Lock up your engaged couples


I am now empowered by Faulkner County and the State of Arkansas to perform marriages.

You fellow clergy out there will be familiar with this process, but for the rest of you, here's how you get your hands on the magic wand that turns single people into state-certified sexual partners and breeders.

First, get yourself ordained, elected or appointed as a judge or justice of the peace, or buy a boat that you can captain (although who issues the license in those cases?). Those routes to the altar might seem hard, but we live in marvelous times, folks. Times when a Seattle operation will ordain you over the internet for free. (Offer apparently not valid in New York City.)

Then, take the proof of your status as an ordained minister/active judge/retired judge/JP/etc. down to the county clerk. Announce: "I'd like to register to perform marriages."

A nice lady will take $5 from you, photocopy your credentials, and put them in a big official book. She'll show you where and how to sign on the marriage licenses that the matrimonial supplicants will wave at you. Then she'll give you a little blue card with your name and official-book page number on it. You will receive assurances that even though you are registered specifically in this county, you are able to perform legal marriages anywhere in the state.

Then you exit with a cheery wave, suddenly invested with the power to marry people. Just that simple.

It's one more step along my path to Norbian perfection. Like my mentor and academic hero, I aspire to run a full-service operation for my students: teach 'em, preach 'em, pair 'em up, and move 'em out!

Posted: Fri - May 18, 2007 at 07:47 PM         |

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