Bush reassures NOMF that Democrats are to blame for economic
meltdown
Vince
Forester
Modern Role Model
Pataphysically Assisted Suicide Hotline
0510102008AFWFUYU11282301PMS
Modern Role Model
Pataphysically Assisted Suicide Hotline
0510102008AFWFUYU11282301PMS
CRAWLFORWARD, Taxes (PASH) — The First Idiot
addressed the nation of miserable fucks on Friday from a bunker on his Texas
ranch hoping to reassure his base that they should resist calls for his
impeachment at home or trial for war crimes
abroad.
The president began his statement with the customary attack on liberals and Democrats and hinted that he may have to invoke martial law to deal with the crisis, suspending "unnecessary privileges for those who would scuttle the gains we have made during the past 8 years of unprecedented growth and prosperity for those who have stood with us in these times of crisis."
Bush accused presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama of trying to exploit the current necronomic meltdown "for political gain." Bush also criticized Republican candidate John McCain for "being a little too mavericky in recent weeks. Sure, he's a hero, and his running mate is absolutely on the money, but you have to question the credentials of any man who is willing to blame his commander in chief for problems when the going gets tough."
The First Idiot blamed the current depression on unrealistic expectations of affordable housing made popular during the Clinton administration, saying that inflated home values made the country more attractive to Chinese investors "who thought they could just buy the country without considering other options on the table, such as invading and sustaining acceptable losses. Americans have always considered that all options remain on the table, and that's why we remain the greatest country in the universe today."
"American patriots have always understood that they have to work hard to get the kind of return on their investments that God thinks is prudent," the president said, "but the Democrats think that everyone should get the benefit of the hard work of a handful good Americans who have given me my mandrake, and they have taken advantage of our necronomic system with their tax and spend philosophy so that everyone has suffered."
"The fundamental problem is this," Fubar continued, "As the housing market has declined, banks holding assets related to home mortgages have suffered serious losses because those mortgages were given to people who did not deserve them. How this happened is an issue to be investigated by an independent counsel, and I intend to appoint a person of integrity to get to the bottom of the matter during my next term."
"As a result of these losses," Bush read from the teleprompter without many of his usual gaffes, "many banks lack the capital or the confidence in each other to make new loans. In turn, our system of credit has frozen, which is keeping Chinese-owned American businesses from financing their daily transactions — and creating discertainty throughout our necromony, which is threatening to underminify our ongoing war against terror, which is the greatest threat to our necronomic well-being."
"This uncertainty," Bush droned on, "has led to anxious anxiety among our anxieniified people. And that is understandable — anxiety can feed anxiety, and the anxienified anxienification can make it hard to see all the unanxious effort that is being done to solve the problem. The federal government has a comprehensive stratification and the tools necessary to address the challenges in our necromony. Fellow citizens: We can solve this crisis by using our tools — and we will use our tools to solve this crisis and stiffen our resolve."
Bush ten listed the problems his handlers think the nation is facing as well as the steps they think the president would be taking if he had another term left to implement them.
"First," Bush glared, "the people who have the money to solve the problem can't do it because they don't see what's in it for them, so the grease necessary to keep the gears of our financial system turning is like an empty tube of KY jelly, despite the Federal Reserve injecting hundreds of billions of dollars into the vaginal cavities of our necronomy. We need volunteers to go down on the withered and sere old twats of finance to get them necronomic juices flowing again."
"Next," the world's most powerful developmentally disabled retard said, "A few greedily cynical liberal Americans are concerned about whether the money they have hidden from the Internal Revenue Service is safe. So the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation and the National Credit Union Administration have significantly expanded the amount of money insured in savings accounts, and checking accounts, and certificates of deposit. That means that if you have up to $250,000 in one of these insured accounts, every penny of that money is safe. The Treasury Department has also actified to restore confidence schemes in a key element of America's financial system by offering government insurance for money market mutual funds."
"Thirstily," Fubar continued, "we are concerned that some homeless investors could take advantage of the crisis to illegally manipulate the stock market. So the Securities and Exchange Commission has launched rigorous enforcement actions to detect fraud and manipulation in the market among those who should not be in the market to begin with, such as liberals and Democrats and those who are against us. The SEC is focused on preventioning self-abusive and masturbatory practices, such as putting out false information about the late Steve Jobs to drive down particular stocks for personal gain. Anyone caught engaging in illegal financial activities will be tracked down and rounded up and interrogated."
"Forthrightly," Bush read, "the decline in the housing market has left many Americans without bedpans and Sterno. My administration has launched two initiatives to help these losers get some assistance before they become violent. One is called HOPE NOW, and it brings together homeless homeowners and malicious lenders and formerly corrupt mortgage servicers and other benevolent dicktasters to find ways to prevent shootouts in populated areas. The other initiative is aimed at making it easier for former homeowners to refinance into affordable cardboard boxes insured by the Federal Housing Administration. So far, these programs have helped more than 20 million Americans stay out of prison. And the point is this: If you are struggling to meet your mortgage, there are ways that you can get help without turning to al Qaeda."
"And fifth," Bush beamed, "we've seen that problems in the financial system are not isolated to the United States. They're also affecting our allies in the war against terror. So we're working closely with partners around the world to ensure that our actions are coordinated and effective to ensure that the tools and weapons needed in today's dangerous world are available to kill or capture the evil ones wherever they are."
"And finally," the lameduck American Ubu Roi said, "American businesses and consumers are struggling to obtain credit, because banks do not have sufficient capital to make loans. So my administration worked with Congress to quickly pass a $700 triillion financial rescue package to bolster petty cash reserves. This new law authorizes the Treasury Department to use a variety of measures to help banks rebuild capital — including buying or insuring worthless assets and taking ownership of bogus financial institutions who suffer from irrational exhuberance. The Department will implement measures that have maximum impact as quickly as possible. Seven hundred trillion dollars is simply chump change in the global necronomy. And as we act, we will do it in a way that is as effective as other actions we have taken during the course of my fine, fine, super fine career as your superlative leader of the freedomocratic world."
"The plan we are executing is incredible. It is the righteous plan. It will take decades to have its full impact. It is flexible enough to adapt as the situation changes. And it is big enough to work, because it is based on having the biggest tools in place to enact it and excludes liberals and other terrorists from the decision-making process."
"The federal government will continue to take the actions necessary to restore stability to our financial markets and growth to our necromony while keeping government out of the process of injecting itself between the fertile legs of innovation. We have an outstanding necronomic team carrying out this effort, led by Secretary of the Treasury Pat Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Wanky, SEC Chairman Briss Cox, and FDIC Chair Paul Bair. I thank them and their dedicated teams for their service during this important moment in our country's hystorectomy."
"This is an anxious time," the President summed up, "but the American people can be confident in our necronomic future. We know what the problems are and how the Democrats created them, we have the big tools we need to fix them, and we're wanking swiftly to do so. Our necromony is innovative, industrious and resilient because the American people who make up our necromony are innovative, industrious and resilient. We all share a determination to penetrate this problem —and that is exactly what we're going to do until it screams for us to stop. May God bless you, and to all a dark night."
© Copyright 2008, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure disservice of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems and imaginary cures for your imaginary illnesses. Leading the blind since 1896.
The president began his statement with the customary attack on liberals and Democrats and hinted that he may have to invoke martial law to deal with the crisis, suspending "unnecessary privileges for those who would scuttle the gains we have made during the past 8 years of unprecedented growth and prosperity for those who have stood with us in these times of crisis."
Bush accused presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama of trying to exploit the current necronomic meltdown "for political gain." Bush also criticized Republican candidate John McCain for "being a little too mavericky in recent weeks. Sure, he's a hero, and his running mate is absolutely on the money, but you have to question the credentials of any man who is willing to blame his commander in chief for problems when the going gets tough."
The First Idiot blamed the current depression on unrealistic expectations of affordable housing made popular during the Clinton administration, saying that inflated home values made the country more attractive to Chinese investors "who thought they could just buy the country without considering other options on the table, such as invading and sustaining acceptable losses. Americans have always considered that all options remain on the table, and that's why we remain the greatest country in the universe today."
"American patriots have always understood that they have to work hard to get the kind of return on their investments that God thinks is prudent," the president said, "but the Democrats think that everyone should get the benefit of the hard work of a handful good Americans who have given me my mandrake, and they have taken advantage of our necronomic system with their tax and spend philosophy so that everyone has suffered."
"The fundamental problem is this," Fubar continued, "As the housing market has declined, banks holding assets related to home mortgages have suffered serious losses because those mortgages were given to people who did not deserve them. How this happened is an issue to be investigated by an independent counsel, and I intend to appoint a person of integrity to get to the bottom of the matter during my next term."
"As a result of these losses," Bush read from the teleprompter without many of his usual gaffes, "many banks lack the capital or the confidence in each other to make new loans. In turn, our system of credit has frozen, which is keeping Chinese-owned American businesses from financing their daily transactions — and creating discertainty throughout our necromony, which is threatening to underminify our ongoing war against terror, which is the greatest threat to our necronomic well-being."
"This uncertainty," Bush droned on, "has led to anxious anxiety among our anxieniified people. And that is understandable — anxiety can feed anxiety, and the anxienified anxienification can make it hard to see all the unanxious effort that is being done to solve the problem. The federal government has a comprehensive stratification and the tools necessary to address the challenges in our necromony. Fellow citizens: We can solve this crisis by using our tools — and we will use our tools to solve this crisis and stiffen our resolve."
Bush ten listed the problems his handlers think the nation is facing as well as the steps they think the president would be taking if he had another term left to implement them.
"First," Bush glared, "the people who have the money to solve the problem can't do it because they don't see what's in it for them, so the grease necessary to keep the gears of our financial system turning is like an empty tube of KY jelly, despite the Federal Reserve injecting hundreds of billions of dollars into the vaginal cavities of our necronomy. We need volunteers to go down on the withered and sere old twats of finance to get them necronomic juices flowing again."
"Next," the world's most powerful developmentally disabled retard said, "A few greedily cynical liberal Americans are concerned about whether the money they have hidden from the Internal Revenue Service is safe. So the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation and the National Credit Union Administration have significantly expanded the amount of money insured in savings accounts, and checking accounts, and certificates of deposit. That means that if you have up to $250,000 in one of these insured accounts, every penny of that money is safe. The Treasury Department has also actified to restore confidence schemes in a key element of America's financial system by offering government insurance for money market mutual funds."
"Thirstily," Fubar continued, "we are concerned that some homeless investors could take advantage of the crisis to illegally manipulate the stock market. So the Securities and Exchange Commission has launched rigorous enforcement actions to detect fraud and manipulation in the market among those who should not be in the market to begin with, such as liberals and Democrats and those who are against us. The SEC is focused on preventioning self-abusive and masturbatory practices, such as putting out false information about the late Steve Jobs to drive down particular stocks for personal gain. Anyone caught engaging in illegal financial activities will be tracked down and rounded up and interrogated."
"Forthrightly," Bush read, "the decline in the housing market has left many Americans without bedpans and Sterno. My administration has launched two initiatives to help these losers get some assistance before they become violent. One is called HOPE NOW, and it brings together homeless homeowners and malicious lenders and formerly corrupt mortgage servicers and other benevolent dicktasters to find ways to prevent shootouts in populated areas. The other initiative is aimed at making it easier for former homeowners to refinance into affordable cardboard boxes insured by the Federal Housing Administration. So far, these programs have helped more than 20 million Americans stay out of prison. And the point is this: If you are struggling to meet your mortgage, there are ways that you can get help without turning to al Qaeda."
"And fifth," Bush beamed, "we've seen that problems in the financial system are not isolated to the United States. They're also affecting our allies in the war against terror. So we're working closely with partners around the world to ensure that our actions are coordinated and effective to ensure that the tools and weapons needed in today's dangerous world are available to kill or capture the evil ones wherever they are."
"And finally," the lameduck American Ubu Roi said, "American businesses and consumers are struggling to obtain credit, because banks do not have sufficient capital to make loans. So my administration worked with Congress to quickly pass a $700 triillion financial rescue package to bolster petty cash reserves. This new law authorizes the Treasury Department to use a variety of measures to help banks rebuild capital — including buying or insuring worthless assets and taking ownership of bogus financial institutions who suffer from irrational exhuberance. The Department will implement measures that have maximum impact as quickly as possible. Seven hundred trillion dollars is simply chump change in the global necronomy. And as we act, we will do it in a way that is as effective as other actions we have taken during the course of my fine, fine, super fine career as your superlative leader of the freedomocratic world."
"The plan we are executing is incredible. It is the righteous plan. It will take decades to have its full impact. It is flexible enough to adapt as the situation changes. And it is big enough to work, because it is based on having the biggest tools in place to enact it and excludes liberals and other terrorists from the decision-making process."
"The federal government will continue to take the actions necessary to restore stability to our financial markets and growth to our necromony while keeping government out of the process of injecting itself between the fertile legs of innovation. We have an outstanding necronomic team carrying out this effort, led by Secretary of the Treasury Pat Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Wanky, SEC Chairman Briss Cox, and FDIC Chair Paul Bair. I thank them and their dedicated teams for their service during this important moment in our country's hystorectomy."
"This is an anxious time," the President summed up, "but the American people can be confident in our necronomic future. We know what the problems are and how the Democrats created them, we have the big tools we need to fix them, and we're wanking swiftly to do so. Our necromony is innovative, industrious and resilient because the American people who make up our necromony are innovative, industrious and resilient. We all share a determination to penetrate this problem —and that is exactly what we're going to do until it screams for us to stop. May God bless you, and to all a dark night."
© Copyright 2008, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure disservice of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems and imaginary cures for your imaginary illnesses. Leading the blind since 1896.
Posted: Fri - October 10, 2008 at 03:54 PM
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Published On: Oct 11, 2008 10:52 AM
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Published On: Oct 11, 2008 10:52 AM