Dear Mr. Henry,
The midwest is much bigger than you think and the people are not nearly as flat as you suggest. Bob Evans is not an outlaw and Tom Raper is not in his gang and is not wanted for questioning. In fact, he just has an unfortunate last name but has never been wanted by law enforcement, ever! Buckeye is not the same thing as buckskin which despite your insistence is not bullet proof. If it were, I would suspect hunting season (which opened up here a few days ago) would be very short. James Dean is not still alive, hiding in Marcus' basement sipping on Muncie's finest beer. Vikings do not have a power base in Duluth, however Lutherans do. Chicago DOES have a McDonalds - many in fact, they seemed to be headquartered there. I will send you postcards.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I will be back home today. Let's chat then.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Our correspondence has never been consistent especially since we've found Facebook, but I thought I'd write you again here and catch you up on what I've been doing. Recently as you know, I started a new band called Among The Oak & Ash. Six months ago we recorded a record in Nashville and as of two months or so ago it was picked up by a record label. Now I won't reveal the labels name to you out of extreme caution and learned experience, the last thing I need is for you to start calling them with your advice on how to run my career. It's extremely distracting for my manager, not to mention how confusing it is for those who are doing there best to get my music out there when you go around saying that you represent me. I don't think I have to I have to remind you of the meltdown you caused for Mandy Goodman, the publicist at my last label Yeproc/11:30. I know you consider yourself rather adept at this business as a result of living next door to Clive Davis in the 1970's but trust me, I don't need your help. Anyhow, we will be launching a website for the band and making some changes to this one pretty soon. Also, we'll be heading out on tour possibly in May and June. I'll keep you apprised of any updates and let you know when "Among The Oak & Ash" have any shows. By the way, I'm sorry to tell you, Mandy Goodman is still not ready to "unblock" your friend request on Facebook.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I just heard from Eric Taylor. He and his family are finally moving to Africa in July, so we are going to dedicate our shows at Eddies Attic to him in the hopes that we send him off properly. I am really hoping you'll make it down too Mr. Henry. It's time that you two make up and you tell him you're very sorry for breaking his Wii paddle. You are going to regret if you don't. This will be Josh Joplin Group's last show before he leaves and most likely Josh Joplin Group's last show. So come out, please.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
You are so right! I haven't entered a Starbucks since we tried and failed to have the one at 81st and Broadway host our "Prosery Slam", which by the way, we should resurrect that idea - who wouldn't want to hear Hawthorne set to hip-hop beats? Where was I? Oh yeah, their coffee does taste like burnt marshmallow skin and peanuts. Back to "the slam" do you think DJ Circumstance would still be interested? I think he might be. Did he get his visa or did they ship him back to Scotland? I wonder? If they didn't we should see if he'd still want to do it. Come to think of it, he may not be so keen on the idea afterall, remember how upset he was when we told him that we wouldn't be including any of Robert Burns' poems because they were impossible to read or understand. As I recall, he didn't take it well.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I am off to Alaska to see my brother and his family. I appreciate you taking care of the my Bonsai tree, Mishima while I am gone. I am looking forward to the trip but not the travel, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, thank you again, I'll talk to you in a couple of weeks.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
What can I say? An article exposing editorial corruption and the corporate workings of The Voice was probably not your most prudent choice. I know that independent reporting is your signature, but I think that you needed to quote more sources at the Voice other than yourself. This makes the eighth time you've been fired from the paper. I don't know if they're going to give you a job in the future. You may have burned every bridge you had now. Especially since they've been bought out by Nathan Arizona himself. He does not take kindly to independence.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
We are going go Arties to celebrate the ending of the strike. Do you want to come? Let me know and I'll call ahead. Claire will be there, so don't bring up American Gladiators ok? She's still disappointed she didn't pass the audition.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
When did you return to work? Jack Niles told me that you got your old job back at the Village Voice. Is that true? If so, congratulations! I know you really loved it over there, the muckraking, the scoops, the characters, the stories, the research, everything. Your three part series on the rampant and dangerous practice of price and eye gouging at New York Cities best known bondage clubs was particularly informative. That's the kind of hard hitting story that the venerable old rag of the underground has been missing since they let you go.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
What a wonderful surprise to see you at the show last night! Thanks for coming out. I'll see you tomorrow at Murray's. Have a good night Mr. Henry.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I am headed to Atlanta. I doubt I'll have time to hit the World Of Coke but if I do I'll send you some pictures. It really does exist! Just Google it.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Yes, I too pledge my loyalty to The Sturgeon King. You were right! Best lox anywhere! Anyhow, I am thankful this year for many things, first and foremost, I am thankful for your quick recovery from your injuries. I know it's been a hard few weeks but I am so glad your up and about. I am also thankful for the fact that you've decided to put the whole ordeal behind you. It's better this way. There's no way a train full of people could have determined just how clever your costume actually was. I know they didn't give you time to explain that you were going to the Village parade dressed as "the shadow of your farmer self", before they started wailing on you but I'm sure if you were in their shoes you may have been slightly offended to see a man in blackface and overalls sitting next to you too. It's just one of those things really. A big misunderstanding. When it comes to you, I have so much to be thankful for and now you've just added one more thing to my list; introducing me to Murray The Sturgeon King of course. And now I too am his loyal subject. Long live the King! Happy Thanksgiving.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I'll visit you today. Do you need anything? I'll pick it up on my way. I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's so sad, all because of a horrendous misunderstanding of your costume. Who knew it could lead to this? A broken arm, a bruised jaw, a concussion, and a sprained neck. I mean a whole subway car full of Halloween revelers coming to the same conclusion, that you were somehow making a racist statement with your costume. Did you try to explain that you were the 'Shadow Of Your Farmer Self' and that's why had your face covered in black shoe polish? It's bad enough they thought you were a hate filled bigot, done up as Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer and getting off by wearing some sort of twisted homage to the minstrel show, but for everyone on the whole train to take a turn punching you in the gut, while someone held your arms, well that's just plain old wrong.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Just to add to the conversation we had the other day about movies we can't turn off if they're on, The Goodbye Girl. Am I right? What a great movie! Everytime.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only person in the world that liked the movie Ishtar. I'm not embarrassed to admit that and I'm glad to see you're not either. Sometimes you can find it on some random cable station that's far too broke to pay for a blockbuster film or for that matter any film made after 1999 These stations will show everything from Romancing the Stone, to Catch 22, to Waterworld, to The Wiz. I love these stations! They suck me in every time.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I'll be picking up Clay at Laguardia tomorrow, do you want to come? I have to warn you that I'm going to rent a Zipcar for the trip. I know that you have certain unfounded (as of yet) ideas about their operation. Though I have yet to meet anyone else who shares your concern that Zipcar is in cahoots with Homeland Security and Rotary International, that doesn't mean that I'm not sympathetic to your paranoia because I am. It only means that I need to be reminded again whether your antipathy precludes you from riding in one of their cars at all. I'm sorry I've forgotten all the shades of entanglement that you've shared with me already. Hey! maybe you can remind me again on our drive to the airport. That is of course if you'll go.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I just wanted to remind you that I'm playing my first show in almost three years next Saturday at the Tin Angel in Philly. People have been asking Clay and me for years if they would ever get the chance to meet you, so... I'm really hoping you'll come along with us. Perhaps we could even do that duet of Endless Love we worked out? What do you say?
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Sorry I had to rush out. I do want to finish our conversation. We left off at the part where you think you were being considerate of Mr. Eli Wallach by not bothering him while he was trying to order his cold cuts. Now just so I'm clear, here's how I saw events unfold at Zabar's: You were pushing your way through the throngs of customers (mostly seniors) so that you could get close enough to Mr. Eli Wallach to ask for his autograph. Meanwhile, he was waiting at the deli for his number to be called (just like everyone else). When they called his number, he acknowledged them by raising his right hand; he then approached the counter and asked for a half pound of low sodium turkey; at which point you reached into his cart and stole his shopping list. Is that accurate? The thing is, you seem quite pleased with how things worked out. It doesn't trouble you at all! It makes you feel good that you didn't have to bother him and that in the end; your actions could have some residual health benefits to the venerable actor. By taking the one reminder he had that he was out of whitefish salad and Nutello, you may have saved him from eating unnecessary cholesterol. That reminds me, I have to go to the store.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I am still researching the origin of the Midwest's penchant for cutting their pizza into little squares. I still haven't gotten very far with it. I will let you know what I find out.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Thanks for calling about not being able to make it today. I didn't have to sit around waiting for you like I did the last time you took one of those Chinatown busses. I had no idea what had happened to you, remember? I thought maybe you had missed your bus back and were stuck in Boston, and that it would take you forever to get home. Wow, was I wrong! You hadn't even made it to Boston because you strolled onto the wrong bus altogether and ended up in Washington DC, where you slept in the bushes at the Jefferson Memorial. What a weekend, huh? My favorite part of the whole story though, is when you denied that you had made the mistake in the first place and tried to convince Jack Niles and me, that your sister's wedding plans had been changed only hours before your departure, to accommodate your Great Aunt Mabel, in Arlington, Virginia. That still makes me laugh every time. Anyhow, let me know how your trip went this time.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
If you are right, and I am not saying that you aren't, then we should talk about how to deal with the fact that you are being wire tapped by the government, but in person - not over the phone. As for your political activities, I don't believe that voting for Sanjaya several dozen times is considered seditious or for that matter relevant to the FBI or the CIA. As for your arrest at the Republican Convention well, I think that is still working its way through the courts. Whatever video the NYCPD took of you that day will probably come to light anyday now and we can all move on and put that travesty of justice behind us. Don't forget you were innocent of all charges! By the way, I talked to Manny Frankle today, and he does not want you to call him or anyone at his firm about this. He says the last time you roped him into one of your conspiracy cases it got him taken off the list off the list of suitable candidates for partner. He eventually had to change law firms so that he wouldn't have to hear his colleague snickering behind his back. He still sounds angry at you.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
When are you coming by? The guy is here about the vintage Moog synthesizer, "signed" by Bernard Sumner, that you are apparently offering for sale or barter on Craigslist. It comes as a small surprise to me that you have the original studio equipment used for the Blue Monday recording session. You just never mentioned it to me, which is strange because you know that I love New Order. Hmm? Anyhow, he's here to "run errands for you, and to do light house work." So when you get this, give me a call.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Were you at the party? I was there and I didn't see you. You left a message as if you had gone. I mean it's a studio apartment, it's not like we would have missed each other. Anyhow, Little Bird had a great birthday party and we all had a great time. I'm sure you did too. Where ever you were. Perhaps behind the ficus?
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
So I have looked into SoundExchange, the U.S. Copyright Office-approved quasi-official body that collects money for performances of recordings on digital cable and satellite TV, Webcasts, and satellite radio and then disburses a portion to artists, and it looks like a mixed bag. First off, the only people who really play my music are online broadcasters and that by making them pay royalties on the order of terrestrial radio is quite possibly going to kill the fledgling medium. Another problem I have with these folks are their plans to collect retroactively. This just seems punitive. Finding music we may not have either-wise heard on traditional radio is going to be much more difficult if webcasters have to shut down do to these costs. That would really be a shame for those of us who really love all kinds of music. As a songwriter on the Soundexchange list who has "not been found yet" but is owed money through them, I have really conflicting feelings about the course they are on; which I believe is likely to kill many great outlets for unknown artists. I'm not saying that these artists or any artist for that matter, shouldn't be paid for their work, I am only saying that maybe a system that relates to the reality of this emerging medium would be more appropriate.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I guess it's just you and me. This book idea was crazy to begin with. I'm a songwriter. I have no business trying to write anything else. What should I do? I should tour! that's what I should do. Look at me; I've got my own website, not many people have their very own website. I have 34 fans (if you count family, and you know that I do). A guitar. That's good, right? I still have a guitar. I have to change the strings but it's still here. Oh yeah and by the way, Chapter 6 is not about your attempted affair with Mrs. Hogarth-Underwood. To this day I have no idea what your obsession is with her. She was a very capable Social Studies teacher but she didn't have what I would call an attractive personality. Or face. Anyhow, back to me for one second...YES I've been drinking! I need to get off my ass and get my ass off..the, wait... let me start over. I need to do something with my life. You are not helping me find a better option by suggesting that I go back and get my GED. An eighth grade education from one of the finest Quaker schools in the country, has prepared me quite adequately for a life lived in thoughtful repose. So what do you say? I'm gonna call our friends up and see what they think about it. And to answer your question: No! I am not telling Dr. Wosley about this.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Hope your doing well and are recovering swiftly. I understand that the last step was a doozy. Please know that we all miss you and are looking forward to your return.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Your entry into the field of Phrenology has been most interesting to me, not so much because your practice is legally questionable at best, but because you have willing clients in the first place. A waiting list even! It's unbelievable! With that said, your diagnosis that my retirement from the business of music last year was probably caused by a small lump on my reflective faculties and a very slight irregularity in my domestic propensities does not change the fact that I think you are a total huckster and should stop this nonsense immediately before they throw you in jail. Also, prescribing me an intensive session of scalp massage therapy "STAT" will not change my mind about your chicanery or my decision.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Finally the website is back up and running. I don't know what I did to screw it all up and that's the problem, because it means I'm likely to do it again. Well now that it's all taken care of I have nothing really to write about so I'm off to bed. Hope you're doing well.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
It's been quiet around here since you left. Jack Niles asked about you yesterday. He claims that you owe him some money. March Madness was mentioned. Betting is a new development for you. Do you know anything about college basketball? Since you graduated from a school that had no basketball team at all, I just assumed that you wouldn't have much interest in the sport. Oh...wait a minute! Let me guess, this has something to do with your fixation with Gonzaga. Mr. Henry, it's been nearly twenty years since they rejected your application, I think it may be time to let it go. Your life might not have been much different had they accepted you. Think about it.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
So you've caught that cold everyone seems to have had this season. It was bound to happen you've been wearing down your immune system for years. Maybe now you'll stop saying, "a hot cup of Theraflu, keeps the doctor's bills to very few" It's not a preventative medicine Mr. Henry, I don't care what Frank Roccio says. Aside from the fact that you're getting wellness advice from a man who's always sick and suffering from one ailment or another; and that he drinks Theraflu instead of coffee cause he likes the taste...aside from all that, he's crazy! He is out of his mind, Mekong Delta crazy! Call me when you get back from the doctor's office. I'll come by with some soup.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
It's good to be back. I missed it here. Not much has changed. I'm cleaning the dust off of the furniture and retuning my guitars. Next to Windex, their is nothing better than Orange Fantastik. What I like even more than it's fresh citrus smell, is the quasi-Bolshevik spelling of Fantastik. Now as things go, I don't normally like anything in the "orange" family. For example, cheese curls skeeve me out. Beyond the fact that it only takes one curl to do as much damage to my mouth as a whole bowl of Cap'n Crunch, there's something gross about that powdery rusty residue, that acts as per-ma dye, seeping into your skin like iodine, that says "carcinogen" to me. I don't mind a glass of orange juice once in a while but I can't eat an orange itself. It's a texture thing. Now that I think about it, I may have shared my aversion to orange foods with you already. I am going to attempt to put this subject behind me by organizing my thoughts into lists. least favorite orange things: Gatorade Kraft Macaroni And Cheese Orange Amps velveeta Orange County, Fla. candy peanuts Sunkist Doritos hunting gear Orange County, Ca small traffic cones Cheez Balls Garfield here now for some orange favorites: Fantastik Nerf balls Orangina Christo's The Gates (which I didn't think I'd like but I loved) large traffic cones sherbert jumpsuits chedder cheese Manischewitz (now that's Kosher!)
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I hope you're doing well!
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
So far, so good. I am still packing and imagine I'll be ready to leave by the 3rd. Let me know how far along you are. I'm still not sure I've told everyone that I'm leaving. They'll figure it out I guess. We'll just send them postcards. I guess that's it for now. Talk to you soon.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
So I've done some research and I talked to my friend Howard Downey about your situation. He say's that what happened to you is not uncommon. Many people with good credit and high paying jobs are rejected by Discover Card every day. I told him that you had every card under the sun and that you didn't even need a Discover Card but he wasn't even phased, although he did inquire why you bothered applying in the first place. I told him about your lifelong struggle to be accepted by Discover and that the fact that you haven't been has led to your incredibly low self esteem. I even quoted your "Holy Grail Of Plastic" speech. He told me that he heard from a pretty reliable source that Discover Card uses a "cool name" only policy. According to secret internal memos, that his friend was privy to, they switched several years ago to a stringent "cool name" standard, regardless of credit history. This means only people with names like Jack Johnson or Daisy Fuentes or Suzanne Malveaux are accepted, while the Stockard Channing's and Spiro Agnew's of the world are rejected out of hand. He told me you shouldn't feel bad, he's been rejected too.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
How was your flight home? I'll be arriving in a few more days so we should arrange where to pick me up at JFK. Unfortunately, my flight gets in around at 5:15 PM, I couldn't change it. Do NOT take your short cut through Queens this time to avoid traffic. It's not shorter and it will only make you late. Why don't you bring Jack Niles along with you? He's great at getting around the city, especially in rush hour, and knows a ton of alternate routes. He drove a cab for five years you know. If you do call him, don't bring up your book club, he doesn't want to hear about it. See you soon!
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Our friend Claire has reminded me that I have been rather lax in writing you lately. As you well know, we've been traveling together for the past three weeks throughout Europe and it's made corresponding difficult. Our performances have been received wonderfully and I feel like this tour has been our best yet. Perhaps, it's time to admit, once and for all all, who we really are. Let's tell Claire and the rest our friends back home that we are, famous mime duo, "Mork and Winters". I think some may have their suspicions already. Sure, they many be a little shocked at first, but eventually they'll accept us. They might even appreciate knowing the first and only TALKING mimes in the history of man. What do you say? Forget about the The New Yorker review...and the Times...and the Globe... and the Post... and well, you know, everyone else's review, just remember these are our friends and they will love us no matter what. "Mork and Winters" is a big part of who we are. The burden that we bear of being artists ahead of our times is difficult enough without keeping our identities a secret. Europeans don't deride us. They get it! And one day America will too. We'll be celebrated everywhere, and reviews like; "Gallagher times 2"; "mimes without a face"; "Marceau Mar-so-what?" will be a thing of the past. When we get back to New York let's reveal ourselves. We have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I hope Tootles is okay. I'm sure he doesn't have "the bird flu". I think you maybe over reacting to his lack of energy; considering he's a 38 year old bird who's never shown much interest in active endeavors. I think your concern is natural however, and not surprising, since you spend about ten hours a day watching CNN. If you want my honest opinion, I've never heard Tootles speak one word, let alone all the things you claim he could say before "the illness". I am also very confident he never had the ability to read. You never mentioned his take on Judy Miller and The Times before yesterday, so I am naturally skeptical. I'm interested on what the vet thinks is wrong with him.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I've been spending the last few days catching up on sleep. I see that you left me a few messages. I haven't listened to them yet but I will. You may not even be back from L.A. yet but if you are, call me and let me know how performances went.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I am sitting in the Philadelphia Airport waiting for my flight which has now been canceled twice. This is why I don't like flying airlines that have declared bankruptcy. I knew I was in for a long day when the skycap said, "good luck sir, I hope your flight eventually comes." I am in the terminal now staring at a mobile kiosk called Strappies, which sells a variety of eyeglass chains as well as some other senior citizen eye-ware accessories, such as, large print T-shirt's and those "Future Shades" that the elderly sport over their prescription specs. I have been here for three hours now and have yet to see one person even slow down to browse their selection let alone buy anything. I'm starting to think I might want a pair of "Future Shades". They do look pretty cool.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I got your invite. Wow! Another chance to see you perform, 'Motion Sickness, The Dance Of Movement'. This is great. Wow! They rented you the space again?! That is a surprise. Wow! It took huh? The critics loved it. Magical huh? You have an agent now. Wow! That is terrific Mr. Henry. I imagine you must be thrilled. Wow! That's all I can think to say.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Today I did absolutely nothing. I'm surprised I didn't hear from you. Where are you? Let me know if your going to Jack Niles' party. He said you were more than welcome to come as long as you stayed away from the person, or persons serving beverages. He specifically requested that you not bother anyone making mixed drinks. He also asked that you not bring your guitar.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
You owe Manny Frankle an apology. This is why you shouldn't accuse people of stealing things, when you know good and well, no one wants that old nasty Timex of yours. The idea that you think Manny would steal your watch in the first place is ridiculous. Do you really believe the crazy conspiracies you come up with? Honestly, do you think Manny wanted to make you late for your meeting with Bantham because he really doesn't want your book published. I've talked to him a few times and I don't think he believes any character in it is based on him; let alone the introverted shopkeeper who kills his wife. It is a stretch after-all, considering Manny is gay, fantastically social, and a bookie.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I couldn't figure out what you were saying today. You were cutting in and out. I caught the part about Manny Frankle stealing your watch, although I suspect that isn't what happened at all, but I missed the whole thing about applying to colleges for me. Are you saying that you submitted applications to schools on my behalf? If that's what you're telling me, you're nuts! Why would you do that? Is this because of that Ginny Yang review?
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I am just getting back in town. How was everything while I was gone? Let's get together tomorrow.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
"Eaters not welcome!" That's what they claim was written on their box office. This is apparently why they suspect it was you. Along with the fact, that Michelle, the girl taking tickets, witnessed you crossing the street with a can of paint in your hand. The manager called and left a message here. Your ban has been extended for six more months. He says, because you made, up until now, no effort to call him back and resolve the matter, he's considering further action. I think you should call Lincoln Plaza Cinema's today and get this over with once and for all.
Josh
To ALL my friends out there, I just wanted to to take a break from my letters to Mr. Henry and send my heart felt sympathy to everyone effected by Katrina. I urge anyone with the ability to do so, to volunteer space in your home to families who remain homeless. Here is a website for anyone interested in doing just that: http://www.hurricanehousing.org If that is not a possibility please donate whatever you can afford, to the Red Cross at http://www.redcross.org/
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I am headed for Montreal for the weekend. We'll talk about the graffiti when I return. By the way, Jack Niles asks that you not call him about the book club; he's very busy and says he couldn't possibly find the time to attend...ever!
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Now I know why you were asking me about what I was currently reading. I ran into Merc Caldwell at 2nd Avenue, and she informed me, rather, she warned me, that you are thinking about starting up a book club again. I heard the same thing from Jack Niles. If the rumors are true, and I'm sure they are, let me remind you of the fiasco that was your original book club, or have you forgotten? For one thing, you gave us all different books to read, for another, you demanded we take a role-call when there were only seven of us. It became obvious to us, that you were more keen in demonstrating the jurisdiction you perceived you had, by banging that gavel you brought with you, than you were in the stories of Timothy Findley and Amy Tan. You called our plot summaries and insights uninteresting. You invalidated our opinions, and asked those with "thick books" to get to the point. The long and short of it is; you went crazy with power, Mr. Henry, absolutely mad with it.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I'm reading two books right now; Waterland by Graham Swift, and The Glory Of It All by Sean Wilsey. Both are good so far. Why do you want to know?
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I was in Atlanta this weekend, playing shows. Sorry I missed your dance recital. Did it go ok? Was the response good? Because it's an unusual theme for dance; motion sickness. By the way, I have a message on my machine from Lincoln Plaza Cinema's, inquiring about some graffiti written on their box office. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Pat Robertson has NOT called for the assassination of Hugo Boss. You see, this is the problem when you get your information from the E channel news crawl. He wants Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela dead. He proposed on a recent program, that America's "Special Forces" go in there and take him out. He's just trying to save the American taxpayer money. God only knows, as do members of the 700 club apparently, how expensive war is. As for why you get sucked into E's "True Hollywood Stories", that's a whole other matter.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I went to Tower today and saw Jaywalker on the shelf. It was really satisfying to finally see it in a store. There I was, with my own piece of real estate. A tiny nook. A shelf, all to myself, over looking Dido and DJ Shadow. Tucked safely away, buffered between Janis and Journey. How nice it was to be home!
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Jaywalker gets released tomorrow.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
You seem to have forgotten about my boycott of the Chat-n-Chew. I don't eat there anymore and I didn't think, after what happened to me, you would either. To this day, they still have no "lost and found" and according to the manager don't intend to have one. If you forget something there, they just throw it away or perhaps give it to a lucky member of the kitchen staff. That's what happened to my cel. phone, remember? It isn't the fact that they can't be bothered with a "lost and found", although that's really bizarre, it's the secret way they go about carrying out their dirty little war on peoples personal effects that has me so angry. There's no warning. None. The host seating you doesn't say, "Here's our specials, and by the way, if you forget that umbrella, don't expect to ever see it again." Even a sign posted somewhere in the restaurant, stating their, Items Left Behind Shall Be Kept No Longer Than It Takes Us To Bus Your Table, rule, would go a long way in helping patrons remember their stuff. Until the Chat-n-Chew decides to join the civilized world, or until their food is actually worth overlooking their heinous policy, I will not be joining you for dinner there.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
The Chat-n-Chew sucks!
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
The feedback we've gotten so far about the site has been really positive. I want to thank all my friends in Germany for their comments, they've helped tremendously. We are doing our best to get the record released in Europe and hope to soon. I also want to thank you Mr. Henry for allowing me to share my letters to you. I will talk to you in person however, about touring with me this year. I'm just not sure people coming to rock clubs are open-minded enough, or even patient enough, to indulge you while you read excerpts from your novel, 'Autumn In The Afternoon'. Do you remember that performance you gave, when the guy rushed the stage and tried to set your book on fire, while you were holding it, I hasten to add? That was a Public Radio sponsored event - not exactly an audience known to take such violent measures. To be completely honest Mr. Henry, I'm not sure it was you, as you maintain, the crowd was cheering on.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
We launched my website today. I'm excited about it. Has it really been down for six and a half weeks?. I know I probably shouldn't have mentioned it to you; with the whole dehydration-60 hour-Everquest-marathon-fiasco. I also realize your computer's been confiscated by Dr. Wosley for the duration of your rehabilitation so, there's really no way for you to go online, but I can't see the harm in you coming by and checking it out on my computer. Call me when your done dealing with the storage place people.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
They told me down at the storage place that you are two months behind on rent. They said they would've normally thrown your stuff to the curb by now but, because you've been a favorite customer of theirs for nearly fifteen years, they only padlocked the door. Do you have to have your typewriter today?
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I have left several messages with the management at the theater and I'm still waiting to hear back from them. I'm going to talk to them and do whatever I can to change their minds. I know that you're a bit depressed right now, since Dr. Wosley had your computer taken away, but it's only temporary. You'll get it back in a few days when your no longer trying to cast spells at traffic lights.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Addressing you as Thibbledorf, Dark Elf Of Norrath, is simply not going to happen Mr. Henry. You should be thankful I'm calling you that and not many of the things I'm thinking of. You're so lucky that Dr. Wosley knows your obsessive history and brought along five bags of saline. He said your heart rate was almost undetectable. You spent two and half days without sleeping, eating, or drinking and by the grey-green tone of your skin I would venture to guess, rarely getting up from the computer to go to the bathroom. Come to think of it, that means the only thing you ate was that omelet last Friday. Now I understand why you were so giddy that morning, you had already downloaded "Everquest" hadn't you? You were just chomping at the bit to get back to your apartment so you could play. And all along, there I was, just happy you hadn't taken the whole Lincoln Plaza Cinema thing so hard. What a fool I was!
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
It's been two days now and you haven't returned any of my phone calls nor have you responded to my e-mails. I am coming over today and I'm bringing Dr. Wosley with me.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
So you've taken up online gaming. And THIS is the reason your no longer worried about the ban, huh? Does this also explain why you've not answered your phone today? Don't tell me this is going to turn into another obsession, like the "Highway To Heaven" marathon they had on PAX a few years ago, which nearly killed you.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I'm surprised how little you seem to care about your banishment from the Lincoln Plaza Cinemas. You would have thought the whole thing hadn't happened by the way you were acting at breakfast. I haven't seen you this spry in years. What's going on?
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
Thank you for being honest with me. I know it was hard for you to admit what you'd done, and for that, I am proud of you. I don't need to know what compelled you to heckle "March Of The Penguins", let alone whip Tam Tam Crackers at the screen, but I can't imagine it was worth it. What are you going to do now? Are they flexible at all on your three month ban? I would be happy to talk to them if you want me to. This reminds me of the time you freaked out in the middle of Buckaroo Banzai. Do you remember that? They kicked you out for almost a year then. We really should go down there and talk to them. I think it would help.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I find it hard to believe you were kicked out of a movie an hour and half into it, simply because they caught you snacking on Tam Tam Crackers. I'm sure you did something else to upset them. I mean, it's not like ushers ever come into the theater looking for smuggled goodies. They only come in when someone complains. So there must have been a complaint. Also, telling them that you had no idea you could "buy food" there, is the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever heard, especially because you're a regular. Do you think they haven't noticed you by now? Lincoln Plaza Cinemas, there you are; alone every Tuesday and Thursday for the 2 PM matinee and occasionally the 10:30 show. And for the past twelve years you've simply been invisible to the box office staff, the ticket takers, and to the other regulars; who, when they see you, ask how your novel's coming along... Yeah, I'm sure they have no idea who you are.
Josh
Dear Mr. Henry,
I am happy to hear you are back in town. Of course, it would have been nice had you called me yourself to let me know. It was rather awkward running into you at the movie theater. By the way, how was "March Of The Penguins"?
Josh