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This is sampling of poetry penned by the great Eric Schramm and Jim Collar in their spare time. All works are copyrighted and may be used elsewhere if appropriate credit is given. Also, please let us know if you find our work pleasing and worth your time. This page is subject to change from time to time since it is foolish for us to post all of our gallery of over 300 poems. When possible the date is given for when the poem was written. Also the index number is listed. A warning to some: These are not all polically correct and Eric and Jim will not take responsibility for your predictible discomfort. Enjoy! |
| Poem Index | Poetry Page 1 |
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| Poetry Page 3 |
I wait alone
Wait by the phone
Wait for your magic voice
You make an awesome offer
And tell me to make the choice
I know you kind of like me
You call eight times a day
I made a friend
Your my Godsend
Through telemarket play
He called jihad
For mighty God
As the women started to snuggle
Putting down pornograhy
Will be my holy struggle
Baseball (#0289) 10/31/01 (New Lyrics Series) Take me out to the ballgame
Bring a boatload of cash
Buy me a T-shirt, a beer and some food
Spend a week's pay just to get a good view
You might have to take out a mortgage
To pay the players of fame
It costs an arm, a leg and even your ass
At the old ball game
Any way you slice it
Ham is just a tool
It makes us chubby, short and stout
And even sometimes drool
I know it can't be done
I want to find the way
To eat the pig's butt inside out
And call for yesterday
I always clean my restaurant plate
But there's always one topic of debate
Do you consider a garnish food?
The word itself sounds rather rude
Parsley, lettuce, carrots and kale
The very thought, it turns me pale
My very dietary system tarnished
Because of the invention of the garnish
I wrench the pipes, I clean the clogged
Removing all the hair
Forget the belt, who hasn't felt
The client's gentle stare
He sees my rear, but what I fear
Isn't what he sees
But rather where I have to fix
The toilet filled with pee
My mother named me Rod
My brother's name is Todd
When I hit a fish fry
I always order cod
They say that I'm a stud
Though I'm really rather small
But when you have a name like Rod
You know you have it all
Ozone, Ozone, in the air
Without you I'll lose my hair
Ozone, Ozone, we will learn
With you we will surely burn
Beechwood aged, fine pilsner taste
Make the "King of Beers"
But its contents made be laced
By left-winged nazi queers
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Mommy Loves You (#0304) 11/7/01 Don't do drugs
Don't pee on rugs
Dont even drink a beer
You know your mommy loves you
Don't go leave your mom in fear
Don't go out with bad kids
Don't murder all friends
Don't threaten a U.S. president
Don't look at bare rear ends
Go to church or bake some cookies
Study all your books or charm a lovely lady
With your wholesome boyish looks
America (Read-Down-the-Line Series) (#0300) 11/7/01 Freedom
Underneath the rubble lie fears
Crushing weight, broken spirits
Keeping hope
Others will survive
Somewhere
A reason for the madness
Meaning
America grows closer
Banana, banana, yellow as can be
Banana, banana, your flavor sets me free
I sing, I sing, out to you banana
I sing, I sing, copacabana
Derelict, Derelict, have another drink
Sleep out in the alley
With a treacherous bodily stink
Crap behind a building
Keep your booze within a bag
Develop sores from walking
Then soak them with a rag
My visit was quite strange today
I was sickly unaware
That dentist's might just venture round
And probe your underwear
I bent over as he spoke to me
And soon enough he drilled
And then before I knew it
My cavity was filled
I've got the blues
Not oranges or the yellows
I got the diarrhear
From the rude and nasty fellows
A push and a flush
Gave my friend a nasty scare
He pulled down his pants
And forced me to stare
Raybo's Scooter (#0237) 8/29/97 Raybo had a motor scooter
He did a lot of tricks
He popped a wheel, rode on logs
And over rocks and sticks
One day Raybo slipped
In his heart a stick was lodged
Raybo now lies six feet under
And his scooter's in the garage
Oscar, don't grouch
For you never do crouch
Your statue is always quite tall
You're shiny and gold
You're naked and bold
With the tightest award buttocks of all
One good organ, one that's great
The bold and manly mean prostate
Check for cancer, be the man!
Even check without your hand
Poke but do not make me sterile
Use your gun to check my barrel
I wear one pant
And not a pair
That's why one cheek
Of my butt is bare
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A drink or two, a shot will do
A drunken little shag
I didn’t know her well
She was uglier than hell
My faintest memory is vague
Vague (#0319) 11/16/01
The Pivot Club, a happy place Rainbow pride, a warm embrace Where men like men And chicks dig chicks They share a drink While men suck limes from fruity glasses With an umbrella at the top They flock down to the Pivot Club A gay, fun place to stopEmporium (#0296) 11/5/01 Welcome to Ned's Emporium
A different kind of store
A place where you'll find furry things
Earmuffs, shirts and more
If you want a special piece
A pelt we wish we had
Bring it in, we'll slit it's throat
And even paint it plaid
Oh , Osama, what you doin'?
Down a building, now were stewin'
You got a lot of money
Got a lot of beard
But living in a cave
We think its kinda weird
So Osama, Afghan drama
Come and see the light
If you see your shadow
It's thirty more bomb-filled nights
The Olympic games, those Russian names
Sweaty, strong and true
Discus, shotput, pole vault,
Diving, archery, too
They've been held in Seoul,
In Germany, and in the U.S.A.
In winter there was lilluput
And Calgary they say
When Gymnast chicks are on TV
My eyes are always glued
They could only be improved upon
By Greco-Roman nudes
Spastic, plastic underwear
People sneer, but I don't care
I must not leave and waste my time
It may be gross, but not a crime
Noah (from God the Pirate series) (#0008) God said to Noah
"Ar thar she bloah"
"Take all yer critters inside"
"I'm stormin' mad"
"And it would be quite sad"
"To see all ye matees had died."
Bran is cool
It's in my stool
First it's in my breakfast cereal
Then, it's in my waste material
I met-a me-a chef
His name was "Big Jeff"
He was smoking a bunch of hasish
But as I moved closer
Plus the smell from the toaster
I saw he was making some quiche
A towel or two cannot undo
The wetness of a kiss
That covers the face
And does not taste
Like camel dung or piss
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