The New Devil's Dictionary


Tom Englehardt has revived interest in the early 20thC libertarian Ambrose Bierce's twisted and delightful "Devil's Dictionary" (my edition 1911). Some of his definitions were very much on target:

Nationalism n: How foreigners love their country (when they do). A very dangerous phenomenon that can lead to extremes of passion, blindness, and xenophobia. (See, Terrorism)

Oil n: 1. Black gold. 2. (defunct acronym) Operation Iraqi Liberation or OIL (name changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom, OIF, without explanation). 3. What the Bush administration wasn't after in Iraq and isn't after in Iran. (See, Democracy)

Patriotism n: How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better. (Foreigners cannot be patriotic. See, Nationalism).

Still, the original from 1911 has some apt definitions which have not lost their sting:

Barrack, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that which it is their business to deprive others.

Battle, n. A method of untying with the teeth a knot that would not yield to the tongue.

Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Gunpowder, n. An agency employed by civilized nations nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted.

History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Infidel, n. In New York one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople one who does.

Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

Patriotism,n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

President, n. The leading figure in a group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

Sycophant, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.

I would like to to try my own hand at a few definitions since the occasion is so ripe for it;

Red State - an American state which was once Blue (i.e voted for parties which represented small government and the free market) but which was not long ago redefined for opaque marketing reasons as its opposite Red (i.e. socialist, Red flag, reds under the bed); now means a state which supports without question the bloody red policies of foreign invasion and conquest by the boy emperor from Crawford and whatever policies the HeimatSicherheitsDienst (the HSD) puts forward.

Blue State - an American state which was once Red (i.e voted for parties which supported highly interventionist governments) but which was not long ago redefined for opaque marketing reasons as its opposite Blue; now means a state which supports without question the bloody policies of foreign invasion and conquest by the boy emperor from Crawford and whatever policies the HeimatSicherheitsDienst (the HSD) puts forward.

Homeland - (1) in its archaic form spelt with a lower case as in "homeland" - (from the low German heimat) the place where one was born, raised, went to school, got married, bought a home, had a family, and for obvious reasons had for which a certain fondness and sentimental attachment (see "Patriotism"); (2) in its modern form spelt with an upper case "H" as in "Homeland" - (from the nazified German Heimat) the central core of the State which expands through war and conquest of neighbouring territories to create a Grossraum of dependent territories which supply labour and raw materials to the Heimat, and upon which permanent military bases are established, and during which process many of the indigenous inhabitants are killed and internal liberties suspended (see "National Socialism", "Militarism").

Freedom - (1) in its archaic form freedom meant a protected sphere of human action independent of all state activity, encompassing self-ownership, private property, exchange of property with others (national and international), expression of ideas, participation in elections to remove bad governments; (2) in its modern form freedom means the right to be protected by a state which declares war against all enemies, foreign and domestic, real and imagined, regardless of national and especially international law; to have one's freedom of movement suspended so that shoes may be inspected and grandmothers cavity searched for plastic explosives; to be able to protest the government's actions in small enclosures protected by barbed wire out of earshot of anyone who might hear them; to pay higher taxes for munitions to drop on obscure villages in the Middle East; to have the press meekly reproduce press handouts from the White House as "News" (see "Defunct"); to have traditional "Town Meetings" at election time turned into invitation only "love fests" for Big Brother; ... [the Editor has intervene here to reduce what otherwise would have been a very long diatribe].

There is no more.

Posted: Tue - March 29, 2005 at 08:55 PM        

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