A MommyBlogging post from a non-Mommy


Here's the test: would you say this to a friend, or even a stranger?

Long ago I worked for Weight Watchers as a meeting leader. I had a lot of stock stories, anecdotes and bon mots...because the same things tend to come up over and over. One of the most common of my standard replies was used whenever anyone launched into a self-critical diatribe about what losers they were and how weak and spineless and undisciplined they were. I would wait until they were done and ask them if they would ever, ever, tell a friend who came to them for support that they were a weak loser? Would they, for that matter, tell a stranger that? And if not, why on earth would they be so much crueler to themselves than to a stranger on the street?

It didn't necessarily instantly improve someone's self-esteem, but it did make them aware of the dire state their self-esteem was in!

What does this have to do with Mommies?

Actually it has to do with a Daddy I know.

Over 20 years ago I had a college boyfriend (CB). (Although we can argue whether "boyfriend" is the right word, given that I don't remember us doing much more than hanging out between classes, and then going to his apartment after school and fooling around...there was little actual "dating" that I recall.)

Anyway, CB went off to finish his last year in school down near L.A., which made sense since he wanted to be an actor. We have somehow managed to keep in touch over the years. CB found a new college sweetheart and got married pretty young and was, probably, the first of my contemporaries to buy a house and seem like a real-live adult. But this entire time he never found that "fall-back" job. he wanted to be an actor, and then he got into writing and directing, and that's what he did. He had survival jobs, and his wife became a teacher, and he never did what I and so many other wanna-be creatives did and found an alternate vocation.

When CB and his wife decided to have children they also made the specific decision that she would keep working, and that he would stay home with the kids...and write. I do think they underestimated how consuming child-rearing is, and how hard it would be for him to really focus on writing for the first 1, 2, 5, 10 years. Right now his children are about 6 and 3.

I recently called CB because I was heading down to L.A. for a meeting. Hadn't talked with him in several years. Being post-holidays, he had received my holiday newsletter in the mail (in fact 2 year's worth.) We talked for a while about what I was up to, and then of course I asked about him.

Well, that was a can of worms. He had finally converted his most successful play into a screenplay, but it had taken him way longer than he expected...a couple of years in fact. This basically set him off into a a self-deprecating, no let's say self-loathing, account of his loser life and his do-nothing existence, and his so-not-worthy endeavors.

I mean, wow.

So, I called on my old Weight Watchers skills and asked him: "CB, weren't you just saying that your kids were both doing really well? If your wife was a stay-at-home mom would you ever tell her she was doing nothing by staying home and raising your two children?"

Um, no. I didn't think so.

It's kind of complicated, I understand. He comes from a self-described blue-collar family, where his dad worked; his mom stayed home. His brother works; his sister-in-law stays home. But the fact is he would never say those things to another human being, male or female, that was raising children.

I gave him a little bit more of a pep talk...including the fact that I find being around children so exhausting because of the mental energy it requires, even more than the physical energy, and that I really don't know how parents do it.

But really the main message was simple: be as kind to yourself as you'd be to any other person on earth.

I think I helped a little. I think I made him step outside his own brain and see what he was doing to himself from an outsider's perspective. And I hope he manages to retain that little discovery for longer than the time it took him to hang up the phone.

Because everything I told him was true: as a non-parent, parents trip me out. I don't get how they can keep it together/ Parenthood seems really emotionally and physically and mentally demanding. I totally understand there are huge rewards. But you work for 'em people!

Okay?

Posted: Wed - February 8, 2006 at 12:55 PM       EmailFeedback

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