EDITORS' CORNER

Federal and state laws give consumers the right to stop telemarketers from invading their lives with annoying phone calls. Taking that option is ignoring the infinite fun telemarkers can bring to an average household. The invention of Caller ID and other innovations made prank phone calls a thing of the past. When they call you, however, all bets are off. Take it from Cornography, telemarketers can bring hours of enjoyment with just a touch of creativity:

Sell to the seller -- One way to throw a telemarketer off course is to simply turn the tables. Stop the salesperson in the middle of their pitch. Tell them your son is selling pizzas as part of a school fundraiser and ask them how many they are willing to purchase. If they say they aren't interested, simply reply, "If you can't help out my son's school, why should I buy a damn thing from you?" Hang up the phone.

Go Broadway -- It's likely most people don't want to hear your annoying singing voice. Telemarketers are a captive audience. Once they start their sales pitch, belt out a few of your favorite songs. Any musical will do. To increase the fun of this call, start at a soft volume and gradually get louder until you're yelling into the phone. For competitive purposes, keep a stop watch handy. Time how long it takes to get them to hang up and then try to beat your score the next time.

Get the spouse -- Listen to the sales pitch and then tell them you have to consult with your husband or wife. Put down the phone and pick it up a few seconds later. Change your voice and pretend you are your spouse. Chat with the telemarketer for a few moments and then change your voice. It'll be painfully obvious and painfully annoying for the salesperson. In three letters, it's F-U-N.

Embarrass the caller -- Right away, the telemarketer will likely ask how your doing. This is a golden opportunity. Ask the caller if they're comfortable talking to you while you're pooping. If they continue, make an occassional fart noise, later flush. If this all fails, yell to your spouse "Honey, can you bring me a new pair of underpants."

Loud is funny -- Start out acting normally as you would if you were truly interested in their offer. After a minute or two, make a loud and abrupt sound, WOOOHOO, for instance. YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP is another possibility. Use your own creativitiy. Wait a few more minutes and make another abrupt, loud and annoying sound. Repeat as necessary.

These are only a few short examples of the fun you can have with telemarketers. We'd love to hear your suggestions. If you use these techniques, please send us an e-mail explaining how well it worked for you. Remember, telemarketers are there for your enjoyment, only they don't know it.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK

Woe to the man with the sweet tooth who mistook E-Lax for chocolate.

VOCAB BUILDER

vague

adj, not clearly expressed, known, described or decided

POETRY