Fitful gnus

This category collects mcuh of the original reporting that appeared on Uncommon Sense from the earliest AOL implementation through the iBlog days to its abandonment in late 2008 when I won the lottery and start investing in foreign insurgencies.

Uncommon Sense had more than 50 categories, most of which were beyond the ken of audience comprehension, many of which I am only rarely able to decipher, and this although I did not use any of the Inside Joke material or Letters to Small Press Editors or the various confessions to the downing of KAL007 and other transportational actions when I was the Tylenol Kid, the Jonestown party tapes, the Yossarian Universal News Service outtakes, and all that those Euripides and Eumenides dry cleaning jokes.

I'll concentrate here primarily on the 5 or 6 hundred alternative news, opinion, and disinformation pieces produced back then that are closer to true journalism than anything you read in the mainstream or professional liberal media during the time. Most of it is as true today as it was when I originally deciphered the messages hidden in the radio waves and the white space around the lingerie and food ads buried deep in the daily news. 

In fact, much of this stuff probably describes shit that is about to happen in a neighborhood near you or be forced down your ignorant throat by a very important person who only has your best interests at heart. 

Me, on the other hand, I don't give a fat rat's booty about you or anyone else on this miserable planet. I'm just waiting on my ride home.

Bhutto promises to exchange location of bin Laden for Elizabeth Smart bombing

Mahmoud "Mickey" al Zawhiri

Anonymous Terrorist Homeland Security Informant Desk

Pataphysical Information News Service

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BETELGUESE, Andromeda Galaxy (PINS) — NASA researchers on Monday confirmed reports that an avatar claiming to be former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir…

Asscough Threatens to Execute Judges

Benecio Guerrilla

Enemy Combatant Desk

Pataphysical Misinformation Network

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SCHEVENINGENLEID, Hinterlands (PMN) — U.S. Attorney General of the Living Dead Johann Asscough suggested Thursday that there will likely be more “targeted removals” of activist judges…

White House condemns democratic Helen-witch-hunt mentality

 Monica Helsinki

Interninable Journalist 

Pataphysical Outpatient Media Syndicate

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WASHINGTON (POMS) — The White House told several dozen Democrats from the House of Representatives on Monday to fuck themselves, adding “We don’t negotiate with whiny-ass liberal technocrats!”…

Cassini spacecraft moons Saturn

Shepherd Alan Sherman

Jet Propulsion Editor

Pataphysical Metempsychotic Syndicate

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HOUSTON (PMS) — The Cassini-Herrod international rectal probe sailed past the largest moon of Saturn on its way to Uranus where it is expected to subject lifeforms there to the same intrusive…

Bush begins collecting contributions to pay national debt to McRumsfeld

Robert McNamara

Dead Man's Desk

Pataphysical Monopoly System

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WASHINGTON (PMS) — While some observers were stunned on Monday when President Fubar W. Ubu praised the leadership and courage of Defense Secretary Ronald C. McRumsfeld in light of one of the most embarrassing human rights…

Justice Department says it can't share lobbying data because world will end

Ted Bundini

Technical Support Specialist

Pataphysical Metanews Service

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WASHINGTON (PMS) — After several weeks of wrangling to arrive at the least unbelievable reason to deny a request for access to the Justice Department database on foreign lobbyists, the Fubar Ubu…

GOP annoints Bush as fearless leader 

William S. Snidely

Associate Management Analyst

Pataphysical Mystery Service

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NEW YORK (PMS) — In a national convention designed to avoid widespread rioting when elections are cancelled this November, Republicans donned uniforms, drank stout beer, and fired weapons into…

Bush calls for national faith-based day of wishing to steer Hurricane Reba to Osama bin Laden

Parrish Maxfield

Meteorology Desk

Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

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WASHINGTON (PMS) — President Bush this morning praised New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin "for putting aside partisanipial politics to do what's white" by abandoning attempts to have residents retake this city…

Bush scouts Canada to target terrorist safe houses  

Beulah Omar

Ocular Prosthetics Writer

Pataphysical Misinformation Service

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OTTAWA (PMS) — President Bush sought Tuesday to identify potential terrorist camps north of the NOMF™ border, flying here with a fighter escort for tough negotiations aimed at getting Canada to…

Footlocker clerk charged with aiding and abetting in shoe bomber attack

Jersey Buster Brown

Podiatry Terrorism Desk

Pataphysical Metempsychotic Syndicate

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WASHINGTON (PMS) — Attorney General of the Living Dead Big Bad Johann Asscough today announced the apprehension and detention of Salma Tancred Badats for aiding and abetting  alleged…

Jessica Lynch no longer in running as  Sandra Dee O'Connor replacement

James Darren McGavin

Imaginary Prevarication Desk

Pataphysical Metabolic Syndicate

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WASHINGTON (PMS) — Despite President Bush's plunging approval rating, there are no plans to nominate Jessica Lynch to replace retiring Supreme Court justice Sandra Dee O'Connor according…

Al Qaeda suspected in tiger attack

Martin Stewart

Polite Inquiry Desk

Pataphysical Metempsychotic News Service

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SAN FRANCISCO (PMNS) — Homeland Security investigators refused to confirm today that they have set up a special office here to combat recent shocking killings and maimings that "appear to have all…

McRumsfeld resignation omits Baghdad and Iraq

Deadbeat Baghaddy

Yo Mamma Desk

Imaginary Poopadoodle Horseshit Dispensary

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HOT SPRINGS, ETERNAL (FUSOS) — Come on, people. Do I really have to write another imaginary news report about the assholes you elected or appointed to run your pissant piece of shit system for you?


I…

Girl who had ball snatched by man disappears

Abigail Doubleday

Favorite Pastimes Editor

Pataphysical Metapythonic Syndrome

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ARLINGTON, Texas (PMS) — A 4-year-old girl who was showered with gifts after a grown man wrestled a foul ball from her is in military custody this morning after a Homeland Security…

Dow surges back against terror attack

Arthur Godfrey Laffer

Financial Estate Planning Editor

Imaginary Disinformation News and Entertainment Network

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BRICK WALL STREET (IDNAEN) — The markets fought back Monday against al Qaeda day-traders who last week dealt several leading indicators their worst weekly…

State Department reaffirms commitment to culture of life

Attilio D. Hunznegger

Department of Macroprevarication

Pataphysical Imaginary News Syndicate

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CRAWLFORWARD (PINS) – A groundskeeper at the Bush western White House issued a statement on behalf of the State Department this morning denying reports that Colleen Graffy and U.S.…

White House calls Peace Prize for Gore "unfairly unpartisanipple"

Chaim P. Howard

Environmentology Desk

Pataphysical Media Syndicate

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WARTHOGINTON (PMS) — White House under-assistant press secretary for tidal affairs, Vladimir Stassi O'Shea today called the Nobel prize awarded to former vice president Al Gore "another meaningless political…

Asscough volunteers in brain case

Neal O. Anderson

Alternative Reality Desk

Persimmons Mastication Syndicate

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ST. LOUIS (PMS) — To the delight of many fans attending his dedication of a new Orange Julius stand at The Mall of a More Secure America, former attorney general Johann Asscough announced that he…

Bin Laden escapes again

Frederick Douglas Olds

Mobile Communications Editor

Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic Daily Chronicle

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 LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (PMS) —  In the most bizarre episode in the war on terror since the firebombing of the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, federal agents swarmed the dedication…

Drunken elephants bang Hilton

Billy Katzinsakiswinkle

Essential Existential Editor

Fabulous Information Bureau

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NORTHHAMPTON (FIB) — Paris Hilton is tired of hearing about her party girl days as an amateur porn hole, and in recent weeks she has demonstrated her resolve to ensure her legacy upon the…

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