LITTLE LEAGUE GOES AFTER EL MONTE
by UNCOMMON SENSE
Merritt Clefthead, Baseball Editor
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
August 28, 2001 09:43:04PM
Merritt Clefthead, Baseball Editor
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
August 28, 2001 09:43:04PM
BROOKLYN (YU) – New Yorkers love sex,
scandals, and Rheingold beer to go with their baseball, so it was no surprise
that when Bronx Little Leaguers received the keys to the city in front of the Ed
Bouchet memorial restroom at Shea Stadium Tuesday for their sportsmanship,
District Attorney Marvin Throneberry served the coach and chief sponsors with
subpoenas in connection with an investigation into whether their star pitcher
had undergone sex change therapy and age regression.
While Bernard Goetz and Robert DeNiro looked on, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani handed out beer and the keys to pitcher Kenny El Monte and 14 other members of the Orlando Jones Crusher team, which finished third in the Little League World Series on Sunday.
The team says El Monte is 12 and has a Web site to prove it. Born on April 7, 1989, Kenny's mother was a groupie who traveled with Frank Zappa's Mothers of Invention in the early seventies. He was born where his mother was conceived, at El Monte Legion Stadium.
However, an aide to famed Nazi hound dog Ellie Weasel reportedly provided Little League officials with an affidavit Monday that indicated Kenny El Monte was actually born Carmen Miranda in Moca Colon, a laxative smuggling center in the Dominican Republic, on April 7, 1889, league spokesman and poet laureate Lance Anger said.
Little League rules prohibit any player born before Aug. 1, 1988, from competing this year.
The age controversy was not addressed at the restroom ceremony where drunken children and their parents sprayed each other with holy suds, but Little League Inc. president Peter Neener-Keener said afterward that the document provided by Mrs. Weasel had not been verified.
“If the second birth record happens to be the accurate one, then we've been deceived and I'm mad as hell about it,” he said. “What we need to do is determine which one of these documents is correct, if we can. Then I want get down to business and find out what's between that kid's legs.”
As part of the investigation, Anger said the organization might have to send someone to talk to Frank Zappa, who died in 1993, a few weeks short of his 53rd birthday. In recent weeks, Zappa has been asked to testify at a number of hearings on Capitol Hill.
Giuliani, who attended the affair trying to identify potential prostate donors, was asked later about the El Monte issue and said: “I think the youngsters should be given the benefit of the doubt. I mean does that kid look 113 years old to you? And if he's a girl where's the tits, for Christ's sake?”
El Monte threw the first perfect game in the Little League World Series since Preacher Roe beat the Cleveland Indians in 1942, in a game that was forfeited when it was learned Roe had doctored the ball with phlegm borrowed from Sal Maglie.
The “Baby Boobers,” as New Yorkers came to call their ragtag bunch of hermaphrodites were within one game of the championship, losing to Castro's Cubans, in a game in which Sammy Sosa homered twice. They won the consolation game against The Jonestown Survivors, Netherlands Antilles.
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes.
Leading the blind since 1896.
While Bernard Goetz and Robert DeNiro looked on, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani handed out beer and the keys to pitcher Kenny El Monte and 14 other members of the Orlando Jones Crusher team, which finished third in the Little League World Series on Sunday.
The team says El Monte is 12 and has a Web site to prove it. Born on April 7, 1989, Kenny's mother was a groupie who traveled with Frank Zappa's Mothers of Invention in the early seventies. He was born where his mother was conceived, at El Monte Legion Stadium.
However, an aide to famed Nazi hound dog Ellie Weasel reportedly provided Little League officials with an affidavit Monday that indicated Kenny El Monte was actually born Carmen Miranda in Moca Colon, a laxative smuggling center in the Dominican Republic, on April 7, 1889, league spokesman and poet laureate Lance Anger said.
Little League rules prohibit any player born before Aug. 1, 1988, from competing this year.
The age controversy was not addressed at the restroom ceremony where drunken children and their parents sprayed each other with holy suds, but Little League Inc. president Peter Neener-Keener said afterward that the document provided by Mrs. Weasel had not been verified.
“If the second birth record happens to be the accurate one, then we've been deceived and I'm mad as hell about it,” he said. “What we need to do is determine which one of these documents is correct, if we can. Then I want get down to business and find out what's between that kid's legs.”
As part of the investigation, Anger said the organization might have to send someone to talk to Frank Zappa, who died in 1993, a few weeks short of his 53rd birthday. In recent weeks, Zappa has been asked to testify at a number of hearings on Capitol Hill.
Giuliani, who attended the affair trying to identify potential prostate donors, was asked later about the El Monte issue and said: “I think the youngsters should be given the benefit of the doubt. I mean does that kid look 113 years old to you? And if he's a girl where's the tits, for Christ's sake?”
El Monte threw the first perfect game in the Little League World Series since Preacher Roe beat the Cleveland Indians in 1942, in a game that was forfeited when it was learned Roe had doctored the ball with phlegm borrowed from Sal Maglie.
The “Baby Boobers,” as New Yorkers came to call their ragtag bunch of hermaphrodites were within one game of the championship, losing to Castro's Cubans, in a game in which Sammy Sosa homered twice. They won the consolation game against The Jonestown Survivors, Netherlands Antilles.
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes.
Leading the blind since 1896.
Posted: Tue - August 28, 2001 at 08:47 PM
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