soul now, be so gentle with
her.
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