SIU Moves Up to Turquoise Alert For some time SIU has been stagnating on an ecru alert. However, escalating tension between administration and union has resulted in Chancellor Wendler issuing a Turquoise Alert.

Administrators to get Smallpox Vaccine Fear of possible bioterrorist action by the faculty union has been fueled by recent events at Texas Tech. Chancellor Wendler is urging all administrators and faculty stoolies to receive smallpox vaccinations. The straight talk fairy admitted that smallpox vaccination will not protect against the bubonic plague, widely regarded as the most likely choice of the faculty union. "But its better than nothing!" he or she said.

Morticia Disease-Dust, director of the faculty union stated that the union was dedicated to world peace and had no immediate plans to release anthrax into the Saluki mail system. "Our bioweapons program is wholly defensive in nature. We only have enough anthrax or plague or whatever to wipe out the whole population of the Midwest in order to manufacture vaccines to protect us against possible retaliatory action by the administration." he stated. However, he made it clear that in the event of a breakdown in negotiations, the union could not be held responsible for whatever it might or might not do or not do, with whichever bacterial cultures that it might or might not have.

Particularly worrying is the recent admission by the Microbiology Department that several forgotten vials of E. coli have been found. It is disturbingly self-evident that these vials could have been lost not found. Also, they could have contained bubonic plague. More alarming still, noone was even sure if the recently found vials had ever truly been lost. Clearly, tightened security is needed in all labs using harmless bacteria, especially those that ignorant members of the public might confuse with dangerous germs not actually used at SIU.

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