Southern Illinois University Chosen to Run Iraq

Now that the easy work of bombing a few poverty-stricken peasants is over, it's time for the US government to fink out of their responsibilities. But who will take over the real man's job of rebuilding Iraq when the wuss-boys leave?  The UN? The French?  Will Arnold get to be Turbanator of Iraq?  Or will the US just stay with its traditional policy of appointing a local drug trader with friends in the CIA like Manuel Noriega? No, this time things will be very different. Southern Illinois University will take control of Iraq. American Universities have invested 40 years building the most bloated bureaucracies on the planet, boasted SIU Chancellor Walter Wendler. What's more, as the homelands of political correctness, US Universities have a tradition of opposing dangerous ideas like individual choice or freedom of expression. According to Wendler, it would be a shame to waste so much expertise. "What Iraq needs today is a large uncaring bureaucracy devoted to setting up vast amounts of unnecessary paperwork.  Filling out never-ending forms will keep the miserable b$%#@@s off the streets." Wendler claimed. The first step will be to give all inhabitants of Iraq id numbers and have them all fill out registration forms for the coming Spring semester. The pink copies will be flown back to SIU, Carbondale. According to Paul Simon, a major supporter of the new approach, processing and filing millions of forms will provide hundreds of new jobs for Southern Illinois.

Building the New Iraq
SIU's Work Force Education program will oversee rebuilding bridges, mending roads etc.  All Iraqis suspected of terrorist sympathies (i.e. anyone with a beard or turban or who has ever been outside Iraq) will be conscripted for the rebuilding program.  Larry Dietz, SIU enrollment coordinator, announced that, to save paper, Iraqis would not be issued with printed instructions but would be expected to access details of their tasks via the web.
Top SIU officials in Iraq will be provided with the military style uniforms popular with third world generalissimos.  It is rumored that SIU Pres. Walker will sport a large selection of medals previously worn by Idi Amin and passed on via their common colleague Fidel Castro.  "Bright metal objects impress the natives and help maintain discipline." Walker claims.
Keeping the People Informed
A special version of the Daily Egyptian will supply the new regime with badly spelled dis-information.  The Daili Iraqi will devote itself to topics of major interest for the people of the Middle East.  Planned articles include discussions of protecting the rainforest, gay marriages, and whether cell phones cause cancer.

Visit other parts of the Saluki Security Website	SIU on Alert!!
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Vacancy in Iraq	Taliban Christmas Carol
Faculty Lobotomy	Late Great Saluki Strike
Turquoise Alert

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