Carnegie, Pennsylvania: Following up on reports of odd behavior from local cyclists, anthropologists from the prestigious L'Ecole de Marmoset were stunned to discover the final piece of the evolutionary puzzle in Washington County. "We were stunned by these reports," said Didier Dis'Sembler. "But we weren't prepared for the actual experience of witnessing these creatures in action. I believe that we have found humanities primitive ancestors occupying not caves or abandoned coal mines, but rather the roads and highways of this region."
The field team has confirmed that there are at least several hundred proto humans in the Pittsburgh area, but they estimate that the actual population might be considerably larger. Cyclists have been reporting unusual behavior in the greater Pittsburgh area for a number of years. The incidents varied, but generally involved shadowy figures in vehicles bearing Confederate Battle Flags, their heads often partially obscured by baseball caps or gun racks, hurling often incomprehensible phrases or making apparently obscene gestures at riders. Sometimes, the "drivers" might go so far as to run cyclists off the roads, hurl debris or fling open car doors.
It was this behavior, reminiscent of caged primates flinging waste, that caught Dis'Sembler's attention. According to the anthropologist, "Such behavior clearly indicates an intelligence far below that of the typical human being. However, the fact that these creatures appear to be able to operate automobiles and possess a rather limited, albeit monosyllabic, vocabulary indicates a certain degree of intelligence that places them somewhat above other primates and tree sloths.
When asked to explain the apparently hostile reaction to cyclists, Dis'Sembler advanced two possible explanations "Primitive proto humans were most likely highly territorial beings, and we can see behavioral parallels in the actions of protosapiens automobilus. They are probably only responding to the presence of something different on the road, and they are probably unable to discern a cyclist on a bike as a human being and a machine." This would explain the hostile road maneuvers.
Dis'Sembler described the verbal reactions as responses to the motion of the wheels, or the shine of lycra clothing: "These creatures are not terribly bright. Why else would they insist on festooning their vehicles with the flags of a nation which not only fell 143 years ago, but never even extended this far north in the first place?" According to the scientist, "They probably see a cyclist and think 'shiny, spinny'." He conjectures that the crude utterances might actually be attempts to communicate with cyclists who clearly are capable of moving without internal combustion engines, and might reflect the confusion 650 cc brains face when they encounter men and women on wheels. "Remember, protosapiens only has about 20 to 30 one syllable words in their vocabulary. What we take to be obscene might actually reflect wonder, awe, or an attraction to sparkly objects."
Protosapiens Automobilus, with a common verbal utterance and group symbol.
San Francisco, California. Pittsburgh area cyclists frequently bear an expression of pain on their faces. While some may see this as a direct result of straining up a 19% grade, noted sports authority Betting Fool has come to another conclusion: cyclists secretly bear the shame of recognizing the fact that their activity really doesn't qualify as a sport.
Fool, who writes for the San Francisco Gate, has finally and definitively ended the debate as to whether cycling truly belongs among the pantheon of real sports by utilizing a series of irrefutable arguments sure to become the envy of any third grade debator. He notes that while his colleagues fawn over Lance Armstrong's latest exploits in France, Fool simply can't reconcile the attention with an "activity, a hobby . . . no different than darts, or lawn bowling or kayaking or rock climbing, " activities that are starkly contrasted with golf, hockey and "real" bowling.
Mr. Fool, a self described "beer guzzling, ugly American dinosaur" (editor's note: there is an article describing some of his relatives in the Science section) makes no apologies for his assertion: "My basic premise is that given a couple years training and a cool bike, I could become a professional cyclist." Our sources indicate that Fool is a fine physical specimen, quite capable of attaining this goal. In fact, cycling is such an easy hobby, they assure us, that they fear that Lance Armstrong's popularity is such that he will inspire millions to become professional cyclists, which could have tragic results as the costs of corporate sponsorship would be such that the country would be driven into a depression, as every company employing more than 5 workers would find itself diverting large sums of cash to supporting professional cycling teams in hopes of keeping disgruntled unsponsored cyclists from revolting. Oh, the humanity!
We at The Prevaricator can only hope that Mr. Fool's following arguments dissuade any readers from the shame of joining an activity that doesn't qualify as a true sport, thus guaranteeing that the grime scenario spelled out above never comes to fruition! For those naive enough to cling to the misguided notion that we actually participate in a competitive sport, tremble in awe of Betting Fool's infallible reasoning! Cycling is not a sport because in Fool's well supported opinion, there is no strategy other than going faster than the other rider. Those who ride to support others with no hope of winning are not engaging in the rightful American pursuit of selfish individual glory, and should just go home.
Worse, the Tour de France occurs in France (we can only marvel at the research facilities Fool used to come to that conclusion), and as the new saying goes, "If it's French, it sucks!"
If Tyler Hamilton can ride the tour with a broken collarbone, it must not be a sport. If you can play in the rain, snow or mud, it must not be a sport. Unless it involves a ball and scoreboard.
Cycling has been consigned to the Outdoor Life Channel, while basic cable viewers everywhere can view swimming, poker, pool and dog jumping off piers on ESPN. Even if the hobby remains popular in Europe, "Millions of Europeans and a handful of Americans are wrong. Soccer is boring and cycling is not a sport." It is comforting to know that American sensibilities and cultural sophistication will always prevail, no matter what the truth may be.
Fool also provides us with a disturbing portrait of ourselves as people who are willing to pay $80 for a shirt for its wicking powers, we ride for lack of anything better to do (such as sitting at home with a remote watching real sports), and we're collectively liberal, without being too liberal. We're still trying to figure this statement out, as we fail to see the link between political affiliations and identifying an activity as a non-sport, but given the superiority of his argument, we simply must concede the relevance.
We fear that Mr. Fool has made comments that are sure to draw the ire of dart throwing lawn bowlers thought the Carnegie Metro area. As of this time, we have found few indigenous kayakers or rock climbers, but we are quite sure that they will be equally displeased. The Carnegie police for has assured us that they have ample stocks of tear gas, in case chaos ensues.
Another pothole has appeared in Carnegie, although by local standards, it appears to be quite minor. The aerial photograph below shows the disturbance, which clearly pales in comparison with those likely to be encountered on Thom's Run Road. The pothole, circled in the photograph below, has a 400 yard circumference, insingnificant by local standards according to PENNDOT, who assures us that the hole will be repaired before 2020.
