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SPECIAL MILLENIUM OFFERS FOR THE TRULY CREDULOUS

 

EX-SOVIET RECREATION VEHICLE

Thinking of buying an RV for your family vacations? Why not consider an ex-cold-war armored personnel carrier? For only $155,000 you can get a genuine ex-Soviet-bloc troop carrier. No need to worry about hooligans and delinquents when you camp out in this baby!

Features:

  • 6" armor plate
  • Onboard radar
  • Light machine gun (equipped with night-vision scope)
  • Napalm canister launcher (with a dozen complimentary rounds)
  • Chemical warfare protective clothing for a family of four
  • Overhead tactical nuclear missile launcher (disabled)

 LIBERAL REPELLENT

New advances in biology have resulted in a new range of specific pesticides. Flea sprays based on nerve blocking agents and hormonal disruptors have made your cat safe and free from irritation. And you deserve the same!!! We are offering a new hi-tech spray to rid your neighborhood of politically correct weenies and creeps.

Ingredients:

  • N-octyl bicycloheptene democraticide
  • Anti-liberal butoxide
  • Di-n-isopropyl wimposine carboxylate
  • Pinkocidin
  • Dihydrogen monoxide
  • Other ingredients
  • More bad stuff

Legal Disclaimer

Read safety manual before use. It is a violation of federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Void where prohibited. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only in infested area. Do not use on kittens or puppies. For recreational use only. If condition persists, consult your physician. Best if used before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Contains a substantial amount of unidentified ingredients. Do not mix with bleach or acidic drain cleaners. Colors may fade with time. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Keep cool. Do not expose to naked flames. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Your canceled check is your receipt. Sanitized for your protection. Wash hands after using. Employees and their families are not eligible. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Price does not include taxes. Not recommended for children. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Package sold by weight, not volume. This advertisement does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of myself, my university, my friends, or my cat. Terms are subject to change without notice. Federal regulations prohibit use of CFC propellants in aerosols. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. For a limited time only. This item is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor. Product is provided "as is" without any warranties. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Do not reuse container. Buyer assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity advertisement. Women and minorities are encouraged to buy this product. Contains no ozone layer depleting substances. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets and small children. Limit one-per-family please. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a strong magnetic source. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. Contains no genetically engineered plant products. Do not apply to painted or finished wood surfaces. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. Warning: pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to this product. Offer valid only at participating sites. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must be 18 or over to purchase. Other restrictions may apply.

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