http://homepage.mac.com/frisbeepat/dog4 The Diary of Goodies returns as of June 4, 2004 All rights reserved. Wed, 23 Mar 2005 00:28:23 -0500 Wed, 23 Mar 2005 00:28:24 -0500 iBlog 1.3.5

I don't normally participate in these things but Michelle put it up on the net so I guess it's my turn

You're stuck inside Farenheit 451. What book do you want to be?

Anything written by Ann Coulter. I figure I'll burn fast and contribute to the greater good.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Nope. Crushes are only for the slightly unattainable in the real world.

The last book you bought is...

The Get Fuzzy Experience

The last book you read is...

Why Flip A Coin? It's a book that talks about the practical applications of probability in the world outside the classroom. Made for a great read as several chapters were devoted to the electoral process.

What are you currently reading?

Bushworld by Maurene Dowd.

Five books you would take to a deserted island?

1. The Bill James Historical Abstract.
2. The Princess Bride by William Goldman.
3. The Bible.
4. Eight Men Out by Eliot Asinof.
5. The Oxford English Dictionary.

Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?

JP, Steve-o, and the old Raytheon Brain Bowl Team. They're the ones most likely to give me straight answers.

]]> Wed, 23 Mar 2005 00:19:02 -0500

I took in a day at Tampa Bay Downs with Steve-o, Bo-hanthon and the Bo-hanthon family. Steve-o and I got there in time for the 2nd race. Having never wagered on horses before, I set myself up with some simple rules for picking the ponies:

1. Only pick long shots. Anything that ran at less than 10-1 got removed from consideration.

2. From the list of long shots, pick names that sound pornographic.

3. If there are no long shots with porno names, pick a long shot with a funny jockey name.

3a - Preferably someone that sounds like he once played middle infield for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Race 2
Had just enough time before the 2nd race to get a dog and a brew, then place my wager. Two long shots in the first race, April's Prince at 15-1 and A Gentle Man at 12-1. No contest, A Gentle Man sounds like something starring Jeff Gannon. As the horses broke from the gate, I started yelling out "I NEED A GENTLE MAN!" Hey, had to give A Gentle Man some love there. About 2 minutes later, A Gentle Man finished dead last, about 30 lengths behind the winner.

Race 3
Long shots: Island Princess at 20-1, Atlantic Princess at 20-1... I decided those sounded too much like cruise ships and dismissed them. Mrs. Smith at 20-1. Who'd name a horse after a brand of frozen dessert pies? Not me... now that I think of it, I'm not sure what I'd name a horse. Maybe I'll reflect on this as the day goes on. I found my horse with the last long shot. Scarlet Valentine at 15-1. I loved her in Lost In Translation. Oh that wasn't her? Well, going with the porno theme, maybe Scarlet Valentine was in Lost In Transsexuals. Guess what - Scarlet Valentine finished dead last. All of a sudden I need a beer.

Race 4
A beer feels pretty good on a humid, 85 degree day. Takes the sting out of picking two mules. Not really but the beer was cold. First stab at a horse name - Reebok All Oboe. Anyway, for this race I settle on Lovable Dom at 20-1. I figure it's short for "lovable dominatrix." And what a pick - 5th place. Woo hoo! I didn't pick the suckiest horse this time! Beer tastes even better now.

Race 5
While Steve and the rest of the bo-hanthon family make their picks, I announce that in honor of Michael Jackson, I'm picking Intrusive Lad. Other horses in this race include C.U. For Dinner (probably owned by Paul Silas), Mighty Wild Dude (which would have been my pick at 20-1 if not for the MJ blast) and Dragon The Pot. Intrusive Lad finished 5th. I think my luck is improving.

Race 6
Floating around my digestive system right now are 2 beers and an uneven mix of hot dog (with bun), communal fries, communal popcorn and communal nachos. The day's getting hotter and the gamblers around me are getting angrier. Their shouts carry more intensity as the races go on, as if a greater percentage of their kids' college funds rode on each successive race. Me? I came here with $20 to blow on $2 bets with no expectation of winning a thin dime. I came to drink and be among friends. And now back to the 6th race - It's the first time I had to go to rules 3 and 3a, as none of the long shots had good porno names. I scanned the list of jockeys riding long shots and went with Pedro A. Rodriguez. He sounds like he once played 2nd for the Rays. Anyway, Pedro got his bag of bones all the way to 3rd. This made ECP smile.

Race 7
Got another horse name - Lease A Less Lee. You must be thinking though, what if it's a boy? Easy. Shawn Hell Weigh. This is the race where none of the rules seemed to apply so I went by jockey names, only none of them sounded like Rays scrubs. So I went close to home and picked the only Asian jockey in the field - Chin C. Yang. I then asked my more experienced betting friends if there are any great Asian jockeys. Judging by their blank stares, I'm guessing - no. And Chin is not the first. His horse finished 5th. At least it had a catchy name - My Peanut.

Race 8
It's almost as if, as the day went on, the horse names got decreasingly less pornographic. I think some of them didn't even have vowels. It was like being at Prague Downs. Or maybe it was the 2 brews, I never could hold my alcohol. Pedro A. Rodriguez made his return for this race, riding Keytothepenthouse. And as Pedro crossed the line in third, I shouted "I GOT YOUR KEY TO THE OUTHOUSE RIGHT HERE PEDRO!" Bastard ran in front from the open, and I knew right then I was doomed. How Pedro hung on for third, I'll never know.

Race 9
I wonder what y'all would name your horses. Send me an e-mail and let me know. H. Potter was scratched from this race, much to the disappointment of... no one. Damn these horse names suck. I see that Chin C. Yang is riding Casino Wager and figure, what the hell. During the call to the post I got a good look at Chin and I knew I was screwed. Dude had thunder thighs. I figure, even Secretariat couldn't carry that much weight. As he crossed the finish line in 6h, I yelled at him "Lay off the dim sum!"

Race 10
Last race of the day, which isn't all that dissimilar to the final innings of a spring training game. I think everyone is lost on inspiration. It's quiet and the hard core gamblers have left, or are inside betting on other things. I picked a horse named Recently Separated, probably because "separated" was spelled correctly. I also felt bad for it because it was wearing blinkers. Anyway, it was the last horse to cross the line, but not the last place horse, as that horse didn't even bother finishing. It probably went straight to the poker room.

All in all it wasn't a bad experience. I'll go again. Not anytime soon I imagine, but I'll go again some time. Okay, one last horse name:

Antsy Care Again.

]]> Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:12:48 -0500 (This was written while I was waiting for Spring Break Shark Attack to start)

So there's a rerun of Desperate Housewives on right now and I'm just wondering what happened to the following story lines:

* The pharmacist who seemed to have an unnatural obsession with Bree. (As opposed to us loser bloggers who have natural obsessions with Bree.)

* Gabrielle's fake birth control pills. Then again maybe she's still not having sex with Carlos.

* Mama Solis and her coma. And along those lines, will the truth of her hit-and-run accident ever be known by the rest of Wisteria Lane?

I'm fearing that DH is going the way of 24, where lesser story lines get the Chuck Cunningham treatment. ECP is caught up on his DH watching, Steve-o was generous enough to keep the only episode I hadn't seen on his TiVo and I got to watch it last Friday. It wasn't until I watched that episode that I realized that Mike Delfino's evil boss is the evil warden from the movie The Shawshank Redemption.

As I wait for the start of Spring Break Shark Attack, I am stuck sitting through the show before it, Cold Case. I wasn't watching the basketball so I don't know how far it ran over. Thus I don't know exactly at what time the movie starts. It is 9:19 and this episode seems like it's nowhere near ending, so that must mean that Billy Packer gave Kra-zoo-ski an extra long blow job after the game. Probably swallowed. No, I'm not bitter at all about the Gators losing. Not one bit. No complaints at all about being stuck in the same bracket as the best #13 and #5 seeds. BTW every faggot in the Villanova band who played Rocky Top at halftime can go shove their woodwinds up each others' asses along with the hamsters they normally use for felching.

So I'm watching this show and I can't believe what a bad hairdo the lead actress has going. I realize her character is supposed to investigate long forgotten murders but I don't think any woman ever wore hair this bad. She kind of looks like an extra from a Sailor Moon cartoon. And that wasn't meant as a compliment.

This show uses way too much bad 80's music. It's like they invented a new show- CSI: VH1. Nothing like a slow motion, multiple-arrest montage set to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." Doesn't quite have the same impact as the piano solo from Layla does it, Jerry Bruckheimer?

]]> Sun, 20 Mar 2005 21:30:22 -0500 ECP sees if this Made For TV movie jumps the shark. As usual, all times are EST.

9:30 pm - You are looking LIVE at the palatial ECP estate. Looks like the show is finally about to start, delayed a half an hour because college hoops ran too long. I am so hoping this is in HD

9:31 pm - YES! It is in HD! What a tease this movie is going to be, all these hotties in bikinis with no hope that there will be any gratuitous nudity.

9:32 pm - First 5 Bikini Clad Victims, which I think I will abbreviate with BCV.

9:33 pm - Credits say that Kathy Baker is in this. Maybe she can use her hook from Boston Public to fight the sharks.

9:34 pm - Okay there have been exactly 8 girls in bikinis at this point and not one of them rate better than a 6.

9:35 - Dad of main BCV, whom we will call Bunny, is using shark analogies about guys during spring break, gee, no foreshadowing there.

9:36 pm - The action takes place in something called Seagull Beach, Florida, a hot spot near South Beach. Never heard of that one. Need to Google that one now to see if it exists.

9:37 pm - Guess what, Seagull Beach is near Cocoa Beach, near where I lived for 4 years. Geographically it is about 150 miles from South Beach. In terms of style, it is 3 billion miles away from South Beach.

9:38 pm - OMG are they really showing BCVs wrestling in yellow Powerade?

9:39 pm - So far all the BCVs are B-cups and thunder-thighed. This is nowhere near as gratuitous as it could, or should be.

9:40 pm - First Frat-boy Asshole Victim sightings. Let's call them FAVs.

9:44 pm - Oh crap are they going to introduce a PG-13 romantic story line in this thing? Immediately I'm hoping the R-rated FAV (from here on out, known as R-FAV) rescues Bunny from Kid Boring.

9:45 pm - More BCVs on the beach, pre-attack. Confirms the new adage about High Definition Television - It enhances every flaw. Especially if the flawed ones are wearing bikinis.

9:46 pm - R-FAV makes his play for the bunny. Too bad the shark is going to get in his way of saving her from Kid Boring.

9:47 pm - They're ALL going into the water. I mean, everyone on Seagull Beach. EVERYone. Must be feeding time!

9:48 pm- False alarm, they cut to a scene at a So-Beach club. Must be extra footage they fished out of the dumpster on the set of CSI: Miami. This scene looks nothing like Cocoa Beach. It doesn't even look like the fake Cocoa Beach we saw on I Dream of Jeannie.

9:49 pm - You've got to be shitting me, Bunny is going to ditch R-FAV at the club in favor of Kid Boring. Kid Boring admits he followed Bunny to the club. Gee that is totally romantic and not stalker-like behavior at all.

9:50 pm- Still not anyone over a 7, which I suppose is better than the 6s we saw earlier.

9:51 pm - Kid Boring and Bunny make Anakin and Amidala look like Rhett and Scarlett. This PG-13 chick flick story line is killing me... wait, it's getting better as R-FAV interrupts them.

9:53 pm - Okay we're 23 minutes in and there's too much soap opera and not enough sharks. I suppose the movie makers want us to get to know these people before they become bait.

9:54 pm - Kid Boring is at the bookstore. Improbably, Bunny ditches R-FAV and her b-cup friends to follow him there. My gawd this is the most boring, awkward love story line.

9:55 pm- Looks like a BCD and a FAV are going to become a midnight snack for some lucky shark. Because we know how fond sharks are of attacking in well lit, busy, and fully populated marinas.

9:56 pm - First "really bad, really plastic, robotic fin" sighting. Or was it a "Poor Korean CGI Fin" sighting? I think we'll go with the latter and call those PKCFs.

9:59 pm - Had to flip over to the Desperate Housewives rerun during the first commercial break. Got more entertainment out of that than the first 26 minutes of the movie.

10:00 pm - We're back at "Seagull Beach." So far the score is, PKCFs 7, Humans 0.

10:01 pm - Bunny goes to visit her brother, who apparently is an oceanographer at Seagull Beach Community College. Okay they want us to think he's going to a great institution of marine biology but it really looks like nothing better than a south Florida degree factory. The University of Miami is the most famous of these institutions, although there are many more.

10:02 pm - I'm going to call Bunny's brother "Jeff Goldblum" from now on because this is the role in the movies that is normally played by Jeff Goldblum. Anyway, Jeff's trying to warn Bunny that it's scientifically unsafe to swim in the water.

10:06 pm - 37 minutes in and there's not enough PKCFs.

10:08 pm - Whomever it was that came up with the idea to have the BCV with the a-cups jumping up and down on an air mattress needs to go back to shooting for Barely Legal magazine.

10:09 pm - I can't believe I'm watching this with ECD. He must be thinking about all that money he spent on my post-secondary education and how it led me to pick this show instead of National Geographic Explorer.

10:11 pm - How is it that Kid Boring keeps finding Bunny, and she doesn't realize he's some creepy stalker. If I were a paranoid conspiracy fan I'd think Kid Boring is the one who's breeding the PKCFs. But that's only if I were a fan of paranoid conspiracies.

10:12 pm - NOW it's getting interesting as R-FAV just slipped Bunny some GHB in her soda. And now it's raining outside which means that the hi-def signal is degrading. I swear, cable is such a rip-off. It costs more than satellite and its signal is not any more reliable. And yet, you have to have an unobstructed line to the "southwestern" sky to have a dish. I don't get that. There isn't enough room in the Earth's orbit to put up enough satellites so that everyone can enjoy DirecTV? Can't we just shoot down the Fox "News" satellites to make room?

10:13 pm - The GHB apparently has taken effect, as Bunny is doing her best Courtney Love impersonation on the dance floor.

10:14 pm - We now have our 2nd commercial break. And as I watch a commercial for Old Spice Body Wash, I'm thinking, the only place left on earth that any woman would be turned on by a dude that wears Old Spice is Southeast Asia.

10:20 pm - Back to Seagull Beach. Now I'm not sure what Bunny had in her drink, because she's kind of acting like Kim Bauer after the Season 1 car accident. Now I can't wait for Bunny to get repeatedly kidnapped so that she can fight a mountain lion.

10:21 pm - What is this, a lost episode of The OC? We're almost at the hour mark and the score is still 7-0, PKCFs. I expected by now to see hot, busty babes getting mauled by sharks. Now it's just above average b-cups living out some dull soap opera.

10:25 pm - And now R-FAV is going to try to reap the fruits of his labor. Oops, I anagrammed a word in that last sentence. Can you guess which one?

10:26 pm - Kid Boring walks in on the attempted reap. Meanwhile, the first c-cup gets pulled off a dock by a PKCF. Score: 8-0.

10:27 pm - It's the morning after the attempted date reap, and Bunny is trying to figure out which one's the Janikowski, Kid Boring or R-Fav.

10:31 pm - First sighting of an actual shark, as opposed to a badly animated fin.

10:32 pm - Now the main characters are on a boating trip. R-FAV just jumped into the water, and pulls the rest of the b-cups in with him, while Kid Boring pouts in the boat.

10:33 pm - The others are back in the boat, but Bunny is alone in the water, with 2 PKCFs floating behind her, just as they cut to commercial. Apparently these are friendly sharks. They're going to make Bunny their chum.

10:36 pm - Quick channel-surf over to Dream Job on ESPN HD. Unfortunately it's at a commercial too. Normally I hate, no I DESPISE reality shows but I like what they did with Dream Job this season. Instead of a third season of lanky white Stuart Scott wannabes, they've decided to offer up an NBA analyst job and have former NBA players compete. Of course if they had waited a season or two, Dikembe Mutumbo would have been in the field and wouldn't that have been worth the price of admission? I think if they had him with Jason "White Chocolate" Williams, Robert Parrish, and Shaquille O'Neal, that would have been must see television.

10:38 pm - Back to Seagull Beach. I think Bunny is going to make it out of the water. She just has to. Right now she's being circled by two PKCFs as Kid Boring calmly talks her out of this situation. I have a new found respect for Kid Boring. he's like some kind of spikey haired Crocodile Dundee.

10:41 pm - PKCF is now having the boat for lunch. Now this is more like it. The boat's motor stalled. Of course it did. R-FAV has Ryan Leaf face going. The b-cups are screaming but it's totally unconvincing. Like they're veterans of soft core porn or something. And Kid Boring is doing a MacGyver on the boat's motor.

10:43 pm - Now there are 6 PKCFs following the boat back to shore.

10:44 pm - Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum is pulling out a bunch of dead giant turtles out of the water. Only the turtles are more hideous looking than the PKCFs. They each have a v-shaped bite in their shells. But just a solitary v-shaped bite. In each of them. They look so unbelievably fake, ECD is laughing.

10:45 pm - Bunny just found R-FAVs supply of GHB as we cut to yet one more commercial break. Wait a minute, they just came back from one at 1038. Time to see Steven A. Smith... excuse me, STEVEN A. SMITH
beat down a Dream Job contestant.

10:48 pm - As I sit through this commercial break I dread that we might have seen the best of the shark action and am resigning myself to watching Bunny berating R-FAV for the next 40 minutes.

10:50 pm - Oh boy, a promo for another made-for-CBS disaster flick that airs in April, and it's called... "Locusts." Locusts! Wow, first sharks, now locusts! I'm hoping it's a follow-up to tonight's movie, something like Summer Internship Locust Attack!

10:51 pm - Great, our boaters are now stranded on an island while R-FAV tries to pin the GHB thing on Kid Boring. So now we're watching a poorly scripted episode of Survivor, with Kid Boring and Bunny playing the roles of Rob and Amber.

10:55 pm - The great GHB mystery is solved, as the castaways figure out that the roofies belonged to... Jeff Probst.

10:56 pm - The mangled body of the first dead FAV just washed up on the castaways' shore. And yes, it looks better than the PKCF that "killed" it.

10:58 pm - The castaways make it back to Seagull Beach with the boat in tact, without really explaining how it is they fixed the boat. Apparently Kid Boring is about a billion times smarter than the Professor on Gilligan's Island. Because if he wasn't, they'd still be on the island making GHB-Cream Pies.

11:02 pm - I think I've now seen it all. A Tampax commercial where a girl uses one of their, um, products to plug a leak in a row boat. What I wouldn't give to have never seen this commercial. Hey, what's the number for the FCC hotline again? How is seeing Janet Jackson's nip for 3/100 of a second worse than this?

11:04 pm - As we come back from commercial break, Bunny is telling Jeff Goldblum about the sharks. Meanwhile, the Scooby Doo conspiracy is revealed as it turns out the only character without any other purpose in the movie (the local fisherman) is the one who put too much chum out in the water. "much chum." More anagrams!

11:07 pm - Now there's like 800 PKCFs out there. What did the fisherman put in the chum, crack?

11:08 pm - Of course the spring breakers on Seagull Beach are completely oblivious to the many fins out there. Some of them are dancing (poorly) on a party float while others swim around it.

11:09 pm - PKCF sighting! And the natural reaction of the idiots on the beach is to run very far inland. Because everyone knows sharks love to crawl several hundred yards on dry land to attack.

11:10 pm - It's on baby, it is so on. The score right now is 25-0. Everyone who's swimming is trying to climb onto the party float. The result is the party float is looking like one of those Hatian immigrant boats you see on the local news, trying to make it to Key West.

11:11 pm - Looks like R-FAV made the score 26-0.

11:12 pm - Jeff Goldblum has one of those "Only Jeff Goldblum Could Think Of This" ideas, to go out into the water and become the aquatic Pied Piper, leading the PKCFs out to deeper waters by towing a giant can of Star Kist. Believe it or not, the sharks are buying it, following Jeff Goldblum's boat out to sea.

11:13 pm - Something dragged the can of Star Kist under the water, and is pulling the boat with it. Of course this wouldn't be all that dramatic if Bunny and Kid Boring weren't on the boat with him. Anyway, the thing took the can of Star Kist away from them, and decided the two outboard motors would make a nice after-dinner mint. Then, one more commercial break. I can't wait to see how they're going to gross me out next. Peanut butter and KY Jelly sandwiches anyone?

11:17 pm - I am horrified to discover that ECD is enjoying this. He actually knows the character's names. That's not a good sign.

11:20 pm - Hopefully we're back from the last commercial break. Jeff Goldblum and his two passengers are stranded on a motorless motorboat. They are up Seagull Beach without a paddle.

11:21 pm - I have no idea how, but Kid Boring got hit with a spear gun. Bunny does him a favor and yanks it out of his shoulder. Meanwhile the PKCFs are attacking. Apparently the one can of Star Kist wasn't enough.

11:22 pm - Apparently Jeff Goldblum never got his Powerbook upgraded from "Independence Day." He's apparently still running Mac OS 8.5 in a Mac OS 10.3 world, and needs Bunny to jump into the water to fix an underwater beacon.

11:24 pm - As they lower Bunny into the water I'm reminded of a popular Jimmy Buffet song. Can you guess which one? I'll give you 30 seconds...

(tick tock)

11:24:30 pm - If you guessed "Fins", you're wrong. There are no popular Jimmy Buffet songs. It was a trick question.

11:25 pm - Wow, Bunny fixed the beacon!, And apparently she was wearing Old Spice, because the PKCFs are swimming away.

11:27 pm - Looks like everyone's going to live happily ever after. Of course they are. This is CBS not HBO. Everyone has to have a happy ending on that network. Well, okay, except Dan Rather.

ECP's Final Verdict: It jumped the shark but not in a good way. Thankfully no one ever makes sequels of made for TV movies. Then again I can't wait for Summer Internship Locust Attack.

1 and 1 half poorly animated fins.

]]> Sun, 20 Mar 2005 00:20:12 -0500

I was about to pull the plug on the DOG for the time being, but I hate coming out and saying that because then I feel the urge to write almost as soon as I go dark. So maybe I'll just write every so often and not really advertise it, like I am today.

Today is not only St. Patrick's Day but also the true start of the NCAA Mens Basketball Tournament. I only have two horses in the field: The Gators and whomever is playing Duke. Of course the NCAA always sets up UNC and Duke nicely by having 1st & 2nd round games in places like Charlotte, Greensboro, Winston Salem, etc. so that those two schools always get de facto home games in the first two rounds, and thus are automatically in the Sweet 16 round every year. It's not like they're going to do what they did the last time my alma mater, USF, made the tournament. USF had to go all the way to Boise, Idaho. Or was it Billings, Montana? Either way it was all the way up there. You won't EVER see the NCAA committee send Duke to play its first round games any place west of the Mississippi.

It is exactly one week to launch date USA for the Sony Play Station Portable system. I all ready have mine. I imported one from Japan a couple of months ago and am extremely happy with it, even though I only have one game (Ridge Racers) and it's partially in Japanese. Due to short supply and massive hype, most experts are predicting it's going to be a smash hit for Sony. I have the same expectation, but only because I think once this country actually sees them in person, they're going to fly off the shelves. The PSP is that good. It blows away the Nintendo DS. Put the two side-by-side and it's no contest. Another thing that I like is that there will be a good selection of very good games available on launch day. I'm still waiting for the first really good Nokia N-Gage game, and I bought mine in late 2003. I have NFL Street 2 reserved for the PSP, and I can't wait to play it next Thursday.

There is more good news around these parts as my cable TV provider has FINALLY added the local NBC affiliate to its high definition offerings. So now I get every major network in high def.

ECP's HD viewing schedule:

Sunday:
Arrested Development
Desperate Housewives

Monday:
24

Tuesday:
House, MD

Wednesday:
Law & Order

Thursday:
Tilt (now off-season)

Friday:
Numb3rs

Saturday:
nothing


Also, The Shield's fourth season started on Tuesday. I should probably say a few words about it. First of all, the F/X network isn't in HD so that takes away some of my enjoyment of the show. Not much though. Here's what I like - 1) Vic is still Vic. He kicks ass first and answers questions later. He still has that twisted altruism about him. In the first episode, for example, he roughed up a child abuser that he could not prosecute. Frontier justice still rules the day in Framingham. 2) Glenn Close's character. Never been a big fan of Glenn Close the actress. Not since I saw her naked in The Jagged Edge. However, her character as the new boss has intrigue, much more intrigue than the old boss, Acevedo. 3) Dutch and Wyms have been blacklisted by the district attorney. Good. I hate those characters. One's a pervert and the other is a self righteous bitch. Here's what I don't like - 1) No more Strike Team! I knew they were headed down a slippery slope at the end of Season 3, but I didn't expect the team to be totally eliminated. 2) Vic and Shane are enemies now? And Shane is a crooked vice cop? What the fuck is that about? That would be like finding out Lennie Briscoe was a dirty cop for goodness sakes. The good outweighs the bad by a wide margin so I look forward to seeing how Season 4 plays out.

I could end this entry with a giant paragraph about the ECH in my life but I won't. I'll just say this:

I'm in love.

]]> Thu, 17 Mar 2005 09:24:48 -0500

I think, when I attained Left Behind on DVD via Netflix, I intended to go frame by frame and just have a blast with it. And boy does this DVD have its moments, like...

* One of the main characters announces she is leaving her job as a stewardess (you mean FLIGHT ATTENDANT DAMMIT!) to become a United Nations delegate. And by that she didn't mean the mock UN, rather the real UN. I haven't seen a leap in job levels this big since the Gators hired Ron Zook.

* One of the other main characters deciding that he hasn't had enough bad luck with his wife and son vaporizing, so he decides to break a mirror by throwing a Bible at it.

* Kirk Cameron playing a man named Buck Williams. If you watched any NBA over the last 20 years, you are now laughing your ass off. And for you rag armed quarterback fans, the other male lead was played by an actor named Brad Johnson.

* The Ten Kingdoms the anti-Christ seizes, according to the map I observed in the background: Western Canada, Mexico, Chile/Argentina, Greenland, The Middle East, China, the Sahara Desert, South Africa, the Australian Outback and Indonesia. By my count the anti-Christ earned 22 armies and gets to draw a card.

The extra features were even better. I only got to look at one, which was a hastily pieced together video detailing the movie's Hollywood premiere.

* Tom Selleck was spotted by their cameras. It was obvious to me that he was at the theater to see some other movie. Before he could avoid the Christian Entertainment TV reporter, he got trapped into giving a rambling sound byte to make sure that a mob of good little religious fanatics didn't burn down his house. He said verbatim, "Well I know it's called Left Behind and er... ummm... I'm hearing things about Biblical prophesy... so it will be interesting." (Neither Dave Barry nor I made that up, he really said that.)

* The show segued into its commercial breaks by awkwardly introducing Christian rock videos. But these were no ordinary videos. These videos were intended to promote... "Left Behind - The Concert Tour!" Wrap your brain around that, I bet you only heard of the book series and possibly the movie. Isn't it about time we violated the First Amendment and destroyed every Christian Rock recording ever made? I mean, who listens to this stuff? The name itself is kind of a joke, as the term rock-n-roll started as a euphemism for sex. I mean, does it make right wing parents feel better that their kids are having sex to this stuff instead of U2? (Unprotected sex because using a rubber would be committing two sins) Are the kids any happier that they get religion and an electric guitar solo? You know what you get when you take pop songs but change any reference to sex to loving God? Two awful "Sister Act" movies that's what you get.

This DVD was full of comical moments like these. Then I got kind of creeped out when I saw that at the time of the movie, 33 million copies of Left Behind books were sold. So there are lots, hell, millions of people who believe this crap. Um, doesn't this fly in the face of basic Christianity? I was taught in Catholic school that my soul goes to heaven but my body stays here. And that was like, day one stuff. I must have been sick the day they said that the "really, really, really good" get to go to heaven with their bodies. It's like they got the "Advance to Boardwalk" Chance card and the other 99% of us went directly to jail.

The whole concept of being sucked into heaven, body and soul, but minus whatever material possessions they were wearing (like clothes and jewelry), had me thinking about how stupid it all is. Especially the way it played out in the movie. I began to get sinister questions in my mind. Like,

* "Shouldn't the breast implants be lying in a pile with the women's clothes?"
* "What about gold teeth? I saw gold wedding bands but no gold teeth got left behind."
* "If all the children evaporated, then where are their dental braces?"
* "Glass eyes anyone?"
* "Piles of rhinoplasty? Or are we to assume that Michael Jackson got left behind? I thought so."
* "I guess if you had a penile implant you're automatically doomed to hell?"

It's either piles of vain implements scattered all over Earth, or we're to believe our creator doesn't mind having these things in heaven. Which one is it?

Maybe if I watch the sequel I will go into detail the many layers of humor inside the main plot: The anti-Christ taking over the United Nations to wage armageddon. Paranoid conspiracy theorists, white courtesy phone. Paging paranoid conspiracy theorists!

Perhaps the scariest part was when I realized that the movie exists for those who are so weak minded that they believe but can't even be bothered to pick up the book and read it. They have to have it acted out for them by Kirk Cameron and his wife.

3 stars worth of bad acting, awful music, and inconsistent dogma.

]]> Fri, 04 Mar 2005 15:39:40 -0500

... football season and talking-about-football-season. Of course the latter season is amplified with a piss poor local baseball team and the cancellation of the hockey season. I'll admit that the loss of the hockey season didn't matter to most of North America but it mattered here because we're the champs. I could go on for paragraphs about that but this is a football entry.

It's been a big week for followers of their NFL teams, because March 1 is the day teams either pay out big bonuses to (mostly) undeserving veterans or cut them. A lot of times teams reach new contracts with these players for less money. Around here, those who got their pink slips were Mario Edwards, Ian Gold, Joe Jurevicius and Brad Johnson.

Mario Edwards - Wasn't he one of the many guys who couldn't cover the other team's fast receivers last year? Piece of crap. Good luck in the CFL, at least there they don't expect you to cover anyone. And by anyone, I mean slow white guys from Saskatoon.

Ian Gold - He was good but really now, no one on that defense was as great as the Bucs used to be on defense.

Joe Jurevicius - I think everyone was rooting for this guy. Perhaps the most stirring radio call in Buccaneer history is Gene Deckerhoff's "YOU GO JOE! YOU GO JOE!" He may very well re-sign with the Bucs. But now he's a free agent and maybe some other team will make an offer he can't refuse, or an offer the Bucs can't match.

Brad Johnson - Good riddance. Overrated. Stiff. Rag arm. Deer in the headlights. Made way too much money for his limited skills. Bottom line: 5-11 in his last 16 starts. Enjoy retirement, your career was about 7 years longer than it should have been.

The Bucs signed Mike Alstott to a veteran-minimum contract that virtually guarantees he will finish his career in pewter and red. Personally I'm glad about that. Would have hated seeing him in any other uniform. There's a local radio host that loves him a little too much but there's no denying that Mike Alstott was the identity of the Buccaneer offense during the Dungy years. My disappointment is that he never got the chance to carry the ball full time for a full season. I'm not sure he would have been successful but I wish he got the opportunity. Instead he had to split time with Warrick Dunn because offensive coordinator Mike Shula couldn't figure out the best way to utilize both of them. Let me be clear - I'm not taking sides in the old Dunn v Alstott debate. I'm laying all the blame at the offensive coordinators that were here while those two were in the backfield, namely Shula, Les Steckle, and Clyde Christiensen. How hard was it to figure out that Alstott was a 1st and 10, 2nd and 6, 3rd and 1 back while Dunn was a long yardage back who excelled at draws, screen passes, and linebacker isolation?

I see Dunn succeed in that role with Atlanta, I guess they have an OC that figured that out. I'm not sure how the last one or two years of Mike Alstott's career will play out here as his number has, for all purposes, disappeared from Jon Gruden's playbook. However it plays out, I'll be glad that he's still here and upset over the wasted potential.

]]> Tue, 01 Mar 2005 23:44:21 -0500

* I'm thinking John Cheney wasn't the first coach to send a thug into a game with intent to rough up the other team. Just the first one to admit it. Think about it, when Chuck Daly would put Bill Laimbeer, Rick Mahorn and Dennis Rodman on the court at the same time, it wasn't to score points. It certainly wasn't to make Michael Jordan feel good.

* Got ECD the Ultimate Celtics DVD collection for Christmas, the collection has documentaries and some of the greatest games in Celtic history spread out over 5 double-sided DVDs. Of course ECD didn't get around to looking at them until last week. That's when we discovered that his collection has two copies of Disc 1 and none of Disc 3. Of course it's now March and I bought the set in December. Lesson to readers of DOGNation - Open and inspect your holiday presents IMMEDIATELY.

* Why yes, in fact, the cancellation of the NHL season has in fact caused me to watch pro basketball more. Thank you for asking. I still think the influx of high schoolers has ruined both the college game and the pro game but it's clearly ruined the college game more. Not sure if that's a bad thing. I always felt the college game was dominated by egomaniacal coaches like Kra-zoo-ski and Dean Smith. It's about time they took their well deserved lumps for making the game about the coaches instead of the players. Is it any wonder the best guys are leaving for the pros.

* Heck I may even skip filling out an NCAA bracket for the first time ever. Not that it matters anyway. I won a bracket a few years ago simply by picking the lower seeds. Pretty much proved that everyone else's expert analysis is pure bunk. Just go with the lower seeds. Stop trying to figure out which "12 will beat a 5" this year. It all evens out.

* Duck season. Wabbit season. Baseball season. Watched "Eight Men Out" for the one billionth time today and was still fascinated. This time I noticed how well D.B. Sweeney portrayed Shoeless Joe Jackson vs how Ray Liotta played him in "Field of Dreams." Sweeney had it right, as a somewhat gullible illiterate hick. Liotta made Joe Jackson sound like a Harvard educated poet laureate of the game of baseball. As if George F. Will wrote Liotta's lines.

* More baseball. Can't get up for the Devil Rays season. Just can't. Not when I see Sammy Sosa in an Orioles uniform and the Blue Jays announcing they'll spend $200 mil (American) in payroll over the next 3 seasons. That's on top of being in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox. I may as well give in and become a Marlins fan. Why the hell not, their management only tanked one year, 1998. The Rays' management has tanked every year of their existence.

* I think Hideo Nomo is great.

]]> Tue, 01 Mar 2005 00:38:21 -0500

Win - Jack gets the information necessary to find the override device by torturing girlfriend's soon-to-be ex husband.
Or Was It? - Jack probably loses Audrey to that Slimy Limy in the process.

Win - Araz family in custody. Father dead.
Or Was It - Fox no longer has to run the awkward Public Service Announcement with Keifer saying that "Muslims are our friends!"

Win - Tony Almeida reinstated at CTU.
Or Was It - Probably needs to dump crazy bitch girlfriend to regain security clearance.

Win - Agent Curtis kills terrorists that kidnap him.
Or Was it? - Watches next "Sherry Palmer" get shot.

Win - CTU director Erin Driscoll leads successful mission to stop nuclear meltdown.
Or Was It? - Lets wacko daughter kill herself before I can introduce her to Lynette Scavo's sons.

]]> Mon, 28 Feb 2005 22:44:07 -0500

Someone remind me again why it is Jeopardy has postponed half a season to hold this tournament? Here's what's obvious after about one month of play: none of these people stand a chance in hell at beating Ken in even one game, much less a 3 game final. This is exactly what I predicted back on February 9th (look it up in the archives, I'm not skilled enough to link to my own articles).

Anyway, none of these contestants play the game the way Ken does. For example, most of them play at a slow pace and sometimes time ends on a round before all the clues are revealed. I don't think Ken ever left a clue on the board. Should one of these "first rounders" get to play Ken, they're going to be hopelessly outpaced. It's like the speed difference between the National Football League and the Mid American Conference.

Also, have you seen any of the bravado and total lack of fear that Ken showed? Has any of them make that giant wager (rounding up to the next $5,000), even though s/he had a commanding lead? How about a > $30k payday? Anyone? Bueller? I'm looking at the big picture and I am sure that Ken would have answered every "triple stumper." (Triple Stumper - clue that no one gets right). That alone gives him a giant edge.

The first rounders make up for inferior play by also having inferior personalities. You'd think getting a minimum of $5,000 for showing up after living in obscurity for 20 years would get a rise out of them but apparently that's not the case. I should start writing down the things these people are saying in their interviews.

I'm looking at the big picture here. The point of this tournament was, did anyone who was restricted to 5 wins have game like Ken? So far, it's not looking like it. I am holding out hope that one of the contestants that got first round byes has the game needed to beat Ken. My ideal final match up is Ken, C.F. and T.W. (Go to jeopardy.com, find the list of first round byes and figure out the initials for yourself). If not C.F. or T.W. I wouldn't mind seeing B.V. or F.S.

Still another 6 weeks before we get to the 2nd round though. Until then, it's more balding and boredom.

]]> Mon, 28 Feb 2005 22:33:12 -0500

I made an error while taping Desperate Housewives and ended up not taping it at all. Crap I hate it when that happens. Yeah I know I can hear Steve now - why the fuck don't you have TiVo yet? Simple - due to my retirement, I'm almost always around the palatial ECP estate when there's something I want to watch. Plus it irks me that they charge so much a month for TiVo service.

So how about instead I send you some links that others have sent my way. First one is from the above-mentioned Steve:
http://gprime.net/video/blindfoldedmariopianist2.php
I actually went to the guy's site and downloaded his mp3s. He's enormously talented. Yet it's not really funny just listening to his music. You have to watch the video of him playing the piano blindfolded for full amusement. Just goes to show you that Asians rule the world.

Next link shows just how far the careers of Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn have sunk since they made Swingers:
http://www.guerillasports.com/article.php?article=358&issue=35
Of course, true fans of the movie know it's not funny unless it's Vince as Double-Down and Patrick Van Horn as Sue playing each other. "This place is dead anyway."

Finally, not sure if anyone else will get this, maybe cousin Michelle is reading this and might find amusement. I vaguely recall asking her about #74 though.

http://www.asianjoke.com/oneline/are_you_really_filipino.htm

]]> Mon, 21 Feb 2005 15:11:37 -0500

DOGNation was shocked to hear of the passing of Hunter S. Thompson yesterday, reportedly by a self-inflicted gun shot. I can't say he was nearly as influential on the D.O.G. as Chris Thomas, who passed away one year ago this past Friday, but he did have an influence. Apparently I was the last one who got the joke that Duke in Doonesbury was a depiction of Mr. Thompson. I wonder what Garry Trudeau is going to do with Duke now.

I'm not going to do a tribute simply because Mr. Thompson wasn't all that influential in my own work, as I stated above. I'd like to talk about one of his "causes" as it were. It's the case of Lisl Auman, who is serving a life sentence for felony murder and you can read about it by clicking here. My opinion is that Lisl probably deserves to serve some time in jail, but not life. Especially since it can be argued that the burglary that led to the officer's murder (the definition of "felony murder") wasn't even a burglary since she only took things from her ex-boyfriend's residence that belonged to her and nothing else. Plus it can be argued that she was by no means an accomplice to the officer's murder, since she didn't even know the murderer and was in police custody when the murder took place. My opinion is that since there was no one else to prosecute (and someone has to pay for a police officer's murder) they maliciously prosecuted Ms. Auman.

In his final years Mr. Thompson worked hard at getting this case some notice, since it has been largely ignored by the mainstream media. I thought I would pay tribute to the man by mentioning it to you, loyal readers of DOGNation. Rest in peace, Hunter S. Thompson. I think I'll go out and pick up a copy of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas now.

]]> Mon, 21 Feb 2005 14:36:19 -0500 (DOG note: ECP goes free form for this entry. May become a regular feature)

I've been an occasional reader of a blog (It's not Michelle's although y'all need to be reading her blog after you're done here) and the author leads off her entries with a brief description of her mood at the time she wrote. It may not be something I do all the time but I'll do it for this entry.


Tomorrow is my weekly Toastmasters meeting. There is slight friction between two members, although I'm pretty sure it's one-way. And no, one of them isn't me. I don't like seeing it but I'd been in enough clubs to know that not every member is going to get along. And like I said, the friction is slight, so slight I won't even discuss it. Still, if something happens at the meeting, I'll let you know.


The two big sports stories of my week were the NHL lockout and Jose Canseco. I've written as much as I want to write about the lockout in this forum, although I continue to have the discussions in e-mail and online chat.


I'm still not sure how to feel about Jose and his book. A lot of it isn't true but enough of it probably is. I think the bigger issue is, most baseball fans don't care. We'd rather watch the monstrous home runs than give a flying fuck if the guy who hit it is juiced. Here's what I am sure of - I won't be reading the book. Maybe if they make a trashy movie out of it, I'll watch.

If there's any better computer program than MAME, you'd have a hard time convincing me of it. Nothing better than playing the classic video games and getting much better at them than I was before.

Here are some of my favorites:
Tournament Cyberball 2072
Gauntlet
Joust
Smash TV

I also have some MAME ROMs just for the cheese factor, as the 80's certainly had its share of cheesy video games. I think the king of cheesy video games is Journey. The best way I can describe it is Tron with the band members from Journey. The game depicted them with pictures of their faces stuck on top of stick figures. It was actually 5 mini-games and in each one you played the role of a band member getting his instrument back from the bad guys who stole it. Or in Steve Perry's case, his microphone. If it were legal for me to do so, I'd post the ROM in my downloads section. But since it isn't, find it yourselves, it's easily a 95 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale.

Double M sent this picture on the occasion of Mena Suvari's birthday and I like it so much I had to include it:

Happy birthday to her! Just one of many reasons why the SI Swimsuit issue became boring, when you can get stuff like this (or better) off the 'net every day.

]]> Wed, 16 Feb 2005 00:25:31 -0500

Whoo, I've lost track of how many hours have past, but I'm fairly sure we're past the 1/3 day mark in the land of CTU. Hmmm... the day started at 7am, last night brought us to 3:59pm. Yes, I think we're a third of the way through! So instead of my random thoughts, how about I grade the players:

Jack Bauer: A+. Totally on top of his game, always the one with the brilliant ideas, hasn't gotten anything wrong once. Bonus points for dumping Kate Warner and hooking up with the ever-so-hot Audrey Raines.

Audrey Raines: C-. Is not adding anything meaningful to either the plot or the unintentional comedy. Actually, as far as the women on 24 are concerned, all I'm really looking for is the unintentional comedy, with the exception of Michelle Dessler. Audrey should actually get a D for not really helping the fat guy's mom in last night's episode, but gets moved up to a C- based on looks.

Secretary of Defense James Heller : D. A Secretary of Defense that doesn't even know how to kill himself in the face of terrorism? Plus, since Jack bailed out his a$$ he hasn't added anything, and he doesn't have the looks to get bumped to a C-.

CTU Director Erin Driscoll: B. Here is something to keep in mind: the first few episodes of every season of 24 are set in stone, then the rest of the story is made up by the writers as the season goes along. We see evidence of this in Driscoll. She's kind of like what Cheers did with Rebecca Howe, where she started out as this total bitch of a boss, then after one season became a total goofy loser. In Erin's case, she's turned from a total bitch who wouldn't give Jack the time of day, to a totally compliant, almost submissive boss. Normally that would move her from a grade of F to a grade of C, but she gets an upgrade for that nude scene in the Sweet Hereafter.

The Rest of CTU : F. Ding Ding, here comes the shitmobile! Seriously, if these folks are in charge of this nation's counter-terrorism, it's time to start buying North Korean War Bonds. I've said it before, this year's cast pales in comparison to previous CTU agents in terms of ability. It is a bad sign that these dumbfucks make Chase (aka Mr. Kim Bauer) and Chloe from last season look good. Speaking of ex-CTU agents...

Tony Almeida: B+. Okay, I didn't like seeing him down and out. But even that had its moments, especially with his trashy girlfriend throwing her tantrums. I didn't like seeing him broken up from Michelle, but that was not a bad consolation prize. And now, he's kicking ass along side Jack. Just like old times.

The Araz Family: A+. As the primary villains, they bring it in both the plot and unintentional comedy categories. Father Araz is so over-the-top in his role as the master mind that you can't help but laugh every time he snarls. Mama Araz was eerily cold in the way she poisoned her son's girlfriend, then acts like a soccer player over the pain of a mere shoulder wound. The best is Barouz Araz, the son. He has the "Ryan Leaf" face going in just about every scene. His pants should have at least 3 different colored stains by now.

24 grade at the 1/3 mark: B-. Not as good as Seasons 1 and 2 at this point, better than season 3 after 8 hours.

]]> Tue, 15 Feb 2005 12:40:31 -0500

Dear ECP,
Wish I could give up the religious right for Lent.
Cousin M

Dear Cousin M,
A brilliant idea! You're not going to believe what I saw while channel surfing last night. It was on one of those whacko religious channels that they give me (and other digital cable subscribers), along with the 300 home shopping and 200 country music channels that no one watches. The show attempted to debunk evolution with all kinds of half-truths, obfuscations and general de-clarifications. It was hosted by... Kirk Cameron. Kirk Cameron! This is like watching "Solving The Rubik's Cube" by Jessica Simpson! Oh you should have seen the gems Mike Seaver was spewing. I think my favorite was the section entitled "There Is No Missing Link Because There Is No Chain To Begin With." Classic specious reasoning.

To close this out, I've given up Taco Bell for Lent instead.


Dear ECP,
Any last words on the lockout?
JH

JH,
Not that I normally advocate these kind of things, but if the owners wanted to field replacement players, I think I'd put down money to watch. The NHLPA is one union that needs to be busted. Let's put it this way, if your management came to you, Joe Oracle, and said, "The company's revenues have very little growth potential. But you can still make $5 million (U.S.) a year if you're a great employee" would you turn that down on the unreasonable expectation that you think you're worth $10 mil? I didn't think so. Therefore, let the NHLPA rot. I'd rather watch below average scabs that love the game.


Dear ECP
Bought my book yet?
Jose

Dear Jose,
You mean the one that said Dave Martinez was on 'roids?


I'm hoping Borders has it in the "Science Fiction" area along with anything from Kirk Cameron.

]]> Tue, 15 Feb 2005 12:07:18 -0500