Edgewise #4

My glorious and celestial leaders at FANTASTICON (who, contrary to rumor, are NOT disembodied, primary-colored brains floating in glass cases of nutrient fluid) have instructed me that EDGEWISE cannot continue until I've made my position clear on STAR TREK. "No one will respect your opinions on sci-fi, fantasy and the like until they know where you stand on this absolutely vital issue," they said to me, telepathically. Not that they don't have lips. That's just an ugly rumor. Nevertheless, rather than raise their ire and have them crush my still-beating heart in my chest with their mighty telekinetic powers, following are my opinions (in fact; the only possible CORRECT opinions) on all things Trek. Clip and save this one and try and memorize it, so you won't look stupid at parties.

STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES

I like this one the best. A bizarro humanism combines with the best of sixties American imperialism to breathtaking effect. Cowboy Captain Kirk screwed his way across the galaxy and phasered anything he didn't understand. Sometimes he phasered stuff he DID understand, just because it was so butt-ugly. Then he'd give a speech about the inherent wonderfulness of humanity. Damn straight. The "Prime Directive" was taken about as seriously as the average TV cop takes the instruction, "I mean it, hand over your badge! You're off of this case!" By the way, in the original series, the Prime Directive was STAR TREK's sacred creed of absolute non-interference in alien cultures &emdash;you know, unless Kirk thinks it's time for some changes around here. This is how it SHOULD be (in THE NEXT GENERATION, they'd screw up this rule something fierce. We'll talk more about that later). STAR TREK was at its best when the scripts were morality plays in sci-fi drag. The ingenious device of splitting the main character's psyche into three distinct characters (Kirk, Spock and McCoy as ego, super-ego and id) allowed what would normally be INTERNAL ethical and emotional struggles to play EXTERNALLY, as dramatic scenes. Plus, plenty of running, jumping, fighting, women in scanty clothes and, most importantly, MONSTERS.

(Dwayne McDuffie's Second law of enjoying science fiction and not being such a damned nerd: TV and movie Science Fiction projects should always have MONSTERS in them, otherwise I'll just watch LAW AND ORDER.)

But the most important fact about the original series is this: even the suckiest ones &emdash;you know; the space Hippies; the remote-controlled Mr. Spock; the one with the flying fake vomit creatures&emdash; even these weren't BORING. Sadly, this would never again be true.

Next week, I'll continue to tell you what your opinions on STAR TREK should be, touching on all the movies and on STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. I'll likely torque you off something fierce. You wouldn't want to miss THAT, now would you?

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