Penguins, anarchist textbook, ricin, beans found in hotel room
Condomsqueezer
Tights
Juno Desk
Imaginary Pete Seeger Idiotic Dixit
0502292007FUYUAFWFZT21525302PMS
Juno Desk
Imaginary Pete Seeger Idiotic Dixit
0502292007FUYUAFWFZT21525302PMS
VIVISECTION LAS VEGAS (IPSIDIXIT)
— Fart recordings dating from the late
1950s, a carton of fake Three Stooges collectibles manufactured in Pittsburgh
(China), three bound and gagged nuns who had been repeatedly subjected to highly
invasive poodle-based evolutionary theory, and a signed copy of
The One Minute
President were found in a gang-related
housekeeping closet in a low-rise hotel slated for demolition less than 3000
miles from the motel where two or three vials of a deadly toxin were found
several months ago, according to anonymous sources hoping to claim hundreds of
thousand of dollars in rewards from the office of Vaterland
Sekurity.
These latest revelations were not disclosed (according to a source who only indirectly insinuated that she once had sex with someone who allegedly had sex with White House press secretary Dana "Skilly Boner" Perino) to prevent the impeachment of President Fubar W. Bush for not realizing that gas will soon cost more than four dollars a gallon. "What does the price of gas have to do with anything?" our source asked, rhetorically, "Oh yeah. I get it."
As the nation of miserable fucks struggles to decide which immoral piece of shit is most electable and likely to continue the lunacy of the past 50 years of NOMF™ domestic and foreign policy, according to an allegedly unimpeachable source, "the liberal media has grown increasingly irrational in its argument that Americans have a right to know whatever the fuck it is they have a right to know. And the fact is, motherfuckers, if you need to ask, you more than likely need to know. Trust me. Anyone heard of Gitmo? What about black ops?"
"The government and the media are irrelevant," our source continued. "Americans are ignorant assholes, by and large, and even the least brain-damaged among them are willing to have their children, friends, and relatives line up for showers and trust the advertising and public service annoucements, if that's what it takes to keep this country free from doubt and accountability."
Skeptics of the latest "terror" crisis wonder why an eviction notice involving a Charles Bukowski impersonator has been elevated to an international story following another dismal Bush performance in a press conference when the actual poisoning incident took place more than two months ago.
"Timing is irrelevant," according to a spokeswoman for an anonymous source indirectly related to a friend of a friend of someone who once saw someone who claimed to have known someone who might have known someone who knew something about whatever this story is supposed to be about, "in the grand scheme of things. In the grand scheme of things, only the grand scheme is important."
When asked about the bound nuns and the satirical material allegedly found in the irrelevant location, the source refused comment, noting that "not everything is what it seems. Let be be finale of seem. Even Starbucks knows when to regroup."
Las Vegas police admit that they are confused about media attention in this case. "I ain't seen no link to no terrorism here, and this was just mole and gopher killing shit best I can tell, which was still in the original container, and you could likely get more exposure in your typical lawn and garden shop anywhere in this ofay country than we found in this motel room. I keep expecting some Candid Camera dudes to come in and tell us we been punked."
A pinprick of ricin is enough to kill the average NOMF citizen. Of course, a pinprick of hydraulic oil from a burst hose on a construction site is equally lethal. Thousands of children die every year from exposure to ordinary household products stored under the sink by their voting parents. Reading this story will likely kill .069 percent of its readers., according to research denied by the Pugh Charitable Trust. "Life is not permanent and death is not guaranteed," someone once muttered while we were hovering about.
According to Injustice Department Spokeswrestler Tonya Harding, "If you get banged in the knee with a baton coated with ricin, in six to eight hours, you're going to start showing symptoms, like getting the shits and feeling kind of queasy. You might have a slight fever, and maybe some sneezing or itching. A slight cough and tightness in the chest may also happen. Some people experience random pain in their joints or behind their eyes. If you have any of these symptoms, you may have been exposed to toxic levels of ricin and will probably die within two to three days. So we recommend that everyone in the country make preparations to deal with this crisis. Having a prepaid burial plot is always a good idea."
© Copyright 2008, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure disservice of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems and imaginary cures for your imaginary illnesses. Hidden in imaginary caves in the Pacific Northwest mountains of the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™), we've used mimes to lead the blind since 1896.
These latest revelations were not disclosed (according to a source who only indirectly insinuated that she once had sex with someone who allegedly had sex with White House press secretary Dana "Skilly Boner" Perino) to prevent the impeachment of President Fubar W. Bush for not realizing that gas will soon cost more than four dollars a gallon. "What does the price of gas have to do with anything?" our source asked, rhetorically, "Oh yeah. I get it."
As the nation of miserable fucks struggles to decide which immoral piece of shit is most electable and likely to continue the lunacy of the past 50 years of NOMF™ domestic and foreign policy, according to an allegedly unimpeachable source, "the liberal media has grown increasingly irrational in its argument that Americans have a right to know whatever the fuck it is they have a right to know. And the fact is, motherfuckers, if you need to ask, you more than likely need to know. Trust me. Anyone heard of Gitmo? What about black ops?"
"The government and the media are irrelevant," our source continued. "Americans are ignorant assholes, by and large, and even the least brain-damaged among them are willing to have their children, friends, and relatives line up for showers and trust the advertising and public service annoucements, if that's what it takes to keep this country free from doubt and accountability."
Skeptics of the latest "terror" crisis wonder why an eviction notice involving a Charles Bukowski impersonator has been elevated to an international story following another dismal Bush performance in a press conference when the actual poisoning incident took place more than two months ago.
"Timing is irrelevant," according to a spokeswoman for an anonymous source indirectly related to a friend of a friend of someone who once saw someone who claimed to have known someone who might have known someone who knew something about whatever this story is supposed to be about, "in the grand scheme of things. In the grand scheme of things, only the grand scheme is important."
When asked about the bound nuns and the satirical material allegedly found in the irrelevant location, the source refused comment, noting that "not everything is what it seems. Let be be finale of seem. Even Starbucks knows when to regroup."
Las Vegas police admit that they are confused about media attention in this case. "I ain't seen no link to no terrorism here, and this was just mole and gopher killing shit best I can tell, which was still in the original container, and you could likely get more exposure in your typical lawn and garden shop anywhere in this ofay country than we found in this motel room. I keep expecting some Candid Camera dudes to come in and tell us we been punked."
A pinprick of ricin is enough to kill the average NOMF citizen. Of course, a pinprick of hydraulic oil from a burst hose on a construction site is equally lethal. Thousands of children die every year from exposure to ordinary household products stored under the sink by their voting parents. Reading this story will likely kill .069 percent of its readers., according to research denied by the Pugh Charitable Trust. "Life is not permanent and death is not guaranteed," someone once muttered while we were hovering about.
According to Injustice Department Spokeswrestler Tonya Harding, "If you get banged in the knee with a baton coated with ricin, in six to eight hours, you're going to start showing symptoms, like getting the shits and feeling kind of queasy. You might have a slight fever, and maybe some sneezing or itching. A slight cough and tightness in the chest may also happen. Some people experience random pain in their joints or behind their eyes. If you have any of these symptoms, you may have been exposed to toxic levels of ricin and will probably die within two to three days. So we recommend that everyone in the country make preparations to deal with this crisis. Having a prepaid burial plot is always a good idea."
© Copyright 2008, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure disservice of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems and imaginary cures for your imaginary illnesses. Hidden in imaginary caves in the Pacific Northwest mountains of the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™), we've used mimes to lead the blind since 1896.
Posted: Fri - February 29, 2008 at 11:10 PM
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Published On: May 05, 2008 10:14 AM
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Published On: May 05, 2008 10:14 AM