Special Secret Division for Faculty Lobotomy

Confidential sources recently revealed that the SIU administration has been using undercover units to carry out its dirty tricks for many years. The Secret Executive Administrator Lobotomy Specialists (or SEALS) lobotomize faculty troublemakers. Low level administrators, such as chairpersons and deans, and faculty stoolies identify potential troublemakers. It is rumored that each troublemaker turned in brings a $1000/per year pay raise bounty. The SEALS then sanction the target in secret.

Suggestions Welcome Do you know some faculty troublemaker who needs treatment? Feel free to fink on them right now. Don't feel guilty - not only will the target gain a more fulfilling life but it's your duty to the people of Illinois. Write down the names and office phone of candidates for moral re-alignment and send via SIU internal mail to: Lobo Link - Mail Code 6666

Victims are lured in by an invitation to share their vision for the future of SIU with some prominent administrator. While visiting Anthony Hall they are waylaid and rendered unconscious. Tetralobotomy is then utilized to re-loyalize the errant faculty member. This operation was specially developed at SIU and involves removal of both the frontal and the procreative lobes. It takes a mere five to ten minutes for a trained SEAL to process an obstructive faculty unit. After coming round, rehabilitated faculty members are rarely aware that anything happened. Most continue on to the Chancellors office where they compliment the higher administration on a well run university and demand that President Walker should be given another $50,000 pay raise.
An unfortunate side effect is that lobotomized faculty members are no longer capable of teaching or research and only capable of administrative work. In a few cases, an even worse outcome occurs. A clumsy lobotomy can create an academic zombie. Known as the Prof-feratu -the braindead- these zombies prowl the tunnels below campus, emerging under cover of dark to ambush undergraduates and eat their brains.	Oooooops!!!
Snitch Bill M. (not his complete real name), gives an anonymous interview under high security conditions	Note: The information on this pagewas provided by an anonymous snitch - lets just call him "Bill M". who has worked on the SEALS team for several years. "Bill M" is now disgusted and disillusioned. He told our reporter, "I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than do another prefrontal lobotomy". Despite these misgivings it seems the approach works. Bill M. believes the faculty strike was averted by lobotomizing selected union organizers.

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