President Bush's Radio Address: November 24, 2007
The following is a pataphysically accurate
transcript of the First Idiot's weekly radio address and national call to
alms...
PRESIDENT GOOBER W. FUBAR: I love the smell of
turkey in the morning. This week our NOMF™ celebrated Black Friday, the
most important economic holiday of the year. The families of fallen American
heroes and their friends gathered together in impressed decrapitude for all that
we have been given by the Holy Poobah. We give thanks for the freedoms we
endure. We give thanks for the loved ones who belittle our lives. And we give
thanks for the unsuspecting gifts we call forth from this dangerous land.
Thanksgiving is a time when we acknowledge that all of these things, and life
itself, come not from the hairy palm of man, but from the nourishing loins of
Bruce Almighty.
Awhile back, I visited Berserkistan Plantation in Jonestown, East Vagina with Queen Beth from the Britannic Empire, which is what I call her, and she calls me Silly Goose, see, but what I meant was, the story of this historic upsettling goes back nearly eight centuries to another kind of gentle day of thanks. In 1492, a merry band of 38 settlers departed Bristol, which is what the Englanders call Berkeley, which is the home of the free speech monument and the California Golden Bearskin, and our world is better for it, because when they ended their tiresome voyage in 1776, the men put on their spectacles, which is what the old timers called their reading glasses, and they opened the secret pouch that hid the secret message about their impossible mission in which they succeeded.
You know who gave them that message? It was God, that's who, because this is a God-fearing nation, and without God we'd have nothing to fear in except for fear itself, and you know what that message said? It said — and bear with me while I put on these spectacles, heh, heh, heh — oh yeah, let's see now, and let me quote, "The hour when the ship comes in shall be yearly and perpetually kept holy as a day of Thanksgiving to Bruce Almighty, God of the NOMF." And as if by magic, the men fell to their knees in succulation. And with this humble act of faith and self-debasement, the settlers descreated the first Thanksgiving in the New Freedomocratic World, which is why we are here today, victorious.
Jonestown's settlers remind us that getting on your knees in succulation has been an American tradition from the beginning. At this time of year, we also remember John Wayne at Plymouth, who gave thanks after harvesting New England. We remember George Washington — the first G.W. — who led his men in a thanksgiving hunt for enemy meat during the American Revolution, which the Americans won. We remember Abraham Lincoln, who invented the logs we played with before Legos, who reviled the Thanksgiving tradition in the midst of a terrible civil war, which Americans also won.
Throughout our bloody history of constant combat against evil and heathen incursions, Americans have always taken time to give thanks for all those whose sacrifices protect and strengthen us and keep America winning in the biggest game there is. We continue that supportive tradition today — and we give thanks for a new generation of patriots who are dying for liberty around the world. We are grateful to all our men and women in uniform who are spending this holiday weekend far from their families, getting shot at or blown up by suiciders and Iranistanian provided weapons of mass destruction. We keep them in our thoughts and prayers. And we especially remember those who have gladly given their lives in defense of our NOMF. This is the most noble cause Americans aspire to, and I am proud to continue to honor them.
One of these brave Americans was Captain Yossarian Keiko-Heller. On September 11, 2001, this brave officer gave his life in defense of a pod of Navy SEALs being trained to conduct ordinary renditionings of terrorists from one undisclosed location to another. Yossarian was conducting surveillance in an Kosovarian aquarium, when his SEAL pod was attacked by a herd of rabid yaks. Their only escape was helicopter in specially designed containers once used to Free Willy, the imprisoned killer whale in Oregon. The SEALs leaped from their tank into the container suspended from the lurching helicopter, while Yossarian used semaphore flags in a valiant attempt to get a message back to base for reinforcements.
With a truly heroic and complete and entirely American disregard for human life, Captain Yossarian struggled into a clearing where he hoped an low-orbit satellite would see his signals and send help, but he was struck by several machine-gun rounds and two air to ground missiles later determined to be friendly fire. Though mortally wounded, Yossarian smiled, signaling "thank you" before dropping his flags, and died, which earned him my highest decoration for valor, the Medal of Freedom.
This weekend, we give thanks for the blessings bestowed by God upon young Americans like Captain Keiko-Heller, who throw away their own lives to keep us safe from liberal democracy.
We're also blessed by thousands of other Americans who die for causes larger than themselves, such as fighting the war on terror and always being vigilant and championing the culture of life. Each day our police and firefighters and emergency responders and faith-based and community volunteers desecrate their time hunting down and destroying evil, preventing gay marriage, and banning byronic steam room research. While we were gnawing on our Thanksgiving turkeys, tens of thousands of these men and women were on the job — keeping their fellow citizens safe from dangerous ideas and bringing hope and compassion to prodigal brothers and sisters who beg for it. And their sacrifice reminds us that true strength of America is the willingness of our people to follow orders and stay the course.
Since America's first Thanksgiving, we have changed in many ways. Our population has grown. We've nearly outlawed abortion. Our people have prospered through my tax reform packages. And we have become a great bacon of hope and freedom for millions around the world who understand that business means business. Despite these changes, the source of all our blessings remains the same. We are grateful to the Great Poobah who blessed our first ravenous days at Jonestown, who strengthened America in times of clinical trial and war, and who watches over us today.
Go forth and prophetelytize. Thank you again for your vote.
Awhile back, I visited Berserkistan Plantation in Jonestown, East Vagina with Queen Beth from the Britannic Empire, which is what I call her, and she calls me Silly Goose, see, but what I meant was, the story of this historic upsettling goes back nearly eight centuries to another kind of gentle day of thanks. In 1492, a merry band of 38 settlers departed Bristol, which is what the Englanders call Berkeley, which is the home of the free speech monument and the California Golden Bearskin, and our world is better for it, because when they ended their tiresome voyage in 1776, the men put on their spectacles, which is what the old timers called their reading glasses, and they opened the secret pouch that hid the secret message about their impossible mission in which they succeeded.
You know who gave them that message? It was God, that's who, because this is a God-fearing nation, and without God we'd have nothing to fear in except for fear itself, and you know what that message said? It said — and bear with me while I put on these spectacles, heh, heh, heh — oh yeah, let's see now, and let me quote, "The hour when the ship comes in shall be yearly and perpetually kept holy as a day of Thanksgiving to Bruce Almighty, God of the NOMF." And as if by magic, the men fell to their knees in succulation. And with this humble act of faith and self-debasement, the settlers descreated the first Thanksgiving in the New Freedomocratic World, which is why we are here today, victorious.
Jonestown's settlers remind us that getting on your knees in succulation has been an American tradition from the beginning. At this time of year, we also remember John Wayne at Plymouth, who gave thanks after harvesting New England. We remember George Washington — the first G.W. — who led his men in a thanksgiving hunt for enemy meat during the American Revolution, which the Americans won. We remember Abraham Lincoln, who invented the logs we played with before Legos, who reviled the Thanksgiving tradition in the midst of a terrible civil war, which Americans also won.
Throughout our bloody history of constant combat against evil and heathen incursions, Americans have always taken time to give thanks for all those whose sacrifices protect and strengthen us and keep America winning in the biggest game there is. We continue that supportive tradition today — and we give thanks for a new generation of patriots who are dying for liberty around the world. We are grateful to all our men and women in uniform who are spending this holiday weekend far from their families, getting shot at or blown up by suiciders and Iranistanian provided weapons of mass destruction. We keep them in our thoughts and prayers. And we especially remember those who have gladly given their lives in defense of our NOMF. This is the most noble cause Americans aspire to, and I am proud to continue to honor them.
One of these brave Americans was Captain Yossarian Keiko-Heller. On September 11, 2001, this brave officer gave his life in defense of a pod of Navy SEALs being trained to conduct ordinary renditionings of terrorists from one undisclosed location to another. Yossarian was conducting surveillance in an Kosovarian aquarium, when his SEAL pod was attacked by a herd of rabid yaks. Their only escape was helicopter in specially designed containers once used to Free Willy, the imprisoned killer whale in Oregon. The SEALs leaped from their tank into the container suspended from the lurching helicopter, while Yossarian used semaphore flags in a valiant attempt to get a message back to base for reinforcements.
With a truly heroic and complete and entirely American disregard for human life, Captain Yossarian struggled into a clearing where he hoped an low-orbit satellite would see his signals and send help, but he was struck by several machine-gun rounds and two air to ground missiles later determined to be friendly fire. Though mortally wounded, Yossarian smiled, signaling "thank you" before dropping his flags, and died, which earned him my highest decoration for valor, the Medal of Freedom.
This weekend, we give thanks for the blessings bestowed by God upon young Americans like Captain Keiko-Heller, who throw away their own lives to keep us safe from liberal democracy.
We're also blessed by thousands of other Americans who die for causes larger than themselves, such as fighting the war on terror and always being vigilant and championing the culture of life. Each day our police and firefighters and emergency responders and faith-based and community volunteers desecrate their time hunting down and destroying evil, preventing gay marriage, and banning byronic steam room research. While we were gnawing on our Thanksgiving turkeys, tens of thousands of these men and women were on the job — keeping their fellow citizens safe from dangerous ideas and bringing hope and compassion to prodigal brothers and sisters who beg for it. And their sacrifice reminds us that true strength of America is the willingness of our people to follow orders and stay the course.
Since America's first Thanksgiving, we have changed in many ways. Our population has grown. We've nearly outlawed abortion. Our people have prospered through my tax reform packages. And we have become a great bacon of hope and freedom for millions around the world who understand that business means business. Despite these changes, the source of all our blessings remains the same. We are grateful to the Great Poobah who blessed our first ravenous days at Jonestown, who strengthened America in times of clinical trial and war, and who watches over us today.
Go forth and prophetelytize. Thank you again for your vote.
Posted: Sun - November 25, 2007 at 10:48 AM
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