Dwayne McDuffie's Web Column Archives

O.J., J.D. and Me

My mail's always weird, but the past two weeks have brought several entries that easily rank in the ninety-ninth percentile of the many strange and dangerous things people have sent me. Seriously, this stuff is right up there with the letter bombs from Aryan Nation, the nude Polaroids of the nice policewoman (to be fair, she was wearing her hat and holster), and the 800-page handwritten script for a proposed movie biography about Jimmy Walker. Not the former Mayor of New York, mind you, but that embarrassing idiot who played "J.J." on Good Times. And that makes a great place for a segue, because today's tale of terror is all about mistaken identity. Maybe a sample of the mail in question will help explain:

Dear J.D.,

Congratulations on your new web site! I've been a fan for years and was real excited to find out you're still racing! I never bought your comic books before, but you can bet I will from now on!

Burn Rubber, Bubba.

(signature deleted)

I got around a half-a-dozen e-mails like that before I figured out what was going on. As it turns out, there's a NASCAR racer by the name of J.D. McDuffie. If you don't know about NASCAR yet, don't worry, you will. Even though it's currently relegated to mostly southern venues, I'm told stock car racing is the fastest-growing spectator sport in America. Before long, it's bound to start showing up in some of the free states. Somehow a link to my e-mail has shown up on one or another of J.D.'s sites. Some of his more enterprising fans have made their way to my site. Naturally, they're confused. There's not a word to be found about race cars at www.dwaynemcduffie.com. I don't even have a driver's license.

The extra weird part is, I'm almost never mistaken for anyone else. Okay, actress Halle "Storm" Berry once mistook me for Michael Dorn, the actor who plays "Worf" on Star Trek. I did not consider this a compliment. Reportedly, at the time, Halle also mistakenly believed I was wearing full Klingon makeup. In retaliation for her faux pas, I've vowed to never date her, no matter how often she asks. But you know me, quick to anger, quick to forgive. I may yet reconsider. But that begs the question, who would drive?

What have I learned from all this? Well, for one thing, football fans are smarter than NASCAR fans. You want proof? I've never received a single e-mail intended for Miami Dolphins Wide Receiver, O.J. McDuffie, who although he's only about half my size, could reasonably be mistaken for me at a distance, as we're both black. J.D. is not black. Also, O.J. and I are both still alive. J.D.'s been dead since 1991.

I don't know if O.J. and J.D. ever get each other's fan mail. I mean, that's an easy mistake to make, they both go by their initials. Then again, both J.D. and I have worn beards at various times (I grew mine in an attempt to get work in comics after I noticed that comic book writers are all fat guys with beards, except for the three skinny guys with beards, who will get fat after they start making enough money to buy food). Look, this may be more complicated than I thought. Perhaps the following chart will help clear up any remaining confusion:

O.J. McDuffie	J.D. McDuffie	Dwayne McDuffie
Professional Football Player	Professional Race Car Driver	Professional Writer
5'10" 195 lbs.	5'6" 160 lbs.	6''7" 260 lbs.*
1st round draft choice, eight-year veteran	25 years on pro circuit	Never drafted
Never been in Super Bowl	Never won a major race	Lost three Eisner Awards in less than 15 minutes
Sidelined with knee injury	Died in car crash	Feeling dandy, other than that Eisner thing

* Nutri-System working very well so far, I'm not even hungry!

That's about all the space I've got left for this week but before I go, I've one last clarification to make. I know a lot of my fellow comic book lovers out there are feeling pretty smug after hearing about the silly mistake those NASCAR fans made. Well, wipe that smirk off your face. Apparently, some of our own ranks also belong in the category of "needs very simple ideas explained to them repeatedly and very slowly." To wit (or in this case, to half-wits); the "ads" at the top of this column every week are fakes. They're supposed to be amusing. So stop sending me e-mails asking where you can get "1000 Cheap-Ass Toy Soldiers" or "Milk of Amnesia." There's no such thing.

Honestly, I can't believe I have to explain this stuff.