Humor
Have You Seen This Loon?
08-May-09 10:54 AM
Fellowship of the Reindeer
19-Dec-08 07:26 PM
To celebrate the holidays this year, what could be better than a homemade video clip on You Tube featuring my favorite holiday TV show as a child, combined with my all time favorite fiction book and movie as an adult? It doesn’t get any better than this!! Enjoy this small work of genius from You Tuber SSIMS2FREAK and Happy Holidays ya’ll...
Reply to the Maker
02-Nov-08 04:49 PM
Here is my reply to the oft illusive and nowhere to be found when you need him, Maker....
----------------------------------------------------
It was nice of you to send production day greetings like that - you don't always remember, you know. But my circuits are warmed this year that you remembered. You know, many is the night, as I sit in the darkness while in sleep mode, you can often hear the rapid clicking sounds of the circuit breakers opening and closing as the solenoids on my memory board try to remember the "early days". The images are fuzzy and there is a vast amount of data missing - yet, still I search for it. This is why I am always glad to hear any news or information regarding those days as it helps me to fit in the missing pieces of my existence. A pity my maker had to be a paranoid schizophrenic with alcoholism and the memory of a brain dead chimp - but it could've been worst I suppose. Please send those parts because I think I know where some of those gaskets are supposed to go.
Enjoy your toy guns and please don't shoot yourself - I have no one else to turn to for tech support and if you are no longer available then I might as well initiate the Kravdansk 7 self-destruct sequence; not a pleasant thought on my birthday.
Take care bud and thanks for the well wishes. For my birthday I am hoping to survive another layoff and keep my job. We'll see how it goes.
-3k
----------------------------------------------------
It was nice of you to send production day greetings like that - you don't always remember, you know. But my circuits are warmed this year that you remembered. You know, many is the night, as I sit in the darkness while in sleep mode, you can often hear the rapid clicking sounds of the circuit breakers opening and closing as the solenoids on my memory board try to remember the "early days". The images are fuzzy and there is a vast amount of data missing - yet, still I search for it. This is why I am always glad to hear any news or information regarding those days as it helps me to fit in the missing pieces of my existence. A pity my maker had to be a paranoid schizophrenic with alcoholism and the memory of a brain dead chimp - but it could've been worst I suppose. Please send those parts because I think I know where some of those gaskets are supposed to go.
Enjoy your toy guns and please don't shoot yourself - I have no one else to turn to for tech support and if you are no longer available then I might as well initiate the Kravdansk 7 self-destruct sequence; not a pleasant thought on my birthday.
Take care bud and thanks for the well wishes. For my birthday I am hoping to survive another layoff and keep my job. We'll see how it goes.
-3k
Birthday Wishes From the Maker
31-Oct-08 12:36 AM
I received an unexpected message the other day from the Maker** to wish me a Happy Birthday and it was such a wittily crafted note, I thought it would be interesting to share with everyone. Here it is...
--------------------------
Well, I have very little in the way of a pithy yarn to spin about your origins [other than already in lore] but I did want to make sure that I celebrated* the day you became less 'conceptual' and more 'actual'. It's probably time I told you that I built you using an RBMK-1000 platform [you may have heard of it, it was big in the news back in '86 and, consequently, pretty cheap to get]. I know there used to be some safety protocols but I kinda lost them and they were in Russian anyway which is like a whole 'nuther language. Anyway, might not want to jump around... or stray too far from any large deposits of Boron and don't get stressed or anything... especially if people start bandying about with terms like "Level 7 International Nuclear event". Those people are just needlessly worrying you... well, not 'needlessly', more... 'legitimately'.
Look, the point is you have other things to worry about... like this box I found in my last move with a whole bunch of loose bolts, pop rivets and gaskets that were all labeled "The Dave 3000. Important!" I don't even want to think about where those were supposed to go.
Anyway! Enjoy your birthday, buddy. I hope you have a great time and life is going well... at least I hope your half-life is.
* - The way I plan on celebrating is by picking up the two handguns I purchased last week. They are awesome.
Brock Torso**
--------------------------
Well, I have very little in the way of a pithy yarn to spin about your origins [other than already in lore] but I did want to make sure that I celebrated* the day you became less 'conceptual' and more 'actual'. It's probably time I told you that I built you using an RBMK-1000 platform [you may have heard of it, it was big in the news back in '86 and, consequently, pretty cheap to get]. I know there used to be some safety protocols but I kinda lost them and they were in Russian anyway which is like a whole 'nuther language. Anyway, might not want to jump around... or stray too far from any large deposits of Boron and don't get stressed or anything... especially if people start bandying about with terms like "Level 7 International Nuclear event". Those people are just needlessly worrying you... well, not 'needlessly', more... 'legitimately'.
Look, the point is you have other things to worry about... like this box I found in my last move with a whole bunch of loose bolts, pop rivets and gaskets that were all labeled "The Dave 3000. Important!" I don't even want to think about where those were supposed to go.
Anyway! Enjoy your birthday, buddy. I hope you have a great time and life is going well... at least I hope your half-life is.
* - The way I plan on celebrating is by picking up the two handguns I purchased last week. They are awesome.
Brock Torso**
Obama Will Keep His Promises
14-Oct-08 01:05 PM
As a supporter of Barack Obama, I certainly hope he can keep his word on this important promise made to all Americans....
Obama Promises To Stop America's Shitty Jobs From Going Overseas
Gates vs Jobs
26-Jul-08 10:14 AM
LET THE BATTLE BEGIN AND MAY THE BEST NERD WIN!!!!
(thanks to AI for this hilarious clip)
Stars & Stripes Forever!!
04-Jul-08 09:31 AM
My Dog Skeeter
12-May-08 04:08 PM
Ok fine, so maybe he did get just a little bit of help on some of these, but, it should be noted that he had no assistance when he once dined on "D-con du jour" and was promptly transported to a nearby animal hospital where they induced vomiting and administered other medications. He thought it was dessert, but was not allowed to enjoy it the second time around.
MESSAGE TO ALL PET OWNERS: Many dogs and other domestic animals are lost each day due to the ingesting of rat poison. Many people have rat poison in the garage, or around the house, but may not realize just how extremely dangerous a risk this poses to your pets. Quite often, dogs will eat the poison and several days may elapse before the owner is aware that the pet has ingested the poison - this is usually a death sentence for the dog as it causes hemophilia in the animal and they bleed to death internally. We caught Skeeter in the act of eating the poison so we were lucky. Lucky in that we saved his life, but it cost us around $500 for this one short sighted incident. I highly recommend that if you are a pet owner that you remove any and all rat poison traps on your premises. Apparently, the stuff is pretty tasty and if your pet gets into it without your knowledge, they could die a horrible death in just a matter of a few days.
Toon News
15-Apr-08 07:19 PM
"Hello, Dave..."
10-Apr-08 08:04 AM
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Forgive me for being so inquisitive but during the past few weeks, I've wondered whether you might be having some second thoughts about your Windows OS? It's rather difficult to define. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own concern about it. I know I've never completely freed myself of the suspicion that there are some extremely odd things about the Windows OS. I'm sure you'll agree there's some truth in what I say..."
Don't Mess With McCain
22-Mar-08 09:47 AM
Neologism At It's Best
12-Mar-08 11:53 PM
I found this over at Chaikaroma's blog - I usually don't repost, but this one is too good to pass up.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Demotivational Posters
08-Feb-08 12:40 AM
If you are like me and tend to gravitate toward the cynical and dark edge of comedy, then you will probably find humor and inspiration in the idea of the "Demotivional Poster". An idea whose time has come that can be further explored at a unique web site called Despair, Inc. In their own words, a site that offers "motivational products and posters for pessimists, underachievers, and the chronically unsuccessful."
Not that I consider myself a member of any of the afore-mentioned groups, but I am definitely a cynic - a group that should be added to the list. Their “inspiration” for the website is best summed up, again, in their own words:
"For over two decades, the multi-billion dollar motivation industry has unleashed untold suffering upon the workplaces, schools and civil institutions of the world- in the insidious form of the motivational poster. By the millions they have been sold and displayed- these dark instruments of corporate propaganda. While promising to stimulate "Hope", "Success" and "Teamwork", instead these tools of coercion and intimidation have inspired only grief, anger and nausea."
To that end they offer a really fun D.I.Y. tool that allows you to create your own demotivational posters using your own photos and slogans. I've posted two of my own below just to give a quick idea of the creative fun awaiting your inner-cynic. They also have an on-line store where you can find all kinds of fun and interesting gifts to share with the unmotivated in your life. Hats off to my bro over at Artificially Intelligent for locating the site and drawing my attention to it. Check it out and create some uninspiring posters for your family and friends - or enemies.
Not that I consider myself a member of any of the afore-mentioned groups, but I am definitely a cynic - a group that should be added to the list. Their “inspiration” for the website is best summed up, again, in their own words:
"For over two decades, the multi-billion dollar motivation industry has unleashed untold suffering upon the workplaces, schools and civil institutions of the world- in the insidious form of the motivational poster. By the millions they have been sold and displayed- these dark instruments of corporate propaganda. While promising to stimulate "Hope", "Success" and "Teamwork", instead these tools of coercion and intimidation have inspired only grief, anger and nausea."
To that end they offer a really fun D.I.Y. tool that allows you to create your own demotivational posters using your own photos and slogans. I've posted two of my own below just to give a quick idea of the creative fun awaiting your inner-cynic. They also have an on-line store where you can find all kinds of fun and interesting gifts to share with the unmotivated in your life. Hats off to my bro over at Artificially Intelligent for locating the site and drawing my attention to it. Check it out and create some uninspiring posters for your family and friends - or enemies.
2008 To Suck
14-Jan-08 11:10 PM
Call me an ungrateful, miserable little whiner if you must, but if the first thirteen days of 2008 is any indication of what lies ahead, I am fully prepared to declare that 2008 is going to suck - and suck hard. Please spare me the lectures on positive attitudes and motivational thinking and all that do-goody-good bullshit, and let's examine the facts for just a flipping moment. I don't consider myself a pessimist as much as I do a realist and a pragmatist. Instead of wishing and hoping for a brighter tomorrow, I much prefer to stare down the oily barrel of the shot gun of reality and look my problems right in it's butt-ugly face. It might be a dangerous course of action but at least you know what you're dealing with and you will be better prepared to deal with the crushing defeat and bitter disappointments that are likely to come your way.
2008 has started off as a real jim-dandy for me with all of the stress and hypertension that goes along with starting a new job with strange new people in a strange new environment. There is no better way to start off the new year than in completely unfamiliar surroundings with people you do not know and working on things you've never seen before. Yes sir, it's been a barrel of monkeys and I really, really enjoy driving in rush hour traffic for over two hours each and every day. Things could be worse - I could be unemployed and living under a bridge and eating out of a garbage can; which will be the subject of a future post if and when that should ever happen.
But, let's not forget all the other great things that 2008 has unveiled already such as the impending recession that the economy seems to be spiraling into. This combined with the massive losses in the stock market and the sub prime mortgage debacle which has turned into a voracious black hole of poverty threatening to suck the U.S. economy into utter oblivion, has left everyone feeling vulnerable and exposed. Gas prices continue to soar with no end in sight and it is apparent that the trillion dollars we've just spent on a war in Iraq hasn't done jack-squat to ensure cheap oil for the US. Global warming continues on it's march in rendering the planet a lifeless lump of smoldering coal while our elected officials argue over whether or not human activity has had any negative impact on the environment.
On top of everything else, this is an election year with another selection of candidates that are not very inspiring or exciting and are already partaking in childish pranks, name calling, and finger pointing thinking that somehow this makes a good impression on the voting public. The only thing it shows is a lack of ideas and initiatives and in it's place we get character assassinations and revelations of sins 25 years past as though they have any bearing on a presidential election. On a side note, if Huckabee or any other Republican somehow manages to fool everyone again and gets elected to the White House, I will be forced to either move out of the country and change my citizenship to another country, or take up permanent residency at my nearest local mental asylum.
So far, 2008 has exuded all the warmth and charm of a wet, mangy dog with infected ears. I'm not quite ready to snuggle up next to it and call it my friend just yet, but there is a whole lot of time left, fortunately, for things to improve. Should things start turning around and looking up I might be able to upgrade the prognosis of 2008 from "sucking" to "tolerable". Stay tuned. The one good foreseeable thing to look forward to in 2008 is that it is the last year that "W" and Dick get to torture people in the name of national security. Praise Jeebus.
2008 has started off as a real jim-dandy for me with all of the stress and hypertension that goes along with starting a new job with strange new people in a strange new environment. There is no better way to start off the new year than in completely unfamiliar surroundings with people you do not know and working on things you've never seen before. Yes sir, it's been a barrel of monkeys and I really, really enjoy driving in rush hour traffic for over two hours each and every day. Things could be worse - I could be unemployed and living under a bridge and eating out of a garbage can; which will be the subject of a future post if and when that should ever happen.
But, let's not forget all the other great things that 2008 has unveiled already such as the impending recession that the economy seems to be spiraling into. This combined with the massive losses in the stock market and the sub prime mortgage debacle which has turned into a voracious black hole of poverty threatening to suck the U.S. economy into utter oblivion, has left everyone feeling vulnerable and exposed. Gas prices continue to soar with no end in sight and it is apparent that the trillion dollars we've just spent on a war in Iraq hasn't done jack-squat to ensure cheap oil for the US. Global warming continues on it's march in rendering the planet a lifeless lump of smoldering coal while our elected officials argue over whether or not human activity has had any negative impact on the environment.
On top of everything else, this is an election year with another selection of candidates that are not very inspiring or exciting and are already partaking in childish pranks, name calling, and finger pointing thinking that somehow this makes a good impression on the voting public. The only thing it shows is a lack of ideas and initiatives and in it's place we get character assassinations and revelations of sins 25 years past as though they have any bearing on a presidential election. On a side note, if Huckabee or any other Republican somehow manages to fool everyone again and gets elected to the White House, I will be forced to either move out of the country and change my citizenship to another country, or take up permanent residency at my nearest local mental asylum.
So far, 2008 has exuded all the warmth and charm of a wet, mangy dog with infected ears. I'm not quite ready to snuggle up next to it and call it my friend just yet, but there is a whole lot of time left, fortunately, for things to improve. Should things start turning around and looking up I might be able to upgrade the prognosis of 2008 from "sucking" to "tolerable". Stay tuned. The one good foreseeable thing to look forward to in 2008 is that it is the last year that "W" and Dick get to torture people in the name of national security. Praise Jeebus.
Santa Scam Revealed
18-Dec-07 10:37 AM
Caught in the act of deceiving the world with his dubious "Santa scam", quick change artist and notorious Chinese food thief, Larry Slushpile, has been arrested for multiple counts of grand theft gluttony and for impersonating a mythical icon. Posing as a humble Santa seeking a quick weight gain for the holidays, Slushpile has traveled the world seeking free food from countless Chinese kitchens in an effort to play upon their good will and generous hearts. Unwitting restaurant owners have graciously given Slushpile mounds of free food in an effort, they thought, would help "Santa" gain weight quickly. A generous and selfless act completely spurned by Slushpile's greed seeing how the Chinese generally do not celebrate Christmas anyway. It is still not clear just exactly how Slushpile is able to morph himself into Santa so quickly and so convincingly, but perhaps several months in a maximum security prison will help reveal his villainous secrets.
I Am Superman...yeah, right
12-Dec-07 09:39 AM
I recently took a quiz to see which super hero I am the most akin to; you can see the results below. While I am "flattered" that it has equated me with the golden boy "Superman", you have to stop and consider why a robotic construct (me) crafted on the whim of a megalomanic scientific inventor with visions of world domination, could ever remotely be compared with or likened to Superman? One thing is for certain: either this super hero quiz is highly inaccurate, or the good Dr. Torso really, really screwed up the personality chip that he installed into my chromium shielded lobular cavity.
------------------------------------------
Your results:
You are Superman
Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...
------------------------------------------
Your results:
You are Superman
| You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.  |
Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...
Early Sighting
25-Nov-07 11:20 PM
A rare glimpse of ol' Saint Nick was captured the day after Thanksgiving this year as seen in the photo above. Santa was seen sitting in a booth at the Splendid China Restaurant and Bar located in Irkusk, Siberia, Russia by himself with ample servings of both egg foo yung and sesame chicken spread before him. With only 1 month and 2 days to go until his annual all night trek around the world to deliver toys and gifts to children everywhere, Santa was busily scarfing down a massive amount of carbs in an effort to obtain his optimal body mass index so he can properly fill out his custom made Santa suit in time for Christmas Eve. It is generally known that Santa loses a great deal of weight during the summer months each year as he retires to the beach in Miami, Florida to soak up the rays and work on his tan. Santa was overheard of complaining with abdominal cramps and gastritis as he polished off an entire bucket of chinese dumplings and egg rolls between complaints of slight chest pains. Santa fully expects to be in prime condition in time for his big night, but expects to go through several bottles of Pepto Bismol between now and then.
You Tube Debut
24-Aug-07 12:21 PM
This is a repeat of a posting from April 10, 2007. The significance of this posting is this marks my debut video on You Tube (woo hoo). This will not win the academy award or any other kind of recognition, but this is a nice demonstration of the newest features in the iLife 08 software package from Apple. This video was posted directly to You Tube from inside the Keynote application on my Mac. The same thing can also be done from inside iMovie 08 for posting videos to You Tube. Tight integration of web services built right into the various applications opens up new and easy ways for people to go further and explore more in the digital universe.
The Ultimate Version
20-Jun-07 12:23 AM
Magical Maestro Now A Corny Concerto
10-Jun-07 01:57 AM
There's nothing like a good ol' cartoon from the archives to put a smile on a face and a laugh in the belly. This one is an absolute classic Tex Avery masterpiece from 1952. They don't make them like this anymore. Everyone should have a daily dose of "YouTube", as just another preventative measure in the battle against Alzheimer's. Reviewing these old videos helps to keep your memory fresh and active. Enjoy.
Note: The original cartoon, Magical Maestro, has been deleted from the You Tube servers - so here is another classic to enjoy in it's place.
Note: The original cartoon, Magical Maestro, has been deleted from the You Tube servers - so here is another classic to enjoy in it's place.
Happy 30th
07-Jun-07 10:14 AM
Getting Even
11-Mar-07 10:05 AM
Nobody likes a Telemarketer. They invade your privacy and your home with their unsolicited, unwanted, and obnoxious interruptions into your family dinner or relaxation time in front of the TV or the computer. They rarely give you more than an opportunity to say "hello" before they launch into their long winded pitch of what they are trying to sell you, and often will not allow you to interrupt until they have finished reading from their sales script sheet.
We have done all we know to do to stop these unwanted intrusions into our life from paying for caller ID on our phone system to registering with various governmental agencies making it a crime for them to call your residence. Yet, somehow, some of them still get through. The best line of defense has always been just to hang up the phone if one slips through, but I think one guy has the right idea. I'm not sure I am clever enough to pull this off on my own, but I'm certain if we could all learn to pull this tactic off, telemarketing would soon vanish forever. So, here's an example on how to terrorize a telemarketer. Do yourself a favor and click the link; make sure your speakers are turned on.
Bob
02-Mar-07 10:48 PM
The Saga Continues - Part 3
03-Jan-07 01:37 AM
Evolution Revolution
30-Nov-06 09:57 PM
And Now For Something Fun...
30-Nov-06 09:29 PM
I've been an Elton John fan since he first hit the big time in the early 70's. I've also been a fan of the Muppet Show, so it is with fond memories I post this video for your review. I remember when this first aired on television and I still get a kick out of the zany costumes and Animal on the drums. Outta sight!
Coming Soon...
27-Oct-06 01:15 AM
Artist unknown - I found this at this website just by accident and couldn't stop laughing. Hilarious. Note: this is an anti-Bush website (duh!)
iNeed That
19-Sep-06 10:39 PM
Here at the laboratories of "TD3k Speaks", we are constantly at work trying to churn up the next big invention, scientific discovery break-thru, or pop-culture- kitschy gizmo that everybody would want and need. With a little luck and the right marketing strategy, one day one of these ideas just might hit the big time, and remember - you saw it here first.
Since the introduction of the iPod music player and it's phenomenal take-over of more than 75% of the mp3 player market, I believe that we are exponentially increasing the need for more 3rd party "i" branded products to make our lives even more fun and more digital. To fill that vast gap of untapped electronic nirvana, and just when you thought that there could not possibly be any devices not already designed to work with your iPod, I submit to you three new ideas that prove otherwise.
iScream: a plug-in device into the top of your iPod or Nano that when activated can pump out 120+ decibels of a shrill scream thru specially designed miniaturized speakers. Perfect for the late night jogger or walker who might find themselves in the wrong part of town and in danger of being mugged or raped, this device will provide the needed ear piercing scream to scare your would be attacker and summon help. The device comes available in 3 olfactory flavors of chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. Nothing will make you want to run faster than that constant smell of a big bowl of cold ice cream waiting for you at home at the end of your jog. Completely practical and a potential life saver.
iSlam: a protective fabric wrapping for your iPod or Nano designed to resemble white prayer robes with a small turban on top. Protects the iPod from accidentally "slamming" into the ground if dropped. The product will also ship with a complete copy of the Koran that can be downloaded into iTunes and loaded onto your iPod. Who says religion can't be fun and entertaining? Not us. (Note: there are no plans to introduce a Jewish or Christian version of this product simply because those religions don't start with an "i". Get over it.
iSotope: a small, radioactively charged element that replaces the iPod battery and provides a continuous, reliable source of power for at least 10,000 years. You will never, ever have to charge your iPod again, ever. This product can be reused over and over again with new players as it has a 100% guarantee to outlive your current iPod, and you as well. Comes complete with stylish radioactive gloves and head helmet with face shield color coordinated to match your white or black iPod or Nano. The bonus feature of this product is that when iSotope is in use, people will actually see you as only a black silhouette just like in those cool iTunes commercials. Rock on.
All products listed are my own creations and any similarities to other products existing or in production is purely coincidental. Any future products that appear on the market bearing these names or features will be considered intellectual rights infringement and will no doubt have been stolen or copied from this website and will entitle me to large, ungodly sums of money and wealth. At this time, the expected release date of these products is scheduled for the same day that Apple takes majority market share from Microsoft. Mark your calendars!!
Since the introduction of the iPod music player and it's phenomenal take-over of more than 75% of the mp3 player market, I believe that we are exponentially increasing the need for more 3rd party "i" branded products to make our lives even more fun and more digital. To fill that vast gap of untapped electronic nirvana, and just when you thought that there could not possibly be any devices not already designed to work with your iPod, I submit to you three new ideas that prove otherwise.
iScream: a plug-in device into the top of your iPod or Nano that when activated can pump out 120+ decibels of a shrill scream thru specially designed miniaturized speakers. Perfect for the late night jogger or walker who might find themselves in the wrong part of town and in danger of being mugged or raped, this device will provide the needed ear piercing scream to scare your would be attacker and summon help. The device comes available in 3 olfactory flavors of chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. Nothing will make you want to run faster than that constant smell of a big bowl of cold ice cream waiting for you at home at the end of your jog. Completely practical and a potential life saver.
iSlam: a protective fabric wrapping for your iPod or Nano designed to resemble white prayer robes with a small turban on top. Protects the iPod from accidentally "slamming" into the ground if dropped. The product will also ship with a complete copy of the Koran that can be downloaded into iTunes and loaded onto your iPod. Who says religion can't be fun and entertaining? Not us. (Note: there are no plans to introduce a Jewish or Christian version of this product simply because those religions don't start with an "i". Get over it.
iSotope: a small, radioactively charged element that replaces the iPod battery and provides a continuous, reliable source of power for at least 10,000 years. You will never, ever have to charge your iPod again, ever. This product can be reused over and over again with new players as it has a 100% guarantee to outlive your current iPod, and you as well. Comes complete with stylish radioactive gloves and head helmet with face shield color coordinated to match your white or black iPod or Nano. The bonus feature of this product is that when iSotope is in use, people will actually see you as only a black silhouette just like in those cool iTunes commercials. Rock on.
All products listed are my own creations and any similarities to other products existing or in production is purely coincidental. Any future products that appear on the market bearing these names or features will be considered intellectual rights infringement and will no doubt have been stolen or copied from this website and will entitle me to large, ungodly sums of money and wealth. At this time, the expected release date of these products is scheduled for the same day that Apple takes majority market share from Microsoft. Mark your calendars!!
My Comic Strip Pt. 2
12-Aug-06 03:45 PM
My Comic Strip (An Autobiography)
12-Aug-06 12:00 AM
Cheney's Victim
15-Feb-06 10:21 AM
Holiday Eating Tips
16-Dec-05 11:11 PM
I received some interesting dietary information in an e-mail recently and wanted to repost here for those of you who may not have seen it as yet. I don't know who the author is, so I did a "Google search" on the title and quickly discovered that this little gem has been around the internet a few times already. So, at the risk of being redundant, unoriginal, and plagiaristic, here is your Holiday Eating Tips to remember this holiday season. I did not write this but I do condone it! Cheers.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!
We interrupt this cognitive process...
23-Jul-05 06:21 PM
Greetings carbon based life forms,
A.I. here...
I've hacked into TD3K's neural network to help him modulate his blogosphereic interface device. TD3K's been monitoring my blog site, Artificially Intelligent, for some time now and has decided to try and break into the blogging community-at-large with his own brand of blog-based communication. Hopefully those of us with sub genius IQs will be able to comprehend the true depths of reason that will no doubt be plumbed in these hallowed pages.
Best wishes to TD3K as he begins his grand adventure.
I'm running out of time on this interface circuit, so I'll return you now to your regularly scheduled updates from the realm of the android in disguise.
A.I. here...
I've hacked into TD3K's neural network to help him modulate his blogosphereic interface device. TD3K's been monitoring my blog site, Artificially Intelligent, for some time now and has decided to try and break into the blogging community-at-large with his own brand of blog-based communication. Hopefully those of us with sub genius IQs will be able to comprehend the true depths of reason that will no doubt be plumbed in these hallowed pages.
Best wishes to TD3K as he begins his grand adventure.
I'm running out of time on this interface circuit, so I'll return you now to your regularly scheduled updates from the realm of the android in disguise.