Below Deck
The Italian Navy
Sunday 13 April 2008
Many
folks have emailed and left questions in the comments
as to why I haven't done a "Below Deck" entry... well
here it is.
[Mom, if you are reading this, it's best you hang out at the photo gallery instead... please.]
There isn't much to do at night at sea but drink and screw; we're not allowed in the casino and we're not allowed fool around with the guests... no matter how bad that drunk college senior from VT in the bikini wanted to shag... but I digress.
The Victory has two bars, one for the "crew" on Deck Zero, and one for the "staff" on Deck Four Forward. "Staff" would be the entertainment and casino staff and crew, as well as the officers of the ship (aka the white suites). The staff bar is well stocked with an impressive variety of international beers and liquors... as well as an equally impressive variety of horny women from around the world. And since a good 35-40% of the staff men are gay, there is less competition for those women.
[Seriously... Mom, are you still reading this?!]
The staff bar is also the site of one of the longest running naval battles in history: the "Italian Navy" versus the rest of the World. Just who or what is the "Italian Navy"? They are the officers that build and run all of our ships, and yes, they are actual members of the Italian Navy. However, much like the Japanese Navy, they are mostly involved in "peace keeping" since their defeat in World War 2. Still bitter about that crushing defeat, they have made their mission to steal hearts of women across the many cruise ships under their charge. Ever seen or ridden Pirates of the Caribbean? Disney got it all wrong! The real pirates of the Caribbean wear white uniforms and drive cruise ships for a living; I swear if Captain Jack Sparrow really existed, he spoke with an Italian accent. Now that I think of it, it goes way beyond WW2... we all know the stories about Christopher Columbus "discovering" America were bogus, but now I think the truth is someone told him there were hot chicks in the Caribbean and he set sail.
One harsh lesson I've learned is that the Italian Navy does not discriminate and no continent is safe. Australian, African, North or South American, Asian, it doesn't matter... the Italian Navy will claim them all. The two South African women I was trying to get with... both gone to the Navy. The cute blond from California... Navy. The super hot Brazilian dancer... already met the freakin' parents of her Italian Navy boyfriend. To make matters worse, the 35-40% of gay staff members are all getting more action than I am.
With the Italian Navy running a cock blockade, you'd think I would get plastered off of $1 beers and $2 cocktails? Nope, since we are all sailors, and heaven forbid we run into a rouge iceberg and have to evacuate the guests, we can't leave the bar with more than a 0.08 BAC. So not only am I NOT getting laid, but also I can't get drunk enough to forget about it.
But I'm not bitter, I still get to see a lot of really nice looking women, and I do get to go to Italy to steal their women...
...or at least find out why they're stealing mine.
Girls, Girls, Girls by Jay-Z
[Mom, if you are reading this, it's best you hang out at the photo gallery instead... please.]
There isn't much to do at night at sea but drink and screw; we're not allowed in the casino and we're not allowed fool around with the guests... no matter how bad that drunk college senior from VT in the bikini wanted to shag... but I digress.
The Victory has two bars, one for the "crew" on Deck Zero, and one for the "staff" on Deck Four Forward. "Staff" would be the entertainment and casino staff and crew, as well as the officers of the ship (aka the white suites). The staff bar is well stocked with an impressive variety of international beers and liquors... as well as an equally impressive variety of horny women from around the world. And since a good 35-40% of the staff men are gay, there is less competition for those women.
[Seriously... Mom, are you still reading this?!]
The staff bar is also the site of one of the longest running naval battles in history: the "Italian Navy" versus the rest of the World. Just who or what is the "Italian Navy"? They are the officers that build and run all of our ships, and yes, they are actual members of the Italian Navy. However, much like the Japanese Navy, they are mostly involved in "peace keeping" since their defeat in World War 2. Still bitter about that crushing defeat, they have made their mission to steal hearts of women across the many cruise ships under their charge. Ever seen or ridden Pirates of the Caribbean? Disney got it all wrong! The real pirates of the Caribbean wear white uniforms and drive cruise ships for a living; I swear if Captain Jack Sparrow really existed, he spoke with an Italian accent. Now that I think of it, it goes way beyond WW2... we all know the stories about Christopher Columbus "discovering" America were bogus, but now I think the truth is someone told him there were hot chicks in the Caribbean and he set sail.
One harsh lesson I've learned is that the Italian Navy does not discriminate and no continent is safe. Australian, African, North or South American, Asian, it doesn't matter... the Italian Navy will claim them all. The two South African women I was trying to get with... both gone to the Navy. The cute blond from California... Navy. The super hot Brazilian dancer... already met the freakin' parents of her Italian Navy boyfriend. To make matters worse, the 35-40% of gay staff members are all getting more action than I am.
With the Italian Navy running a cock blockade, you'd think I would get plastered off of $1 beers and $2 cocktails? Nope, since we are all sailors, and heaven forbid we run into a rouge iceberg and have to evacuate the guests, we can't leave the bar with more than a 0.08 BAC. So not only am I NOT getting laid, but also I can't get drunk enough to forget about it.
But I'm not bitter, I still get to see a lot of really nice looking women, and I do get to go to Italy to steal their women...
...or at least find out why they're stealing mine.
Girls, Girls, Girls by Jay-Z