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Comically Resolute
I have a friend who describes me as the kind of guy who can find the silver lining in any dark cloud. She also describes me as the kind of guy who will then invariably explain exactly why it is that silver linings, all appearances to the contrary, are actually a very bad thing. Admittedly, this is not a good attitude. In the spirit of the new millennium, I'm going to try and develop a more positive personna. That's right, this is going to be yet another one of those pathetic New Year's Resolution columns.
Resolution #1: TRY NOT TO UNDERCUT MY PREMISE BY THE END OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. See above. I'm just starting, so I don't think the last paragraph should count against me.
Resolution #2: POSITIVE ATTITUDE CHANGE. As regular readers of this column know, I'm a broken and bitter man. With effort, by the end of the year, I intend to only be a damaged and sour man.
Resolution #3: STOP BITCHING ABOUT THE LACK OF FREEBIES. As a result of what appears to be cost-cutting moves on the part of publishers last year, graft and swag to Yours Truly slowed to a trickle. I'm not happy about it, but I'm going to try not to complain about it so much, as I sense my vast and looney readership is beginning to get bored with this topic. I sense this mostly because you keep sending me e-mails saying you're bored with this topic.
Resolution #4: STOP SAYING COMICS ARE DOOMED. I mean, obviously they are but it's rude to keep pointing it out to people who like them. Anyway, maybe there will be some sort of unaccountable miracle and things will get better (Like my new attitude? I'm getting a jump on Resolution #2,).
Resolution #5: READ MORE COMICS. Even though they're way too expensive, much too hard to follow and since my local comic book store doesn't even carry Static Shock, my comic, I feel like a loser whenever I go in there (I mean, besides the general feeling of being a loser that everyone has when they go into a comic store). Did that last sentence ever actually come to an end? Anyway, my point is since I write this column, reading comics is sort of my job. I'll do better.
Resolution #6: STOP CREEPING READERS OUT WITH PERSONAL STUFF. If you watch The Sopranos, you know what I mean. Often this column reads as if I'm Tony Soprano, this column is a psychiatric session and you, dear reader, are my drunken therapist. I'll try to stop working out my issues on your time. And you should stop drinking so much, your voice is getting kind of raspy.
Resolution #7: GO BACK ON MY DIET. In the past year, through a strict regimen composed entirely of not ever eating any food that tastes good, I've lost over 70 pounds. I did this because I was afraid that I'd get diabetes or hypertension and die. Or maybe another stroke. Anyway, as the holiday season came around, I was only 6 pounds from my goal weight. Unfortunately, I've spent most of the holiday season hanging out with my trusty sidekick, Robin, whose new favorite phrase is "let's go have some snacks." My new favorite phrase is "okay." Now I'm 12 pounds from my goal weight (245 pounds, but I'm big-boned). Did I just break Resolution #6?
Resolution #8: STOP PICKING ON DC COMICS QUITE SO MUCH. Not that they don't deserve it, mind you. Over the years, they've blown so much smoke up my ass that, aside from the weight, my biggest health risk is colon cancer. Still, that's personal. To DC's credit, they're publishing Static Shock (albeit pretty much secretly) and they also consistently publish really good compilation volumes. So I'm going to refrain from taking every fourth cheap shot that occurs to me. There, I just did it.
Resolution #9: STOP BEGGING FOR READER MAIL. Because it's not cool to beg. Even though I used to get more than three times as much mail as I do now. Even though my Psycomic Forum (doesn't that sound kind of suggestive? "Dear Psycomic Forum, I never believed these letters were real, but that was before the identical twin strippers working their way through college selling lap dance subscriptions showed up at my door…") gets like, one post for every 63 million posts the J. Michael Straczynski forum gets. And I'm not even going to mention Kevin Smith, whose forum gets more mail than mine even on weeks where he doesn't turn in a column. You know what? Screw this, I am begging for mail I'm especially interested in hearing what readers think of my new, kinder and gentler persona. If I don't get some positive feedback pretty quick, it's not going to last, I'm already feeling the strain. Remember that a smile uses only 14 muscles but a frown has over four dozen to share the work.
Dwayne McDuffie is the co-creator of Icon, Static Shock and Damage Control. Static Shock: Rebirth of the Cool #2 is on the stands even as we speak, so why are you still sitting here? To celebrate the year 2001, Dwayne is offering free round-trip tickets to the moon colony, courtesy Pan Am, to everyone who visits his web site. Or he would, if the moon hadn't been blown out of Earth's orbit back in 1999.
