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WHAT
I WANT
By Duane
Cottrell
September
2003
For the
past few years I have spent a great deal of time and energy as a church planter
trying to figure out what was keeping people away from church. What is it that
people want in a church, after all? Ironically, having been "out of
church" for the past nine months or so, I find myself asking what keeps me
away from church. What do I really want? Here's my short-answer list:
1. To be
anonymous.
I don't
want to go to a church in someone's living room. I don't want to be in a small
group. All I want is to go sit in the back of a big church where no one will
notice me unless I want to be noticed. I still feel too wounded and vulnerable
to bear it all to strangers.
2. To be
catholic.
This is
not a theological statement, but a practical one. I want ritual and sacrament
and meaning and depth in worship. Not slide shows, hand clapping and praise
teams. I've visited so many different churches over the past few months, and I
have been completely surprised at how I connect with the rich symbolism in the
Mass.
3. To
worship.
At one
point in my life, I was able to feel God's presence through musical worship. I
want to stand in a crowd of hundreds of other people, all singing the songs I
know and love. I want to sing from my heart and feel emotion again. I don't
know if I've changed or what, but it has been literally years since this
happened.
4. To be
understood.
I don't
want to have to explain why I haven't been in church for almost a year, and I
don't want to be interrogated about my past. I want to be accepted and embraced
where I am spiritually by people who have been there and know what I'm talking
about. I want to find a group of people who will walk beside me, ask the same
questions I ask, have the same struggles I have, and simply love me.
5. NOT
to be held accountable.
Most
people's idea of accountability is rattling off a list of questions relating to
your personal habits. But the truth is that by strict definition of the word,
you simply cannot hold someone accountable for something over which you have no
authority. I do not want to "give a report" of what I have been doing
spiritually. HOWEVER, I do want someone to have an interest in me and my
spiritual life that is genuine, unselfish, and for no other reason except that
they love me (as of now, countless people have asked me where I am attending
church...not a single one has asked how I am doing spiritually. When I DO admit
I'm not attending because I am burnt out, all I get is encouragement to go back
to church, or an invitation to try their church.)
6. To
not have to hide any more.
I am a
former pastor and professional minister, who doesn't pray, read his bible or
attend church, but I can't be honest about that. I don't tell new people I meet
that I used to be a pastor, and I avoid people who already know. I just want it
to be okay to be frustrated and angry and to want answers to my questions. I
don't want advice, and I don't want the hidden condemnation I feel everyday
(whether real or perceived).
7. For someone
to explain to me why my life would be better because I got up early on one of
only two days off each week and spent a couple of hours at church.
To date,
I have not found a church that will fulfill all of these, although I have found
many who think they can. Of course, I realize these are just "wants"
based on my emotional state right now, and not necessarily real needs. They are
not meant to paint an accurate picture of what the church ought to be. They are
simply my list of demands. Oh, I almost forgot the last one.
8. A
getaway car.