Also disappointed was
former SIU chancellor Jo Ann Argersinger. She was hoping to
be Interim Dictator of Cuba in Fidel Castro's absence.
Argersinger (left) was just beginning to picket when the
strike was cancelled. "Bummer," she said. "I was hoping to
solve Cuba's economic problems by distributing free hot-dogs
to the huddled masses. The world needs more women in
positions of unrestrained power", she added.
But not everyone
is happy. Fidel
Castro was
hoping to be appointed as binding arbitrator. "I have
lots of experience in binding political prisoners and
giving them arbitrary beatings," he said. However, Fidel
may still get his long hoped for opportunity to help the
SIU administration if Walter Wendler's proposed invasion
of Central Illinois University goes ahead. "I'll be there
for WW," promised Fidel.
Chancellor Wendler declared that Central Illinois University has been conspiring with the faculty union in the development of weapons of mass delusion, or perhaps writings of mass disinformation, whichever is worse. Unless they give in to our demands, we will be forced to use force he said forcefully.Cynics may claim that the proposed war is nothing more than a sleazy way to divert attention from SIU's low enrollment and declining academic standards. But according to the recently appointed vice chancellor for aggression, the true reason is to promote world peace. Just as the politically correct way to oppose racism is to give preferential treatment based on skin color, so the proper way to promote peace is to start a war.
Central Illinois University is suspected of having links to the infamous Al Gebra organization. We all know that Al Gebra has blighted the lives of many SIU students. It leaves them psychologically scarred and with feelings of personal inadequacy that may last for a lifetime. It is vital for the future of mediocrity that Al Gebra, Qal Qulus and other threatening subjects should be abolished.
The VCA denied that SIU was launching a war against mathematics as a whole. We are not opposed to simple arithmetic and hand-held calculators, just to extremists who use strange symbols, he claimed. Others see merely a plot to further the interests of the Mediocre Educational Complex.
Chancellor Wendler is hoping for the support of NAACP (Nitwits Against Arithmetic Calculus and Physics). However, at a recent meeting, the NAACP general council said they needed more evidence. In contrast, the Gray Alliance was enthusiastic about crushing CIU. We don't just believe in preferential treatment for old farts, we have principles. We have a dream of a gray world dominated by characterless, dull-minded conformity. SIU has been working towards that ideal for many years and we wholly support the use of unnecessary roughness and unjustified violence in this vital cause.
It has being rumored that Saluki special forces have already landed on the CIU campus. They are supposedly unplugging Xerox machines, printers, and other equipment that could be used in the spread of mass disinformation. This seems unlikely as there is some doubt about the location of CIU. The recently appointed vice chancellor for invasion liason thinks CIU is just south of Memphis, Tennessee and that CIU is receiving arms shipments via the hostile Kentucky regime of Col. Saddam. However, Wendler himself seemed to favor a northern location, somewhere in Indiana or even Minnesota. The recently appointed vice chancellor for techno-toys has been authorized to buy a GPS and settle the question. This will have the added benefit of revealing where exactly SIU is itself and where it is headed, something that has been unclear for many years.
A surprising new development shook the Illinois educational world yesterday when it was announced that administrators at SIU Carbondale were forming their own union &endash;known as Higher Education Administrators for Venal Enrichment and Nepotism (HEAVEN).
One disgruntled administrator said he was sick and tired of greedy whining faculty members. A nearby vice chancellor remarked that, "It is about time the administration got another massive pay raise." "Is SIU a major research university? - No. Is it famed for excellence in teaching?- Again no. What SIU needs to do is to put its limited resources into those areas where it has gained recognition; that is to say into its bloated overpaid administration." We're responsible for maintaining political correctness, stated an angry associate provost, all the faculty does is make snide comments and send each other offensive pictures via e-mail. We're the ones who increased unnecessary paperwork by 600% over the last five years, claimed an assistant vice chancellor. Has any faculty member, even at an Ivy League school ever boosted productivity that fast? Other administrators agreed that the faculty, staff and students were basically just a burden on the administration.
HEAVEN has made the following demands:
How will these costs be met in a year when the State of Illinois has a multi-billion dollar deficit? Simple: by firing large numbers of faculty and staff and doubling tuition.
Will the Administration Union consider striking if its demands are not met? Who are you kidding?" said a HEAVEN spokesperson. "We control the system. We can do whatever we like. We don't need to strike. Actually we don't even need a union." It is rumored that HEAVEN has applied to join the Teamsters. "And you know what that means! Any faculty members giving trouble are likely to end up buried under the runway for President Walker's new jet!"
Return to Litter Box Return to Dave's Home Page