Namely, child molestation. Glancing over a recent Dear Prudence column in the local paper, I encountered the most astonishing exchange.

A grandpa writes in who has a stepdaughter and some stepgrandchildren. The youngest of these told her mom (his stepdaughter) that he had pulled down her pants while they were visiting. As there were no other witnesses, the stepdaughter has now disowned him and his wife and has spread the accusation that he is a pedophile far and wide. It is true, he admits, that he tugged at the hem of her shorts during horseplay, but that it was completely innocent. He wonders what he can do when falsely accused like this.

Prudie’s response dropped my jaw. She tells him that his “best bet would be to find the appropriate legal or mental health professional” to put him through a “battery of tests” showing whether he has any “pedophiliac inclinations”. Assuming he gets a clean bill of health, there’s a chance, she says, that the rest of the family could be convinced it was a “foolish, though innocent, lapse of judgment.” She wraps up by counseling him to ensure that he’s always in a group in family gatherings henceforth.

Holy Salem witch trials, Batman! And the younger your accuser, the less articulate they are and the less able to make distinctions, the more trouble you’ll land in. I’ve got nothing to say to Dear Prudence. This situation wasn’t her idea; she’s just the mouthpiece. Reread the situation and insert any other crime you can imagine in place of it; would her response be the same, do you think?

Nevertheless there is some valuable advice for men in this column. Namely, that in order to avoid the possibility of the suburban KGB from hauling you off to the Filthy Monster Gulag, the practice of pedophobia is recommended:

1. Do not play with children.

2. Do not talk to children.

3. Do not look at children.

4. If a child should come near you, flee. Do not make eye contact. Do not respond. See a well-lighted, populated place and do not leave until accompanied by a witness. Call the police. They will know what to do with the child.

In short, behave like the monsters in the movie Monsters, Inc.—as a male, you are already regarded by society as half a monster anyway; by following the practice of pedophobia outlined above perhaps you can avoid being permanently labeled as a complete monster.