I thoroughly enjoyed your article on parenting during pregnancy, birth, and infancy, which I found on the APPPAH webpage. A childbirth educator for the past 10 years, I am always interested in finding new resources for the parents I work with. I was pleased to follow the link from the APPPAH page to your Parenting Process website.

I found the article, "Fathers Are Pregnant Too," to be both informative and useful. It's always nice to have additional information on how fathers' involvement helps babies, both short- and long-term. While I whole-heartedly agreed with 99.9% of the article, there was one section which I found a bit troubling.

The article mentions the benefits of having fathers involved in infant feeding, then goes on to suggest that if a mother is breastfeeding, she should be encouraged to pump her milk so that the baby's father can feed the baby with a bottle. As a mother of four, I'm all for involving fathers! However, with 82 months-and-still-going breastfeeding experience, as well as accreditation through an international organization for breastfeeding support/information, I know there are other, less intrusive ways to involve a dad in the breastfeeding relationship.

Since nipple confusion can be a problem with babies (drinking from a bottle is nothing like suckling from a breast, which requires much more effort on the part of the infant), and since being breastfed involves more than just getting fed, it can be preferable to instead suggest the following alternative.

The father of a breastfed baby can be part of the feeding experience by the simple expedient of seating himself next to the baby's mother during nursing sessions, preferably on the side which the baby is nursing. Wrapping his arm around the woman, he can see and interact with his baby as he or she nurses. When the baby is ready to switch sides, the father can switch as well, and continue the nonverbal dialogue. If the man prefers, he can sit behind the woman and hold both her and the baby for the feeding.

In my family's experience, and in the experience of the families I've worked with over the years, this method gets dads involved without the necessity of resorting to a bottle. (My husband adds, at this point, that he found the experience very relaxing: "A great way to unwind and lose the stresses of the workday." He says this helped him to better "gear down" and interact calmly with us, particularly after especially trying days at work.)

Unstressed by dealing with an unfamiliar technique (bottle nipple vs. human nipple... think about which you'd prefer, technique aside!), secure in familiar routine, comfortably enfolded by both parents' arms, babies are contented and happy. They're free to grin around the nipple, beaming up at their parents. They mimic facial expressions. Play games. Make prolonged eye contact with their fathers and mothers, studying their faces as if comparing and contrasting the two. "Pop off" to coo and laugh at Daddy's silly faces, leaving milk to dribble and leak down Mama's shirt. In short, they seem to experience the addition of Dad--- the breastfeeding duo made triad--- as a wonderful time, a fantastic enhancement to an already pretty great thing. Every baby I know vastly enjoys it.

In summation, I think babies enjoy and need both parents intimately involved in their care. I also think babies need the security of maintaining the breastfeeding relationship, without interferences that can be caused by introducing bottles. And I think fathers need to be encouraged to involve themselves in every way possible with their infants. The method above takes all three needs into consideration, and the closeness involved in (and engendered by) "triad feeding" benefits everyone!

Thanks for your efforts on behalf of children and their parents.

Eileen Sullivan Certified Childbirth Educator

I thoroughly enjoyed your book on parenting. I practice family law in Seattle, specializing in family law. I have made good use of the book by loaning my copy to clients. I found it particularly useful in my own parenting of my children. Of primary importance, the book makes the responsibility of parenting personal to me. I learned how my children set off unique and particular reactions that I have as a result of my own childhood experiences. Whenever I get the feelings which are so well portrayed in the book, I go through the process of restoring my presence and reacting to my children's needs using the ideas that you teach, namely mirroring and leading in such a way that the my children know they've been heard and seen. The book has helped me with my relationship with my children and has provided me the opportunity for my own, personal growth. The book combined with your seminar was an invaluable resource to me.

Warm regards,

MARK D. OLSON

We brought you and Tom to Southern Oregon about 3 years ago to present your Parenting Process workshop. I have often thought about what wonderful ways of communication I learned from you. The cognitive information as well as the experimental. I wished that I had this skill when my son was small and I was frazzled. He would have felt more heard by me and I would have nurtured more self esteem in him which would have automatically been instilled through my responses that I learned.

It was not in vein though and although my son was moved out and already 21. I have since incorporated the skills you taught and we have healed some of the hurts of the past and we communicate well now. He recently told me that I am the first one he thinks of when he needs to talk to someone because he knows I will hear him, not judge him nor tell him what to do. I still am planning on bringing him to a workshop with me if/when we can coordinate our schedule to fit the workshops. These skills are not only good for parenting but I find them useful in all communication with adults as well.

I thank you so much for these skills. I also use them frequently with my clients in my psychotherapy practice. They love what they learn and how it changes relationships for the positive.

Sincerely,

Blandine R. Leavitt, MA, LMFT Licensed Marriage, Family, Child Therapist

I am mother to a blended family: three young stepchildren (his), a hyperactive six-year-old (mine), and an infant (ours). With so many different dynamics in force (not even counting ex-spouses, in-laws, EX-in-laws, etc), I am always interested in hearing other parents' ideas on parenting and what has been a success for them. The idea of providing emotional security for children in a divorce situation is especially important to me, as have helplessly watched for four years as all four of the older children suffer the effects of post-divorce traumas, noncustodial parents' absences (physical and emotional), and most recently, a particularly nasty and destructive custody action brought against us by a bitter ex-wife for custody of the three stepchildren. At times it had seemed that the only steadying factor for any of us during the court battle was the bond the children felt with my husband and I because we had "been there" for them in the past. The idea of a discipline technique that preserved and even strengthened that bond really excited me!

The day before the workshop, we received an unnerving phone call, and my husband was further confounded as the day's events unfolded--my husband's firstborn, a nine-year-old daughter, had decided life with us was too difficult, and she was not coming home from visitation. At first, her mother refused to let anyone speak to her and expected us to deliver her clothes, toys, etc, as soon as possible. Consider that eight months earlier we had concluded the court action confirming custody to my husband, much to his daughter's relief, and that her visitation time was supposedly filled with manipulation, guilt trips, and hurt feelings because of daughter's decision to remain with father. Add in visits to a therapist for the young girl to work out in confidence her divided loyalties, and other visits for my husband and I, to help us from unintentionally pressuring her. Top off with our offers to work out whatever was necessary so she could try living with her mother and her emphatic assurances she wished to stay with us despite her mom's pressure to have her go there to live. Late that evening, my husband met alone with his ex-wife and daughter for a very emotional confrontation about issues ranging from the daughter's change of heart, to the past bitterness of their separation and divorce several years earlier. The morning of the workshop dawned with my husband emotionally drained and numb with shock. The girl held fast to her decision to leave, though she did admit her negative comments about our home were not as important or valid as she initially claimed. My husband agreed to drive me to Venice under pressure, but refused to join in the workshop or even to go in to meet Eileen or Tom. I understood his anger and frustration. We wanted to learn about couples reconciling joint custody situations amiably so children, despite divorce, would have the best of both parents; we hoped there would be useful information for us on handling his hostile ex-wife. We had thought we had a handle on the situation, and it blew up in our face. I too was shaken, but wanted to attend if only for my son and baby's sake if for my husband's ambivalence became more apparent as he did come--just for coffee, and then decided to stay--just till a break. As Tom and Eileen explained the foundation to their theory, I could feel both of us relaxing and relating the information to our own childhoods as well as our children's. The terms used are well defined and easily understood with the explanations and examples provided. One hour blended to the next as the group got to know each other, and began practicing the Parenting Process techniques. What fun to become our children and let Eileen and Tom handle those frustrating parents' roles. My husband and I saw each of our children in the different examples offered by the group. We observed other couples trying to coordinate joint custody discipline. We shared our own childhood memories and worked on self-discovery of ourselves as people, and how it relates to who we are as parents. We even discovered we could use the Parenting Process techniques to deal with each other! This one point alone made the day's workshop invaluable for us. Eileen's and Tom's guidance at that crucial point, I believe, could very well have saved our marriage.

The first court action had very nearly destroyed our relationship, and although our marriage was once again strong, we still were working out some issues. The daughter's actions raised new issues or revitalized old ones, evoking very strong emotions (anger, guilt, sadness, etc) that could have easily led to accusations and blame against each other. At the workshop we learned a new way to deal with these issues and be emotionally safe with each other. In the end, our marriage became even stronger than before! Using Parenting Process techniques, we salvaged our relationship with his daughter, proving to her by our actions that, despite her lies and our disappointment, we--OUR LOVE-could be trusted. Because we are more secure emotionally, and the daughter is feeling secure as well, a volatile situation has calmed down and been resolved out of court.

Due to the introduction of the Parenting Process in our lives, all the children, always described as loving and happy kids while with us, seem more comfortable in their lives. As for our newest arrival, soon to be one year old, we foresee a wonderful future. Thank-you Eileen and Tom!

Elizabeth A. Buehler-Miller

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you both for attending our staff meeting last week and especially for your presentation on "I'll Never Do To My Kids What My Parents Did To Me."

My staff and I found your presentation and information very informative. We will be glad to refer any potential clients to you. Looking forward to working together again in the future.

Sincerely, Helen Reid, L.C.S.W. Clinical Coordinator