Dancing with the Stars kicks off with SIXTEEN couples!! (The my eyes, MY EYES!! episode)


Come on guys, do you really need that many couples. They barely even fit across your big huge stage!

Following in the footsteps of Project Runway, which kicked off this season with a show-high 16 designers, Dancing with the Stars kicked off Season 9 with 16 couples. Don't they realize I'm a busy person, and this ever-expanding contestant roster lengthens my recaps? Sheesh.

This week's three-night kick-off extravaganza included a night for the men to compete, a night for the women to compete and tonight's impending results show. All two hour long episodes.

Yes, 6 hours of my week. My devotion to reality talent shows is getting a bit ridiculous, what with Project Runway still having 11 weeks to go, So You Think You Can Dance just barely starting and Dancing with the Stars kicking off too. It's ridonkulous, who's with me?

So, since we all have places to go and people to tweet, let's get started with Monday, the Night of the Men:

First our eight couples performed either a Cha Cha Cha or a Foxtrot, then they did a "relay dance"...which really just means each couple did 30 seconds of some other dance, rather than a whole second routine. Normally I might complain about less of the actual dancing I watch the show for, but as mentioned above: tick tock tick tock.

1. The first couple out on the floor for Season 9 was former boy wonder singer Aaron Carter and Karina, who danced the Cha Cha Cha
I always calls 'em as sees 'em, and this boy is a ringer...just like Lance Bass and other similar pop singers have been. OK, maybe they haven't done ballroom or Latin dancing before, but they have rehearsed and learned dance routines, and they have learned to match their physical movement to the music, and they've usually already moved through the oh-I'm-shaking-my-hips-what will everyone think trepidation. So, sure enough, Aaron was very strong. Sharp. Good hip action and snappy extended arms. The worst you could say is that his posture needed some improvement. He should be safe.

2. Next came Ultimate Fighting Champion Chick Lidell and Anna T., who danced the Foxtrot
Chuck also had strength and sharpness, but no grace or musicality. Actually his biggest problem was that it was written all over his face that he was thinking real hard and desperately just trying to get through this. (Another advantage performers usually have is that they're used to blithely smiling through disaster!) Chuck wasn't the best out there, but he actually wasn't the worst, and the audience roots for a big hulk of a guy trying to pull off finesse. I think he's safe.

3. Iron Chef "actor" and martial arts dude Mark Dacascos is paired with Lacey, and they danced the Cha Cha Cha
Um, this has got to be one of the loosest definitions of "actor" around. I think he's paid to look seriously into the camera for the opening credits of Iron Chef America. Do I have that right? Anyway, as a martial artist, he also managed to project strength and sharpness. He also has good kicks and spins. Where he fell down a bit was on his footwork, he was very flat-footed. I don't think he's the most well-known "celebrity" in this group, but Gille Marini proved you don't have to be if you can pull of tall, dark, handsome and better-than-anyone-expected. Mark needs to work on all of the above, but I think he's safe for this week.

4. "Actor" and Famous Son Ashley Hamilton and Edyta danced the Foxtrot.

Again, I reference "actor" fairly dubiously, because I can't remember seeing him in anything, and even his IMDB profile is pretty spare. No matter, his bigger problem here is that while he cuts a fine figure on the dance floor being tall and lean and handsome, he is not a good dancer. Unlike all three previous guys who may have had flat feet here or middling posture there or slightly stiff arms over there, Ashley had all of the above. Plus a lack of that strength and sharpness the other guys displayed. I think he's at risk, big-time.

5. Entertainer Donny Osmond and Kym danced the Foxtrot
Oh yeah, another ringer. Now, did anyone else thing the intro shot of Donny holding up some confetti-spewing host at crotch level seemed oddly p0rny and weird? Just me, then? OK. Moving on. Listen, this guy is a performer with a capital 'P'. He was the only one who got out there and capture some character in his routine. He sold it from his eyebrows down to his toes, and he is one of those people who has already learned how to move well. Considering Marie came in third place and wasn't a cute boy? I call Donny to win the whole thing! (Unless he keeps over-exuberantly and vocally celebrating every compliment like he was Monday night...pipe down dude!)

6. Skateboarder Louie Vito and Chelsie danced the Foxtrot
I have no idea who this boy is, but he's kind of cute as a bug, don't you think? He's got a big old smile on his face, which distracts from his flat-footed Foxtrot. He and Chelsie make an adorable little couple, so despite the fact that probably nobody else watching has any idea who he is either, he's probably safe.

7. Footballer Michael Irvin and the other Anna danced the Cha Cha Cha
Yeah, Irvin, keep dreaming about catching up to Jerry Rice, 'cause it ain't never gonna happen!!! Sigh. I miss the NIners glory days :( (Although being unexpectedly undefeated this season might just bring me back to the remote on Sundays!) Back to the subject at hand: As long as Irvin was sort of on his own shaking his booty and mugging wildly, he was fine. But oh? You want him to actually get with his partner and dance? Yeah, we're going to have a problem with that, namely: This never-as-good-as-Rice wide receiver has gotten really slow on his feet. He seemed sluggish and unable to keep right up with the fast-paced Cha Cha Cha. Football players always do well on this show, yet I have to think Irvin (who didn't exactly have the noble image of an Emmitt Smith or a Jerry Rice) could buck the trend and be at risk.

8. Finally, former Republican Congressman Tom DeLay and Cheryl danced the Cha Cha Cha. To Wild Thing.
My eyes. MY EYES!!!!! I just didn't need to see whatever that was. (Which was...not much dancing, but a lot of posing and pretending to be Elvis.) Tell me, is it just because I think DeLay is a reptilian creep politically, or was it really unappealing. Anyway, no idea what the ideological make-up of the DWtS audience is, but I gotta think Tom may be going the way of Tucker Carlson!

The guys then did the following "relay dances":

On Salsa, in order of *my* ranking of them:
1. Donny and Kym
2. Louie and Chelsie
3. Chuck and Anna T.
4. Ashley and Edyta

The judges agreed with my rankings, and, again, things don't look good for Ashley.

On Viennese Waltz, in order of *my* ranking of them:
1. Aaron and Karina
2. Mark and Lacey
3. Tom and Cheryl
4. Michael and the other Anna

Yes, you might be surprised I didn't rank Tom last, but Michael seems really no suited to this competition. The judges, however, didn't agree with me on the order of that bottom two and had Michael 3rd and Tom in 4th.

Bottom Line: I think Tom and Ashley will be Bottom Two, and Ashley may be going home.

On to the ladies, who danced either the Salsa or the Viennese Waltz and relayed on the Cha Cha Cha and Foxtrot. Ooh. Symmetry.

1. Actress Debi Mazar and Maks kicked off with a Salsa
Debi looked pretty good, but always a bit mentally distracted. She was definitely thinking her way through the routine...hard. She has potential, but I feel like she might be one of those contestants who starts out OK, and never really develops. She didn't seem to have a great sense of musicality or rhythm. Still, I think she's safe for now.

2. Teen Witch Melissa Joan Hart and Mark danced the Viennese Waltz
This was a nice flowing routine, but it was also very simple. Compared to later Waltzes out of the gate, there was very little actual content. Melissa also needs to be taught how to spot when she turns. Eveyr time she had to turn or spin she wobbled out of it and looked a bit disoriented. I think she'll be safe this week, but go relatively early.

3. Singer Mya and Dmitry danced the Viennese Waltz
This was, on the other hand, really good. Quick, flowing, elegant and sweet...and didn't seem overly simple or easy. Mya is a ringer too, it's not just boy band refugees who can be ringers. She's uber-safe.

4. Model/Businesswoman Kathy Ireland and Tony danced the Salsa
Wow, they had this woman so curled and made up she looked like an entirely different person, and not in a good way. Now, given the rehearsal footage, where it was clear Kathy doesn't have a whole lot of rhythm or grace or musicality, her final routine performance was a lot better than I expected.Sure, she was behind the beat and looking at Tony's feet. Sure, she had no real shimmy or hip action. But she got through it without totally embarrassing herself. She did wig me out a bit by injecting the "All things are possible with God" reference...I think a first for DWtS (and Tony probably isn't used to being called that) but you know, good for her. Oh, she's still totally at risk, but good for her.

5. Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin and Alec danced the Salsa
This was a pretty erratic performance. Sometimes she looked just great and showed flashes of personality. Sometimes she got a very "I'm thinking real hard" look on her face and just barely made it through the next steps. I will say this: True to a swimmer, this woman has a beautiful back. I'm sure she's going to be in backless gowns every single week. Even when she does the Jive. Oh, and I think she's safe.

6. Singer Macy Gray and Jonathan danced the Viennese Waltz
Well, two things can happen here. People will think wow, it was a little better than I expected, and there's something fascinating about watching this totally tall and gawky (and surprisingly unmusical, for a singer) woman trying to get graceful on national TV. Or they're going to think wow, she cannot dance and does not seem cut out for this competition at all...let's put her out of her misery on national TV. I'm guessing the latter, although not necessarily this week.

7. Model Joanna Krupa and Derek danced the Salsa
This was actually really really good. Models are often oddly awkward and uncoordinated on this show (despite all the fancy walking to music they have to do in their day jobs) but Joanna has it going on. Great hip action, lively expression. All the transitions from segment to segment were rough, but this was definitely good enough to keep her safe.

8. Reality TV chick Kelly Osborne and Louis danced the Viennese Waltz
Well, I just thought this was lovely and adorable. 'nuff said.

The women then did the following "relay dances":

On Foxtrot, in order of *my* ranking of them:
1. Natalie and Alec
2. Joanna and Derek
3. Debi and Max
4. Kathy and Tony

The judges swapped my top two, placing Joanna first. (They probably don't want her to go the way of many supermodel contestants: early exit.)

On Cha Cha Cha, in order of *my* ranking of them:
1. Mya and Dmitry
2. Kelly and Louis
3. Melissa and Mark
4. Macy and Jonathan

Bottom Line: I think Macy and Kathy will be Bottom Two, and Kathy may be going home.

But, what did you think?

Posted: Wed - September 23, 2009 at 08:32 AM       EmailFeedback

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