Chen
Ten Commandments
I must listen to myself, and not others.
I must not be swayed from what I know is right.
I must always consider before I act.
I must avoid people I cannot respect.
I must not be a slave to money.
I must not close my mind to new ideas.
I must not be afraid to be alone.
I must adhere to a programme of exercise.
I must always present a reasonable appearance.
I must always be polite to the unfortunate.
Making tea
He opens the cupboard door and lets his hand rummage. He scowls, as if
irritated because the cupboard is untidy, but he does not tidy it. Finding
a cup with a mesh insert he takes it to the kettle. He pours boiling water
on to the cluster of leaves at the bottom of the mesh, and waits.
He raises his head, and looks out of the window. He appears to watch the
snowflakes falling. His stare becomes fixed, his body is still. It is
impossible to tell if he is seeing the snow, or something else, something
inside his mind. Time passes, he still stares.
Suddenly he shudders. He looks down, and quickly takes the mesh full of
sodden leaves from the cup. He raises the cup to his lips, and says out
loud, “it’s cold.”
Dream
I walk into a mall, and step on an escalator. As I move up, I realise
that many people, all around are coming down. Then I realise that they
are moving fast, at least three times the speed of myself. For a moment,
this makes me anxious. I worry that I will not get to the top in time.
Everything will be gone. I consider starting to run up the steps of the
escalator. There is no one in front of me and so the way is clear. Then
I realise that the people coming down are manic, their faces are contorted,
their clothes are horribly dishevelled. I do not want to be like them.
I stay as I am on the escalator.
When I wake from this dream I am not, for the next hour, entirely happy
with myself. And yet, after this dream I go through the day with the belief
that whatever decisions I make, they will be the correct decisions.
Mirror
My mother, girls, comment on my eyes. They describe them as a rich brown,
and ‘velvety.’ Yet, as I look at them, they don’t seem
brown to me. There is nothing soft or deep about them. On the outer edge
of the pupil is a ring which is quite grey. And, just inside this is an
amber ring. They do not absorb. My eyes flash as if light plays on the
surface. I see nothing ‘velvety.’ They are hard, they can repel.
I like my brow. It is wide and flat and high. I like to feel it with my
palm, as I watch. If I saw a woman with a brow like this, I would call
her beautiful.
I hate Chen. He is arrogant and vain, more vain than a girl. My mother encourages this. Chen agrees with everything she says, and hangs on my father’s words, but he is pretending, playing at the respectful son, because he knows that’s what they like. I know that underneath he despises all of us.
He never talks to me, he never listens. I wish I had a brother who was outgoing and popular, who would bring home handsome friends. Chen has friends, but they are too good to introduce to his little sister. He thinks he is too good altogether.
When I am older I will earn a lot of money. I will have smart friends and a big house and hold famous parties, and I will not let Chen in. He will be so jealous. He will plead with me to be part of it. Yet, no. I can’t imagine that. I wish I could, I would enjoy it so much, but I can’t. I can’t imagine Chen pleading. I can’t. I just can’t.