Death is fun
The clock strikes one
A sudden scream cut short
Inside the Saab
It's all macabre
The rolling head reports

Hangover (#0284) 12/27/00

The clock strikes twelve 
My head is spinning 
I make out with my wife
I soon pass out
And later wake
Praying for my life
The morning's met with football
My head begins to pound
I puke for days and days and days
Another new year down

Chili (#0027)

Chili, Chili, it's hot, hot, hot
Diarrhea, now I've got, got, got
In my bowl a tasty treat
But in my pants it's not so neat

Quagmire (#0200) 11/18/96

You're sitting on the pot
You haven't shat a shot
You push and squeeze
You even sneeze
And lose a pile of snot
But after a gentle laxative
The chocolate of the gods
Your quagmire suddenly loosens up
And falls in juicy wads

Wassail (#0283) 12/19/00

There once was a drink 
A dark red or pink 
It was served as a Christmas ale 
It's spirits were strong 
For then all night long 
The women were moaning "Wassail!" 

Beer Goggles (#0280) 12/12/00

I poured a stein, was feelin fine
And then I had another 
My friend is also doing well
He'just left with my brother
They say the beer deceives the eye
Makes ugliness gain beauty
Now I wish I never went home 
With that bearded chick named Rudy

Australia (#0276) 12/6/00

Come down to the land down-under
Bring your family, too
We can show you crazy times
And wrestle a croc or two
If you should have to urinate
Or leave kids at the pool
The toilet flows the other way
A counter-clockwise stool

Pregnant Chad (#0275) 11/28/00

How can one say
A ballot is gay
If only one corner is broken?
The people are mad
At the dimpled chad
The child of the chad has now spoken

Inner Feelings (#0009)

If people tease you a lot
Try not to get distraught
Just look to your feelings
And jump to the ceiling
Thinking, "This is no the way I was taught"

Felix Gluteus Maximus (#0014)

There once was a sick little kid
Now I will summarize what he did
When his toys became banal
He grabbed for an anal canal
For the rest of its life his cat hid

Cereal number, veneral disease 
Cocoa Puffs, if you would, please 
Killer, maimer of human parts 
But pour some Trix with human hearts 

I want to thank you
Such a kind and gentle soul
Yes, you're the kind of woman
Who made her children whole
You always made us cookies
And spanked us when we were bad
When the lights turned off for bed time
You gave some lovin' to our dad

Mr. Coin Man (#0285) 12/27/00

My name is Mr. Coin Man
And I collect as my name reads.
Just like Mr. Porn Man
Who's known for dirty deeds
A quarter for each of 50 states
What a thrill divine
I'll buy your silver dollar
Be it poor, mint, good or fine
I'll take heads on every bet
I'll let you flip for tails
When it comes to numismatics
Mr. Coin Man never fails

Perineum (#0205) 12/10/96

It's amazing, yes, I tell ya
To view this mighty isthmus
It keeps my woman happy
Before and after Christmas
Ya see, I cannot use it
On Christmas Day or Eve
Because that is the day
That it is gift-wrapped beneath a leaf

Bear Trap (#0170) 9/30/96

I was caught within a bear trap 
It was sensitive to the touch 
I had to chew my leg off 
Then I used it for a crutch

Congealed (#0281) 12/12/00

I was stranded at the South Pole
That beer was now taking its toll
It soon was revealed
My urine congealed
And wouldn't come out of the hole

Billabong (#0277) 12/6/00

A cemetery exists
Along the billabong
The water slowly flows
The current carries on
If it overflows
Along its swollen sides
Caskets will go sailing through
With stinking pirate pride

Ghost of Christmas Present (#0272) 11/27/00

The Ghost of Christmas Present
Gave me something not so pleasant 
The dirty bastard cut me with a knife
Will the Ghost of Christmas Future 
Promptly offer me a suture 
And save the very essence of my life

Farming Memories (#0164) 9/9/96

A combine ran over my mother
A combine ran over my dad
And now when I pass my neighbor's farm
I think of the family I had

Coffee (#0179) 10/14/96

I wanna have a coffee
And I probably will pee
The crazy type effects
The java has on me
I'll sit upon the pot
And squirt into the bowl
The way the water percolates 
Into the pot and out the hole

Lest my life be unsalted
I'm feeling rather bland
I'm now flavored with the spice of love
And in that spice I stand

Eunuch (#0175) 10/7/96

There once was a eunuch
Who came from East Munich
That let off a mighty loud cry
They reached in his tunic
And sliced at his unit
But cut two inches into his thigh

Election 2000 (#0259) 10/25/00

I met George Bush as a waiter
Al Gore invented the equator
Two syllable names
Are really quite lame
I think I'll go and vote Ralph Nader

Corn Dog (#0041)

I took my corn dog to the park
A policeman made a crude remark
"No dogs allowed, you dirty snot"
"Whether it's made of corn or not"

God (#0002)

I like God, he's in my bod'
I like Jesus, when he sneezes
I like THE LORD, when I'm bored
But I'll never ever, never like the devil

Liquid Smoke (#0047)

If a dime appears behing your ear
Do not wonder why
It's not a joke
It's liquid smoke
That burns between your thighs

Corn (#0003)

I like corn, it's nice and yellow
I love corn, it makes me mellow
I love corn right off the cob
I eat corn just like a slob

Three Men (#0235) 8/29/97 (New Lyrics Series)

Rub a dub dub
Three men in a tub
None of whom own any clothes
They get erotic and naughty
And argue just slightly
On whose was the first one that rose

Blasphemer (#0042)

A man was in court
He claimed to be Christ
The situation wasn't nice
It was no spoof
They had no proof
So they called in a Jehovah's Witness

Poop or Fart? (#0231) 4/22/97

Is it poop?  Is it fart?
I dunno, I'll let it start
A little push will cause no harm
But juice that's loose will be alarm
So care and thought should then precede
Far into farts one should not read

Necessity (Read-down-the-line Series) (#0024)

Somthing I need
Hides deep inside
In the confines of my heart
To protect me from the pain of life

Bruce Lee (#0040)

Bruce Lee was at my house today
Bruce Lee was at my house to play
Bruce Lee gave a big spin kick
Then to my chops, I took a lick
Bruce Lee made a funny noise
I suggest we stick to toys