Stella Street Quotes

It’s a massive task to choose quotes from Stella Street. Every episode is so dense with comic creativity that almost every line is quotable. By putting the quotes here, their full value can be appreciated. This page contains quotes that visitors to the site have suggested, plus some of my own favourites. Please send me yours (but please, only one per email, otherwise it takes me ages. If you could set the email up so that I can just copy them across to this page, that would be great.)! For thousands of sounds from the series, visit Mr Wav’s Stella Street Page.

There are some collections of sounds available on the Sounds page.

The only possible reason why the “Fast” Show was so popular was that people could remember the catchphrases. Stella Street has more catchphrases in one episode than the Fast Show had in three hundred whole series! You bet you goddamn arse, boy! Enjoy.

Michael Caine

“You’re all a bit fragile, what with the long journey, and the harpoon murder.”

Michael Caine (series 3, episode 6).

“Two years in Surrey and their brains have turned to mush.”

Michael Caine, to Mrs Huggett (series 3, episode 1).

“I cleaned up your arse when you shit yourself.”

Michael Caine, to Mrs Huggett (series 1, episode 1).

“So you can take your leg of lamb and your bleeding mange tout and you can stick them right up you fat arse.”

Michael Caine, to Mrs Huggett (series 1, episode 1). Submitted by Matt.

“Life has a habit of slapping you in the face. I have been slapped… ouch.”

Michael Caine (series 1, episode 1). Submitted by Carl Dumbleton.

“Al Pacino, Joe Pesci, Jack Nicholson… myself—we are all huge bankable stars.”

Michael Caine (series 1, episode 2). Submitted by Droog80.

“You don’t want to put all your money on one horse in this business; nine times out of ten, the second horse comes first.”

Michael Caine (series 1, episode 2).

“Anyway, must dash. They’re re-showing The Swarm on Channel 5!”

Michael Caine. Submitted by Matt.

“Nautical clobber is de rigger.”

Michael Caine (series 2, episode 9).

“I told you about the plot didn’t I? It’s about an MI5 agent Bob Chisolm, that’s me, who’s on the trail of this Barda Meinhoff gang, who are gonna blow up the Post Office tower, only they’re not, ’cos they’re gonna blow up the tower of London instead and make off with the Crown Jewels to finance the communist takeover.”

Michael Caine (series 2, episode 6)

“You know that front room in there that I hardly ever use, with the water bed and them two way mirrors, and them things hanging off the ceiling that you can tie your wrists up with like. That’ll be hers, she can have that, but as long as we take down all the equipment and remove them moody videos, we’ll be laughing”

“Oh I wouldn’t bother with that-she likes all that shit.”

Michael Caine and Joe Pesci about where Joe’s mum can stay (series 1, episode 5)

Jack Flatley

“I’ve had more bypasses than Birmingham.”

Jack Flatley (series 2).

Bowie: “I’m not saying that all money is… dirty… but my neighbours are looking for the soap… which is nowhere to be seeeeen… oh!” Flatley: “It’s very brave, and very modern. But not funny. Even with the cymbal crash.”

David Bowie and Jack Flatley, in rehearsals for the Laughing Man tour. (Series 2). Submitted by Martin Zatko.

“Show ’em your suit, ’cause they want to see it.”

Jack Flatley’s advice to David Bowie before his standup act (series 2). Submitted by Paul Harrison.

Len MacMonotony

“I’ve got to gan burn Mickel Caine’s house down."
“I didn’t hear that Len”
“I’ve got to gan burn Mickel Cayan’s house down.”

Len MacMonotony and the policeman (series 1). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

“Nothing I like better than a canny inferno.”

Len MacMonotony (series 1). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

“I wanna feel the flames like warm wel’yomin’ arms.”

Len MacMonotony (series 2, episode 10).

“I’ve got to fill your skull up with syrup and drain it in one gan.”

Len MacMonotony (series 2). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

Caine: “If those frogs aren’t out that pool by this evening, they’ll be on that bleedin’ barbecue.”
Len: “The oenly thing gannin’ on that borbecue’ll be Miycal Cayan, and then we’ll have a griddled Alfie.”

Len MacMonotony, fearing the life of his family of frogs in Caine’s new pool (series 2, episode 3). Submitted by Martin Zatko.

“I reckon as people is just like plants. You have to keep the population down, keep it manageable.”

Len MacMonotony (series 1).

Joe Pesci

“I’m going to give you these pills. They use them for slowing down sperm whales, so don’t go operating no machinery or talking to the human race for about a year and a half.”

Joe Pesci, to Len MacMonotony (series 2, episode 4).

“I never see the point of old people; they’re nearly fucking dead anyways.”

Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 1). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

“What the fuck’s mulch? You’re going on like a fuckin’ garden gnome. I’m trying to bury a stiff here and you’re giving me all this rosebed shit, you mulch fuck.”

Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 1). Partially submitted by Michael Johnson.

“Hey Rog, open up, you cardigan fuck!”

Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 3).

Caine: “We all go a little pasty in London.” Pesci: “Who the fuck you calling pasty you fuck?”

Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 3).

“Hey, condom face, get me two tins of carrots, so I can shoot in the dark.”

Joe Pesci, to Mick Jagger. Submitted by Martin Zatko.

“Dean the only place your foot is going is gonna be up your fucking ring, and that’s just so I can pull it out your mouth. Believe me Dean, you’ll still be an anonymous dumb prick fuck, but there’ll be a certain dazzling originality in the way I fucked you up.”

Joe Pesci, to Dean (series 1, episode 4).

“Fish sticks are just the right size to stick up your fucking ass.”

Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 5).

“Exempt, exempt, fucking exempt! Nub, nub fucking nub!”

Joe Pesci to Michael Caine (series 1, episode 5). Submitted by Charles Howarth.

“Tony Curtis? Some-like-it-up-the-fucking-ass Tony fucking Curtis? No, fuck you.”

Joe Pesci, to Roger Moore (series 1). Submitted by Martin Zatko.

“OK, it’s fucking orange juice time.”

Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 7).

“I’m a good boy.”

Joe Pesci (after his lobotomy at the end of series 1). Submitted by Steve Davis.

Joe Pesci’s plaque (series 2, episode 1).

“You know just before Christmas I had a little unfortunate incident whereby you know I had to have a fucking hole cut in my head like I’m a fucking mailbox.”

Joe Pesci (series 2, episode 1).

“Some shit fuck prick has just broken my window with a soccer ball. You know when I find him I’m gonna wrap his fucking balls around his neck.”

Joe Pesci, to Jimmy Hill (series 2, episode 2).

“Keith: every time I see that jerk, I think I’m catching typhoid.”

Joe Pesci (series 2, episode 4).

“Dean, I must be getting Alzheimer’s, but didn’t I already whack your mouthy fucking ass?”

Joe Pesci (series 2, episode 4).

“You know, every time I switch on the TV over in this country, I always seem to get that NeverEnders programme in my fucking face and they talk like you, and I was thinking then, kinda like I’m fucking thinking now: how would I react if I got all that Dick Van fuck chim-chimmuny up your fucking bullshit coming at me?”

Joe Pesci (series 2, episode 4). Submitted by Leon Kennedy (among others).

“You tell that elephant John, you know if he sends any more Pringle pricks round here asking for fucking milk, he’s gonna end up in the elephant graveyard with a seven foot tusk up his fucking geek.”

Joe Pesci (series 2, episode 6).

“No you chin prick, go and stick a bacon sandwich up your arse.”

Joe Pesci, to Jimmy Hill (series 2, episode 7).

Caine: “’Ere, Joe. Why’ve you got so much bloody money?” Pesci: “None of your fuckin’ business. What is this fairy fuckin money anyways?”

Michael Caine and Joe Pesci mid-Monopoly (Series 1, Episode 6). Submitted by Stu J.

“What are you waiting for, you anecdotal joke fuck?”

Joe Pesci, to Jack Flatley (series 2, episode 10).

Bowie: “That’s just the way it is, Joe.” Pesci: “That’s just the way it is? Who do you think you are… the fucking Buddha?”

David Bowie and Joe Pesci. Submitted by Tanya & Paul of Keele University.

Moore: “Does your mother like… games?”
Pesci: “What are you fucking talking about? Hide the syringe? Golden showers? This is my mother we’re talking about, not some fucking hooker.”
Moore: “I thought you wanted a… gambling ambiance.”
Pesci: “You’ll be the one needing a fucking ambulance, you’re gambling with your fucking life.”
Moore: “Well I just thought Joe you might like something cushy and comfortable so that you could relax-”
Pesci: “What, to lie down?”
Moore: “Yes, if you like-”
Pesci: “What, with my mother? You incestuous sick fuck. Get the fuck out of my beautiful house, and mind where you fucking tread.”

Roger Moore and Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 3). Submitted by Matt, Martin Zatko and Andrew Banks. Corrected by Anonymous (Sarah?).

Blackburn: “Your name’s Pesci, which means, er, fish, doesn’t it? I was thinking, wouldn’t it be funny if you were a deep-sea diver or a fish trawler and your name was ‘Joe Fish’?” Pesci: “I’ve got funny: you’re six feet under… and you’re Tony Dead. Ha ha ha.”

Tony Blackburn and Joe Pesci at Michael Caine’s pool-opening party (series 2, episode 3(?)). Corrected by King Lawnmower.

Eileen Huggett

“I chased her round the street with a mop. I gave her a black eye with it and I got her in the groin—a real short sharp stab to both kidneys with my mop. She’s probably pissing blood now; I hope she is.”

Mrs Huggett (series 2, episode 4).

“I mean, what can you say when it’s a girl’s wedding? I mean you can’t say you look awful Kirsty, you look embarrassing.”

Mrs Huggett (series 2, episode 7).

“I will tell you all about the mysteries of the East: Leyton, Manor Park and Forest Gate.”

Mrs Maharishi Yoko Ono Huggett, with the Fab Four (series 2, episode 10).

“I know you don’t like killing women, Jimmy, but maybe it will help if I tell you she’s from Dorking.”

Mrs Huggett, to James Stewart (series 2, episode 2).

Jack Nicholson

“I can’t believe he emptied a bag of mange tout over her, I can’t believe he did that.”

Jack Nicholson (series 1, episode 1). Submitted by Matt.

“Keith, you’re so fucking out of it man anything looks like a pack of fucking Shreddies™ at this time of day, huh?”

Jack Nicholson (series 1, episode 1).

“Who’s Jimmy Hill?”

Jack Nicholson (series 1, episode 1).

“I'm a hard nosed cop from the wrong side of Glas-cow, I’m 100% Scotch.”
“Oooock Aye as they say in Glas-cow, you're one lying piece of shit.”

Jack Nicholson in Get Chisholm (series 2). Submitted by King Lawnmower.

“I’m going to have me a nice bowl of Shreddies.”

Jack Nicholson, to Mrs Huggett (series 2). Submitted by Tom Clifton.

“Rockery, Jesus Christ! This guy comes around here—he calls himself a landscape gardener—so he walks in with his wheelbarrow and charges me five hundred and seventy-five dollars for a bunch of rocks. You know what I call that? I call that a fuckery.”

Jack Nicholson (series 1, episode 3).

“See you on the other side, you goddam cracker-ass!”

Jack Nicholson, departing for Christmas (series 1 credits & episode 10).

“Hey, Rog, do you know the way to San Fucking Jose?”

Jack Nicholson. Submitted by Gary Williamson.

“I’d like to think of you exactly as what you are, a sad asshole in a diamond pringle.”

Jack Nicholson to Jack Flatley (series 2). Submitted by Mich Slater.

“You know, Michael Caine is to directing what Adolf Hitler was to race relations, you know what I'm saying!”

Jack Nicholson (series 2). Submitted by Nick Arran.

“Where’s Van Gogh? I’m gonna cut his other ear off.”

Jack Nicholson, about Hank Zootermelk, after he finds out about Sally.

“Oh no, the Devil’s Dandruff. Five hundred pounds of nose candy in the god-damn Bex Bissel.”

Jack Nicholson (series 1, episode 3). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

“Why don’t I stick a fucking grape on it, then string some fairy lights round it, and we’ll see if it lights up like the god damn fourth of July. How’s that for ya Dirk, huh? Now… whadda you want.”

Jack Nicholson. Submitted by Brendan Heading.

“I’m off to L A where I’ll be bird-doggin’ chicks and bangin’ beaver—ding dong merrily on fucking high, Rog.”

Jack Nicholson, to Roger Moore. Submitted by Catriona Weekes.

“I mean she came with the goddamn house, what am I to do… when in Rome.”

Jack Nicholson (series 2, episode 3). Submitted by Droog80.

Marlon Brando

“You lose the word probably and you never use it again.”

Marlon Brando (series 3, episode 1).

“There's no way you can leave anything around with a cockney around, there like roaches, they just move in, they shit on everything.”

Marlon Brando (series 3, episode 1).

Al Pacino

“Hoohar”

Al Pacino (various). Submitted by Nick Arran.

“Hurdy gurdy wurdy birdy”

Al Pacino (series 1, episode 1).

“I’ll never forget the time you leant me your hosepipe during the drought”

Al Pacino (series 1, episode 2).

“If God created man in his own image, did he a create a little hopping goldfish faced guy who talks like his head’s a bowling ball full of snot, or, and this is a big or, did he project his celestial being onto a dark haired brown eyed little Italian man who may have legs as short as a fucking hamster, but who every broad on the planet wants to dick?”

Al Pacino (series 1, episode 4).

“Find yourself the biggest marzipan, ding-dong, jingle bells, santa claus shit cake fuck you can lay your fucking hands on.”

Al Pacino, to Jimmy Hill (series 1, episode 9).

“I’ve got two words to say to you: Mars Attacks”

Al Pacino, to Jack Nicholson (series 2, episode 1).

“I’m a great fan of Ikea furniture. Had I not been the greatest actor in the world, I think I would have been the greatest carpenter.”

Al Pacino (series 2, episode 1).

“I know he’s going to Cricklewood.”

Al Pacino (series 2, episode 9). Submitted by Doug Smith.

“We got a little Huggett fund. We’re gonna bury her in her own garden, like she was a hamster.”

Al Pacino (series 2, episode 3).

“I thought Flushing was a bad name, but fucking Penge!”

Al Pacino (series 3, episode 6).

“You don’t need a career, I’m as rich as fuck.”

Al Pacino to Kirsty MacFadden (series 2, episode 5).

“Oh no, it’s Kirsty, she’s come back to me. I’d better get those magazines of off the coffee table; in fact, that’s not all I better get off the coffee table.”

Al Pacino (series 2, episode 6).

“To live, you have to lie.”

Al Pacino (series 2, episode 7).

“Hurdy gurdy wurdy burdy.”

Al Pacino (series 1).

“Awound the wagged wocks the wagged waskal wan.”

Al Pacino (series 1). Submitted by Steve Davis.

“I am close to the president… but only in the political sense.”

Al Pacino, to Len MacMonotony (series 1). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

“I may go with any woman I please, but if you so much as look at another man, I will shoot you dead, and the law will back me up on this.”

Al Pacino, to Kirsty MacFadden in his pre-nuptial agreement (which, incidentally, is not binding in English law) (series 2, only in 10 minute reedits).

“If I had to choose, and I do, between staying with those fucks, and sleeping in a pile of seaweed and seagull shit, in the rain, on the beach, then the beach wins.”

Al Pacino (series 3, episode 6).

Mick & Keith

“Where’s our Lemsip, I said where’s our Lemsip, we want our Lemsip and we want it now!”

Mick Jagger. Submitted by David Fergusson.

Mick: “What you doing drinking Mrs Huggett’s medicine? Here, you can’t have that, it’s a matter of life and death.” Keith: “All the best drugs are. Cheers.”

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards (series 1, episode 5 ish).

“’ere keef, ’ave you seen the price of these sausages?”

Mick Jagger.

“It’s not him, so it must be you.”

Keith Richards (series 2, episode 9).

“Well awright I am Ullrich von Schnittesplitt and I have come to do some determination on ya.”

Mick Jagger, acting in Get Chisholm (series 2). Submitted by Andy from Amsterdam.

“Here Mrs Huggett, taste the devil’s hoof.”

Keith Richards, about Jack Daniels (series 1, episode 6). Submitted by Mark Avis.

“Where’s that holy water that I ordered”

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.

“Horseradish, dried bananas, some suet, oh yeah, and I’ll have a catering box of Nesquick in case I’m caught short”

Mick Jagger (series 2, episode 9).

“I’ve never done a paper round before. It’s the distributerzzzz”

Keith Richards. Submitted by “Chord”.

“I’m too pissed to hear what you’re saying.”

Keith Richards (series 1, episode 3). Submitted by Rob.

Michael Caine: “’Ere, you could use some fancy goods here.”

Keith Richards: “No, we’ve got Jagger, man, that’s fancy enough.”

Keith Richards (series 1, episode 2). Submitted by Al “Hoo-har” Stokes.

“Ciao baby, forever—it has been fun. Oh, and when I say ‘fun’, I do of course mean ‘shit’.”

Keith Richards (series 2, episode 3 (?)). Submitted by Simon Turnill.

“Jack and fags, that’s all you need: if you can’t feed the five thousand you give them one hell of a party!”

Keith Richards (series 2, episode 3 (?)).

“I use to think I was mad.”
“Yeh, you used to think.”

Mick & Keith (series 1, episode 10).

John Hurt

“Oh, fucking hell.”

John Hurt (various, most).

“Why does alcohol always make you so depressed? I mean, you know, they’re always laughing in those beer ads aren’t they?”

John Hurt, to Hank Zootermelk (series 2, episode 4).

“Not the face, love.”

John Hurt (series 1, episode 10).

“My fucking arm’s broken.”

John Hurt (series 1, episode 10). Submitted by Tony Handley.

“Johnny fucking Walker that means I have to move again. I’m off down the pub.”

John Hurt (series 1, episode 9). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

“Caught you this time, love! Giving the gardener one, are we?”

John Hurt, to Dirk Bogarde. Submitted by Martin Zatko.

“I haven’t done this since I was in RADA.”

John Hurt, climbing out the window to avoid the landlord (series 2, episode 4). Relevant fact: John Sessions went to RADA.

“What’s the matter love? Parts drying up? One minute you’re hot, one minute you’re not.” Dirk: “And then one minute you’re dead.”

John Hurt and Dirk Bogarde (series 1). Submitted by Angela Kiernan (in part).

“Bores for Lancashire, that bastard. He’s like a talking hot-pot.”

John Hurt, of Jack Flatley. Submitted by Simon Turnill.

David Bowie

“Is it me or are you getting a little bit taller?”

David Bowie (series 1, episode 1).

“What’s all that about giant bumblebees?”

David Bowie, to Michael Caine (series 1, episode 1). 

“Quick, get an ambulance somebody! Ambulance! Ohhh. She’s dying.”

David Bowie (series 1, episode 6).

“Watch it son, watch it … boundaries … respect … oh!”

David Bowie (series 1). Submitted by Martin Zatko.

“Anyone got any cheesy footballs? I’m feeling a bit peckish.”

David Bowie. Submitted by David Fergusson.

“I’m not saying the tea was weak, but it could hardly crawl out of the pot.”

David Bowie (series 2, episode 4). Submitted by Clare Martin.

Jimmy Hill

“I’ve never taken lodgers in before, well, mind you, I never had my stomach pumped before last Thursday”

Jimmy Hill (Series 3, Epiosde 3).

“It is a good atmosphere here.”

Jimmy Hill (series 1, episode 1). Submitted by Steve Davis.

“Of course there’s always a little room for improvement you know—having said that—if there was a clear azure blue sky without a cloud in it you could say there was no room for improvement at all.”

Jimmy Hill (series 1, episode 2).

“And then I keep getting these dreams where I’m in a laundrette and Rodney Marsh is in a tumble drier and all I can see is Rodney’s face going round and round and round, and then it’s like I’m in this landscaped garden and this Victorian lady with this huge great big hat is there with a cup of tea and some sandwiches for me, but I never get them, and then I’m falling into this abyss, and Kenneth Kendall is at the bottom and he’s saying ‘come on, Jimmy’, but I never make it, it’s really strange….”

Jimmy Hill (series 1, episode 4). Submitted by Andrew Bond.

“I say, this plant’s coming on well… ooh, just smell those leaves. I’ll probably roll those up later and smoke them and see if it… alters my consciousness, ’cos I’m very keen on that sort of thing.”

Jimmy Hill (series 1, episode 2). Submitted by Simon Turnill.

“My mind is full of things. And not all of them are nice.”

Jimmy Hill (Series 3, Epiosde 3).

“Right, well if that’s everything, I’m off for a drink, off to see my, erm, nephew at the, erm, ice-rink, yes that’s it, huur. Bye.”

Jimmy Hill (series 1, episode 7). Submitted by Matt.

Jimmy Hill and the christmas turkey: “I appear to have a rather large fowl but it seems the referee hasn’t spotted it.”

Jimmy Hill, to Joe Pesci (series 1, episode 10). Submitted by Alec Robertson.

“Well fuck you copper!” [I’m going to ignore that] “Fuck you copper, fuck you copper, fuck you copper, fuck you copper… Wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank.”

Jimmy Hill and the policeman (series 1). Submitted by Rob Andrew.

“Lonely? Imagine if that were true.”

Jimmy Hill on having lodgers (series 3, episode 1).

“It’s amazing what tia-peppem-diazimpan can do to the system isn’t it. All my major organs failed you know.”

Jimmy Hill (Series 3, Epiosde 3).

Roger Moore

“I’ve had a suntan all my life.”

Roger Moore (series 1, episode 3). Submitted by Sandy Burns.

“You could always exchange it for a bath towell, but you may have to pay the difference.”

Roger Moore, to David Bowie (series 1, episode 10).

Pam and Gray Slurrey

Gray: “I hear you turned over a bit of porridge in Dagoland.” Pam: “Now come on Gray, if you want to know about that, read the Sunday papers.”

The Slurreys, to Mrs Huggett (series 2, episode 2). Submitted by Andrew Banks.

Pam: “I could have married Tony Jacklin.” Gray: “Fuck off Pam.”

The Slurreys, just before Michael Caine comes around (series 2, episode 3). Submitted by Paul Harrison. Incidentally, just after this quote, Gray walks off to answer the door, with Pam following, but when the door is answered, Pam is clearly there first!

Sir Dirk Bogarde

“Steady, Joe.”

Dirk Bogarde to Joe Pesci during Michael Caine’s Zulu party (series 1, episode 6). Submitted by Matt.

“What was that, you filthy beast?”

Dirk Bogarde (series 1, episode 2).

“It’s Cologne, you Cockney cow.”

Dirk Bogarde to Michael Caine, who comments on Sir Dirk’s perfume (series 1, episode 1). Submitted by Antonio de Luca.

Dean

“Cor close shave there Michael, nearly ran you right over! You could've change your name to Michael Flatley”

Dean to Michael Caine (series 3, episode1).

What they think of each other

“I just thought they were normal kind of fucking boring, you know, trailer park fucks.”

Joe Pesci, about the Slurreys (series 2, episode 1).

“She’s the kind of woman that makes a man want to be a homosexual.”

Al Pacino, about Pam Slurrey (series 2, episode 1).

“Roger fucking-knitting-pattern-Moore.”

Al Pacino (series 1, episode ?(Monopoly game)).

“She’s gonna be sent up Satan’s arse when she goes to eternal damnation in hell. Of that I have no doubt.”

Mrs Huggett, about Vera Chuff. (series 2, episode 2).

“You know what they say: a friend in need is a pain in the arse.”

Michael Caine, about Jack Flatley (series 2, episode 5).

“I received such billious victimisation from the characters on this street that any misfortune, however ghastly, that befalls them can only give me joy.”

Dirk Bogarde. (series 2, episode 1).

“Every time I see Marlon, I think Hindenburg”

Al Pacino (Series 3, Episode 3).

Special Guests

“I remember when I was working on Midnight Cowboy, and to get into character Ratso Rizzo, I lived in the drain for about a month, and thinking of it, that was five star.”

Dustin Hoffman, about Mrs Huggett’s house (series 2, episode 7).

“This is not a shop, it’s a monkey house. And look, there’s the monkey!”

Billy Easy, pointing to Keith (series 1, episode 6). Submitted by Rob Williams.

“Bog’s nice, it’s like a palace.”

David Essex (series 2, episode 1).

“I did ponder from time to time as to how I might meet my end, but being stapled to the door of a urinal in East Tumbridge never really enetered into the equation.”

Cyril (series 3, episode 6).

“You do that in Miami fella, and you get your queer arse lynched.”

Billy Easy (series 1, episode 3 (?)). Submitted by Robert Williams.

“Shut it you fat bastard.”

John Thaw to Jack Flatley (series 2, episode 8). Submitted by Matthew Davies.

“Hey, do you remember when we first came in this shop and told them they were fucking crap.”

John Lennon (series 2, episode 1).

“Could you bring it closer… I’m very jet-lagged.”

Marlon Brando, to Jimmy Hill (series 2, episode 5).