Marriage
Marriage According to God
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Two-thirds of the way through the fifth chapter of Paul's letter to the church in Ephesus, the apostle begins to instruct believers regarding the divine perspective of marriage. Over the course of a paragraph or two, we are given a mysteriously profound understanding of the Church's relationship with Christ and a profoundly practical understanding of the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. In this series of posts, I will focus on the latter, i.e. the instructions for men and women and their marriages. We will not confine ourselves to the teaching of Ephesians, but we will begin here and linger for quite awhile because of its rich content and foundational principles.
Some entries will consider general truths about marriage, others will be directed toward one spouse or the other. It will be clear when instruction is gender-specific, but I am not suggesting that a husband should be ignorant of the Lord's expectations of his wife or vice versa. Rather, I encourage both men and women to learn their own place in marriage as it relates and complements that of their spouse. Husbands and wives are two persons united to form one flesh, a union that fits together more easily when they each perceive where the edges line up and are working toward forming the same picture.
I have given the name Marriage from the Divine Perspective to this category of blogs. It is important to remember that marriage is not a human invention and its purpose is not derived from cultural conventions. Much less is it the product of evolution as though it were stumbled upon by our great, great, grand-apes as a helpful way to propogate the species, but which may eventually come to the end of its usefulness and be terminated. Marriage is God's doing. From the very first man and woman, marriage has been part of the human purpose and experience because God wanted it that way. And since it is His creation, He gets to set its rules, draw its boundaries, establish its goals, deterimine its objectives, and define its terms. God, not the U.S. Supreme Court, nor the N.O.W., nor Time Magazine, gets to explain what marriage ought or ought not to be. God, not psychology, nor biology, nor sociology, determines the roles, responsibilities, and needs of husbands and wives. Marriage belongs to God and must be enjoyed according to His perspective.
I can say from firsthand knowledge that when I live like a husband as the Scripture describes it and when Krista strives to be a biblical wife, we participate in the most delightfully sublime human relationship imaginable. I am persuaded that there is no experience which brings such abundant joy as when a man and his wife live as one: mind, heart, soul, and body. May the Lord grant us to achieve this more and more as we consider His perspective of the union of man and his wife.
Setting the Stage
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
The "marriage section" of Ephesians 5 is not an isolated chapter disassociated from the rest of the letter. It is like a river flowing naturally and smoothly from its source.
We might sum up the first chapter using the apostle's words in verse 18 which speak of the hope of God's calling, the glory of His inheritance, and His surpassing power toward believers. Paul emphatically wants the church to know these things, not merely intellectually, but experientially. He wants us to feel it in our bones.
Chapter two expands these themes by reminding the Gentile Church that no one's salvation, neither the Jews nor their own, is a reward for good behavior. Rather, it is freely and graciously granted as a gift from God simply because He wants to show the prodigality of His kindness. God had a desire to put on a show which would boggle the mind, a show displaying His overflowing generosity, a show which would climax by raising dead men to life. Gentiles are further encouraged to believe that they are in no wise inferior recipients of this generosity than are the Jews. Indeed, there no longer remains a distinction. By being united to Christ, Jews and Gentiles are united to each other, and together form the new House of God which is made up of all who are in Christ, Jewish or not.
This inclusion of the Gentiles into the inheritance of God was a mystery which was present, but hidden, in the Old Covenant Scriptures; the apostles in general and Paul in particular were given the divine assignment of taking that good news to all nations thereby calling Gentiles into the family of God. This is the primary focus of chapter three, the conclusion of which finds Paul praying that these former pagans would gain a deep-rooted apprehension of the excessive and extensive love of God.
In chapter four, we learn that there is an appropriate response to this kind of lavish love and a proper pattern of behavior for those who are privileged to be members of the household of Christ. If you are going to name the name of Christ, your conduct had better be worthy of Him. The story is told of a soldier in the army of Alexander the Great who had been brought before the exalted conqueror after a particular act of cowardice. His name also happened to be Alexander. When he stood before his commander to give an account, the great warrior thundered down to him, "Change your conduct or change your name!" That is a fit description of the remaining chapters of Ephesians. Christians are called upon to bring our actions in line with the Name we claim. And as we shall see, there are specific ways for husbands and wives to reflect the name of Christ.
Chapter five continues to present the characteristics befitting the children of God. We will begin our descent to the teaching on marriage by picking up at verse 17, where we are commanded not to be fools. This is not merely advice, it is imperative. Because the days are evil (v16) Christians must not allow themselves to be undiscerning. Folly is what we must not do; understanding Christ's desire is what we must do. Christ does not desire us to be consumed with alcohol (or any other chemicals) because that is a tremendous waste. (It should tell us something about the perspective of our culture when 'getting wasted' is an approved term used to describe a common weekly pursuit of many people). He does desire us to be consumed with something, or better, someone--the Holy Spirit. And in contrast to the wastefulness and debauchery to which excessive wine leads, Christians ought to be frequently engaged in the activities which reveal and replenish the soul--singing to the Lord and declaring our thanks for His manifold benefits and blessings (v20).
Which brings us to the discussion of marriage. Now right here at the beginning of the subject, the Bible student could set the wrong course and end up thinking he has arrived in Vale only to discover that he has actually lugged his skis to Orlando. The difficulty stems from the phrase 'be subject to one another'.
When Paul gives the injunction, 'Be filled with the Spirit,' he then presents a series of participial phrases which describe the people he has in mind. We could paraphrase (and truncate) these verses like this, "You--who speak to each other in song, who sing in your hearts, who give thanks for all things, and who submit to one another--be filled with the Spirit." Submitting to each other is one of the four clauses used to modify his audience. But the real danger comes when we skew the relationship between 21 and 22. The last clause 'you who submit to one another' can be easily misunderstood. Paul is not making a general statement about mutual universal submission, but is setting up a very specific set of relationships in which one party is in subjection to another without the reverse being true. In other words, he first makes the broad declaration about submission and then follows with who should obey whom: Children should submit to parents, not parents to children (6:1-2). Slaves should submit to masters, not masters to slaves (6:5-8). And wives should submit to husbands, not husbands to wives (5:22-33). The authorative parties in each of these relationships--parents, masters, and husbands--are not told to submit or obey those under their charge. But they are told how to handle their positions of power in a way that will please Christ: Fathers must be careful not to provoke their children to the point of anger. Masters should not lord it over their servants, nor depress them with the constant threat of punishment, and they should remember all the while that they, too, are in subjection to a Master who is not particularly impressed with their social status. And closer to home for this study, husbands are ordered to love their wives consistent with the love Christ has for His bride.
So we see that although clear lines of authority have been drawn, there remains a significant responsibility on all parties to walk worthy of their calling in Christ Jesus.
Husbands, It's Time to Get to Work
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
. . . submitting to one another in the fear of the Messiah: wives to your own husbands, as to the Lord because the husband is the head of the wife as also the Messiah is the head of the Church, Himself the deliverer of the body. Rather, as the Church submits to the Messiah, so also wives to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives just as the Messiah loved the Church and handed Himself over in behalf of Her, in order that He could separate Her, He who purified her with a bath of water in word, in order that He Himself could present an honorable Church to Himself, having no stain or wrinkle or any such thing; rather in order that She could be set apart and blameless. Husbands are obligated to love their own wives in this manner, as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself because no one, at any time, hated his own flesh; but rather, he rears and warms it, just as also the Messiah the Church because we are limbs of His body.
"For the sake of this a man will leave behind father and mother and will be glued to his wife, and the two will be one flesh."
This mystery is profound, and I myself am speaking for the Messiah and for the Church. Only you also, according to each one, love your own wife as yourself, and the wife in order to fear the husband (Ephesians 5:21-33)
(For husbands)
When a man becomes a husband, he takes on a prodigious responsibility before God. He stands in a similar relationship to his wife that Jesus does to the Church. What Christ is to all believers, a husband is to his particular wife. That is what the little, seemingly insignificant, word 'as' brings to the table. The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church. It means 'in a similar way or manner'. What does male headship look like? It looks like Jesus.
It seems that whenever the headship of husbands is brought up, the topic immediately shifts to what wives are not permitted to do or to be. However, before we discuss the roles of wives, I want us to be clear on what headship means for the man. Being the head of a woman is primarily concerned with what a husband must be and do. Men, the standard is extremely high for us. Christ Himself is our role model.
Consider how Christ exercises headship over the Church. The first description of Christ's headship is that He saved or delivered or rescued His body, the body being the Church. Husbands, we must regard our wives as our own bodies. Indeed, that is precisely the imagery used throughout this text. The man who loves his wife loves himself because she is one with him. This is the one flesh metaphor; she is his body. I should think of my wife Krista as 'the body of Doug'.
What did Christ do for His body? He rescued it from destruction; He died on the cross to atone for its sins; He separated it from every other body; He cleaned it up and gave it a bath to wash away the filth. Christ's goal for His body is that when He is finished with this purifying process, He will have a form that is flawless-- no mars, no nicks, no imperfections whatsoever.
After affirming all of these things, the apostle then says, "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies." 'So' is another little word with huge ramifications. In the 'same manner' that Christ loves His body, men ought to love theirs. That is, men should observe how Jesus treats His wife, and treat theirs in the same way. His goals for His wife must be our goals for our wives.
Now, obviously there is a limit to the analogy. I cannot atone for my wife's sins. It would not do her any good for me to hang on a cross because I am not a worthy sacrifice; I myself am in need of atonement, much less then could I redeem her (not to mention that fact that the eternal, perfect atonement has already been made). Nor can I autonomously and independently sanctify her, or perfect her. However, by the grace of God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I must try. That is my God-given responsibility for my wife. It is my privilege and duty to see to it that Krista becomes a clean, spotless, wrinkle-free, unique, faultless woman who brings glory to Christ by being my glory (1 Cor. 11:7). I must immerse her in the gospel of Jesus Christ, I must do it. I must be working toward the end of presenting her to myself as a perfect bride, as Christ does with His Bride.
Part of this mystery is that my bride is also Christ's Bride. This is a good thing since I do not possess the ability to effect the kind of change in my wife necessary to make her perfect. But Christ does. We might imagine it like this. My wife is my garden. (Solomon called her that, but in an enticingly different context. We'll get to that later.) It is my responsibility to make it beautiful and fruitful, so I give it water and nutrients; I clear out the weeds and rodents; I cover it and protect it from the elements; I make sure it gets plenty of sunlight; I do whatever it takes to make it a wonderful garden. However, I don't control the rainfall or the sunshine. Ultimately, I do not have the wherewithall to make it a beautiful and fruitful garden; and so I depend upon Krista's other Husband, who happens to be the Lord of all creation, to do it. But it is still my responsibility. I do my part and He does His with the understanding that my part will produce nothing unless His power, His wisdom, and His will are at work in my part. I should take it upon myself to bring my wife to holiness, and yet I should not receive any glory if she makes it because in the final analysis it was Christ's enabling power that brought it to pass. I can turn on the hose, but Christ makes and distributes the water. And He is the one who causes the plant to grow. All glory to Christ! (Yet, I must work.)
Take this as an example. If I notice in Krista an attraction to gossip (which I do not, by the way), I should think to myself, I've got work to do. Now, if I were a young husband who just heard the preacher say that I am the head of my wife, I might simply point out her sin and demand that she quit immediately. But after many years of marriage, I've discovered that cloth is a better option for removing a smudge on the upholstery than sandpaper. My goal is to eliminate the gossip, but my approach should be like that of Christ--gentle, gracious, and patient, yet intentional. Before anything else, I should take the matter before Christ and seek His help for me and her. It also might be prudent to seek the input of a few godly men who are a little further down the marriage path than me. I should consider several ways to address the issue. Would a mentor be helpful? Does she have a solid grasp on what gossip is and why it is sinful? Are there good books that may help? Should I simply lay out directly what I have observed and express my concerns (being sure that it is expressed lovingly and kindly)? Whatever route I take, I need to take great care that my desire is not to exercise headship, but to see my wife move closer to the destination of righteousness that will please Christ (and me, of course). Again, when I see a flaw in Krista I must not think, How can she be like that? but rather, It's time to get to work.
Was Rahab Filled with the Holy Spirit? How about Boaz?
Category: Recommendations and Reviews
[Book Review: God's Indwelling Presence by James M. Hamilton, Jr.]
Did the Holy Spirit work in the hearts and lives of people under the Old Covenant in the same way as He does in the New Covenant? Were they regenerated by the Holy Spirit? Were they filled with the Holy Spirit? What, if anything, changed after the resurrection of Christ with respect to the Holy Spirit? Those are the questions this book seeks to answer.
Maybe it has never occurred to you to make this inquiry, but its answer has been debated in the academic community for some time and more strenuously since the advent of the domination of Dispensational theology in the last century. Anyone who understands the differing assumptions between dispensationalists and covenant theologians will recognize how disparate their conclusions are regarding this question. Unfortunately, in both camps their conclusions too often arise from their presuppositions rather than from their exegesis because their understanding of the Israel/Church relationship and the Old Covenant/New Covenant relationship require a certain answer to the question. So far (through chapter 3) Hamiliton has not argued for either presupposition, but has endeavored to explore the pertinent biblical passages. I like that.
Brief Summary of Chapters 1 & 2:
The first chapter is basically a statement of the question, a description of the approach that the author will be taking, and a preview of what the following chapters will cover. The second chapter reviews and summarizes the six positions held by various Christian thinkers with regard to the question. At the end of the chapter, Hamilton includes a helpful chart with the positions, a description, and major players throughout Church history, including the modern day, who have held each.
Chapter 3
This is where the book begins to pick up steam. The chapter title discloses Hamilton's position--Not In But With In the Old Testament (emphasis mine). The two prepositions in and with make all the difference. Hamilton argues that under the Old Covenant, the Scripture speaks of the Holy Spirit as being with individuals for particular purposes as God desires, but that He does not take up permanent residence in them.
"The burden of this chapter is to show that the Old Testament does not indicate that each individual member of the old covenant remnant was indwelt by the Holy Spirit" (p. 25).
The distinction Hamilton is going to make is that there is a difference between the Holy Spirit's work of regeneration and indwelling; the former is true of all believers at all times, but the latter is restricted to, and withheld until, the New Covenant. Put simply, the believers of the Old Covenant were granted new birth (and, consequently, faith) by the Holy Spirit, but they were not granted His ongoing, internal sanctifying presence. Rather, they were sanctified as the Holy Spirit dwelt among them in the temple (for example). God's presence "with His people had a sanctifying effect on them" (p.25).
He goes on to argue that it was the kingly and prophet types who were individually indwelt by the Spirit (as opposed to all Jews being indwelt individually), and that even for them the indwelling was not necessarily permanent. Several examples of the "Spirit's extraordinary relationship to certain Old Testament saints" (p. 26) are given: Joseph (Gen. 41:28), Moses (Num. 11:14f.), Joshua (Num. 27:18), Othniel (Judg. 3:10), Gideon (Judg. 6:34), and Samson (Judg. 13:25; 14:6,19; 15:14).
King Saul makes for an important example because he is empowered personally by the Spirit on more than one occasion (1 Sam. 10:6; 11:6), implying that the initial occasion was not permanent. Furthermore, we find an evil spirit from God indwelling Saul (1 Sam. 18:10) and the assertion of the prophet Samuel that God's Spirit had left Saul (1 Sam. 16:14). This coming and going of the Spirit would seem to indicate that no perpetual indwelling was occurring.
David was empowered by the Spirit of God (1 Sam. 16:13) and later prayed "Do not take your Holy Spirit from me" (Ps. 51:11). This request implies that David realized that a vacancy such as Saul experienced was possible (maybe even probable given his overt sin).
Various prophets are given as examples of those in whom the Spirit was working internally, and then a comparison is drawn between them and Joel's prediction of "a future outpouring of the Spirit in terms of a universal gift of prophecy" (p. 34) on all believers. The contrast between the OT selective indwelling of prophets/leaders with the NT universal experience of prophecy seems to argue for Hamilton's point. Only key players were indwelt under the Old Covenant, but under the New Covenant all players are His dwelling place.
This point is further made when comparing the Old Covenant temple with the promises of the New Covenant. God dwelled among His people in the tabernacle/temple. The tabernacle/temple was the center of all Jewish worship and polity because the presence of God was manifest there, as was His Law--the Ten Commandments. But the prophets foretold of a time when God's Law would be written, not on stone tablets, but on the hearts of His people (Jer. 31:31f., implying that they were not currently written on hearts). And instruction in the knowledge of Yahweh would no longer be necessary, thus rendering the unique priesthood obsolete. And, iniquity would be forgiven, thus eliminating the repeated sacrifices. This all would take place under the New Covenant that God would make with Israel.
Parallel to these promises is the prophecy of Ezekiel 36, where God promises a "new heart" and a "new spirit" to His people (v. 26). Hamilton argues that this is not indwelling, but new birth.
"The 'new spirit' is not Yahweh's Spirit being placed in each individual restored Israelite [sic]. Rather, God will grant a new heart and a new attitude to the people . . . we are not far from the circumcision of the heart, which can be likened to regeneration" (p. 53).
It is the next verse (v. 27) that speaks of indwelling, where God declares that
He will put His Spirit "within you." Thus the dwelling of God moves from the tabernacle/temple of the Old Covenant to the individual believer under the New Covenant.
One last quote from Hamilton in which he makes an important clarification.
"Those who agree that all people are dead in trespasses and sins (Eph 2:1) will agree that anyone who exercises faith in God must have been lifted by God out of that dead and unresponsive condition. The Gospel of John treats this enabling as a new birth from above. I will argue below that this ministry is not limited to the new covenant . . . [b]y contrast, John limits the reception of the Spirit to the age after Jesus is glorified" (p. 54).
So, the author is establishing that 1) Neither the OT nor the NT describe the Spirit of God as indwelling every individual under the Old Covenant, 2) the OT specifically mentions the Spirit's coming upon, and leaving of, individuals under the Old Covenant, 3) the Spirit is only described as indwelling leaders and prophets under the Old Covenant (rather than all people), 4) the prophets foretold of a time when the Spirit would be poured out upon and indwell all of God's people, and 5) the NT presents the indwelling of the Spirit upon all believers as a new, and New Covenant, blessing (which will be explained further in the coming chapters). Thus far, Dr. Hamilton's case is pretty convincing.
Men Love Your Body
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Husbands are obligated to love their own wives in this manner, as their own bodies. (Eph. 5:28)
(For husbands)
Men, let's face it, we love our bodies. I don't mean that we all love the shape of our bodies, I mean we show love to our bodies. We give our bodies what they want. When I get up in the morning, my body wants a cup of coffee (or two). It gets coffee. When I pass by a Dairy Queen, my body wants a medium Reese's Peanut Butter Cup blizzard (okay, maybe a large). And often I give it what it wants (too often?). And when it wants to stretch out on the sofa with a cup of iced tea and a good book, that's where I put it.
Then there are those guys who care more for the look and health of their bodies. They show love to their flesh by limiting its intake to fruits and vegetables. And chicken. They spend hours each week jogging and pumping iron. They pay for vitamin supplements and protein shakes. They take good care of themselves, trying to avoid health problems, obesity, and the like.
When a man's body wants to go for a walk, on the golf course, he goes. When it wants to sit in the easy chair and watch football, he sits. When it wants to have a piece of blackberry cobbler, he eats. When it wants to eliminate fatty foods in order to lean up, he diets. When it wants to get out of the sun, he sits in the shade. We men strive to please ourselves, and that's a fact.
The Scripture instructs us that in the same way that we make the choices that are most pleasing to our bodies, we are to make choices that most please our wives. Now there is some qualification to this command, which we will consider later, however, for the moment we need to grasp the principle--Our wives should never receive less devotion than our bodies; a righteous husband does not treat himself better than he treats his wife.
Here is a very practical example of how this works in everyday life. When a man calls another man, he expects to be listened to attentively. He desires to be treated as though it is not a burden for the listener to engage in conversation with him. He will be (rightfully) offended if it becomes obvious that the party on the other end is giving his attention to someone or something else. It's never a good thing to be talking and hear the rapid clicking of a keyboard in the background interspersed with various combinations of, "Uh huh," "Mmm," "I see," or "Of course." (Especially when you've just asked a question requiring a detailed answer.) When that kind of thing takes place, a man is irked, at the very least. And yet, that same man will go home to his wife and watch TV, read the paper, surf the internet, or stare off into space all while his wife is talking to him. This should never happen. We are insulted when others do such things to us, therefore, we should not do them to our wife. When we do, we fail to treat our wife as our own body.
To extend this example a little further (and a little closer to your toes), allow me to say this. I had lunch today with a man who makes it a regular practice to call and talk to his wife during his daily breaks. Recently, another man inquired as to where he goes all the time, and my friend replied that he calls his wife. The inquirer then responded by saying, "Hmmm, I've never had a wife who was worth my break time." (Doesn't leave much to the imagination as to why he has had more than one wife. Somebody warn the next one before it's too late!) Still, even for men who do love their wife, the temptation to treat her words (and therefore her person) as insignificant is strong. She calls on the phone and he wants her to get to the point quickly because he's got stuff to do. More important stuff. Now let's think about that. Your wife-- the woman who has given herself, mind, body, and soul, to you, whom you have promised to love and adore "'til death do you part," who is one flesh with you, whom you were so enraptured by on your wedding day--calls, and you want her to hurry up so you can get back to your computer screen. Or more likely, you never took your eyes off your computer screen; you just wish she would hang up so you can use both hands on the keyboard.
A man would never tolerate being "listened to" the way we often listen to our wives; we expect far greater treatment for ourselves. But sadly we often fail to perceive the lack of attention we give to our bride. We regard her calls or discussions as a bother (a message she hears loud and clear) without being conscious of it (more likely, without admitting it to ourselves). But here's a hint. Whenever a man wonders if his wife will ever stop talking or ever say something really worth listening to or ever stop to consider how much he has to do and maybe back off for awhile, he is treating her with contempt. He is sinning against her and deeming her as inferior to himself. If she treated him that way, he would be humiliated. Guess what, guys, so does she. She's your body, your own self; so treat her accordingly. It's the command of sacred Scripture.
Men's Ministry Notes
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective
For the men who were at the Men's Ministry breakfast today, and those who plan to come but didn't make it this morning, the notes are available at the new link over there on the left side under "Downloads" called Marriage Matters. If you missed this morning and have any questions about what we covered, I would be happy to discuss it with you. In particular, look at the homework assignment near the end of the slides. I expect every one of you to do it.
(NOTE: Wives, don't go snooping.)
Paul and Headship
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
"Anyone who comes away from a careful reading of the apostle Paul's teaching on marriage with the idea that the husband is "the boss" and the wife is "the slave" is someone not to be trusted with any text." [Douglas Wilson, For a Glory and a Covering, p. 8]
The Purpose(s) of Marriage
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective
Marriage was not man's idea, it was God's. We didn't invent it, and it is not ours to adjust until it suits our desires. Our understanding and practice of marriage ought to be patterned after the intentions of the One who designed it. Our "I do!" must conform to His, "You will!" This is not to say that marriage was designed to be drudgery where a man and a woman force themselves to comply with the harsh rigors of the divine nuptial mandate, like it or not. No indeed. The Almighty's aim for marriage is a relationship of unparalleled fulfillment, delight, pleasure, and achievement together. But the only way to realize these hopes is to do it God's way. So, if we are going to build this thing the way God intends, we have to study the blueprints. And, like everything else, they are found in His word.
The Scripture reveals (at least) five purposes for marriage: Providence, Procreation, Pleasure, Purity, and Picture. You may suggest others in addition to these five, but these are the ones that I find to be foundational and essential to the conjugal objective. We will consider them in this order.
Providence.
The word comes from the Latin (pro- before, forward + videre to see) and connotes foresight or concerned awareness of what's coming. God exercises providence over His creation as He cares for it. He guides, rules, protects, builds upon, and organizes the world and all of its inhabitants. Thus, usually we regard providence as an attribute of God, not man. However, according to the Bible, mankind is given a significant role to play in God's cosmic care. Our responsibilities are explained at the beginning of the world, when God created everything including marriage.
Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth." (Genesis 1:26-28, NASB)
Imago Dei. An important statement made repeatedly in this brief section is the fact that men and women were created in the image of God. Theologians and biblical scholars call it the imago dei and they debate about what precisely that means, but they all agree that it is of great consequence. (Capital punishment for a murderer needs no other defense than that the life he took had been made in God's image, Gen. 9:6). Whatever else may be intended by the sublime designation, it includes the humans' right and responsibility to rule: "Let us make man in Our image...and let them rule over the fish of the sea...," (v. 26, emphasis mine).
Rule (Heb. radah) is used to describe the authority of a master over his slave (Lev. 25:43, 46), the domination of Israel by her enemies if she breaks the covenant (Lev. 26:17), the destructive power of a son of Jacob who will lead Israel into victory over her enemies (Oracle of Balaam in Num. 24:19), Solomon's kingdom which extended over great distances (1 Kings 4:24), Solomon's commanders who managed his workers as they constructed the Temple (1 Kings 5:16), the future the reign of the Messiah from "sea to sea, and from the River to the ends of the earth" (Psa. 72:8), and the authority of priests over the Israelites (Jer. 5:31). The same ability and authority contained in these texts are expressly granted to men and women over the earth.
In v.28, another word is added--subdue. The Hebrew word (kabash) means "to subdue" or "to bring into bondage." It is used of Israel's capture and control of the promised land (Num. 32:22, 29; Josh. 18:1), to describe all of the nations which David conquered (2 Sam. 8:11), and of sons and daughters of Israel being subjugated as slaves to their enemies (Neh. 5:4).
Another passage which summarizes the sovereignty of mankind is Psalm 8:
What is man, that Thou dost take thought of him? And the son of man, that Thou dost care for him? Yet Thou hast made him a little lower than God, and dost crown him with glory and majesty! Thou dost make him to rule over the works of Thy hands; Thou hast put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes through the paths of the seas (vv. 4-8).
The care and governance God has entrusted to mankind extends to include the fish of the sea, birds of the air, cattle, all the earth, every creeping thing (Gen. 1:26, 28), and the works of God's hands, all things (Psa. 8). Now that's a lot of responsibility!
The Gardener and His Assistant
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Genesis 2 gives an expanded understanding of how God intends this dominion to be exercised by these divine-image-bearing males and females. He had a specific structure in mind for this operation.
God formed the male from the dust (v.7) and placed him in the garden (v.8). The expectation of the man was that he would cultivate [lit. work it] and keep [take care of, guard] the garden (v.15). But God determined that it was not good for the male to exercise this care over creation by himself, so He decided to make a helper for him (v.18). After examining all of the living creatures, it was obvious that none of them were adequate (v.20). So God took a part of the man's body and manufactured a creature worthy of being his helper (v.21f.). Now there was a man and a woman on the earth.
We should not lose sight of the purpose for which man was first created and for which woman was created after the man--they were made to rule the earth. God placed Adam in the garden to take care of it, and He gave Eve to Adam to help him in this work. Adam couldn't do it alone; Eve was his complement, his assitant ruler/worker. Together, vice-regents as it were, they would exercise the divine lordship over all that God had created.
So, to bring this forward to me and you we see that our marriage has a part to play in God's providence over the world. As the husband, I have been placed in a garden. Specifically, I have been given responsibility to teach the Word of God, to shepherd His sheep, and to counsel the church in matters of faith and obedience. And I must work that soil so that it produces fruit; I must guard it against any and all threats such as predators, diseases, or drought. Your vocation may be different, but whatever the field, you have the responsibility to cultivate and keep it for its own good and the glory of God. And if, like me, you are married, your wife has been given to you to aid you in that endeavor. She is the gardener's assistant. Now, lest we read into that term our work experiences where the assistant is nothing more than a warm body who pushes pencils and retrieves coffee, in marriage the assistant is equal in dignity, value, and purpose. She is a partner, not a hired hand. However, she does not have her own garden. Her job is to help her husband tend the patch that God put him in.
Does this mean that a wife may not pursue anything that does not include being literally next to her husband's side with a hoe in hand? No, but it does mean that she should not pursue anything that takes her from his side figuratively. She is designed to be complementary to her husband, completing him and filling in the empty places, so that he can be more fruitful in his labors. If a wife doesn't know whether her husband is trying to grow pumpkins or beans, and has to look up the location of their garden on Google Maps, then it's unlikely that she is fulfilling her role in God's marriage program.
To be very practical and specific, a man needs to determine what God has called him to in this world. He needs to discern his talents, gifts, abilities, and interests, and get to work in subduing the portion of the earth that is under his influence. This includes his career, of course, but it also includes his roles in his family, church, community, etc. Every man has several gardens for which he is responsible. His wife's calling is to help him reach his potential in each of them. Now this will not necessarily look the same for each marriage, because men need different kinds of help, but some needs are almost universal.
For example, one of my gardens is my family. The Lord has graciously granted me stewardship over three children, and I am accountable for their maturity in Christ. I must teach them God's word; I must teach them to obey His commands; I must teach them how to avoid the pitfalls in life and stay on the straight path; and I must prepare them to be influential in their owns gardens (or those of their husbands, in the cases of my two daughters). Now, obviously if I spent all of my time teaching my children, I would be neglecting my other gardens, such as the Church. I am just as accountable to the Chief Shepherd for my instruction of His sheep as I am for my family. So, how am I going to produce good fruit in both gardens? By myself, the task would be almost impossible. (I say 'almost' because there are those who, because of God's hard providence, and by His abundant grace, do somehow establish beautiful gardens without the benefit of a wife. However, even they require assistance from others.) But, because God has given me a wonderful helper, I have the prospect of being productive in multiple areas which God has assigned to me. I do some of the instruction of our children, but my wife does a significant part of it; and because of her invaluable help, I am fulfilling my responsibility and we have a fertile patch with tall plants and minimal weeds. She also assists my ministry in more ways than I can count. Together, we are exercising providential care over our family and the church. That is how God intended marriage to work.
This is not a categorical assertion that women have to work exclusively at home. There was a time in our marriage when my wife stood at my side by going out to work and earning substantial income. However, even when a wife works outside the home, she ought to be doing it as an intentional act of assistance to her husband, not as a fulfillment of her own career ambition for its own sake. She is called to help him, not merely defray the cost of their shared apartment while he goes his way and she goes hers. He took a wife, not a roommate. Together, they need to decide what she can do that will be the most helpful in making their garden a success.
The Excellent Wife
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Proverbs 31. The biblical paragon of wifehood is the woman described in Proverbs 31:10f. Her prowess and rarity are admitted in the opening statement: "An excellent wife, who can find?" Good wives, it seems, do not grow on trees; and if you have one, you have a treasure worth far more than a pile of money.
The writer reveals the characteristics of a wife who truly understands how to be a helpmate to her husband. And, we must be careful to observe that she does not sit around the house, dressed to the nines, sipping tea and eating bonbons while the governess performs all the wifely duties of the home. No, this girl is not afraid to get dirt under her fingernails. It is also clear that her labor is not confined to the four walls of her house, and yet, whatever she does, it is for the benefit of, and with a view toward, her home.
Her are the verses with brief comments:
An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels (v.10).
The word 'excellent' is the word for strength, might, and honor. The LXX (Greek translation of the Old Testament) describes her as "manly." This does not mean that the excellent wife should look and act like a man, but she does possess some of the character qualities that usually are associated with masculinity. Peter calls woman "weaker vessels," but that is not the same as calling them weak. A good wife has a measure of strength and nobility that makes a man proud of her.
The biblical author explains that a woman with this fortitude makes her husband richer than if he had great wealth. I wonder how many men with such wives regard them with such appreciation.
The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain (v.11)
A sturdy, virtuous woman is one that can be trusted and entrusted. She will do what is right and she will turn a profit from the responsibility given to her. Rather than shopping away what her husband brings in, the excellent wife will add to it.
She does him good and not evil all the days of her life (v.12).
The husband of this woman never looks back on the day and thinks, What have I done by marrying this person? Will she destroy me and the kids? When she gets done, will we have anything left? Is it always going to be like this? To the contrary, he rests his head on his pillow at night thankful to share a bed with such a model of decency and grace.
She looks for wool and flax, and works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar (v.13-14).
This woman is not likely to make a career of hand-modeling, but her hands are beautiful nonetheless because they provide such blessings to her family. She is not content to simply throw any old things on the backs of her kids, nor does she serve frozen dinners night after night. She uses her resourcefulness to provide fine clothes and food for them.
She rises also while it is still night, and gives food to her household, and portions to her maidens (v.16).
The sun doesn't beat this woman to the job. More important to her than sleep is providing a good breakfast for her family. And again, we see selfless devotion to her home as her highest priority.
'Portions' is literally, "statutes" or "prescribed tasks" (LXX, work). She oversees her daughters and the other ladies in the home (Cp. Titus 2: 5) and makes sure they learn to be diligent as well. Under her supervision, the home remains in good order.
She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard (v.16).
With a flair for investments, the excellent wife knows a good deal when she sees it, and she turns it into a valuable asset for the family. A modern day equivalent might be a woman who knows where to acquire underpriced items and resell them for a profit on eBay.
She girds herself with strength, and makes her arms strong (v.17).
And she finds time to hit the gym. In order to accomplish all her work, she disciplines herself to remain fit and capable of endurance. A sweaty workout is neither taboo, nor neglected.
She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle (v. 18-19).
Mrs. Right has holds an accurate assessment of her worth. She knows that she is benefitting her husband and children through her persistent exertion, and this knowledge spurs her on to greater industry. Not only does she start before the sun, but also she doesn't quit until long after it has retired for the evening. Whether she's cooking, cleaning, sewing, ironing, or planning, you are not likely to be awake without her being awake. And you can be sure she will be busy.
She extends her hand to the poor; and she stretches out her hands to the needy (v.20).
This woman is compassionate and tender toward those who are less fortunate than she, and she holds out a helping hand or shares some of the profit from her labors with them.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes [bed] coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple (v.21-22).
The excellent wife is prepared for the varying temperatures that come with the seasonal changes, and she has a sense of style to go with her very practical diligence.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land (v.23).
With a wife like this, a man is able to apply himself to the pursuits to which God has called him without being constantly preoccupied with the management of the home. Her dedication and responsible stewardship are a significant part of what makes him successful. As the saying goes, "Behind every good man is a good woman."
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen (v.24).
More resourcefulness and enterprising acumen. This lady understands the concepts of free market economy, supply and demand, and making quality products.
Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future (v.25).
When her husband thinks of his precious bride, it is not her fine dresses or fashionable shoes that linger in his mind, it is her distinguished, majestic character that he sees, for she is not a woman who is easily distracted or dissuaded from reaching her objectives. She will not allow the fear of what lies ahead to control her now.
She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue (v.26).
Not only does she possess physical strength and entrepreneurial competence, this rare jewel is also smart and gracious. She does not act with pride because of her achievements, instead she passes on her aptitude to others so that they may also enjoy such delight. Even in this, her virtues are apparent as she is gently instructs her students.
She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness (v. 26).
Where does this exceptional woman focus her attention? Who is it all for? She expends her energy for the sake of one location alone--her home. She is not after her own career, nor is she seeking to make a name for herself; rather, she does it all as a blessing to her husband and her children. They are the reason she resists the urges to be lazy or spend her time on vain, slothful pastimes. She finds no time, nor purpose, in being able to rehearse the current relationship crises of yesterday's soap opera starlets or latest twists of the new queen of pop.
Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: "Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all." (v.28-29).
The profuse blessings that she provides for her family do not go unnoticed. Her kids stand when she enters the room out of profound respect and appreciation. They love her and tell her so.
That goes double for her husband. Only a first-rate numbskull would fail to notice and express his gratitude for the bountiful, generous good she has done to him. He rightfully observes that no other woman is worthy to be compared to his gem. He is the most blessed of man, indeed.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates (.v30-31).
Wives, do not think that your shapely curves and long hair are going to remain your most attractive features. You will garner more approbation from being women who, because of your devotion to your Lord, devote yourselves to prospering and blessing your husband and children, than from all your cosmetic efforts combined.
Now, imagine a world where men who know their places in this world team up with women like that. God's creation would certainly be well taken care of if our marriages matched up to the biblical ideal.
How Was Work, Today, Honey?
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Song of Solomon. Early in this Holy Spirit inspired love song, there is an interchange that occurs in every matrimonial relationship. You've had this conversation, probably in the last few days. See if you can pick out what I mean in the following verses.
Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon; for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?
If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents (Song of Solomon 1:7-8).
This is the poetic version of a wife asking, "How was work, today, honey?" Only something is amiss here because the man did not reply with a terse, "Fine!" as he punches in the screen-saver password on his laptop.
In this love song, the lover wants to know about her husband's work. She is interested in his vocation. and furthermore, she refuses to be a mere bystander or casual acquaintance with respect to his job, she wants to have intimate knowledge of his skills. She is jealous of other women who know more details of his vocation, and she scorns the thought of being no more than a faroff observer of it. She wants to know more about him, and therefore more about his daily labors, than any other human being on the planet.
Every man wants to be respected by his wife, and we desire to believe that our wife finds something attractive and fascinating about that to which we give so much of our time and energy. Men were created to work, and we long for our spouse to be the loudest cheerleader for our endeavors. But we don't just want rah-rah and pompons, we yearn for a woman who shows sincere, earnest interest in, and admiration for, our work. It seems that women too often resent their husband's devotion to a job. Now, admittedly, some men seem to cherish their work more than their wife and thereby give cause to a woman's resentment. But, assuming that a man is righteous in his devotion, his wife should appreciate his diligence, she should find his job a stimulus for affection. Indeed, the skill, provision, and proficiency that she observes in her man's work should have an aphrodisiacal affect on her.
As a response to her question regarding his labors, the husband invites her to go where the action is and see it for herself. He welcomes her to be involved in his work and know what he does and how he does it. He is pleased with her interest.
Beware of Normal
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Here's the standard evening interchange (unfortunately, my home is not ignorant of this).
Wife: Hi, Honey, how was your day?
Husband: Fine.
Wife: (Walking away) Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.
Husband: Okay.
These few words communicate a lot. The husband hears the commonplace, ordinary, mostly meaningless greeting from his wife. It's not much different than just 'Hi'. Whether consciously or not, he doesn't find any good reason to think that she cares about his work.
So, he responds abruptly and blandly. What she hears is, He doesn't want me to be involved this part of his life, the part which consumes so much of him. He will talk to his buddies for hours about his job, but all I get is 'Fine.' It's always just fine.
Then she changes her attention to the next "agenda item" and walks away. Again, he has further evidence that her initial inquiry was just a formality. How quickly she moves on; there's no follow-up question, no genuine desire to know (his buddies really want to know what he is doing and dealing with at the office).
He says, 'Okay' which tells her that she was right. He is content to talk to the guys about his job, and use her for cooking, cleaning, and, of course, sex (too bad the guys can't take care of those things too!).
Both parties failed here. The wife needs to find more creative ways to inquire. 'How was your day?' can become stale and too routine. Although technically a question, it can be received as nothing more than a statement such as Hey! or What's up?. And, of course, when someone asks, 'What's up?' the expected response is, 'Nothing, much.' That's how our culture works, it's normal. However, marriage always has to beware of normal becoming lifeless and tired. The wife ought to exert some effort in coming up with different ways to ask the question. She needs to continually add to her understanding of what goes on in his work, and as she does she can be more informed in her questions. For example, in the morning she could ask something like, "Is there anything at work today that you are particularly concerned about or excited about? How can I specifically pray for you today?" Then, of course, she should give some thought and prayer to it. When he returns home, she can ask about it. Again, standard phrases should be avoided. 'So, how was your meeting' is not as good as, 'Tell me about your meeting with John, did it go as you expected it to?" And definitely communicate that you prayed that meeting specifically (assuming you did). Then you can ponder what concerned your husband, why it concerned him, and how he handled the situation. This will help you ask intelligent questions in the future when similar meetings are planned.
Conversely, the husband should not assume that just because the language is traditional the intent is necessarily disingenuous. If this woman is the love of his life, part of his own flesh, his covenanted partner for as long as they both shall live, then why would he not want to share the details of his work? More than his friends, he should desire to experience everything in life with his wife, and this includes his work. Now, there may be aspects of a job that another man can identify with more fully, simply because he is a man. But this must not preclude us from allowing, or better, inviting, our wife to participate in regular knowledge of our vocation. A man's hesitancy to discuss his job with his wife is not due to her inability to comprehend, but to his laziness and selfishness. Or, sometimes, because she really doesn't care. Either way, the marriage lacks a vital component for intimacy and unity.
So wives, make it part of your routine to learn about your husbands job, then convince him that you want to be part of it, and find non-routine ways to express it. And men, tell her about it. Include her in your work. Allow her the privilege of being part of this important part of who you are.
Like Wheels Without a Car
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
One other passage which reveals our Lord's expectation for marriage, particularly for wives, is the second chapter of Titus. The apostle Paul instructs as follows.
Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, in order that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children (lit. to be husband-loving, children-loving), sensible, pure, workers at home (lit. house-stewards), kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored (2:3-5).
Part of the "providential" responsibility that falls upon women is that as they become older and wiser they are expected to pass on their prudence to younger women, and seek to instill godly virtue in them. When seeing a younger wife, others should be able to accurately describe her as a woman who loves her husband and her children. If these adjectives appear in our minds only after numerous others such as trendy, fun, funny, wealthy, chatty, or popular, then it is likely that either she or we (or both) are interested in the wrong things.
A second noteworthy instruction for wives is that young women should be "workers at home," or, literally, "house-stewards." This is important both for husbands and the wives to understand. A man is the head of his home, that is, he is responsible for it. However, the wife is the steward of the home; she is to be delegated the authority to oversee the home as though she were its owner. The man grants control over domestic affairs to the woman. For those playing at home, that means that the husband now places himself under the authority of the wife in the day-to-day activities. It works out something like this. If the wife desires dinner to take place at 5:30PM, the man complies, cheerfully. If the wife wants to paint the guest bathroom green, the husband agrees and helps her do it. The home is her domain (domain derives from the Latin dominus, 'Lord'). She is the lord of the home or, as they used to say it, the mistress of the house.
Now this does not mean that in the final analysis the wife rules over the husband in the home. He is still the king of his castle, but he gives the every day governance to her. For example, as the steward of my house, meals come under the responsibility of my wife. I do not (usually) decide what we have for breakfast or lunch or dinner. What my wife cooks, I eat. Without complaining. However, as the head of the home, I am concerned with the broad principles behind the choosing of our meals. If my wife were to regularly spend more than the budgeted amount on groceries thereby putting us into financial danger, I would then intervene to see what can be done to curb these expenditures. At that point, she would submit to me regarding our eating. Or I may ask her to keep the menu on the healthy side of things so that the family can try to avoid the perils of having too much fat in our diets. Or I might want her to save elaborate, fancy presentations for special occasions such as holidays or when we have guests, so that those times are, and remain, special. But beyond these kinds of foundational desires, my wife rules the roost and I do as I'm told.
Conclusion. I will wrap up this section by reminding you that even Christ has a help mate. His rule of the universe includes His wife. Repeatedly, He told His disciples that they would reign with Him (See Mt. 19:28; Luke 22:30; 1 Cor. 6:2, 3; 2 Tim. 2:12; Rev. 5:10; 22:5). Of course, in His case the helper is not from need or deficiency, but He has taken one nonetheless. When His bride, the Church, decides to pursue her own goals and objectives, rather than striving to accomplish His desired ends, she is repudiating the very purpose for which she has been wed. ("For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord's" (Rom. 14:7-8).
By God's design, a husband needs a helper, and a wife needs to help him. To ignore or circumvent this pattern is like trying to make a car go without wheels and wheels go without a car. It's possible, but not nearly as effective. On the other hand, when a marriage works like it's supposed to, the richest, most productive, most satisfying partnership imaginable is created and maintained, to the glory of God and the good of His world.
When Sin Becomes Bitter, Marriage Becomes Sweet
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
"Guys, the radiant woman on whose finger you slipped that wedding ring? . . . sinner. Ladies, the man who offered you a vow of perfect faithfulness and lifelong sacrifice? . . . sinner. In ceremonies all over the world, every day, without exception, it is sinners who say, "I do." It is sinners who celebrate their tenth anniversary, their twenty-fifth, and their fiftieth. It is sinners who share a final kiss at a spouse's deathbed. It is a sinner who wrote this book. And it is sinners who are reading it."
"[When we recognize sin's insidious goals at the core of every relational difficulty we encounter . . . we] begin to realize there is new hope for our marriages. A lot of hope. Hope that emerges from the power of the gospel, the very power that raised Christ from the tomb. We get a glimpse of the sweet relationship our marriage can become--a living, thriving union where sins are confessed and forgiven. My friends, when sin becomes bitter, marriage becomes sweet."
[Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say "I Do"]
Rearing, Not Just Reproducing
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Five Purposes of Marriage: Procreation
Looking back again to the original creation of the man and the woman, we find that they were designed to "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth" (Gen. 1:28). Part of God's plan for the sublime world He had created was that Adam and Eve would be the root of an enormous family tree covering the earth with humanity. After all, the world is a big place, and if men and women are going to subdue it, it would take a bunch of them.
This design feature was not unique to pristine, pre-fall humanity and nothing about the plan changed after Adam and Eve's plunge into sin. We know this because after the entire population of mankind was judged and killed by God in the flood, He gave the same command to the eight people who were spared. God wanted Noah, his sons, and their wives to have children, and He adds, "Populate the earth abundantly and multiply in it" (Gen. 9:7).
In procreating, we demonstrate more of what it means to be made in the image of God. God created the heavens and the earth, then He created life in the man and the woman, then He gave them the ability to create life by having children. God multiplied plants and animals all over the earth, but gave mankind the authority to multiply people all over the earth. What an awesome responsibility and privilege!
We must be careful not to separate this conjugal purpose from the others. The Lord's stated context for reproducing humans is marriage. For decades, our culture has been taught that we are the descendants of animals, and in virtually every way we act like we believe it. Reproduction is no exception. When it comes to producing offspring, animals are largely indiscriminate and promiscuous. One male dog may be responsible for impregnating the mothers of all the neighborhood puppies within five blocks. And this is fine for dogs! For humanity, however, God has instructed a man to leave his father's household and begin his own by cleaving to a wife. And it is in that (and only that!) united, committed, permanent relationship that children are intended to be born.
Discipline and Nurture for Children
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective Five Purposes of Marriage: Procreation
Indeed, the divine design is not merely that we multiply like the proverbial rabbit, but that we nurture those whom we bring into the world. Child-rearing, not just child-breeding. The apostle Paul assumes this when he writes to the Christians in Ephesus:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph. 6:1-4)
Children are given to parents and have the obligation to submit to their authority. This cannot happen if there are no adults assuming the parental role, as is the case in an increasing number of childbirth situations. Fathers are expressly commanded to teach their children to love and obey the Lord Jesus Christ, and to do so in a way that does not provoke wrath in them.
We see a similar assumption throughout the Scriptures. Mom and Dad are the presupposed teachers of the child when Solomon writes, "Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and do not forsake your mother's teaching" (Prov. 1:8). And the author of Hebrews compares the way that the heavenly Father trains His sons to that of the human father/son relationship: "It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" (Heb. 12:7). The expectation is that children will be born to a husband and wife who will remain together ("cleave") and guide them toward godliness.
"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward," says the Psalmist (Psa. 127:3), and those who love the Lord ought to view them as such. They are not accidents, inconveniences, necessary evils, tolerable nuisances, or merely the future bearers of our grandchildren; they are blessings from God. Parents who consider their children a chore, and constantly find them to be getting in the way of their lives, jobs, or other activities, must repent of their sin and start regarding them as precious gifts from their Creator.
As with every aspect of life, the ability to have children lies ultimately in the sovereign will of God. In some cases, He withholds this privilege; but in most cases, He grants it. When a man and woman enter into the marriage covenant, they do not know whether they will be the exception, but they ought to enter assuming, expecting, and desiring to enjoy the experience of having kids. In premarital counseling, I require the couple to think about and discuss their plans for growing their family. It has not happened yet, but if a couple determined before the wedding that they were not planning to have children ever, I don't think that I could, in good conscience, endorse their marriage because they would be rejecting at the outset one of the foundational purposes of marriage. I do not believe that the Scripture requires a specific number of children (much less that couples must have as many children as possible), nor are there commands regarding when and how often, but I do believe it requires a married couple to desire to have children.
The Pleasure of Marriage
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective Five Purposes of Marriage: Pleasure
Introduction. Any Christian marriage which is accurately described as dull, passionless, belligerent, strained, or painful is a miserable example of a Christian marriage. Our Creator established this most blessed of relationships in order to grant us a taste of heaven here on earth. Indeed, the wedding night is one of the biblical metaphors for the bliss we will experience when our Lord Jesus returns to consummate His kingdom. He will join with His Bride (the Church), and as they live together it will most definitely not be a boring, lifeless marriage. It will truly be "happily ever after."
God created marriage as a means of profound pleasure for a husband and his wife. The reason we often struggle to experience the intended happiness is because, like with everything else, sin has taken its toll. However, as new creatures in Christ--who makes all things new and is in process of redeeming all things--we have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome sin. And near (or at) the top of our list for applying this power needs to be marriage. Our goal must not be for a decent marriage where everyone gets along okay and no one commits adultery. No, our sights must be set far higher. We should aim for the stars of marital rapture. The proverbial honeymoon period ought to be the low point of a marriage's satisfaction because as we mature as Christians, and as our love for each other grows, the joy should intensify, not wane. Anyone who observes a Christian husband and wife together ought to find themselves aching for a similar experience of delight, fulfillment, and gratification.
Alas, this seems so rare, so foreign to our thinking. Why? Is it because we are ignorant of God's design for marriage? Or because we are lazy and prefer to remain in our sinful neglect? Or because we don't really believe that perpetual pleasure is possible in marriage? Or because we are not convinced that God condones such an interest in earthly satisfaction? Or, worse still, that He opposes it?
This portion of our study is going to be mostly concerned to persuade that God intends for us to enjoy marriage abundantly.
God's Blessing on Pleasure
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
[Warning: If you are not married, you may want to skip this post.]
Five Purposes of Marriage: Pleasure (Cont'd)
God encourages every husband to romance his wife--to kiss her, to touch her, to delight in her body. But this is not just a man's game. The same level of pleasure ought to be experienced by every wife. Romantic, bodily, affectionate, sexual, joy is to be shared equally between a man and wife. Without a doubt there are differences, but they are matters of how, not what. Both partners are expected to find marriage to be an ocean of blessedness. God is the one who expects this, for He created it to be such. God is aggressively pro marital, romantic joy. He is pleased when a husband and wife sit next to each other on the porch sipping a cup of coffee and sharing a chuckle at a silly squirrel's erratic behavior. He smiles when a man and wife flirt with each other through IM and email. He nods with affirmation when a guy runs his eyes up and down his wife's barely covered body on her way to the shower (and when he follows her in to watch). And He grants His hearty approval whenever a women approaches her husband in order to enjoy the sexual ecstasy of making love. He made it, after all, right down to our body parts and their elated responses to the stimulations of touch. (If you are starting to feel the least bit uncomfortable at this point, you desperately need to study what the Bible teaches about sex. It will knock your, eh, socks off.) God is pleased when His children find pleasure in marriage.
Again, let's go back to the beginning. The summary statement made about the marriage relationship when God first instituted it, and the last word spoken before sin entered the picture, was that "the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed" (Gen. 2:25). Adam stood in front of Eve, and Eve before Adam, and neither of them gave a second thought to the fact that they were not wearing any clothes. It seemed right and natural. They liked looking at each other. They felt no humiliation, no disgrace, no hesitancy whatsoever at walking around the world, in front of God and all His creatures, buck-naked. It was good.
After they disobeyed, however, their free spirit went away, and they hid themselves when God came near (Gen. 3:8). Before, they had been exposed; now they felt exposed. And they couldn't stand it. They had to find something with which to cover their naked bodies. Of course, this was the physical response to the shame they felt in their soul. They knew they had sinned against God, and now more than anything they desired to hide that sin.
For Christians, however, the curse of sin has been reversed, its shame and reproach have been laid on another, and we no longer have reason to fear the appearance of God. So then, this ought to free us to be naked and unashamed again. I am not suggesting that public nudity is, or ever was, allowed. Remember Adam and Eve were the only human beings on the planet when they walked around in the buff, and whether God would have wanted them to remain disrobed in the presence of other men and women is a subject for another time. What I am suggesting, however, is that there should be no tentativeness for a man or woman to take off their clothes in front of God and their spouse.
So, let me ask you a question. Man, are you ashamed to be nude in front of your wife? Wife, how about you with your husband? If so, why? This is the normal, expected freedom that ought to exist between a husband and wife. In our day, poor body image is often the reason given for refusing to make love with the lights on. In this case, the ashamed party needs to be assured and reassured of his or her partner's acceptance (especially in a culture that is obsessed with six-pack abs and spends millions of dollars annually on cosmetic adjustments). Is it guilt for past sexual sins? If so, then allow the gospel to speak into the bedroom and wipe away all the stains. All of our wickedness has been swallowed up in the sea of forgiveness, even the ones that seem so perverse to us. Let them stay there forever, and enjoy your new, pure life in Christ. Are you the victim of past sexual abuse? Get the help of your elders and seek the restoration that the Holy Spirit of almighty God can bring to any heart. Are you generally inhibited and unwilling to expose yourself to your spouse? This should not be. Again, seek wise guidance from your elders or someone else whom you trust so that you may enjoy the acceptance, both soul and body, of God and your covenant partner. Inhibition is the great pleasure-killer of sexual passion, and shyness about being naked together is a major inhibition. There should be no place where we are more comfortable and at ease than being undressed in full view of our Maker and our mate.
The Bible Acknowledges Beautiful Women
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Made to See Beauty. Because of the obvious pitfalls that surround it, discussion of the beauty of the human body is often avoided among Christians. We tend to think that any guy who notices another woman's form must be lusting after her. It's okay to observe how beautiful the bride's dress is, but he'd better not admit to having noticed the body in the dress. And again, there is good reason for being careful in this area. Sitting too long admiring the new car smell of my buddy's recent purchase is fine for a few moments, but it can easily lead to coveting, or discontentment toward the car God has blessed me with. Nevertheless, the Scripture is not shy in expressing the physical, bodily appeal of men and women:
When [Abram] was about to enter Egypt, he said to Sarai his wife, "I know that you are a woman beautiful in appearance" (Gen. 12:11).
When Abram entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that [Sarai] was very beautiful (Gen. 12:14).
And it came about before he had finished speaking, that behold, Rebekah . . . came out with her jar on her shoulder. And the girl was very beautiful, a virgin, and no man had had relations with her; and she went down to the spring and filled her jar, and came up (Gen. 24:15-16).
When you go out to battle against your enemies, and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands, and you take them away captive, and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to take her to be your wife . . . (Deut. 21:10-11)
Now the man's name was Nabal, and his wife's name was Abigail. And the woman was intelligent and beautiful in appearance . . . (1 Sam. 25:3).
Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, "I will be king," . . . and he was also a very handsome man; and he was born after Absalom (1 Kings 1:5-6).
So [Jesse] sent and brought [David] in. Now he was ruddy, with beautiful eyes and a handsome appearance. And the LORD said, "Arise, anoint him; for this is he" (1 Sam. 16:12).
Now it was after this that Absalom the son of David had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar, and Amnon the son of David loved her (2 Sam. 13:1).
"Yes," you say, "I grant that the Bible calls these men and women 'beautiful' and 'handsome,' but it is surely describing their faces. They had pretty eyes and charming smiles. There is nothing inappropriate in admiring a man's fair countenance or a woman's rosy red cheeks, but that is a far cry from noticing them from the neck down." Read on:
Leah's eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful of form and face (Gen. 29:17, emphasis added).
So [Potiphar] left all that he had in Joseph's charge . . . now Joseph was handsome in form and appearance (Gen. 39:6, emphasis added).
[Mordecai] was bringing up Hadassah, that is Esther, the daughter of his uncle, for she had neither father nor mother. The young woman had a beautiful figure and was lovely to look at (Esther 2:7, emphasis added).
And this is without a single reference to the Song of Solomon!
Looking Without Lusting . . . Is It Possible?
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
The Bible acknowledges the objective good looks of shapely bodies, both of men and of women, and it does not shy away from the attraction that we have to them. Neither does it portray this attraction as inherently evil. We must guard our eyes and our minds so that we do not cross the line from looking to lusting, but we should not deny the natural appreciation of the human body that God has created us with.
Do not misinterpret me! None of the people described in these biblical texts were nude. I am in no way endorsing pornography or suggesting that it is okay so long as we are only "looking, but not lusting." I am, however, trying to show that when a man notices a pretty woman, it does not make him the devil or a pervert.
Which brings up another point, and one that causes knots to form in my stomach as I think about it. I have two daughters, and some day each of them is likely to be approached by a young man who desires to marry them. Part of the reason these young men are going to be interested in marrying my daughters is the same as was mentioned in the Scriptures I quoted--they are going to view my daughters as having beautiful figures and being lovely to look at. The very fact that they will arrive at those conclusions proves that they have been looking at the figures of my daughters. Admittedly, my first instinct at such a notion is to locate my Louisville Slugger. But at the end of the day, this is utterly unrealistic. Not because all men are libido-driven hounds who cannot control their appetites, but because God has made us this way. Frankly, if a prospective husband told me he didn't find my daughter physically attractive, I wouldn't let them get married. Either he is a liar, or he is going to make for a miserable husband. There is a line, that if crossed will send me searching for the baseball bat, but anything behind the line is good and natural to humanity. Christians ought to know where the line is because we know the One who drew it.
God Gave His Wife Jewelry
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
What about cosmetics, jewelry, etc.? Another issue which confronts me as a father of girls, which will serve to introduce another area that we need to understand biblically, is the propriety of jewelry, make-up, perfume, stylish clothes, and the like. My oldest daughter turned seven years old just yesterday, but her interest in these things began a long time ago. This caused me to ask, Does the Bible speak to these things? The answer is Yes.
Through the prophet Ezekiel, God described His relationship with Israel using the terminology of a man and his bride. He spoke of finding her when she was first born, and she was a mess (16:4). She was alone and helpless, having been tossed into a field and left for dead (v.5), but God revived and sustained her (v.6). Then He made a statement pertinent to our discussion when He said about her, "Then you grew up, became tall and reached the age for fine ornaments" (v.7, emphasis mine). According to God Himself, there is an appropriate age when a girl becomes ready to embellish her womanly features.
We will consider those embellishments in greater detail shortly, but first I want to draw your attention to another thing in verse 7. God also said about the young woman Israel, "Your breasts were formed and your hair had grown." In the metaphorical language, the man noticed the breasts of this young woman who attracted him. That husband, remember, is God. God noticed the expanding bosom of a girl and He found it attractive. This was not a sin for God, nor is it a sin for a man; unless, of course, it gives way to lust. We will describe lust more extensively in our consideration of purity, but for now we should note that there is a way, a time, and a place where observing a woman's chest is not sin. God portrays Himself as doing it.
Lest we be tempted to think that the "feminine decorations" spoken of earlier were for the sole purpose of attracting a husband, the text goes on to describe what God did for His bride after they were married. He said,
"And I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your hands, and a necklace around your neck. I also put a ring in your nostril, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your dress was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour, honey, and oil; so you were exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. Then your fame went forth among the nations on account of your beauty, for it was perfect because of My splendor which I bestowed on you," declares the Lord God (Ezek. 16:11-14).
This is how God treated His wife: He gave her bracelets, necklaces, nose rings, earrings, and a crown. And it was the good stuff, too, made of gold and silver. He bought her fancy dresses made out of expensive fabric. He also provided her with delectable food to eat. All of these things contributed to her exceeding beauty and popularity. Gentlemen, let us strive to be like God in this; let us adorn our wives with ornaments and jewelry as He did. Personal decorations are not evil, nor are they inherently indicative of a materialistic worldliness. Beauty is part of God's created world, and it appears that hairstyling, rings, necklaces, perfume, nail polish, and all the rest are natural accessories to the feminine appearance.
Yes, there are passages in the New Testament which at first glance seem to downplay (if not outright deny) the place of physical decorations on women. The two most important are 1 Timothy 2:9-10 and 1 Peter 3:1-6. However, my study has brought me to the conclusion that neither Peter nor Paul are condemning the use of jewelry, braided hair, or fine clothes, but rather they are both establishing a hierarchy of attractiveness and virtue for women. At the very top of the list of the ways that a woman pleases God (and her husband) is the possession of noble, respectful, submissive character and conduct. This is vastly more important to her Creator than dressing to the nines and having a keen sense of seasonal fashion. However, assuming that a woman is pursuing this godly disposition on the inside, it is also natural to her gender to display the beauty that God has given to her on the outside.
As with any good thing, the danger exists of making an idol out of a woman's looks, but we must not let the potential of evil eliminate the actual enjoyment of the good. The bottom line is this: Guys, buy stuff for your wife that communicates to her (and those who see her) that she is your crown and glory (Prov. 12:4; 1 Cor. 11:7). And tell her...often...of her beauty, inside and out.
Two Kinds of Marital Intercourse
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Pleasurable conversation. One of the biblical metaphors for the sexual relationship between a man and his wife is that of knowing each other. For example, Genesis 4:1 says literally, "And the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain..." (emphasis mine). Obviously, if all it took to conceive a child was for a man to know a woman, we would all be impregnating women all over the place. But this knowledge was of the most intimate kind, involving physical interaction as well as intellectual. It is interesting (to me, at least) that a the word 'intercourse' is used almost exclusively today to refer to sex, however in days gone by it was used predominantly to describe the verbal exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings between people or groups. And, I would dare say that if husbands took the time to enjoy intercourse with their wives in the former sense of the word, they would be more than content with their enjoyment of it in the newer sense. We'll get to the sexual pleasure of marriage in a moment, but first let us consider the pleasure of conversation in marriage.
Husbands and wives have been given the tasks of ruling the world, raising Christian children, cultivating a relationship of physical delight, protecting one another from the dangers of lust and infidelity, and painting a picture of Christ and the Church for the world to see. That's a lot of work. How much better at it will we be if we actually talk to each other? In the extremely sad, but true category is the fact that husbands and wives spend relatively little time talking with one another. Oh, we talk at each other, and give debriefings when necessary to keep the family machine running, but unhurried, prolonged conversations remain on the list of things that would be nice if we had the time. Or, they are trumped by the irresistible lure of the great intercourse-killers: TVs, computers, smart phones, iPods, and the like. The stuff coming out of these things is so much more interesting that than the stuff coming out of the hole in the lower part of our spouse's face.
It wasn't always that way. I don't mean before microchip technology, I mean earlier in your relationship with your wife, back before you were married and you couldn't get enough of each other. Parting was such sweet sorrow; and the next encounter, even if planned for the next day, seemed like an eternity away. And when you were together, what did you spend most of your time doing? Talking. About everything. You were getting to know each other's likes and dislikes, tastes, desires, long-term goals, past experiences, and favorite ice cream flavors. The 7-minute conversation lull was more like a 7-hour lull, and then it was quickly filled with another question. Or maybe there was an extended period of quiet. That, too, was wonderful, because there was nothing you would rather be doing than being with each other, even if nary a word was spoken.
After the wedding, it was more of the same, only now you could hardly believe that you didn't have to end the date. You could be together almost all the time. What has happened these many years later to cause you to think, It seems like we're together all the time. I need some space; I need to get out once in awhile. Or, we're together all the time, can't I have some time to myself to just watch some TV and relax? I need some downtime. Right now, I need to veg for awhile, we can talk later. But, it's never later; it's always now.
Husbands and wives are one flesh, head and body, groom and bride, and co-heirs of eternal life. How can two people described by such intimate terms not have ongoing pleasant, stimulating conversation? Once again, it is because of abiding sin. The grace that once spilled over into our discussions and paved the way for long strolls of blissful discourse has been replaced by mutual boredom at best, and growing hostility at worst. The cure, as with all sin, is the gospel of Jesus Christ and the supernatural power of His Holy Spirit. By these potent means, we can experience intercourse at a level we never knew existed. Let that be our prayer and goal.
Our part (besides earnest prayer, of course) is to work at knowing each other. Can you answer these questions about your spouse: What kind of music does your husband like? What is your wife's greatest fear? Can you describe each other's most enjoyable experiences? Do you know what makes each other happy? sad? pensive? agitated? giggly? What is your husband's favorite hobby? Why does he enjoy it so much? What is your wife's idea of a romantic date? When is the last time you made that happen? What goes on in her mind and heart when your mother comes to visit? Is your answer based on man's intuition or have you actually asked her about it? Does he struggle to pray and study the Bible on a regular basis? Why? What did her family do to celebrate Christmas and New Year's? Is her desire to continue those traditions or create new ones?
After over ten years of what we both agreed had been a good, intimate, loving marriage, I asked Krista what would take it to the next level for her. I said something like, "We have both affirmed that we are happy, content, and fulfilled in this marriage. Both of us strive to please the other and meets each other's needs. We have a very good, strong, Christ-honoring marriage. But, if I could do something for you that would cause us to take a quantum leap, what would it be?" Her answer was the last thing I expected. She said, "I would love it if I could have a couple hours each week of your undivided attention so that we could just talk about stuff." I know what that sounds like, it sounds like I was the one happy, content, and fulfilled and she was starving for attention from me. But she assured me that that was not the case. It's just that her desire to spend time with me talking was intense (not unlike most men's desire for the other kind of intercourse). I determined to make the necessary changes in order to meet this need of hers, and what I discovered was that I, too, found great pleasure in these conversations. More than that, I realized that this was not so much a new discovery as a re-kindling of a flame that used to burn much brighter. Before we were engaged, while we were engaged, and in the early part of our marriage, spending time with Krista was my greatest desire. Sure, I had a multitude of interests and pursuits, and I managed to find time for them, but above all, I wanted to be with Krista. It didn't really matter what we were doing as long as we were together. I wanted to know her, to discuss issues with her, to discover what made her tick (and tickled), to figure out how I could surprise her or impress her or make her experience joy and happiness. Before we were married, part of our consistent dating practice was that after I dropped her off at her parents' house, she would call my cell phone and we would talk until I arrived at my home, even if we had been together for ten or twelve hours! That is how much we enjoyed conversing with one another.
The other thing that I re-learned was that early in our relationship, I was eager to know Krista, and as my knowledge of her grew, my creativity in planning dates and purchasing gifts grew accordingly. Guess what! That creativity still exists, it just needed a new round of knowledge to awaken it from its dormant state. Now, over fifteen years later, Krista is more interesting to me than ever and my desire to spend time with her is at an all-time high. And our conversations are more frequent and more meaningful than ever. We are truly finding one of the great pleasures of marriage to be intercourse, the talking kind.
Sex: Neither Trivial nor Taboo
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
Sexual pleasure. Of course, one cannot contemplate pleasure in marriage without considering sex. In many ways, it is the defining act of marriage and culmination of all the other pleasures or the marital relationship. The topic is important enough to deserve its own chapter, and so we will hold off most of our comments until we get to it. However, I want to go this far for the moment, and that is to say that Christians need to guard against two extremes when discussing sexuality. On one side of the horse is the profane, disgraceful, animalistic view of sex held by the current American culture. We live in an environment which contains experts who give advice about when and how to go about "hooking up" with a co-worker at the office Christmas party, and the potential benefits and pitfalls of such an exciting evening with a colleague (or boss even). And such advice is shamelessly posted on the front page of Yahoo!. The only boundaries for the contemporary man or woman are the comforts of our own desires. And even those can be relaxed a bit after a beer or two. Any man or woman with any man or woman, anywhere, anytime, that's our nation's view of sexuality. It's not a sacred thing, it's not a private thing, it's not an exclusive thing. It's just a thing.
But the other side of the horse is the attitude that sex is something taboo and not to be discussed as though we really do it. And like it. This latter position takes something beautiful that God has made, puts a blanket over it, and hides it in the attic where hopefully no one will find it. The Bible is not even a little bit shy about discussing sexuality. When God condemns Israel for chasing after other gods, He unashamedly calls her a whore who lifts up her skirt for every man who walks by. When Jesus portrays the great idol of materialism that consumes the unbelieving heart, He calls her Babylon, the Great Prostitute. This is sexuality in its sinful, perverse form. But the Scripture is equally unashamed to describe married sexuality as it is and should be. Solomon commands his son to be filled with constant delight in the breasts of his wife. (This from a father to his son, and yet today many fathers say nothing at all to their sons regarding sexuality, or at best refer them to a cartoon book.) The apostle Paul is not hesitant to instruct husbands and wives to meet the sexual needs of their spouse on a frequent, consistent basis. And if that were not enough, there is an entire book of the Bible which has one message--the physical, bodily, sexual ecstasy of marriage. We must not forget that the same Spirit of God which inspired Romans also inspired Solomon's The Song of Songs. For a wife to admit the pleasure she experiences in having sex with her husband is no more sinful than her expressions of the joy she experiences in playing with, and teaching, her children. They are both blessings of God which are to be enjoyed to His glory.
We must take care not to fall off of either side of the horse. Our goal is to remain upright. We should not speak of sexuality so as to make it something crude, vulgar, or obscene, nor should we be embarrassed and sheepish in acknowledging the generous gift it is from our Maker, a gift to be opened and celebrated without reservation.
Eating THAT Ice Cream Is Sin
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective
5 Purposes of Marriage: Purity
As I affirmed previously, sex is God's idea. He created it, He blessed it, He wants us to do it. There is nothing in the world more natural than for a man and woman to delight in sex including all of its sights, sounds, scents and sensations. However, just because something is natural does not make it right.
It is natural for a person to delight in ice cream. And in this case, I am the most enthusiastic nature lover you could ever hope to meet. I love ice cream. It doesn't last long in my house because I consume it like I breathe air. Now when I reach into my freezer, in my kitchen, and pop the lid off a carton of ice cream that I own, I am simply delighting in the good gift of God. I am eating ice cream to the glory of God. (Isn't God a generous God, that we can worship Him with such sweetness?) However, if the carton of ice cream that I dig into is in a freezer at the local grocery store, then rather than glorifying God, I am sinning against Him. It's not eating ice cream that is sinful, it's eating that ice cream, because it is not mine to eat. It belongs to someone else. In the same way, sex is a wonderful way to bring glory to God (can I get another Amen!?) when it is with your spouse. But when it is occurs between two people who are not married, it is sin, not because it is sex, but because it is "sex that doesn't belong to you."
The Psychology of Lust
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective 5 Purposes of Marriage: Purity (cont'd)
When it comes to sexual sin, we have to beware of two potential "locations" for evil--the head and the bed. We will consider the temptation to lust and sexual immorality first by investigating King David's sin with Bathsheba:
In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel. And they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem. It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking on the roof of the king’s house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. And David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, "Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?" So David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. (2 Samuel 11:1-4).
In this account we find the Israeli king taking an evening walk on the balcony of his palace. No doubt this was a common way for him to relax and think about his life and his job. As he was stretching his legs and maybe sipping a cup of coffee, his eyes scanned the horizon of his nation until they landed on a stunningly beautiful woman. And she was taking a bath. Naked. Now up to this point, David had not sinned in his head or bed. As far as the text reveals, he was not trying to see a naked woman. This was not a voyeuristic stroll on his rooftop. He had not planned this encounter. And it was not his fault that Bathsheba was beautiful or naked. He simply happened onto this situation. The beginning of David's sin occurred with his reaction to seeing a beautiful naked woman. Had he turned from looking at her and forbade his mind from thinking about what he saw, he could have avoided sin altogether. But, alas, he not only looked and thought, he sent his servants to get her so that he could have sex with her. He ate ice cream that didn't belong to him.
What happened in David's mind and heart that led to this adulterous encounter? What was happening on the inside after his eyes spied this attractive sight on the outside? No need to call in the psychologist to find the answer because the Scripture teaches us how the internal process of sin works. It is described in James chapter one.
"But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death" (James 1:14-15).
The main clause of verse 14 is, "Each is tempted." Some of the English translations add the word 'when' here, but James is really describing how a person is tempted. A man or woman is tempted "by his own desire." The potential for sin occurs because of the powerful internal lusts within each of us.
The Greek word for desire is epithumeo, and it connotes an intense yearning for something. Jesus used it to describe the fervent wish of Old Testament prophets to see the Messiah (Matt. 13:17). He used it again in the parable of the prodigal son to reveal the urgent hunger the boy felt after he had foolishly wasted all of his money and had nothing to eat (Luke 15:14-16). He used it again to depict the deep longing the disciples would have for Him after He departed (Luke 17:22). The apostle Paul employed it to explain the passionate hostility that persists in a believer between the Holy Spirit and the unholy flesh (Gal. 5:17). Finally, it occurs in the final book of the Bible when plagues of judgment are unleashed on the sinful men of the earth, and the victims of these torments will "long to die and death flees from them" (Rev. 9:1f.).
As you can see, the lusts which cause our temptation are profoundly intense desires. For most men (and many women) sexual lust is set at maximum intensity.
Beautiful But Deadly
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective 5 Purposes of Marriage: Purity (cont'd)
We should notice something else about James' illuminating description of temptation. He teaches that our lusts (literally) "bait us" and "drag us along." We have powerful yearnings in our body which attract our interest like a worm lures a fish. We see the object of our desire and we are allured, drawn to it with increasing force. As the enticement grows, our desires then seize control and drag us toward the seductive entity. Finally, James reveals, the lust becomes pregnant and gives birth to sin, which grows up to death.
In order to avoid sin, we must abort the "lust baby" while it is still in the womb; we must eliminate it before the enticement takes control. In other words, when the lust is aroused because an attractive object appears, before it has a chance to intensify, we must overcome it or destroy it. When the fish sees the worm, he must recognize the deadly shiny thing attached to it and turn and swim in another direction. When David sees the beautiful, naked Bathsheba, he must do something immediately which will put out the fire of lust within his heart and body.
Before we discuss ways to resist sexual temptation, I want to consider a related statement of Jesus which I believe is often misunderstood and incorrectly taught. It is His affirmation in Matthew 5:28, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." The first-glance conclusion about the meaning of this verse is something like, Even if you do not have actual sex with a woman, if you want to have sex with her you are committing adultery in your heart. Lusting for her is just as much sin as actually engaging in sex with her. Although I whole-heartedly agree with that affirmation, I don't think that is what Jesus is saying. If we look closely and the wording, we see a different point is being made. If you will allow me to give a more precise rendering of the Greek, it would be,
"Everyone who looks at a woman for the purpose of (Gr. hina) intensely desiring her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (emphasis added).
What Jesus is emphasizing is that when a man has a burning, overpowering lust for a woman, it is because he has already, sometime in the past (maybe just seconds ago), had sex with her in his heart. The internal decision to engage in the sinful activity has been made, and now that he has made it he cannot get her out of his mind. David did not commit adultery with Bathsheba by lusting for her, rather, the adultery occurred in his heart and then the pining grew until he could no longer stand to remain ungratified. At that point, he sent for her so he could act on his lust. Again, if when David saw her he had not allowed his heart to go through with the sexual act, or if he had quickly turned to desire something else, he would not have been carried away with his lust and given birth to the sin of adultery. If we can prevent the sinful act from taking place in our heart, we can avoid the overwhelming lust that follows.
Lust Is Not About Body Parts
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective
5 Purposes of Marriage: Purity (cont'd)
So, how do we keep the lust from growing into a formidable foe? How do we avert the adultery of the heart? First, we employ a general defensive strategy of maintaining the spiritual disciplines. We must renew our minds (Romans 12:1-2). We must set our minds on things above (Col. 3:2). We must study God's word, pray, regularly fellowship with other believers, etc. We must develop a passion for righteousness, a love for that which is good and an abhorrence for that which is evil. We must ask the Lord to purify our heart and grant us noble, Christ-honoring passions and desires. This is really what Jesus was getting at with the verses that follow his statement about looking on a woman with lust,
"If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell" (Matt. 5:29-30).
Again, we read this and we immediately think that we must do something drastic if we are going to eliminate sin. It sounds like He is saying, If your problem is lust, cut out your eyes so you cannot see; if stealing, cut off your hand so you cannot grasp something that doesn't belong to you. And we sincerely hope that Jesus is using hyperbole here because we are not interested in amputating any part of our body. Now, if Jesus is truly suggesting that we remove whatever body part is doing the sin, then with respect to sexual sin neither the eye nor the hand will suffice. A man is perfectly capable of having sex without either of these. The pertinent body part is a little lower.
But to think about body parts is to miss Jesus' point. The key player in sexual sin is neither the eye, nor the hand, nor the genitalia. It is the heart. Not the organ that pumps blood, but the internal soul and will. What Jesus is communicating is that the way to eliminate sinful lust is to cut out your sinful heart. "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander" (Matt. 15:19, emphasis added). The cure for sin is not external restraint, not even the Law of God, but internal transformation. We need a heart transplant, a heart that beats for God; and after receiving it, we need to due the proper exercises that will strengthen it in purity and goodness. The more our heart longs to show love to Christ, the less it will long for evil pursuits.
"To Have and to Hold..." What Does That Mean?
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective
5 Purposes of Marriage: Purity (cont'd) [NOTE: There's nothing graphic here, but singles should be aware that the subject matter concerns intimate married relationships.]
Moving from the general to the specific, we need to learn from Joseph and run from the presence of temptation (Gen. 39:6f.). When his master's wife sought to seduce him, Joseph ran out of the house not even stopping to pick up the shirt she had ripped off of him. That was a good technique for remaining pure. When David observed Bathsheba, he would have avoided temptation by immediately turning away from the beautiful, yet potentially sinful, sight before him. Again, coincidently finding himself staring at the unwitting disrobed bather was not David's sin; it's what he did after glimpsing her that led to adultery. If he had immediately done an about face and left the viewing area, he would not have brought the married woman to his room for an illicit, forbidden, and wicked encounter.
Leaving the roof would have prevented David from sinning in his bed, but not necessarily in his head. Now that his sexual desire had been aroused, what was he to do with it? Was his only option to eliminate the mental picture from his thoughts and suppress his sensual urges? Maybe take a cold shower or hit the weight room? No, God had given David a way to satisfy those desires in a righteous way—with his wife. (Or, in his case, wives.)
In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul gives some very practical, if unromantic, instructions for the sexual aspect of marriage. Beginning in verse 2 he says:
But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
And he adds in verse 9, "But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn."
Although it is unlikely that anyone will ever write a best-selling romantic novel based on these verses, it might be that many real life marriages would be saved and greatly improved if their instructions were obeyed.
In His merciful care for His people, God has given to husbands and wives a desire for sexuality and a place to meet those desires. This is one of the purposes of marriage—to fulfill our divinely supplied sexual passions; and therefore, it is the obligation of every spouse to "be there" for his or her partner when these passions are aroused. God's command goes so far as to say that sexually speaking when we get married we hand over all intimate rights to our mate. "I do," means, "I will...whenever you want." Indeed, for a husband or a wife to withhold themselves from their spouse is tantamount to stealing because we are keeping something that no longer belongs to us. The only reason a married couple should abstain from consistent lovemaking is for a special period of prayer. But even that is not a good enough reason to go without for very long. The apostle acknowledges that our urges are too strong and influential to be left unfulfilled for any extended amount of time. Mark it well, the Bible is commanding regular, frequent sex in a marriage for the purpose of avoiding temptation. This is the how being married helps us remain sexually pure.
Where To Spend Our Erotic Money
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective
5 Purposes of Marriage: Purity (cont'd) [NOTE: Singles may want to skip this one.]
But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
So when a married man is confronted with a situation which stirs his appetite, he is not necessarily required to hate the desire or ignore the desire or replace it with another desire; he may turn to his wife. And if she desires to please her Lord, she will willingly be his fulfillment seeing it as a means of humbly serving him in his efforts to resist lustful temptations. I should add in passing that this goes both ways. A husband who neglects his wife's sexual needs is sinning against her and preventing her from enjoying what God has generously provided to her. Furthermore, he is denying her the means by which she may remain pure in mind, heart, and body.
Many centuries prior, King Solomon said much the same thing as Paul, but more poetically:
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).
Anyone who considers Bible to be stiff, clinical, and restrictive about sex simply has not read it. Sex within marriage is to be celebrated. Rejoiced in. Vigorously and habitually delighted in. And the Spirit-inspired writers do not hesitate to tell it like it is. Solomon knows that God has created men to find pleasure in a woman's breasts. He is not embarrassed to acknowledge it. Why should he be? Nor is he intimidated by the subject. He is happy to admit to his son that indeed breasts are a source of wonderful delight. And he should indulge himself without restraint, even to the point of virtual drunkenness, so long as he is only drinking wine from his own wine cellar. Men are not allowed to be enchanted by every woman's body, but only his woman's body.
Feed Him at Home So He Won't Eat Out
Category: Marriage From the Divine Perspective
5 Purposes of Marriage: Purity (cont'd) [NOTE: Singles may want to skip this one.]
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).
The greater context of Proverbs chapter five deals with avoiding the temptress. Solomon knows that adultery is a path that leads straight to the City of Destruction, and he desperately wants his son to stay off of that path. The way to steer clear of the danger zone is to find great sexual satisfaction in his wife. A man who is happy in his bed at home which he should be in, is not likely to seek happiness in a bed in another home which he should not be in. Or as my wife likes to say, a man who is well fed at home won't want to eat out. Again, in the Bible marriage is considered a means of purity and a way of avoiding the allurement of sexual sin.
Once more I should qualify that what is true for the husband is true for the wife. A wife should delight in her husband's body and exclusively seek to gratify her desires with him. Women have lusts too and are just as capable of adultery as are men. God has graciously provided a way for her to experience physical, affectionate bliss, and has restricted her options to this one way.
But this requires a willing and capable participant. Too often today, men delight themselves in the (surgically created) breasts of forbidden (cyber) women, and have no desire for their wife. They have eaten synthetically produced sugar-substitutes for so long, they have lost their taste for the real thing. After spending so much time in the world of fantasy, real life seems quite dull and unsatisfactory. So, they refuse to engage in sexual activities with their wife (or, at least, it becomes irregular, boring, and perfunctory) and thereby take away her means of purity and physical pleasure. His impurity may be the cause of her impurity. When one loses, they both lose. This is not how God intends marriage to be.
To put this very practically, let me encourage you to proceed in this manner (ladies, adjust as necessary): When you are standing in a Walmart checkout line and you see a magazine cover displaying a gorgeous, scantily clad woman encircled by article titles that leave little to the imagination, or you are the victim of a surprise attack Victoria's Secret commercial, or your favorite Christian magazine contains an article on the increasingly promiscuous sexual practices of Americans, or the car in front of you is covered with provocative bumper stickers, or you are up on your roof cleaning the gutters when the unsuspecting teenage girl next door decides to work on her tan in the back yard, or you hear someone like me going on and on about the delights and joys and thrills of sexual ecstasy, rather than suppressing or denying or being ashamed of your natural, God-given reactions to those kinds of stimuli, use them as the impetus to pursue your spouse sexually. Instead of putting the mental moves on a woman who lives in your dreams, put the physical moves on the woman who lives in your house. That's one of the reasons God gave her to you.
Christ and the Church: One Flesh
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
The New Testament uses many metaphors to describe the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church—Foundation and building blocks, Head and body, King and servants, and important for our purposes—Husband and wife. For example, when the apostle John saw the awe-inspiring visions of Christ in The Revelation, he wrote, "Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready" (Rev. 19:7). And a little further, "And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband" (Rev. 21:2). Most obvious is Ephesians chapter five where the apostle repeatedly compares the roles of Christ with those of the husband, and the roles of the believers with those of the wife. Then, with a completely unexpected announcement, Paul declares that the teaching of the two (husband and wife) becoming one flesh is really talking about Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:32).
Although we must always be careful not to make too much out of a metaphor, they are used for a reason, specifically, they help us learn by using something familiar to explain something less familiar. We understand marriage and the roles of husbands and wives, so when Jesus is called, 'the groom' and the Church, 'the bride' our minds begin to call up thoughts about how believers are related to God's Son. One of the purposes of marriage is to give us (and the onlooking world) a picture of Christ and His Bride.
Husbands, Ask Yourself . . .
Category: Marriage from the Divine Perspective
So here's a question for you. If we were to use your marriage as the portrait of Jesus and His bride, what would we learn about Christ?
Does your marriage display Jesus as a harsh, abusive, and domineering husband? Do you show the world that Jesus only blesses His wife when He expects to get something in return? Do you display a Jesus who would rather watch football, read a book, go fishing, or surf the Web than spend time with the Church? Do you reveal a Jesus who considers it a bother when the Church asks for help? When people look at your marriage, do they get the idea that Jesus would really rather be married to someone else? Maybe someone taller or thinner or more interesting or more intelligent or with significantly enhanced physical features? Or do you portray a Jesus who is bodily committed to His wife, but He can't keep His eyes off of other women? According to your marriage, is Jesus a miser who won't spend money on gifts or vacations or getaways for His wife, but He somehow manages to find the dough for new toys for Him or satellite TV or golf? Do you show a Jesus who believes He ought to be the head of His home, but who, in reality, leaves leadership and responsibility to His wife? Do unbelievers learn from your marriage that Jesus has more important things to do than listen to the requests, concerns, and dreams or the Church? Does He criticize every little thing the Church does wrong and point out all of her flaws? According to your relationship, when Jesus corrects the Church does He leave her bruised, discouraged, and feeling worthless? Do people see a Jesus who is involved in a lot of really good things, but rarely has time for the Church? Will He spend more time with the Church as soon as He gets around to it?
Or, Does your marriage display the truth that Jesus is doing everything He does for the benefit of the Church, that He is committed to loving and caring for His bride? Do you portray a Jesus who is patient and kind to the Church? When people look at your marriage, do they understand that Jesus considers the Church His most precious possession? Do they perceive that Jesus would never do anything to hurt or frustrate or discourage the Church? Do you reveal a Jesus who is always happy and interested to hear the Church's concerns? Do you display a Jesus who is gracious with the Church's faults and does not become angry at her failures? According to your marriage, does Jesus treat the Church well even when she does not please Him? Do you represent a Jesus who leads, directs, protects, and provides for the Church? Do you show that there is no sacrifice that Jesus will not make for the Church? Do people see that Jesus is tender and endlessly compassionate toward the Church by observing how you treat your wife?
These are hard questions for any husband to ask, but they are worth extensive pondering, not only because we have all made vows to our wife regarding cherishing and nourishing, but also because a bad marriage lies to the world about the character of Jesus. It presents a distorted picture of His love for His bride. Husbands reflect Christ. We either reflect Him accurately or we present a caricature, but either way we present Christ. We should strive to be copies which are as true and genuine as possible to the original.
Sweet Sixteen . . . Happier Than Ever
Category: Marriage
The other night, I listened to an interview with John MacArthur in which he expressed the joy of being with the same congregation for over thirty years. Then he assumed their position, and marveled at how they continue to love him and respect him and learn from him "after all these years." He commented that he is more satisfied in ministry than ever.
Yesterday, Krista and I celebrated sixteen years, and my feelings about marriage parallel Dr. MacArthur's feelings about ministry. I know Krista pretty well, and, what's more, she knows me pretty well. (And she still acts like she likes me!) I can say without hesitation that I have never been so happily married. It just keeps getting better and better. The more time we spend together, walking through the transitions of life, knowing each other more deeply every day, my observing her reach out to others, nurturing and teaching our kids, and on and on and on, I marvel at how God has blessed me with this woman. I only hope I can find a way to make her as happy as she makes me.
Krista, I adore you more than ever.
5 Purposes of Marriage—Procreation
Category: Marriage
[Quick overview of the material from the last two year's of men's ministry]
Five Purposes of Marriage (Review Cont'd):
2. Procreation
We get to create life? It’s a command:
“Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28)
“Populate the earth abundantly and multiply in it.” (Genesis 9:7)
God’s plan for procreation: tax break? make babies? meet emotional needs of mothers? hold marriage together? carry on a family name? provide a challenge?
No, God’s intention is that children are born to married parents who will nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:1-4; Heb. 12:7).
Application questions: If you have pre-adult children, are you intentionally teaching them to love and serve Christ? Do you discipline them for wrongdoing? If your children are grown, are you intentional in your role as a parent of adult children?
5 Purposes of Marriage—Pleasure
Category: Marriage
[We reviewed the material from the last two year's of men's ministry last Saturday morning, and I thought I would post the outline notes here over the next few days or so.]
Five Purposes of Marriage (Review):
3. Pleasure
Jacob was passionate about Rachel. He worked 14 years to be allowed to marry her.
The honeymoon ought to be the low point of a marriage.
Our goal: Decent marriage where everyone gets along okay and no one commits adultery. Increasing delight and pleasure, anticipating the ecstasy of our marriage to Christ.
Anyone who observes a Christian husband and wife together ought to find themselves aching for a similar experience of delight, fulfillment, and gratification.
This kind of passion is rare...why?
Are we ignorant of God’s design for pleasure in marriage?
Are we lazy and prefer to remain in our sinful neglect?
Do we doubt that perpetual pleasure is possible?
Do we doubt that God condones our pursuit of pleasure with our wives, or (worse) that He opposes it?
Answer: Sin.
But, the Gospel brings forgiveness for failures. The Holy Spirit brings power for improvement.
Three pleasures of marriage:
1. Beauty
“Rachel was beautiful of form and face” (Gen. 29:17).
“[Esther] had a beautiful figure and was lovely to look at” (Esther 2:7).
Objective/Subjective beauty
2. Conversation
Intercourse—”The verbal exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings between people or groups.”
A marriage joins two people, heart and body. If either of these is missing, the marriage is deficient. A husband and wife must know each other, and the primary way in which we get to know another person is through conversation.
3. Sex
The world’s view of sex: Any man or woman with any man or woman, anywhere, anytime. It’s not a sacred thing, it’s not a private thing, it’s not an exclusive thing. It’s just a thing.
God’s view: Sex is a sacred, private, exclusive overflow of the love between a husband and his wife. It is to be received with gratitude and joyfully engaged in frequently.
God’s Word is not reluctant to speak openly and positively about the pleasure of sex. Nor, does it restrict itself to vague euphemisms and allusions.
Solomon to his son: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (Prov. 5:19)
God inspired an entire book of the Bible dedicated to the romantic, erotic, sexual aspect of marriage—The Song of Songs!
Application questions: Would you work 7 years for your wife? If so, would it flow from nobility or passion? If you lack this kind of passion for your wife, what has changed? God adorned His wife with beautiful jewelry and clothes (Ezek. 16), how do you adorn your wife? Do you see your wife as beautiful? When was the last time you told her specifically and explicitly of her beauty? Do you talk with your wife, or do you give each other briefings? What lesser things take up time that could be spent in good conversation with your wife? Do you know your wife? Do you look at sexthe way the world looks at it or the way God looks at it? Are you robbing your wife of the joy of sex by indulging your lusts through sinful thoughts and fantasies? Are you leading your wife in a passionate, frequent, Song-of-Songs-like expression of marital love through God-honoring sexuality? Is your marriage a pleasure to be in for both you and your wife?
5 Purposes of Marriage—Purity
Category: Marriage
[We recently reviewed the material from the last two year's of men's ministry, and I thought I would post the outline notes here over the next few days or so.]
Five Purposes of Marriage (Review):
4. Purity
Sexual desire is God’s idea. He created it; He endorses it. There is nothing in the world more natural than for a man and woman to want to have sex, including all of its sights, sounds, scents, and sensations.
However, just because something is natural does not make right.
Two kinds of impurity: head & bed
David & Bathsheba—First David lusted (head), then he committed adultery (bed).
Temptation must be killed the moment it arises, so that it does not lead to sin of either kind (James 1:14-15).
General defense against lust: changed heart (Matt. 5:29-30; 15;19), focused mind (Col. 3:1-3), spiritual disciplines (prayer, Scripture, walking in the Spirit, fellowship, worship).
Specific Defense: run (like Joseph) to our wives (1 Cor. 7). The apostle is commanding regular, frequent sex in a marriage for the purpose of avoiding temptation. After seeing Bathsheba, David should have either turned his mind elsewhere, or gone to his wife for sexual fulfillment.
Application questions: Are you avoiding areas of known temptation (internet, TV, bookstores, magazines, etc.)? Are you actively practicing the spiritual disciplines? Are you cultivating a vibrant, healthy sexual relationship with your wife? When naked Bathshebas appear unexpectedly (TV ads, bumper stickers, newspaper articles, Men’s Ministry studies, checkout line magazine, indecently dressed woman, etc.), do you turn to things above? Do you redirect your arousal toward your wife? Do you ponder sinful sexual things in your head? Do you pray for satisfying and joyful sex in your marriage? Do you pray for purity?