Nice List Near Completion

NORTH POLE -- Representatives with Santa Christmas Industries reports the Santa's annual "nice list" should be complete in the next two days. Still, Santa will carry around a magic marker to cross out names if needed, spokesman Hans Detenfeller said.

New Yorker Paul McDonaldson nearly made the nice list for the first time in six years, however was crossed off after stealing a porno magazine and a tube of Pringles from a local convenience store last week.

John Stevens was good most of the year, although he admitted to beating his brother-in-law during a drunken argument around the Thanksgiving dinner. "I tried really damn hard, man," Stevens said. "It's a real crock of shit that we get coal if we screw up one time. Why doesn't that fat bastard give me the death penalty?"

Detenfeller said Santa Claus would give the death penalty if they could. Mostly, it's about economics. Financial statements show that eliminating naughty people from the Christmas lists saves Santa Claus more than $47 million in production and labor each year.

North Pole officials warn people to remain on their best behavior until Christmas morning.

"He doesn't check his list twice, he's always checking it," said elf Roger Fleetenbloughton. "I think he crosses some people off because he thinks it's funny. Santa can be a real dick if he wants to be."