Return to Administrators Return to Litter Box Return to Dave's Home Page

Heartland Security

Are you worried that not enough is being done to promote ill thought out restrictions and unnecessary government bureaucracy so helping Al Qaeda undermine the US economy? We at the Agency of Heartland Security are proudly organizing unneeded responses and time-wasting surveys as our response to international terror. Our motto is:

"Be frightened, be very frightened, be unnecessarily panic stricken!"

Official Saluki Bioterrorism Survey

To: All Fiscal Officers, Principal Investigators and University Administrators. You must complete the following within three working days and return it to the office of the security director and associate vice-president for bioterrorism preparedness and paranoia.

In order to keep the Saluki Security database current, you must provide the following information about yourself, your coworkers, your family, your coworkers families and anyone who looks suspicious.

Section I. - General Information

1. Name

2. Profession

3. Height and Weight

Height (cm) Weight (kg)

4. Age

Age now Age at birth

5. What is your IQ?

less 0-50 50-100
100-150 150-200 more

6. Are you guilty of any of these practices?

Wear a turban or a veil
Think alcohol is sinful
Possess more than one wife
Own a camel

7. What is your religion?
Mormon Moslem (Shi'ite)
Moslem (Sunni side up) Papist
Rastafarian Vegetarian Other

8. Can you speak English?
Yes No Don't Know

9. Are you frightened to snort cocaine nowadays for fear it may be contaminated with anthrax spores?
Yes No Sometimes

Section II

Biohazard Profile: Do You Have Any of The Following In Your Laboratory?

Nasty Chemicals

Yes No

Mobile man-eating plants e.g. triffids

Yes No

Carnivorous plants

Yes No

Ebola Virus

Yes No

Bad Bacteria

Yes No

Plastic explosives

Yes No

Moslems

Yes No

Cigarettes

Yes No

Sarin, Tabun, VX or other nerve gas

Yes No

Sharp pointy objects that could hurt you

Yes No

Pretzels (expanding)

Yes No

Other (please specify):

Yes No

Section III. - Terrorism Collaboration - Check any that apply:

1. Have you recently visited any terrorism based dictatorship with the intent of helping or collaborating with the local regime?

Saddam Hussein in Iraq
Fidel Castro in Cuba
Mad Dog Qadaffi in Libya

2. Are you sheltering any of the following terrorists or sympathizers?

Osama bin Laden Yasser Arafat
Supporters of Al Qaeda
Supporters of Al Gore
Supporters of Al Sharpton
Anyone who practices Al Gebra

3. Do your shoes have hollowed out heels?

Yes No Don't Know

4. Have you received funding for your research from Enron?

Yes No Don't Know

5. If so, have you shredded the relevant documents yet?

Yes No Don't Know
Will do it tomorrow

6. Which is the correct spelling?

a) Ciproflocksacin b) Siproflocksacin
c) Ciprofloxasin d) Siprofloxasinne
e) Siprofloxacinf) None of the above

Visit other parts of the Saluki Security Website SIU on Alert!!

Osama Cloned

Download this form as a Microsoft Word file Taliban Christmas Carol

under construction

Return to Administrator Appreciation Center

Return to Litter Box Return to Dave's Home Page

Section I. - General Information
1. Name
2. Profession
3. Height and Weight	Height (cm) Weight (kg)
4. Age	Age now Age at birth
5. What is your IQ?	less 0-50 50-100 100-150 150-200 more
6. Are you guilty of any of these practices?	Wear a turban or a veil Think alcohol is sinful Possess more than one wife Own a camel
7. What is your religion?	Mormon Moslem (Shi'ite) Moslem (Sunni side up) Papist Rastafarian Vegetarian Other
8. Can you speak English?	Yes No Don't Know
9. Are you frightened to snort cocaine nowadays for fear it may be contaminated with anthrax spores?	Yes No Sometimes

Nasty Chemicals	Yes No	Mobile man-eating plants e.g. triffids	Yes No
Carnivorous plants	Yes No	Ebola Virus	Yes No
Bad Bacteria	Yes No	Plastic explosives	Yes No
Moslems	Yes No	Cigarettes	Yes No
Sarin, Tabun, VX or other nerve gas	Yes No	Sharp pointy objects that could hurt you	Yes No
Pretzels (expanding)	Yes No	Other (please specify):	Yes No

Section III. - Terrorism Collaboration - Check any that apply:
1. Have you recently visited any terrorism based dictatorship with the intent of helping or collaborating with the local regime?	Saddam Hussein in Iraq Fidel Castro in Cuba Mad Dog Qadaffi in Libya
2. Are you sheltering any of the following terrorists or sympathizers?	Osama bin Laden Yasser Arafat Supporters of Al Qaeda Supporters of Al Gore Supporters of Al Sharpton Anyone who practices Al Gebra
3. Do your shoes have hollowed out heels?	Yes No Don't Know
4. Have you received funding for your research from Enron?	Yes No Don't Know
5. If so, have you shredded the relevant documents yet?	Yes No Don't Know Will do it tomorrow
6. Which is the correct spelling?	a) Ciproflocksacin b) Siproflocksacin c) Ciprofloxasin d) Siprofloxasinne e) Siprofloxacinf) None of the above

Visit other parts of the Saluki Security Website	SIU on Alert!!
	Osama Cloned
Download this form as a Microsoft Word file	Taliban Christmas Carol
	under construction