Ivydene Horticultural Services logo with I design, construct and maintain private gardens. I also advise and teach you in your own garden. 01634 389677

Ivydene
Horticultural
Services

As an Organic Gardener, I design, construct and maintain private gardens. I can also advise and teach you in your own garden.

01634 389 677
chris@ivydenegardens.co.uk
 

Ivydene Gardens Glossary: C
 

Cactus A member of the family Cactaceae, characterised by fleshy, water-storing tissue in the stems and areoles (specialised groups of cells) from which spines, flowers, and shoots develop.

Calcicole Lime-loving; a plant that thrives in alkaline soil.

Calcifuge Lime-hating; a plant that will not grow in alkaline soil.

Callous Protective tissue formed by plants over a wounded surface, particularly in woody plants but also at the base of cuttings.

Calyx (pl. calyces) The collective name for the sepals, the outer whorl of, usually green, segments that enclose the flower in bud.

Cambium A layer of meristematic tissue capable of producing new cells to increase the girth of stems and roots.

Capillary matting Matting made of synthetic fibre that is used to draw water upwards by capillary action to irrigate pot plants on capillary beds or benches.

Capping A crust that forms on the surface of soil damaged by compaction, heavy rain, or watering.

Capsule A dry seed case that dehisces (splits open) when ripe to release its seeds.

Carpel The female part of the flower of flowering plants that contains the ovules: several carpels in a flower are collectively known as the pistil.

Carpet bedding The use of groups of closely planted, low-growing, colourful bedding plants in various patterns or designs.

Catkin A racemose (see Raceme) flower spike, or a spike-like inflorescence, with conspicuous bracts and small often unisexual flowers lacking petals.

Central leader The central, usually upright, stem of a tree.

Certified stock Plant, certified by the UK government as free from certain pests and diseases.

Chilling requirement The requirement of plants for a specific period of dormancy below a particular temperature in order for them to initiate flowering.

Chinese layering An alternative name for air layering.

Chlorophyll The green plant pigment that is mainly responsible for light absorption and hence photosynthesis in plants.

Clamp A method for storing root crops outdoors. The crops are heaped up and protected against frost by layers of straw and soil; a “chimney” hole filled with straw provides ventilation.

Climber A plant that climbs using other plants or objects as support:

Cloche A small usually portable, structure made of clear plastic or glass, normally in a metal framework: used to protect early crops on open ground and to warm the soil before planting.

Clone 1) a group of genetically identical plants produced by vegetative propagation or asexual reproduction; 2) an individual plant in such a group.

Cold frame A glazed, box-like, unheated structure, made from brick, wood or glass, with a hinged or removal glass or clear plastic light, used to protect plants from excessive cold.

Collar 1) the part of a plant where the roots meet the stem; also known as the “neck”; 2) the part of a tree where a main branch meets the trunk (or a side branch meets a main branch).

Companion planting Positioning plants together that are reputed to have a beneficial effect on neighbouring plants by discouraging pests and diseases or improving growth.

Compositae The daisy family.

Compost 1) A potting medium comprising a mixture of loam, sand, peat, leaf mould, or other ingredients. 2) an organic material, rich in humus, formed by decomposed plant remains, and other organic matter, used as a soil improver or mulch.

Compound Divided into two or more subsidiary parts, for example a leaf divided into two or more leaflets.

Cone The densely clustered bracts and flowers of conifers and some flowering plants, often developing into a woody, seed-bearing structure as in the familiar pine cone

Conifer Gymnosperms, usually evergreen trees and shrubs that are distinguished from flowering plants (angiosperms) by the naked ovules that are not enclosed in an ovary but are often borne in cones.

Conservatory Another name for a greenhouse, but typically attached to a house. Conservatories today tend to be used as an indoor garden extension to the house, where the sun can be enjoyed all year round.

Contact action The action of pesticide or weedkiller that kills or damages the pest or weed by direct contact.

Coppicing The annual pruning back of trees or shrubs close to ground level to produce vigorous, usually decorative, shoots.

Cordon A trained plant (usually a fruit tree) generally restricted to one main stem by rigorous pruning. A single cordon has one main stem, a double, or “U”, cordon has two, and a multiple cordon, has three or more stems.

Corm A bulb-like, underground, swollen stem or base, often surrounded by a papery tunic. A corm is replaced annually by a new corm that develops from a terminal, or lateral, bud.

Cormel A small corm developing around a mature corm, usually outside the main corm tunic, as in Gladiolus.

Cormlet A small corm arising at the base (and usually within the old tunic) of a mature one.

Corolla The interior whorl of the perianth of the flower, comprising several free or fused petals.

Cotyledon A seed leaf; the first leaf or leaves to emerge from the seed after germination, often markedly different from mature leaves. Flowering plants (angiosperms) are classified into monocotyledons (one) and dicotyledons (two) depending on how many cotyledons are contained in the mature seed. In gymnosperms (conifers) they are often produced in whorls.

Crest A ridged outgrowth, often on perianth segments, as in orchids and some irises.

Cristate An exaggerated crest, commonly seen in fern fronds and the inflorescences of Celosia or the stems of cacti.

Crocks Broken pieces of clay pot. used to cover the drainage holes of pots in order to provide free drainage and air circulation to the root system and to prevent the growing medium from escaping from or blocking the drainage holes.

Crop rotation A system in which vegetable crops are grown on different sections of a plot on a three- or four-year cycle to minimise the build-up of soil-borne pests and diseases in one section.

Cross-fertilisation The fertilisation of the ovules of a flower as a result of cross-pollination.

Cross-pollination The transfer of pollen from the anther of a flower on one plant to the stigma of a flower on another plant: the term is often loosely applied to cross-fertilisation.

Crown 1) The basal part at soil level of a herbaceous plant where roots and stems join and from where new shoots are produced; 2) The upper, branched part of a tree above the bole.

Culm The usually hollow stem of a grass or bamboo.

Cultivar A contraction of “cultivated variety” (abbreviated to “cv”); a group (or one among such a group) of cultivated plants clearly distinguished by one or more characteristics and which retains these characteristics when propagated either asexually or sexually.

Cupped Usually of leaves or flowers, shaped like a cup.

Cutting A portion of a plant (a leaf, shoot, root, or bud) that is cut off to be used for propagation.

Cyme A usually flat-topped, determinate inflorescence in which the central or terminal flower opens first.

grass-seeding_picture

Complaints

 

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public:-

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system  works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.

I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.

This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to  the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

 ???????

> -----------------

Mr ??????,

 I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.


As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?

Community Beat Officer

> ----------------------

Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my  original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?

In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ........ If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

 

Regards

        ?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

 

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DISCLAIMER: Links to external sites are provided as a courtesy to visitors. Ivydene Horticultural Services are not responsible for the content and/or quality of external web sites linked from this site.  

Cancel credit cards prior to death

Only in Ireland !!!!

 

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

 

A lady died this past January, and her Credit Card Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

 

A family member placed a call to the Credit Card Bank:

Family Member:

'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member:

'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

 

Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

 

Family Member:

'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Excuse me?'

 

Family Member:

'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:

'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member:

'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 

Credit Card Bank:

(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 

Family Member:

'No, I'm her great nephew.'

(Lawyer info given)

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

 

Family Member:

'Sure.'

( fax number is given )

 

After they get the fax:

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

 

Family Member:

'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her.

I don't think she will care.'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

 

Family Member:

'Would you like her new billing address?'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'That might help.'

 

Family Member:

'Glasnevin Cemetery, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number 1049.'

 

Credit Card Bank:

'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

 

Family Member:

'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'