RLS BUMPS TFD FROM CIDCAP 100MPA
Dr. Kenneth
Lyttel-Douglas
Imaginary Disease Desk
Pataphysical Health And Entertainment News Service
0711182007AWSHUX14251302PMS
Imaginary Disease Desk
Pataphysical Health And Entertainment News Service
0711182007AWSHUX14251302PMS
EUREKA SPRINGS ETERNAL, Arkansas (PHAENS) —
According to an article published today in
The Phynancial Journal of Imaginary
Diseases, the obsession with making excuses for
the failure to perform in an economy based on fast food and ephemeral services
can be traced to comments made by noted American traitor, Ezra Pound, who, when
asked in 1972 if there was anything he particularly admired or despised about
contemporaneous American culture, replied:
Disorders! Disorders! I can't be blamed
for all these damned disorders!
The authors of You say Somatization; I say Horse Exhaust, doctors Suann Golightly and Herman Stubbs of the Centers for Imaginary Disease Control and Prevention, argue that "the most prevalent illnesses afflicting American citizens today are those invented by the pharmaceutical industry and marketed like other worthless consumer products in the NOMF™. We have come a long and painful way since satirical researchers in New York and Cambridge, Massachusetts first identified TFS, or Terminal Flatulence Syndrome, which still plagues some of our young people today."
Golightly and Stubbs present their findings with fabulous black hairy tongues thrust firmly against their buccal dermatillomanical maxillary areas as they rank the top one hundred syndromes and disorders in the NOMF, based on random interviews conducted with ordinary citizens at work, play, and on their way to shop.
Here is a partial list of imaginary illnesses for which there is no medical cure and which Golightly and Stubbs suggest "patients should by all means avoid thinking themselves into and if they have already committed that idiocy should resolve to think themselves back out of."
Terminal Flatulence Disorder (TFD)
"The gold standard of imaginary illnesses against which all subsequent syndromes and disorders have come to be measured. Like Terminal Dumb Ass (TDA), TFD has no known cure except termination and no telethon. Sadly, TFD has been knocked from the ranks of the 100 Most Popular Afflictions this year with the recent surge in self-diagnoses of Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS)."
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
"This pathetic excuse for lethargy and profound lack of inner resources dropped thirty spots to 46 this year, giving us a glimmer of false hope that some Americans have decided to do something with their meaningless lives, but we wouldn't bet on it. Isn't that SAD?"
Gay Retrovirus Immune Deficiency Syndrome (GRIDS)
"We had to include this one although it is not on the list to remind the medical community and its imaginary patients what kind of harm can be done when an actual illness is treated like a political marketing campaign. The religious right and their Republican stooges in state and local government would like us to forget how they dragged their feet in researching the causes and prevention of AIDS and HIV by suggesting that the underlying cause of these illnesses was God's wrath against homosexual behavior, and the rest of us could engage in casual sex without repercussions. Wrong!"
Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
"Sometimes called Crotchedy Asshole Disorder, this condition used to be called The Shits or The Hershey Squirts. It is now one of the real growth opportunities for health food and pharmaceutical companies looking to cash in on recurring glitches in the human digestive process. Jumped from 38 to 16 on 100MPA for 2007. Bravo! Bravo!"
Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS)
"Came out of nowhere to enter at position five on the list this year, RLS is expected to help cure an over-abundance of Parkinson's Disease medication as the result of illegal stem cell research. Coming soon to a bed in your house, if you're not careful."
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)
"Slipped to number 86 this year as more sufferers have been spontaneously cured by new entertainment consoles and more disposable income."
Bromadrosis
"Also called Stinkfoot in people with feet, it is purely imaginary in quadraplegics, although recent studies find nearly 60% of amputees are being treated with brand name drugs to control the symptoms."
© Copyright 2007, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Expectorate on high-falutes. Leading the blind since 1896.
The authors of You say Somatization; I say Horse Exhaust, doctors Suann Golightly and Herman Stubbs of the Centers for Imaginary Disease Control and Prevention, argue that "the most prevalent illnesses afflicting American citizens today are those invented by the pharmaceutical industry and marketed like other worthless consumer products in the NOMF™. We have come a long and painful way since satirical researchers in New York and Cambridge, Massachusetts first identified TFS, or Terminal Flatulence Syndrome, which still plagues some of our young people today."
Golightly and Stubbs present their findings with fabulous black hairy tongues thrust firmly against their buccal dermatillomanical maxillary areas as they rank the top one hundred syndromes and disorders in the NOMF, based on random interviews conducted with ordinary citizens at work, play, and on their way to shop.
Here is a partial list of imaginary illnesses for which there is no medical cure and which Golightly and Stubbs suggest "patients should by all means avoid thinking themselves into and if they have already committed that idiocy should resolve to think themselves back out of."
Terminal Flatulence Disorder (TFD)
"The gold standard of imaginary illnesses against which all subsequent syndromes and disorders have come to be measured. Like Terminal Dumb Ass (TDA), TFD has no known cure except termination and no telethon. Sadly, TFD has been knocked from the ranks of the 100 Most Popular Afflictions this year with the recent surge in self-diagnoses of Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS)."
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
"This pathetic excuse for lethargy and profound lack of inner resources dropped thirty spots to 46 this year, giving us a glimmer of false hope that some Americans have decided to do something with their meaningless lives, but we wouldn't bet on it. Isn't that SAD?"
Gay Retrovirus Immune Deficiency Syndrome (GRIDS)
"We had to include this one although it is not on the list to remind the medical community and its imaginary patients what kind of harm can be done when an actual illness is treated like a political marketing campaign. The religious right and their Republican stooges in state and local government would like us to forget how they dragged their feet in researching the causes and prevention of AIDS and HIV by suggesting that the underlying cause of these illnesses was God's wrath against homosexual behavior, and the rest of us could engage in casual sex without repercussions. Wrong!"
Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
"Sometimes called Crotchedy Asshole Disorder, this condition used to be called The Shits or The Hershey Squirts. It is now one of the real growth opportunities for health food and pharmaceutical companies looking to cash in on recurring glitches in the human digestive process. Jumped from 38 to 16 on 100MPA for 2007. Bravo! Bravo!"
Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS)
"Came out of nowhere to enter at position five on the list this year, RLS is expected to help cure an over-abundance of Parkinson's Disease medication as the result of illegal stem cell research. Coming soon to a bed in your house, if you're not careful."
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)
"Slipped to number 86 this year as more sufferers have been spontaneously cured by new entertainment consoles and more disposable income."
Bromadrosis
"Also called Stinkfoot in people with feet, it is purely imaginary in quadraplegics, although recent studies find nearly 60% of amputees are being treated with brand name drugs to control the symptoms."
© Copyright 2007, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Expectorate on high-falutes. Leading the blind since 1896.
Posted: Sun - November 18, 2007 at 08:43 PM
Mark it:
Quick Links
Archives
Reddit Sucks Google Spew
Let's Roll!
XML/RSS Feed
Calendar
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
Categories
Statistics
Total entries in this blog:
Total entries in this category:
Published On: May 05, 2008 10:14 AM
Total entries in this category:
Published On: May 05, 2008 10:14 AM