Trapped In A Hell Of My Own Making

Recently posted to the OldTools list:

From:Tom Price
To: OldTools
 
Esteemed Galoots:
 
Spent the last few weeks re-painting the family room and laying down one 
of those laminate floors. Looked like a lead-pipe cinch to me, maybe a 
couple of evenings of part-time work. I even chose a so-called 
'click-lock' product so as to avoid gluing. Oh yeah, I'm quite the crafty 
one, I am. So three and a half weeks later I'm pretty much done, just got 
a few more thresholds to install and some more moulding. No problems 
except I have some tendonitis from ENDLESSLY BANGING ON THE DAMN STUFF 
WITH A 24 OZ DEADBLOW MALLET and a nervous tic in my forehead (anyone 
know how to make those go away - botox? deadblow mallet? For Heaven's 
sake, a little help here..). Anyways when they show you the nice young 
lady in denim jeans daintily banging on the stuff and getting an entire 
room done in one evening THEY ARE LYING OUT THEIR BUTTS. (...SWMBO 
tentatively touches my shoulder..WHAT?..WHAT? Can't you see I'M WORKING 
HERE?!!..) Oh, yeah, they suck you in, boil you a degree at a time until 
you're laying down a floor that can't actually touch anywhere (because of 
expansion/contraction y'know) in a room with an adjoining back hallway 
and eight openings. SWMBO snapped a shot of me in the later throes of 
the project:

I look dead but I'm not - I was actually paring away under a doorjamb to 
get some more clearance. Say, those James Swan chisels were made out of 
first-rate steel. I used chisels, mallet, jewelers saw with an 'all-way' 
type blade for cutting profiles in the flooring, my M-F miterbox (dulled 
the big saw on the damn stuff), calipers for scribing, home-made tap 
blocks, a one-sided backsaw (Sandvik), a ryoba saw and etc.. The stuff is 
nasty to work with, brittle and hard on steel edges. And toes.
 
SWMBO is pretty happy with me at the moment. I got three boxes left over 
and now she wants me to do the front hall. Sure, I'll do that (nervous 
tic in my forehead twitching away). Sure, when PIGS FLY SOUTH FOR THE 
WINTER. No problem, I'll get around to it when the SUN GROWS COLD AND THE 
VERY AIR FREEZES AND FALLS TO THE GROUND AS SNOW.
 
After all, I'm an expert now.
****************************
Tom Price (TomPrice@aol.com)
Will Work For Tools
 

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