News Flash

Fidel Castro appointed to SIU Board of Trustees

Fidel Castro does not just talk. He practices what he preaches. As a member of the SIU Board of Trustees, Fidel intends to attend all of the meetings. He looks forward to meeting the other assorted establishment stooges and ex-jocks who share his belief that the role of education is to provide impressionable children and adolescents with leftist propaganda. Fidel also intends to participate vigorously in SIU's new Distance Administration Program.

Fidel embraces his comrades President Walker and Paul Simon on their recent visit to Cuba

"We all know what living in an outmoded leftist institution is like," said Fidel. But it is important not to abandon traditional marxist-democrat values just because of a few obscure economic problems in the Soviet union.

Fidel intends to work with Paul Simon and SIU's President Walker towards eliminating the few traces of academic freedom that remain at SIU. More diversity training sessions and more quotas is what SIU needs according to Fidel.

Castro's Five Year Plan for SIU

Fidel Castro has the answer to SIU's recruitment problem. The basic idea is simple - extend equal educational opportunity to white people too. "There are many white people whose children lack the academic merit to qualify, even for entrance to SIU," alleges Fidel. The problem is that many of them have a pig-headed belief in earning their own way that leads them to vote Republican.

The solution is Fidel's Five-Year Saluki Plan. White parents who pledge to vote Democrat for the next five years will have one child admitted to SIU, irrespective of whether it meets admission standards. Signing up for another five years guarantees graduation despite lacking the required grades. SIU President Walker believes that this will go a long way to combat the discrimination that still holds back the USA. "If George W had taken a phony degree in socialist dialecticalism that he didn't understand, he would be a loyal Democrat", claimed Walker.

Accusations that this scheme would lower academic standards are nonsense according to Paul Simon. You might as well accuse affirmative action of lowering standards he pointed out.

Castro Is Pro-Life

Fidel now includes a deep fascination with rhe life sciences among his many other interests. "You could say I'm pro-life," chortled Fidel. Castro feels that the newly discovered Campus Lake Monster should be repatriated to Cuba where it will benefit from a less hostile atmosphere. But Fidel is not just interested in old-fashioned nature study. He intends to get involved in the trendiest area of the life sciences - Molecular Biology.

Fidel has recently read "Molecular Biology Made Simple and Fun" by David P. Clark and Lonnie D. Russell and was so inspired he wants to enroll. Castro wrote:

I am a political scientist and I did my Ph.D. dissertation in the area of Communist Ideology. Although I have some practical experience in the physiology of torture, molecular biology was not taught back when I went to school. Many conference speakers and scientific papers on modern topics like the molecular actions of nerve gas and molecular brainwashing would leave me lost. I don't need to be an expert, but I do need to have some idea of what is going on in these areas. This book was a Godsend for me. I sat down with half a dozen cigars and a bottle of brandy and read the first chapter all in one evening. I was so inspired I have applied for a minority fellowship to enter the MBMB program at SIU to study molecular biology.

I give this book 5 out of 5 red stars,
Fidel Castro, Havana, Cuba

Fidel hopes to inspire SIU to adopt new programs in modern biology. "I already have a provisional scheme for a new, revamped MBMB program in Marxist Biotechnology and Molecular Brainwashing", enthuses Fidel.

Secret Revealed - Castro to be Cloned!!
Hidden in the basement of Paul Simon's personal retirement rip-off, the Pinko Policy Institute, is a secret laboratory. Here a special research group, led by Dr. Evita Equal and her lab-tech Mini-Ms, are gearing up to preserve the socialist dictators of the sixties by cloning them.
Earlier reports that Fidel Castro had enrolled at SIU to study molecular biology gave only half the truth. There is a deeper and darker side to this story. Fidel Castro has been in ailing health for some time and SIU President Walker and failed presidential candidate Paul Simon are deeply worried that the world might suffer an irrecoverable loss. "If Fidel were to leave us for the great collective farm in the sky, the cause of conformity and mediocrity that we all care about would take a giant step backwards", said Simon. "His genius must be preserved for future generations", said Walker. So Fidel is actually coming to SIU to be cloned by Dr. Equal.	Dr. Equal and her assistant decontaminate the basement of the Pinko Policy center before installing their hi-tech equipment.
Evita Equal and Mini-Ms have practiced cloning sheep, in order to break through the grass ceiling that limits female agricultural scientists.	Below is their second creation - the pinko sheep. This procedure will form the basis for further work in cloning leftist leaders.
Dr. Equal admits she didn't actually graduate with an M.D., a Ph.D. or even a B.Sc. for that matter. But these failures were all due to discrimination. According to President Walker, Dr. Equal is qualified to clone communists because her grandparents include a Native American, an African-American, a Hispanic and a Jew. "What's more, two of them were women, so I have an equal number of male and female ancestors", Doctor Equal boasts.	And now Dr. Equal wants to use her skills to save Fidel Castro and other leftist visionaries for posterity. "From sheep to socialists is a small step for SIU but a great step for Democrat-kind", said Dr. Equal.
	So far minor technical problems (see left) have prevented the cloning of Fidel Castro. However Dr. Equal and Mini-Ms are confident that they will succeed. "Failure is not an option!" stated Mini-Ms.   Dr. Equal hopes to follow her work with Fidel Castro by cloning Saddam Hussein and that creepy little jerk who runs North Korea. Her long term hope is to obtain fragments of tissue for cloning Che Guevara, Chairman Mao and possibly even Josef Stalin. She has only one misgiving - there are no female communist dictators to clone.

Here is part of Fidel Castro's DNA sequence as deciphered in the laboratory of Dr. Equal.

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