Thu - October 28, 2004

STIB picks


All college this time!

The over in Hawaii - Boise State (73.5)
Georgia -6.5 over the Crocs
Michigan -11.5 over Mich. St.

Posted at 11:47 PM     Read More  

DVD Review - Supersize Me!



And I thought Fahrenheit was mandatory viewing!

Supersize Me is the absolute, number one, required viewing movie for this day and age. Once you view it, it will reshape the way you think about the food you eat. Or you'll quickly forget about it after the movie ends, roll up on a Mickey D's and order that Big Mac meal. Either way it's not the worst way to spend 98 minutes of your life.

I'm sure most of you are aware that the movie follows one Morgan Spurlock as he embarks on thirty days of eating nothing but McDonald's food with some simple ground rules, including he will supersize a value meal if they ask, he will eat only foods on the McDonald's menu for the entire 30 days and he will try everything on the menu at least once. I won't reveal the results but I will reveal that they are far worse than the doctors predict at the beginning of the month.

Bonus features include an experiment on how long it takes for McDonalds food to break down and a goofy elderly couple that has spent $30,000 collecting McDonalds related memorabilia, among other deleted scenes and interviews.

ECP says, watch it with the entire family, including the kids. ESPECIALLY the kids.

Posted at 11:39 PM     Read More  

This one time at band camp....


... and other thoughts I had while watching game 4 of the 2004 World Series

* I saw a Cardinals fan in the stands with a trombone. That's right, a trombone. Who the HELL brings a trombone to a baseball game? Much less a World Series game? That makes sense. Um, upon further review, no it doesn't. I'm not allowed to bring a bottled water into Raymond James stadium but some fugly Cards fan gets to bring her trombone to a World Series game.

* Those John Hancock commercials with the kids? Annoying as hell. I think I'd rather be locked in a room with a TV on continuous loop showing Mrs. Fletcher yelling that she CAN'T GET UP! than watch one more kid with unreal ideas about the grown up world.

* And in case you are wondering, when I was that age I thought I would make a rock-star living out of writing kick ass games in BASIC for the Apple II. Nope, not bitter at all.

* I was really digging the promos for My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, until they previewed the episode where he reveals the gag. Huh? You really want to ruin the ending before the show even debuts? Something bad must have happened in post-production.

* My favorite World Series of Wigs gal, Jeannie Zelasko, was not at her best in the post game segment. I was worried about the seaworthiness of her wig as the champagne splashed about the place. But something even worse happened; she had this bulge resembling W's back at the debates, only the bulge was in her ass! She looked like Ralph Macchio in Karate Kid 3! It was all I could to to keep from rolling on the floor in hideous laughter!

* Most contrived graphic - the one that proclaimed "Terry Francona is the first Red Sox manager to win the World Series since 1918."

* Good for the Sox and their fans (I guess) but we don't need the repeated closeups of Jimmy Fallon "Freedom Kissing" his chick. They're not going to put that picture on the cover of Life, believe me.

* Where was Bennifer II by the way? I guess Ben AFLAC doesn't have any clout in Missouri. And if you'll allow me to digress, they should have printed on the license plates of Missouri: "Where Ashcroft Lost To A Dead Guy."

* You don't suppose they let them spray bottles of Dom in the postgame?

* It would be highly ironic if it was the stuff they ripped from the Shea Stadium locker room after game 6.

* Finally, folks of DOG Nation, you're going to hear a lot about this so-called "curse" ending. I'm telling everyone I can, the curse was pure bullshit. You want to know the primary reason the Red Sox didn't win a World Series since 1918? Race. The Sox were the last team to integrate, and for decades after that it was a token black player. They missed out on chances to sign Jackie Robinson and Willie Mays. From 1976 to 1992, the Sox signed a grand total of ZERO black free agents. That's a lot of Reggie Jacksons and Eddie Murrays to be letting go to other teams.

* I think having the right to beat the shit out of any whiny, self loathing Chowd after tonight is great. You got no more complaints, you hear me? Now go get your shine box.

Posted at 12:49 AM     Read More  

86 Years



Most of you in DOGNation are aware that I live in a family of Red Sox fans. And most of you are aware that I disassociated myself from the team after 1986. I'm a Devil Rays fan now. The disassociation became complete the day my home town got a team. I openly root against the Red Sox and every other opponent that comes into Tropicana Field, the Devil Rays' home stadium.

With that being said, I am happy about the Red Sox winning. Not for me, because I did not jump on the bandwagon and I still don't consider myself a fan. Rather, I am happy for my father, who spent days at Fenway for 50 cents in the 1960's courtesy of the USO and my sister, a native Bostonian. I am one of those people who thought of a deceased relative as the Red Sox won, and in this case it was my mother, who was able to recite the lineup of the 1967 team by heart.

So I'm happy for them, and I might even take them to a Sox game at the Trop next year, violating my policy against Sox/Yankee games. It's not always about rooting interest; sometimes you have to put that aside for family.

Posted at 12:23 AM     Read More  

Tue - October 26, 2004

STIB standings



Since I've gotten picks at various points I'm going to rank by winning percentage:

Double M put up another 1-2 week and is 8-7 on the year. He should get bonus points for picking 3 NFL games (not his expertise) at random. Doesn't really work that way though. BTW, Mike, is Tiger still getting laid?

I went 2-1 this week to pull into a tie with MM at 8-7. That's right, your best handicappers in DOGNation are barely better than a coin flip. Which, according to the last book I read, shouldn't really be the symbol of 50/50 odds because your standard coin weighs more on one side. Anyway, I'm pleased with my 2-1 week, the 2 being college picks and the 1 being NFL. And POG (Pile-On-Game) season is about to start. It may have all ready begun in Gainesville, FL.

Bo-hanthon followed up his debut 1-2 week with another 1-2, striking gold only on the Philly-Cleveland game. I might have been right there with him, but upon further thought, I figured Louisville was at the least 29 and a half points better than USF. But kudos on going with 3 dogs. That's where the money is according to the late great CT.

Steve went 1-2, only hitting on the Bucs being 7 points better than the Bears. That was a gimmie. We all should have bet our life savings that the Bucs were 7 points better than the Bears at home. Of course when I was growing up, Tampa WAS the Bears' home. God those days sucked. Nothing was worse than seeing Ditka, McMahon and company thinking they were gods because they beat the Bucs twice every year. The joke was on them. In the decade of the NFC you can find them in the pecking order way back behind the 49ers, Redskins and Giants. And their fame isn't even for winning the fricking SB, it's for making that video and looking like a bunch of stiffs.

Whew that was quite a rant. I feel like more.

Posted at 09:06 PM     Read More  

The World Series of Ugly



What's wrong with the picture this week on Fox? Do baseball players this ugly actually get that much tail? Must be the chance to get knocked up by a man making 7 figures.

This started out as an idea by Steve to rant on Julian Tavares, who not only got beat by the ugly stick but has apparently not even made it out of puberty yet. But he's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, and probably the only bad thing the St. Louis Cardinals have in the WSOU.

The Red Sox however are the undisputed king:
Johnny Damon
Manny Ramirez
David Ortiz
Bronson Arroyo and his white boy cornrows

I'm thinking, throw in Willie McGee and the Sox would have the WSOU locked up ever year. Is there another team in the Red Sox' league? I know in all sports the Sacramento Kings would give the Sox a pretty good run at it, and I don't think there's an uglier bunch of toothless Canadian rednecks than a hockey team. Still, hockey players wear helmets and face guards now so you don't see just how ugly they are unless their faces are in the paper, and that's usually in the police blotter.

I digress. The Sox have the WSOU crown. And while she's not really WSOU material, I'm just wondering when it will be that Jeannie Zelasko gives up trying a different wig every night. She may have a rocking body for all I know but the rotating wigs are doing nothing for me. And don't even try to tell me that's her real hair. Not only do the color and styles change every pre-game but so do the lengths! Maybe she's like shine-head-o'-connor. Anyone in DOGNation ever done a bald chick? Just wondering. tell me about it at evilclownpat@gmail.com I've never been with one, can't imagine it's much fun?

Wow that was divergent. From Tavarez to the Ug-sox to Zelasko to fucking bald chicks. Can't wait to see the hate mail on this one!

Posted at 08:49 PM     Read More  

ECP Has Mail!



Dear ECP

I am a desparate housewife who loves sports. Unfortunately,
my Bucs suck so bad, that I am catching myself
watching more of the World Series of Poker than I am football.
Do you find it strange that I am becoming infatuated with
Annie Duke?

Micki (your so fine hey ...) in Kenneth City



Dear Micki (M-I-C, K-with an I and no Y)

It is not strange that you are infatuated with another chick. However, what is strange is that, for someone from Kenneth City, you have your aim as high as Annie Duke. Judging by your demographic, I'm guessing that Annie is way out of your league. I'm thinking you might be a lot happier shifting your bi-curiosity towards someone more attainable for you, like those grossly overweight women you see on Springer. You know the kind. She's the kind who let some 110 pound speed addict shack up with her in her nearly-paid-off double-wide (47 more payments and it's hers!), and the reason she's on Springer is that she caught her man with his dick in her trashy jailbait sister's mouth.

She's been wronged by men all her life. She's vulnerable. She may even listen to the occasional kd lang song. So go for it. Ask her how she feels about Fried Green Tomatoes. Invite her over for some poker and see what gets poked.

The best part of the whole deal is that if you two end up together, there will be zero chance of procreation, provided David Crosby never plays in Kenneth City. The world will be a better place.

Posted at 08:31 PM     Read More  

Mon - October 25, 2004

Monday Morning Desperate Housewives QB


(Could possibly be a permanent feature)

Factoid That May Only Interest Me:
Teri Hatcher was MacGyver's goofy girlfriend, not only on the show but in real life for a short time.

Quote of the Week:
"Good evening, Mrs. Hoover."

Stat of the Week:
Desperate Housewives was third last week in the ratings behind a couple of those CSI shows, whose popularity I just don't get.

Enjoyable/aggravating Channel Surfing Note of the Week:
The Levitra woman is really grating on my nerves. I can't stand her voice, I can't stand the pauses where she rolls her eyes while thinking of ways to describe her man's newly discovered erection, and most of all, I can't stand the concept of having to use something like that when you're in you're late 30's.

Ten Things I think I think about Desperate Housewives:

1. Was wondering when they would get to the scene with Nicolette Sheridan washing her car. Was worth the wait!

2. I said it once and I'll say it again: Something more interesting needs to happen with the Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman) character or I'm going to start taping the show and fast forwarding past her scenes.

3. More half-naked Gabriele Solis! More I say, more! Everyone join me in chanting more! more! more!

4. This is where I would normally divert and say something about my field hockey playing daughters, but since I don't have any, I'll say that Susan Mayer's daughter is free to call me in two years.

5. At last, they add a little depth to the Bree Van De Camp character. What do you know, she does have common sense!

6. Steve is right, there was nothing more chilling than the way Susan dismissed nosy neighbor Mrs. Hoover at the end of the show.

7. Here's where I'd talk about my addiction to overpriced coffee but since I don't drink any coffee I'll move on.

8. This thing with Mary Alice's family has me confused; at first I was thinking the kid was the whack job but now I'm not so sure. I think I'll just let it play out and like Bob Knight says, lay back and enjoy it.

9. Ricardo Solis punching out the previously injured cable guy (thinking he was banging Gabrielle) and then realizing the dude was gay was just classic. But watch out for that because he WILL find out and it WILL get extremely ugly. I can't wait!

10. I'd like to know what strip club would let 3 boys who so obviously look 15, not only into the joint but lets them buy beers. And where that place was when I was 15 and pissed at my parents.

Posted at 02:29 PM     Read More  

Weekend thoughts on baseball



* Ugly, just ugly, the ugliest Game 1 in "the history of my life" (a phrase stolen from Rocky II). How a team makes 4 errors and still wins is beyond me. I saw it all the time in the Hal McRae era, and they didn't win shit, much less a World Series game with 4 errors.

* Then the Red Sox turn around and commit 4 more but have the bionic man on the mound so all is good.

* What I wouldn't have given for Houston to have made the World Series, and Fox prepares a photo op by having W throw out the first pitch in game 3, not realizing that he's in (what used to be) Enron Field.

* But back to the hardball - I guarantee this will be a different series in St. Louis, for several reasons: A lot of those shots off the "Monstah" will be lazy fly balls to So "What?" Tagucci. David Ortiz will be playing first base, either benching Kevin Millar or moving him to RF and benching Nixon. Either way the defense, which was all ready piss poor with 8 errors in 2 games, suffers mightily. And speaking of moving Ortiz to the field, Pedro and company have to take their turns at the plate. Is Terry Francona well versed in the art of the double switch?

* I think 6 million shots of the nervous Chowd crowd between pitches are great.

Posted at 01:55 PM     Read More  

Weekend thoughts on football



* I was going to write yet one more rant about how the latest Gator meltdown should cost Ron Zook his job and I awaken this morning to find out that the word was out that Zook was going to get fired this afternoon. So that will save me a few words. I think it was the right move and for anyone who questions the timing, consider this - what would AD Foley do if the team did another one of its meaningless late season rallies? I liken the Zook era's usual pattern of late season irrelevant winning streaks to Oscar De La Hoya's fighting style, where he would all of a sudden start punching with fury during the last 15 seconds of a round to put on a good show for the crowd, thus influencing the judges to score one for him. So, as remote as the possibility would have been for RZ to run the table and get into yet one more Outback Bowl, with victories over Uga and the first win over FSU in Tallahassee since 1986, the possibility was there. And Foley could not take that chance. So right move, right time. And let the search begin for the next coach, the RIGHT coach, now instead of in early January.

* Little 11 haiku:
Penn State's final score:
25 or 6 to 4
Pete Cetera groans

* KCBF is feeling the optimism of a remaining schedule that in theory only has two winning teams (Atlanta and San Diego), the juvenation of Michael Clayton, and a semblance of a running game. It's still looking like 7-9 at the most optimistic. HOWEVER - seeing the way the other teams are doing, 7-9 might win the division. It COULD happen; it is not out of the realm of possibility that this division could have a team with a losing record win it. And how bad would it look to have a team locked out of the wild card with a winning record?

* U-S-F is D-U-N. Like I told MM at HH last week, you can only be successful for so long with players from Dixie Hollins. Oh well, should have scheduled UF for homecoming. Or Maine.

* As long as we're playing the spelling game, once again the B-C-S is B-S. Get a playoff instead of trying to permanently legislate a 12th regular season game.

* My FFL team is looking fan-fucking-tastic. Got a 41.5 point lead over JP but he has Denver's RB and Jason Elam playing tonight. Looking like I'm back in second place with a 6-1 record. In case you're wondering this was my lineup this week:

QB - P. Manning
RB - Lee Suggs
RB - Thomas Jones
WR - Javon Walker
WR - Darrel jackson
TE - Jermaine Wiggins
K - Josh Brown

D - S. Foley
DB - P. Buchannon
DL - D. Brooks

I have Jamal Lewis riding the pine in one of the most ludicrous suspensions in the history of the NFL (seeing as it happened before he was drafted) and Todd Heap waiting to make that TE slot viable. I may be a contender.

* Speaking of that position, Fox carried some of the Philly-Cleveland game after the Bucs win and, in a fit of immaturity similar to Steve voting for the Gaylord Bowl, when the announcers said Jeff Garcia was hitting the tight ends with regularity, I lost it.

Posted at 01:47 PM     Read More  

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