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SIUC Moves from Ecru to Turquoise Alert!!! Strike Averted - Invasion of CIU Planned Instead!!! |
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The originally proposed series of alerts had 5 levels, numbered 1 - 5. However, this system was discarded as too confusing for most Americans, due to their lack of advanced mathematical ability. In particular, it was unclear whether code 1 was the lowest or highest state of alarm. Instead, the alert levels will be ranked by colors. The director of homeland security picked green, blue, yellow, orange, and red. However, as the result of an ongoing dialog between the Office of Affirmative Action and the Saluki Antiterrorist Command (SAC), a greatly improved scheme has been devised that uses traditionally under-represented colors. Who today would countenance the use of terms such as Yellow Peril or Red Threat? Moreover, the system has been made substantially more informative by providing more levels and separate warnings for each SIU campus. |
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Possible Threat |
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Marginally conceivable |
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Significantly marginal |
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Marginally significant |
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Conceivably significant |
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Significantly substantial |
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Substantially significant |
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Yes, its true, ecru is not in the table. However, SAC felt that a level of alertness intermediate between goldenrod and sienna was called for. So to keep things brief and to the point they picked ecru. |
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Several SIU employees have questioned whether ecru is even a genuine color. Cerise ("Cherry") B. Carnelian who has just graduated with an MBA from SIU-C, claimed that an ecru was a unit of currency used in Lithuania. However, according to Amber R. Topaz, Assoc. Prof. of Fine Arts, while ecru is indeed a color it is not intermediate in shade between goldenrod and sienna. In response, N. Ron Anderson, SAC spokespatriot, stated that negative comments like these only confused loyal Americans and made things easier for the terrorists. |
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