| Junior's Rules | | Date Created: Mar 27, 2007, 11:58 AM |
 Some old timers may recall when a young, green Dale Jr. did a semi-monthly column for NASCAR.com and NASCAR SCENE magazine during his rookie season. Junior wanted to write a column that would be seen in the garage and establish his view of the world among those around him. When you're a rookie trying to earn respect, it became an important forum. That's why we chose NASCAR.com (then known as NASCAR Online) and SCENE (then known as Winston Cup Scene). We knew the folks in the garage would see them, so most of his columns were funny but had a serious undercurrent or message.
The most famous of all was the tribute he wrote about his father that first appeared in October 2000 and was reprinted many times following Big E's death. (See Driver #8 for the the full "I Know a Man..." piece.)
However, one of the less-heralded columns still stands out in my memory - because the subject matter was lighter than most - and because of the behind-the-scenes drama that surrounded it. |
 First, let me explain how the columns worked. At the time, many accused me of writing them for him, but I assure you Junior wrote each column. He would email them to me for tweaks -- mostly spelling errors and grammar issues. I would make the edits and send them to the proper folks to meet publishing deadlines.
He had missed several deadlines in the weeks prior, so we were in a rush to get this one in on time to make the current issue of SCENE. When Junior sent this to me late, late one night (or early one morning, however you prefer to look at it), I had only a short time to edit it. As usual, his ideas were sound - but were written in a long, rambling narrative I felt was way too long. It needed more focus and brevity. So, I took his guidelines, put them into numeric order and compacted them. I believed his jokes stood out more in the new format rather than being buried in the middle of a long paragraph.
We made the deadline (barely) and it appeared in full glory online and in that week's edition of SCENE. That's when the wrath of Junior hit the fan.
"What the hell did you do?!" he yelled.
"I edited it. It was too long and we had no more time to wait..." I stammered.
"YOU RUINED IT!" he barked. "What the fuck?! Never do that ever again!"
"Um... ok..." I didn't understand the outburst but I definitely got the message. He remained angry for weeks. I still think the printed version was fine, but it remains his most virulent outburst directed at me. Every edited version thereafter was approved by him before it went online!
So, here it is: the young, party boy giving his expert advice on hosting the perfect get-together when he still lived in the small, former-farmhouse near DEI that many of you saw on MTV's CRIBS. (Now, if I could only find his original version...)
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 Junior's Rules for a Perfect Party
By Dale Earnhardt Jr.
COMMENTARY
Yo! I'm sure everyone who reads this column has wondered if I've forgotten them. Actually, it's been unbelievably busy lately, and I've written three or four different columns that I decided not to submit for a lot of reasons. But, as they say, better late than never.
With the off-season looming on the horizon, ol' Junior is going to have time to throw some major parties. It's a great opportunity to get back in touch with friends and throw a bash. Besides driving race cars, I have this party thing down to a science. So, as a public service, here are Junior's Rules for a great get-together:
1. Location
A night on the town is great, but when you party in your own backyard it's only a few feet to crawl into bed.
2. Crowd
The right mix of people is essential, so insist that every male must bring a female or 12 to get through the door.
3. Timing
Tell everyone to arrive around 8 or 9, which means they will get there at 10 or 11. (Special suggestion for your New Year's Eve party: have all of your clocks set at different times so you can enjoy a few extra kisses from the hottie nearest to you.)
4. Safety
It's always a good idea to rent a van. Find a reliable person that is not drinking to drive people home throughout the night. It's a cheap and easy way to make sure everyone's around for the next throw down.
5. Parking
Establish a parking area. If not, someone will find it more suitable to parallel park their truck between the flower bed and the front porch.
6. Necessities
Budweiser and Bud Light. Put someone in charge of the beer -- it's best to have someone that is trustworthy to check IDs and make sure no one gets out of control. If no one wants to volunteer, tease 'em with the idea that they may get lots of tips.
7. Ashtrays
Even non-smokers try to bum a cigarette after a few drinks. No matter what you say, someone's gonna smoke in the house, so have a few extra air filters to change out in the morning.
8. Control
Lock all the other doors in the house to make sure the rest of the place doesn't get destroyed. Plus, you must have at least one toilet nearby, stocked with extra toilet paper and a plunger. Make simple, clear rules for the guests: You make a mess -- you clean it up. Good luck.
9. Turn Offs
Turn off anything that is wasting electricity. You will need all the power for your party lights and deafening jams. Even if you don't have a 20,000-watt stereo like I do, you don't want to trip a circuit breaker during a drunken karaoke of YMCA.
10. Music
You must establish a dance floor. Everyone thinks they're a DJ -- so avoid allowing random guests to mash the wrong button or foil the night by playing their new CD of heavy metal hits as performed by the Boise Philharmonic. I find it easiest to plug my computer into the sound system. You can make an endless play list of songs, and it means you can join in the fun instead of crawling on the floor to retrieve the CD you just dropped. Play the latest rap and hip-hop jams to get the ladies dancing, and mix in a cool '70s tune for the older crowd.
11. Lights
To get a good atmosphere, you need party lights. Black lights get everyone in the mood to raise the roof all night. Red or purple-colored lights also seem to please the ladies. (After all, every night is ladies night. Focus all of the lights on the dance floor. The more confusion you can cause with the lights, the better. This will make even the worst of your dance moves look somewhat cool.
12. TV
The TV can make or break your party mood. Don't show something too interesting: it can turn the room into a museum. I usually play in-car footage of a recent race and then I change the display and warp the colors to make it psychedelic like a music video. It's cool to look at, but not something you watch for hours.
At this point, you have all the basics for one hell of a blast. Now you need to get your butt in the shower and get dressed in some fly gear. I don't wanna give away all my trade secrets, but I hope you'll use some of my advice. I've learned that if you aim to please, the guests won't miss the next party, even if it's not until the next off-season.
The host chillin' the most,
Dale Jr. |
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